The Honest Whore, Part One............................................................................................................................1

Thomas Middleton ...................................................................................................................................1

I.i. [A street] .............................................................................................................................................1

[II.i. A brothel] .......................................................................................................................................27

[III.i. Candido's shop]............................................................................................................................44

[IV.i. Hipolito's chamber]......................................................................................................................61

[V.i. Outside the Duke's castle].............................................................................................................82

Enter at one door a funeral, a coronet lying on the hearse, scutcheons and garlands hanging on the sides,

attended by Gasparo Trebatzi, Duke of Milan, Castruchio, Sinezi, Pioratto, Fluello, and others. At another

door, enter Hipolito in discontented appearance, Matheo, a gentleman his friend, labouring to hold him back.

[Aside to Duke] Speak no more sentences, my good lord, but slip hence. You see they are but fits; I'll rule

him, I warrant ye. Ay, so, tread gingerly, your grace is here somewhat too long already.

[Aside] 'Sblood, the jest were now, if having ta'en some knocks o' th' pate already, he should get loose again,

and like a mad ox toss my new black cloaks into the kennel! I must humour his lordship.My Lord Hipolito,

How your love looks? Worse than a scarecrow. Wrastle not with me: the great fellow gives the fall, for a

Pray do so, leave yourself behind yourself, and go whither you will. 'Sfoot, do you long to have base rogues

that maintain a Saint Anthony's fire in their noses by nothing but twopenny ale make ballads of you? If the

duke had but so much mettle in him as is in a cobbler's awl, he would ha' been a vex'd thing: he and his train

had blown you up, but that their powder has taken the wet of cowards; you'll bleed three pottles of Aligant,

by this light, if you follow 'em, and then we shall have a hole made in a wrong place, to have surgeons roll

Here's a coil for a dead commodity! 'Sfoot, women when they are alive are but dead commodities, for you

And that's the most villainous day of all the week to die in. And she was well, and ate a mess of watergruel

Oh, yes, my lord, so soon: why, I ha' known them that at dinner have been as well, and had so much health,

that they were glad to pledge it, yet before three a' clock have been found dead drunk.

Strange feeders they are indeed, my lord, and, like your jester or young courtier, will enter upon any man's

You'll do all these good works now every Monday because it is so bad, but I hope upon Tuesday morning I

If you have this strange monster, honesty, in your belly, why, so jigmakers and chroniclers shall pick

something out of you: but and I smell not you and a bawdy house out within these ten days, let my nose be as

big as an English bagpudding. I'll follow your lordship, though it be to the place aforenamed.

Enter Fustigo in some fantastic seasuit at one door, a Porter meets him at another.

[Giving him money] There's for thy pains, godamercy. If ever I stand in need of a wench that will come with

a wet finger, porter, thou shalt earn my money before any clarissimo in Milan, yet, so God sa' me, she's mine

own sister body and soul, as I am a Christian gentleman! Farewell, I'll ponder till she come: thou hast been no

Oh, God, sir, many that have borne offices! But, porter, art sure thou went'st into a true house?

Godsso, I would not for a ducat she had kick'd up her heels, for I ha' spent an abomination this voyage;

marry, I did it amongst sailors and gentlemen. [Giving him money] There's a little modicum more, porter, for

God's lid, yonder she comes! Sister Viola, I am glad to see you stirring. It's news to have me here, is't not,

Yes, trust me: I wond'red who should be so bold to send for me. You are welcome to Milan, brother.

Troth, sister, I heard you were married to a very rich chuff, and I was very sorry for it, that I had no better

clothes, and that made me send, for you know we Milaners love to strut upon Spanish leather. And how does

A pox on 'em! Wild oats? I ha' not an oat to throw at a horse. Troth, sister, I ha' sow'd my oats, and reap'd two

hundred ducats if I had 'em. Here, marry, I must entreat you to lend me some thirty or forty till the ship come;

Well, well, you shall have them: put yourself into better fashion, because I must employ you in a serious

I had not sail'd a league in that great fishpond, the sea, but I cast up my very gall.

Nay, by this iron, sister, they shall find I am powder and touchbox if they put fire once into me.

Very true, a grave citizen; I want nothing that a wife can wish from a husband. But here's the spite: he has not

God's my life, he's a very mandrake, or else, God bless us, one a' these whiblins, and that's worse! And then

all the children that he gets lawfully of your body, sister, are bastards by a statute.

Oh, you run over me too fast, brother! I have heard it often said that he who cannot be angry is no man. I am

sure my husband is a man in print for all things else save only in this: no tempest can move him.

'Slid, would he had been at sea with us, he should ha' been mov'd and mov'd again, for I'll be sworn, la, our

No loss of goods can increase in him a wrinkle, no crabbed language make his countenance sour, the

stubbornness of no servant shake him; he has no more gall in him than a dove, no more sting than an ant.

Musician will he never be, yet I find much music in him, but he loves no frets, and is so free from anger that

many times I am ready to bite off my tongue, because it wants that virtue which all women's tongues have, to

anger their husbands. Brother, mine can by no thunder turn him into a sharpness.

I protest to thee, Fustigo, I love him most affectionately, but I know notI ha' such a tickling within me,

Then y'are with child, sister, by all signs and tokens; nay, I am partly a physician, and partly something else: I

Y'are wide a' th' bow hand still, brother: my longings are not wanton, but wayward: I long to have my patient

husband eat up a whole porcupine, to the intent the bristling quills may stick about his lips like a Flemish

mustacho, and be shot at me. I shall be leaner than the new moon, unless I can make him hornmad.

Fie, fie, idle, idle: he's no Frenchman, to fret at the loss of a little scald hair. No, brother, thus it shall be, you

Repair to the Tortoise here in Saint Christopher's Street. I will send you money; turn yourself into a brave

man: instead of the arms of your mistress, let your sword and your military scarf hang about your neck.

Oh, by any means, to show your light head, else your hat will sit like a coxcomb! To be brief, you must be in

Resort then to our shop, and, in my husband's presence, kiss me, snatch rings, jewels, or anything so you give

Swagger worse than a lieutenant among freshwater soldiers; call me your love, your ingle, your cousin, or so,

No, no, it shall be cousin, or rather coz: that's the gulling word between the citizens' wives and their madcaps,

that man 'em to the garden. To call you one a' mine aunts, sister, were as good as call you arrant whore; no,

Take up wares, but pay nothing, rifle my bosom, my pocket, my purse, the boxes for money to dice withal;

By this welkin that here roars, I will, or else let me never know what a secret is! Why, sister, do you think I'll

coneycatch you, when you are my cousin? God's my life, then I were a stark ass! If I fret not his guts, beg

Truth, I have a pretty sportive conceit new crept into my brain will move excellent mirth.

At Signior Candido's house, the patient man, nay, the monstrous patient man; they say his blood is

immoveable, that he has taken all patience from a man, and all constancy from a woman.

To conclude, the report goes, he's so mild, so affable, so suffering, that nothing indeed can move him: now do

but think what sport it will be to make this fellow, the mirror of patience, as angry, as vex'd, and as mad as an

Let me alone: I have a trick, a conceit, a thing, a device will sting him, i'faith, if he have but a thimble full of

Thou stir him? Thou move him? Thou anger him? Alas, I know his approved temper. Thou vex him? Why,

he has a patience above man's injuries: thou mayest sooner raise a spleen in an angel than rough humour in

him. Why, I'll give you instance for it. This wonderfully temper'd Signior Candido upon a time invited home

to his house certain Neapolitan lords of curious taste, and no mean palates, conjuring his wife of all loves to

prepare cheer fitting for such honourable trenchermen. She, just of a woman's nature, covetous to try the

uttermost of vexation, and thinking at last to get the start of his humour, willingly neglected the preparation,

and became unfurnish'd, not only of dainty, but of ordinary dishes. He, according to the mildness of his

breast, entertained the lords, and with courtly discourse beguiled the time, as much as a citizen might do. To

conclude, they were hungry lords, for there came no meat in; their stomachs were plainly gull'd, and their

teeth deluded, and, if anger could have seiz'd a man, there was matter enough, i'faith, to vex any citizen in the

Ay, I'll swear for't. 'Sfoot, had it been my case, I should ha' play'd mad tricks with my wife and family! First I

would ha' spitted the men, stew'd the maids, and bak'd the mistress, and so served them in.

'Sblood, Signior Pioratto, you that disparage my conceit, I'll wage a hundred ducats upon the head on't that it

Come, you put up your wares in good order here, do you not think you? One piece cast this way, another that

You mumble. Do you mumble? I would your master or I could be a note more angry, for two patient folks in

Gentlemen, what do you lack? What is't you buy? See fine hollands, fine cambrics, fine lawns.

The best in all Milan, gentlemen, and this is the piece. I can fit you gentlemen with fine calicoes too for

doublets, the only sweet fashion now, most delicate and courtly, a meek gentle calico, cut upon two double

Ay, and the purest she that ever you finger'd since you were a gentleman: look how even she is, look how

clean she is, ha, as even as the brow of Cynthia, and as clean as your sons and heirs when they ha' spent all!

How! Is she rough? But if you bid pox on't, sir, 'twill take away the roughness presently.

Look you, gentleman, here's another; compare them I pray, compara Virgilium cum Homero, compare virgins

You may see further for your mind, but trust me you shall not find better for your body.

[Aside to Fluello and Pioratto] Oh, here he comes! Let's make as tho' we pass.Come, come, we'll try in

The gentlemen find fault with this lawn, fall out with it, and without a cause too.

Of lawn? Ay, of lawn, a penn'orth. 'Sblood, dost not hear? A whole penn'orth! Are you deaf?

Ay, that patience makes a fool of you. Gentlemen, you might ha' found some other citizen to have made a

Why, fool! Why, husband! Why, madman! I hope you will not let 'em sneak away so with a silver and gilt

beaker, the best in the house too. [To Prentices] Go, fellows, make hue and cry after them.

Oh, y'are a goodly patient W., are you not now? See what your patience comes too! Everyone saddles

you and rides you, you'll be shortly the common stonehorse of Milan: a woman's well holp'd up with such a

meacock. I had rather have a husband that would swaddle me thrice a day than such a one that will be gull'd

The constable, sir, let 'em come along with me because there should be no wond'ring; he stays at door.

Enter Roger with a stool, cushion, lookingglass, and chafingdish. Those being set down, he pulls out of his

pocket a vial with white colour in it, and two boxes, one with white, another red painting. He places all things

in order and a candle by them, singing with the ends of old ballads as he does it. At last Bellafront, as he rubs

Yes, forsooth, your boxes of complexion are here, I think; yes, 'tis here. Here's your two complexions, and if I

had all the four complexions, I should ne'er set a good face upon't. Some men I see are born under

hardfavour'd planets as well as women. Zounds, I look worse now than I did before, and it makes her face

glister most damnably; there's knavery in daubing, I hold my life, or else this is only female pomatum.

Enter Bellafront not full ready, without a gown; she sits down, with her bodkin curls her hair, colours her

Your ruff and your poker are ingend'ring together upon the cupboard of the court, or the courtcupboard.

Yes, honest Roger. No, stay: prithee, good boy, hold here. [Singing] "Down, down, down, down, I fall down

I may thank you for that: no, faith, I look like an old proverb, "Hold the candle before the devil."

Nay, pray thee, sweet honey Roger, hold up handsomely. (Sing.) "Pretty wantons warble, etc." We shall ha'

And all these baubles lying thus? Away with it quickly. Ay, ay, knock and be damn'd, whosoever you be. So,

give the fresh salmon line now: let him come ashore, he shall serve for my breakfast, tho' he go against my

You shall, signior, for we that live here in this vale of misery are as dark as hell.

Fah, not I; makes your breath stink, like the piss of a fox. Acquaintance, where supp'd you last night?

At a place, sweet acquaintance, where your health danc'd the canaries, i'faith; you should ha' been there.

Ay, there among your punks. Marry, fah, hang 'em! Scorn 't! Will you never leave sucking of eggs in other

Why, in good troth, if you'll trust me, acquaintance, there was not one hen at the board. Ask Fluello.

And the knight, Sir Oliver Lollio, swore he would bestow a taffeta petticoat on thee but to break his fast with

With me! I'll choke him then; hang him, molecatcher! It's the dreaming'st snottynose.

Ay, and he has fellows: of all filthy dryfisted knights, I cannot abide that he should touch me.

Hang him, he'll not live to be so honest, nor to the credit, to have scabs about him; his betters have 'em. But I

hate to wear out any of his coarse knighthood, because he's made like an alderman's nightgown, fac'st all with

cony before, and within nothing but fox. This sweet Oliver will eat mutton till he be ready to burst, but the

Plague him, set him beneath the salt, and let him not touch a bit till everyone has had his full cut.

Sordello the gentlemanusher came into us too; marry, 'twas in our cheese, for he had been to borrow money

Enter Matheo and Hipolito, who, saluting the company as a stranger, walks off. Roger comes in sadly behind

E'en as my little pretty servant; sees three court dishes before her, and not one good bit in them. [To Roger]

Forsooth, 'tis fill'd out already: all the wine that the signior has bestow'd upon you is cast away, a porter ran

I'm accurs'd to let such a withered artichokefaced rascal grow under my nose! Now you look like an old

hecat, going to the gallows: I'll be hang'd if he ha' not put up the money to conycatch us all.

Fie, fie, cut my lace, good servant! I shall ha' the mother presently, I'm so vex'd at this horseplum!

Godsso, a stool, a stool! If you love me, mistress, entertain this gentleman respectively and bid him

Count Hipolito, is't not? Cry you mercy, signior, you walk here all this while and we not heed you? Let me

bestow a stool upon you, beseech you. You are a stranger here; we know the fashions a' th' house.

You have abandoned the court I see, my lord, since the death of your mistress; well, she was a delicate piece.

Beseech you, sweet; come, let us serve under the colours of your acquaintance still, for all that. Please you to

Faith, sir, a poor gentlewoman, of passing good carriage, one that has some suits in law, and lies here in an

Hah, as all your punks are, a captain's wife or so! Never saw her before, my lord?

By gad, when you know her as we do, you'll swear she is the prettiest, kindest, sweetest, most bewitching

honest ape under the pole! A skin, your satin is not more soft, nor lawn whiter.

Thou shalt have it, i'faith, mistress. How now, signiors? What? Whispering? Did not I lay a wager I should

He's so malcontent! Sirrah Bellafront, and you be honest gallants, let's sup together, and have the count with

Prithee tell me, a buss and tell me: I warrant he's an honest fellow if he take on thus for a wench. Good rogue,

By th' Lord I will not, must not, faith, mistress. Is't a match, sirs, this night at th' Antelope? For there's best

Y'are the waspishest ape. Roger, put your mistress in mind, your scurvy mistress here, to sup with us on

Friday next. Y'are best come like a madwoman without a band in your waistcoat, and the linings of your

kirtle outward, like every common hackney that steals out at the back gate of her sweet knight's lodging.

Bastard wine, for if it had been truly begotten, it would not ha' been asham'd to come in; here's six shillings to

A company of rooks! Oh, good sweet Roger, run to the poulter's and buy me some fine larks.

Enter Candido, his wife [Viola], George, and two Prentices in the shop; Fustigo enters, walking by.

See, gentlemen, what you lack! A fine holland, a fine cambric, see what you buy!

[Aside] 'Sfoot, I lack 'em all; nay, more, I lack money to buy 'em. Let me see, let me look again. Mass, this is

the shop![Approaching Viola] What, coz! Sweet coz! How dost, i'faith, since last night after candlelight?

How fare I? Troth, for sixpence a meal, wench, as well as heart can wish, with calves' chaldrons and

The devil's dung in thy teeth: I'll be welcome whether thou wilt or no, I! What ring's this, coz? Very pretty

I ha' sworn I'll ha't, and I hope you will not let my oaths be crack'd in the ring, will you? I hope, sir, you are

Troth, coz, and well rememb'red, I would thou wouldst give me five yards of lawn to make my punk some

falling bands a' the fashion, three falling one upon another, for that's the new edition now; she's out of linen

horribly too: troth, sh'as never a good smock to her back neither, but one that has a great many patches in't,

and that I'm fain to wear myself for want of shift too. Prithee put me into wholesome napery, and bestow

Fool! 'Snails, eat the fool, or I'll so batter your crown that it shall scarce go for five shillings!

[Taking George aside] Sirrah George, I ha' thought upon a device how to break his pate, beat him soundly,

I'll go in, pass thorough the house, give some of our fellow prentices the watchword when they shall enter,

then come and fetch my master in by a wile, and place one in the hall to hold him in conference, whilst we

I perceive still it is your natural guise to mistake me, but you are welcome, sir; I much wish your

My acquaintance? I scorn that, i'faith; I hope my acquaintance goes in chains of gold three and fifty times

Flatcap? [Aside to him] Hark in your ear, sir: y'are a flat fool, an ass, a gull, and I'll thrum you!Do you see

'Sfoot, coz, a good jest! Did you hear him? He told me in my ear I was "a flat fool, an ass, a gull, and I'll

[Aside to him] Let your whores cut; y'are an impudent coxcomb: you get none; and yet I'll thrum you!A

Again, again, as God judge me! 'Sfoot, coz, they stand thrumming here with me all day, and yet I get nothing!

[Aside to him] A word, I pray, sir: you must not be angry; prentices have hot bloods, young fellows.What

say you to this piece? Look you, 'tis so delicate, so soft, so even, so fine a thread that a lady may wear it.

'Sfoot, I think so: if a knight marry my punk, a lady shall wear it. Cut me off twenty yards; th'art an honest

Oh, Lord, sister, did you not hear something cry thump? Zounds, your men here make a plain ass of me!

I'faith, they ha' pepper'd me, sister! Look, does 't spin? Call you these prentices? I'll ne'er play at cards more

If you have any skill in heraldry, you may soon know that: break but her pate, and you shall see her blood and

Troth, brother, my sister would needs ha' me take upon me to gull your patience a little, but it has made

I'll ne'er call coz again whilst I live, to have such a coil about it: this should be a coronation day, for my head

Now looks my master just like one of our carpet knights, only he's somewhat the honester of the two.

Well, if you'll save me harmless and put me under covert bar'n, I am content to please you, provided it may

Oh, Roger, Roger, where's your mistress, where's your mistress? There's the finest, neatest gentleman at my

My mistress is abroad, but not amongst 'em: my mistress is not the whore now that you take her for.

How! Is she not a whore? Do you go about to take away her good name, Roger? You are a fine pander

I tell you, Madonna Fingerlock, I am not sad for nothing; I ha' not eaten one good meal this three and thirty

days: I had wont to get sixteen pence by fetching a pottle of Hypocras, but now those days are past. We had

as good doings, Madonna Fingerlock, she withindoors and I without, as any poor young couple in Milan.

I ha' lost by her squeamishness, more than would have builded twelve bawdy houses.

And had she no time to turn honest but now? What a vile woman is this! Twenty pound a night, I'll be sworn,

Roger, in good gold and no silver: why here was a time, if she should ha' pick'd out a time, it could not be

better! Gold enough stirring; choice of men, choice of hair, choice of beards, choice of legs, and choice of

every, every, everything: it cannot sink into my head, that she should be such an ass, Roger, I never believe it.

Oh, sweet madonna, on with your loose gown, your felt and your feather. There's the sweetest, prop'rest,

gallantest gentleman at my house: he smells all of musk and ambergris, his pocket full of crowns,

flamecolour'd doublet, red satin hose, carnation silk stockings, and a leg and a body, oh!

Sixpence? Nay, that's not so: I never took under two shillings fourpence; I hope I know my fee.

If it be my vocation to swear, every man in his vocation: I hope my betters swear and damn themselves, and

Scurvy, honest punk! But stay, madonna, how must our agreement be now? For you know I am to have all

Why, as thus: if a couple come in a coach, and light to lie down a little, then, Roger, that's my fee, and you

Is 'a' so? In truth, I have almost forgot for want of exercise. But how if I fetch this citizen's wife to that gull,

Why then, Roger, you are to have sixpence a lane: so many lanes, so many sixpences.

You, goody punk, subaudi cockatrice! Oh, y'are a sweet whore of your promise, are you not, think you? How

well you came to supper to us last night: mew, a whore and break her word! Nay, you may blush and hold

down your head at it well enough. 'Sfoot, ask these gallants if we stay'd not till we were as hungry as

Nay, faith, acquaintance, let me tell you, you forgot yourself too much: we had excellent cheer, rare vintage,

And when we were in our W.s, sweet rogue, a brace of gulls, dwelling here in the city, came in and

I am not what I was! No, I'll be sworn thou art not, for thou wert honest at five, and now th'art a punk at

fifteen; thou wert yesterday a simple whore, and now th'art a cunning coneycatching baggage today.

[Aside] 'Sfoot, she gulls 'em the best! This is always her fashion when she would be rid of any company that

What's here? Instructions, admonitions, and caveats? Come out, you scabbard of vengeance!

Fluello, spurn your hounds when they fist, you shall not spurn my punk; I can tell you my blood is vex'd.

Ha, ha, thou dost gull 'em so rarely, so naturally. If I did not think thou hadst been in earnest. Thou art a

Is't possible to be impossible, an honest whore! I have heard many honest wenches turn strumpets with a wet

finger, but for a harlot to turn honest is one of Hercules' labours. It was more easy for him in one night to

make fifty queans than to make one of them honest again in fifty years. Come, I hope thou dost but jest.

How! Marry with a punk, a cockatrice, a harlot? Marry foh, I'll be burnt thorough the nose first!

Enter a Servant setting out a table, on which he places a skull, a picture, a book, and a taper.

So, this is Monday morning, and now must I to my huswif'ry: would I had been created a shoemaker, for all

the gentle craft are gentlemen every Monday by their copy and scorn then to work one true stitch. My master

means sure to turn me into a student, for here's my book, here my desk, here my light, this my close chamber,

and here my punk: so that this dull drowsy first day of the week makes me half a priest, half a chandler, half a

painter, half a sexton, ay, and half a bawd, for all this day my office is to do nothing but keep the door. To

prove it, look you, this good face and yonder gentleman, so soon as ever my back's turn'd, will be naught

The one of them, my lord, will fill you too full of wind, the other wet you too much. What to supper?

I'll make away myself presently, which few servants will do for their lords, but rather help to make them

If it be a woman, marybones and potato pies keep me for meddling with her, for the thing has got the

breeches. 'Tis a male varlet sure, my lord, for a woman's tailor ne'er measur'd him.

'Cause h'as ne'er a beard: 'tis his boy, I think, sir, whosoe'er paid for his nursing.

Lord bless us, where? He's not cloven, my lord, that I can see: besides the devil goes more like a gentleman

Alas, my lord, I shall never be able to thrust her hence without help. Come, mermaid, you must to sea again.

No more knaves, my lord, that wear smocks. Here's a letter from Doctor Benedict; I would not enter his man,

tho' he had hairs at his mouth, for fear he should be a woman, for some women have beards. Marry, they are

half witches! 'Slid, you are a sweet youth to wear a codpiece and have no pins to stick upon't!

[Giving them money] Hold up your hands, gentlemen: here's one, two, threenay, I warrant, they are sound

pistols and without flaws, I had them of my sister, and I know she uses to put up nothing that's

crack'dthree, four, five, six, seven, eight and nine. By this hand bring me but a piece of his blood, and you

shall have nine more. I'll lurk in a tavern not far off, and provide supper to close up the end of the tragedy.

The linendraper's, remember: stand to't, I beseech you, and play your parts perfectly.

Nay, nay, weigh it and spare not; if it lack one grain of corn, I'll give you a bushel of wheat to make it up.

But by your favour, signior, which of the servants is it, because we'll punish justly.

Marry, 'tis the head man; you shall taste him by his tongue: a pretty, tall, prating fellow with a Tuscalonian

Cods life, I was ne'er so thrumm'd since I was a gentleman: my coxcomb was drybeaten as if my hair had

Nay, it grew so high that my sister cried murder out very manfully: I have her consent in a manner to have

him pepper'd, else I'll not do't to win more than ten cheaters do at a rifling. Break but his pate or so, only his

mazer, because I'll have his head in a cloth as well as mine; he's a linendraper and may take enough. I could

enter mine action of battery against him, but we mayhaps be both dead and rotten before the lawyers would

No more to do but ensconce yourself i' th' tavern; provide no great cheer, couple of capons, some pheasants,

plovers, an orangeado pie or so: but how bloody soe'er the day be, sally you not forth.

No, no, nay, if I stir, somebody shall stink; I'll not budge: I'll lie like a dog in a manger.

Well, well, to the tavern; let not our supper be raw, for you shall have blood enough, your belly full.

That's all, so God sa' me, I thirst after: blood for blood, bump for bump, nose for nose, head for head, plaster

for plaster, and so farewell. What shall I call your names, because I'll leave word if any such come to the bar.

Poh is as tall a man as ever opened oyster; I would not be the devil to meet Poh. Farewell.

I warrant you, mistress, let us alone for keeping our countenance, for if I list, there's never a fool in all Milan

shall make me laugh, let him play the fool never so like an ass, whether it be the fat court fool or the lean city

Girt about him like a madman! What, has he lost his cloak too? This is the maddest fashion that e'er I saw!

Troth, mistress, nothing. Not so much as a bee, he did not hum; not so much as a bawd, he did not hem; not

so much as a cuckold, he did not ha; neither hum, hem, nor ha, only star'd me in the face, past along, and

Nay, let me alone to play my master's prize, as long as my mistress warrants me. I'm sure I have his best

clothes on, and I scorn to give place to any that is inferior in apparel to me: that's an axiom, a principle, and is

observ'd as much as the fashion; let that persuade you then, that I'll shoulder with him for the upper hand in

See what you lack, what is't you buy? Pure calicoes, fine hollands, choice cambrics, neat lawns! See what you

buy! Pray come near, my master will use you well; he can afford you a pennyworth.

[Aside] Oh, fine fool! What a madman! A patient madman! Whoever heard of the like? Well, sir, I'll fit you

and your humour presently. What? Crosspoints? I'll untie 'em all in a trice; I'll vex you, faith.Boy, take

Look you, gentlemen, I'll make but one spreading; here's a piece of cloth, fine, yet shall wear like iron: 'tis

'Sfoot! Clubs, clubs, prentices! Down with 'em! Ah, you rogues, strike a citizen in's shop?

Ay, well said, George, like honest men, tho' they be arrant knaves, for that's the phrase of the city. Help to lay

How now? What news with them? What make they with my wife? Officers? Is she attach'd? Look to your

Ay, ay, by degrees I pray. Oh, me! What makes he with the lawn in his hand; he'll tear all the ware in my

Chang'd, sir? Why, true, sir. Is change strange? 'Tis not the fashion unless it alter? Monarchs turn to beggars,

beggars creep into the nests of princes, masters serve their prentices, ladies their servingmen, men turn to

I charge you keep the peace, or have your legs gartered with irons; we have from the duke a warrant strong

Come, we'll see whither he goes. If the master be mad, we are his servants and must follow his steps: we'll be

Meet you, sir! He might have met with three fencers in this time and have received less hurt than by meeting

one doctor of physic! Why, sir, h'as walk'd under the old abbey wall yonder this hour till he's more cold than

a citizen's country house in January; you may smell him behind, sir. La you, yonder he comes.

Oh, yes, of all countries some, but especially mad Greeks; they swarm. Troth, mistress, the world is altered

with you; you had not wont to stand thus with a paper humbly complaining, but you're well enough serv'd:

Truly, mistress, I cannot tell; I think you'll hardly get him forth. Why, 'tis strange! 'Sfoot, I have known many

women that have had mad rascals to their husbands, whom they would belabour by all means possible to keep

'em in their right wits, but of a woman to long to turn a tame man into a madman, why, the devil himself was

But, George, he's not stark mad, is he? He does not rave, he's not hornmad, George, is he?

Nay, I know not that, but he talks like a justice of peace, of a thousand matters and to no purpose.

I'll to the monastery: I shall be mad till I enjoy him, I shall be sick till I see him, yet when I do see him, I shall

Ay, I'd fain see a woman weep out her eyes; that's as true as to say a man's cloak burns when it hangs in the

Ay, but George, that painted cloth is worthy to be hang'd up for lying, all women have not tears at will unless

Ay, but mistress, how easily will they find a cause, and as one of our cheesetrenchers says very learnedly:

Why, that's well done, good mistress; throw aside this fashion of your humour: be not so fantastical in

wearing it; storm no more, long no more. This longing has made you come short of many a good thing that

And please your grace, he's not stark mad, but only talks like a young gentleman, somewhat fantastically,

that's all: there's a thousand about your court, city, and country madder than he.

He that can make any man dead, the doctor; but, my lord, he's as full of life as wildfire, and as quick.

Hipolito, the doctor, and one more rid hence this evening; the inn at which they light is Beth'lem Monastery:

Infelice comes from Bergamo and meets them there. Hipolito is mad, for he means this day to be married; the

Ay, well said. Lock us into some little room by ourselves that we may be mad for an hour or two.

How! No noise! Do you know where you are? 'Sfoot, amongst all the madcaps in Milan, so that to throw the

house out at window will be the better, and no man will suspect that we lurk here to steal mutton: the more

sober we are, the more scurvy 'tis. And tho' the friar tell us that here we are safest, I'm not of his mind, for if

those lay here that had lost their money, none would ever look after them, but here are none but those that

have lost their wits, so that if hue and cry be made, hither they'll come, and my reason is, because none goes

Oh, my lord, these cloaks are not for this rain; the tempest is too great: I come sweating to tell you of it that

Pox on 'em, and there be no faith in men, if a man shall not believe oaths! He took bread and salt, by this

He's but new set out. Castruchio, Pioratto, and Sinezi come along with him: you have time enough yet to

Enter to Fluello the Duke, Castruchio, Pioratto, and Sinezi from several doors muffled.

Yes, forsooth, I am one of the implements; I sweep the madmen's rooms, and fetch straw for 'em, and buy

chains to tie 'em, and rods to whip 'em. I was a mad wag myself here once, but I thank Father Anselm: he

How! All! There's a wise question indeed. Why, if all the mad folks in Milan should come hither, there would

Oh, yes! Abundance, abundance! Lands no sooner fall into their hands, but straight they run out a' their wits.

Citizens' sons and heirs are free of the house by their father's copy. Farmers' sons come hither like geese in

flocks and when they ha' sold all their cornfields, here they sit and pick the straws.

Oh, ay, a plague on 'em! There's no ho with them; they are madder than march hares.

Oh, no, not one: never any lawyer! We dare not let a lawyer come in, for he'll make 'em mad faster than we

Why, according to the quantity of the moon that's got into 'em. An alderman's son will be mad a great while,

a very great while, especially if his friends left him well. A whore will hardly come to her wits again. A

puritan, there's no hope of him, unless he may pull down the steeple and hang himself i' th' bellropes.

Yes, in truth, we have blocks for all heads; we have good store of wild oats here, for the courtier is mad at the

citizen, the citizen is mad at the country man, the shoemaker is mad at the cobbler, the cobbler at the carman,

the punk is mad that the merchant's wife is no whore, the merchant's wife is mad that the punk is so common

Godsso, here's Father Anselm! Pray say nothing that I tell tales out of the school.

Dost not see, fool? There's a fresh salmon in't. If you step one foot furder, you'll be over shoes, for you see

I'm over head and ear in the saltwater, and if you fall into this whirlpool where I am, y'are drown'd, y'are a

drown'd rat! I am fishing here for five ships, but I cannot have a good draught, for my net breaks still, and

breaks, but I'll break some of your necks and I catch you in my clutches. Stay, stay, stay, stay, stay. Where's

the wind, where's the wind, where's the wind, where's the wind? Out, you gulls, you goosecaps, you

gudgeoneaters! Do you look for the wind in the heavens? Ha, ha, ha, ha! No, no, look there, look there, look

Do you laugh at God's creatures? Do you mock old age, you rogues? Is this gray beard and head counterfeit,

Then th'art a fool, for my eldest son had a polt foot, crooked legs, a vergis face, and a pearcolour'd beard; I

made him a scholar, and he made himself a fool. Sirrah! Thou there! Hold out thy hand.

Such nails had my second boy. Kneel down, thou varlet, and ask thy father blessing. Such nails had my

middlemost son and I made him a promoter, and he scrap'd, and scrap'd, and scrap'd till he got the devil and

all, but he scrap'd thus, and thus, and thus, and it went under his legs, till at length a company of kites taking

him for carrion swept up all, all, all, all, all, all, all. If you love your lives, look to yourselves. See, see, see,

see, the Turks' galleys are fighting with my ships! Bounce goes the guns! "Oooh!" cry the men. Romble

romble go the waters. Alas! There! 'Tis sunk, 'tis sunk! I am undone, I am undone! You are the damn'd pirates

Tame me? No, I'll be madder than a roasted cat. See, see, I am burnt with gunpowder; these are our close

Whip me? Out, you toad! Whip me? What justice is this, to whip me because I'm a beggar? Alas, I am a poor

man, a very poor man! I am starv'd, and have had no meat by this light, ever since the great flood. I am a poor

Ay, ay, pray do, for look you here be my guts. These are my ribs; you may look through my ribs. See how my

All these are whoremongers and lay with my wife! Whore, whore, whore, whore, whore!

Gaffer shoemaker, you pull'd on my wife's pumps, and then crept into her pantofles: lie there, lie there. This

was her tailor; you cut out her loosebodied gown and put in a yard more than I allowed her. Lie there by the

shoemaker. Oh, master doctor, are you here? You gave me a purgation and then crept into my wife's chamber

to feel her pulses, and you said, and she said, and her maid said that they went pitapat, pitapat,

pitapat. Doctor, I'll put you anon into my wife's urinal. Heigh, come aloft, Jack! This was her

schoolmaster, and taught her to play upon the virginals: still his jacks leapt up, up; you prick'd her out

nothing but bawdy lessons, but I'll prick you all! Fiddler, doctor, tailor, shoemaker; shoemaker, fiddler,

I'll not give thee a spoonful. Thou liest; it's no dragon, 'tis a parrot that I bought for my sweetheart, and I'll

I'll answer 't at sessions: he was eating of almondbutter, and I long'd for't; the child had never been delivered

out of my belly, if I had not kill'd him. I'll answer 't at sessions, so my wife may be burnt i' th' hand too.

Anutting, forsooth. How do you, gaffer? How do you, gaffer? There's a French curtsy for you too.

Nay, indeed, you shall not go: we'll run at barleybreak first, and you shall be in hell.

Let me seeone, two, three, and fourI'll begin with the little friar first. Here's a fine hand indeed; I never

saw friar have such a dainty hand. Here's a hand for a lady. You ha' good fortune now.

Am not I a good girl for finding the friar in the well? Godsso, you are a brave man! Will not you buy me

Pretty soul! A pretty soul is better than a pretty body. Do not you know my pretty soul? I know you. Is not

Baa, lamb! There you lie, for I am mutton. Look, fine man, he was mad for me once, and I was mad for him

once, and he was mad for her once, and were you never mad? Yes, I warrant. I had a fine jewel once, a very

Maid? Nay, that's a lie. Oh, 'twas a very rich jewel call'd a maidenhead, and had not you it, leerer?

How, marry her, my lord? 'Sfoot, marry a madwoman? Let a man get the tamest wife he can come by, she'll

Come, mistress, we are in Bedlam now. Mass, and see we come in puddingtime, for here's the duke.

It's Candido, my lord; he's here among the lunatics. Father Anselmo, pray fetch him forth.

This madwoman is his wife, and tho' she were not with child, yet did she long most spitefully to have her

husband mad, and because she would be sure he should turn Jew, she plac'd him here in Beth'lem.