Title: A Trick to Catch the Old One
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Author: Thomas Middleton
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A Trick to Catch the Old One
Thomas Middleton
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Table of Contents
A Trick to Catch the Old One ............................................................................................................................1
Thomas Middleton ...................................................................................................................................1
[I.i. A street in Leicestershire].................................................................................................................1
II.[i. A room in Lucre's house] ...............................................................................................................11
III.[i. Another street in London]............................................................................................................26
IV.[i. An apartment in Cole Harbour] ....................................................................................................46
V.[i. A room in Lucre's house]..............................................................................................................74
A Trick to Catch the Old One
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A Trick to Catch the Old One
Thomas Middleton
Act I
Act II
Act III
Act IV
Act V
[Dramatis Personae (in order of appearance)
Theodorus WITGOOD, a gallant
COURTESAN, posing as the Widow Jane Medler
ONESIPHORUS Hoard, brother of Walkadine Hoard
LIMBER }
KIX } his friends
HOST
LAMPREY, friend of Hoard
Walkadine HOARD
Pecunius LUCRE, Witgood's uncle
SPITCHCOCK, friend of Hoard
SAM Freedom, son of Lucre's wife by her first husband
MONEYLOVE, a suitor of Hoard's niece
GULF, a usurer
Harry DAMPIT, a lawyer and usurer
GEORGE, Lucre's servant
Jinny, Lucre's WIFE
THREE CREDITORS, the third called Cockpit
Joyce, Hoard's NIECE
DRAWER
WILLIAM, a tapster
BOY
VINTNER
GENTLEMEN, friends of Lucre
AUDREY, Dampit's servant
SERGEANTS
A TAILOR
A BARBER
A PERFUMER
A FALCONER
A HUNTSMAN
ARTHUR, Hoard's servant
A SCRIVENER
SIR LANCELOT
[LADY FOXSTONE]
[I.i. A street in Leicestershire]
Enter Witgood, a gentleman, solus.
WITGOOD
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All's gone! Still thou'rt a gentleman, that's all; but a poor one, that's nothing. What milk brings thy meadows
forth now? Where are thy goodly uplands and thy downlands? All sunk into that little pit, lechery. What
should a gallant pay but two shillings for his ordinary that nourishes him, and twenty times two for his
brothel that consumes him? But where's Longacre? In my uncle's conscience, which is three years' voyage
about; he that sets out upon his conscience never finds the way home againhe is either swallowed in the
quicksands of lawquillets, or splits upon the piles of a praemunire; yet these old foxbrained and
oxbrowed uncles have still defences for their avarice, and apologies for their practices, and will thus greet
our follies:
He that doth his youth expose
To brothel, drink, and danger,
Let him that is his nearest kin
Cheat him before a stranger.
And that's his uncle, 'tis a principle in usury. I dare not visit the city: there I should be too soon visited by that
horrible plague, my debts, and by that means I lose a virgin's love, her portion and her virtues. Well, how
should a man live now, that has no living, hum? Why, are there not a million of men in the world, that only
sojourn upon their brain, and make their wits their mercers; and am I but one amongst that million and cannot
thrive upon't? Any trick, out of the compass of law, now would come happily to me.
Enter Courtesan.
COURTESAN
My love.
WITGOOD
My loathing! Hast thou been the secret consumption of my purse? And now com'st to undo my last means,
my wit? Wilt leave no virtue in me, and yet thou never the better?
Hence, courtesan, roundwebbed tarantula,
That dryest the roses in the cheeks of youth!
COURTESAN
I have been true unto your pleasure, and all your lands thrice racked was never worth the jewel which I
prodigally gave you, my virginity;
Lands mortgaged may return and more esteemed,
But honesty, once pawned, is ne'er redeemed.
WITGOOD
Forgive: I do thee wrong
To make thee sin and then to chide thee for't.
COURTESAN
I know I am your loathing now: farewell.
WITGOOD
Say, best invention, stay.
COURTESAN
I that have been the secret consumption of your purse, shall I stay now to undo your least means, your wits?
Hence, courtesan, away!
WITGOOD
I prithee, make me not mad at my own weapon, stay (a thing few women can do, I know that, and therefore
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they had need wear stays); be not contrary. Dost love me? Fate has so cast it that all my means I must derive
from thee.
COURTESAN
From me! Be happy then;
What lies within the power of my performance
Shall be commanded of thee.
WITGOOD
Spoke like
An honest drab, i'faith; it may prove something.
What trick is not an embryon at first,
Until a perfect shape come over it?
COURTESAN
Come, I must help you, whereabouts left you?
I'll proceed.
Though you beget, 'tis I must help to breed.
Speak, what is't? I'd fain conceive it.
WITGOOD
So, so, so; thou shall presently take the name and form upon thee of a rich country widow, four hundred a
year valiant, in woods, in bullocks, in barns and in ryestacks; we'll to London, and to my covetous uncle.
COURTESAN
I begin to applaud thee; our states being both desperate, they're soon resolute. But how for horses?
WITGOOD
Mass, that's true; the jest will be of some continuance. Let me see; horses now, a bots on 'em! Stay, I have
acquaintance with a mad host, never yet bawd to thee; I have rinsed the whoreson's gums in mullsack many
a time and often; put but a good tale into his ear now, so it come off it cleanly, and there's horse and man for
us, I dare warrant thee.
COURTESAN
Arm your wits then speedily;
There shall want nothing in me,
Either in behaviour, discourse or fashion,
That shall discredit your intended purpose.
I will so artfully disguise my wants,
And set so good a courage on my state,
That I will be believed.
WITGOOD
Why, then, all's furnished; I shall go nigh to catch that old fox, mine uncle. Though he make but some
amends for my undoing, yet there's some comfort in'the cannot otherwise choose (though it be but in hope
to cozen me again) but supply any hasty want that I bring to town with me. The device well and cunningly
carried, the name of a rich widow, and four hundred a year in good earth, will so conjure up a kind of usurer's
love in him to me, that he will not only desire my presencewhich at first shall scarce be granted him, I'll
keep off a' purposebut I shall find him so officious to deserve, so ready to supply! I know the state of an
old man's affection so well; if his nephew be poor indeed, why, he lets God alone with him; but if he be once
rich, then he'll be the first man that helps him.
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COURTESAN
'Tis right the world; for in these days an old man's love to his kindred is like his kindness to his wife, 'tis
always done before he comes at it.
WITGOOD
I owe thee for that jest. Begone, here's all my wealth; prepare thyself, away! I'll to mine host with all possible
haste, and with the best art, and most profitable form, pour the sweet circumstance into his ear, which shall
have the gift to turn all the wax to honey.
[Enter Onesiphorus Hoard, Limber, and Kix. Exit Courtesan.]
How [now]? Oh, the right worshipful seniors of our country!
[ONESIPHORUS]
Who's that?
[LIMBER]
Oh, the common rioter, take no note of him.
WITGOOD
[Aside] You will not see me now; the comfort is,
Ere it be long you will scarce see yourselves.
[Exit.]
[ONESIPHORUS]
I wonder how he breathes; h'as consumed all
Upon that courtesan!
[LIMBER]
We have heard so much.
[ONESIPHORUS]
You have heard all truth. His uncle and my brother
Have been these three years mortal adversaries.
Two old tough spirits, they seldom meet but fight,
Or quarrel when 'tis calmest;
I think their anger be the very fire
That keeps their age alive.
[LIMBER]
What was the quarrel, sir?
[ONESIPHORUS]
Faith, about a purchase, fetching over a young heir; Master Hoard, my brother, having wasted much time in
beating the bargain, what did me old Lucre, but as his conscience moved him, knowing the poor gentleman,
stepped in between 'em and cozened him himself.
[LIMBER]
And was this all, sir?
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[ONESIPHORUS]
This was e'en it, sir; yet for all this I know no reason but the match might go forward betwixt his wife's son
and my niece; what though there be a dissension between the two old men, I see no reason it should put a
difference between the two younger; 'tis as natural for old folks to fall out, as for young to fall in! A scholar
comes awooing to my niece: well, he's wise, but he's poor; her son comes awooing to my niece: well, he's
a fool, but he's rich
[LIMBER]
Ay, marry, sir?
[ONESIPHORUS]
Pray, now, is not a rich fool better than a poor philosopher?
[LIMBER]
One would think so, i'faith!
[ONESIPHORUS]
She now remains at London with my brother, her second uncle, to learn fashions, practise music; the voice
between her lips, and the viol between her legs; she'll be fit for a consort very speedily. A thousand good
pound is her portion; if she marry, we'll ride up and be merry.
[KIX]
A match, if it be a match!
Exeunt.
[I.ii. The Host's inn in Leicestershire]
Enter at one door, Witgood, at the other, Host.
WITGOOD
Mine host!
HOST
Young Master Witgood.
WITGOOD
I have been laying all the town for thee.
HOST
Why, what's the news, bully Hadland?
WITGOOD
What geldings are in the house of thine own? Answer me to that first.
HOST
Why, man, why?
WITGOOD
Mark me what I say: I'll tell thee such a tale in thine ear, that thou shalt trust me spite of thy teeth, furnish me
with some money, willynilly, and ride up with me thyself contra voluntatem et professionem.
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HOST
How? Let me see this trick, and I'll say thou hast more art than a conjuror.
WITGOOD
Dost thou joy in my advancement?
HOST
Do I love sack and ginger?
WITGOOD
Comes my prosperity desiredly to thee?
HOST
Come forfeitures to a usurer, fees to an officer, punks to an host, and pigs to a parson desiredly? Why, then,
la.
WITGOOD
Will the report of a widow of four hundred a year, boy, make thee leap, and sing, and dance, and come to thy
place again?
HOST
Wilt thou command me now? I am thy spirit; conjure me into any shape.
WITGOOD
I ha' brought her from her friends, turned back the horses by a sleight; not so much as one amongst her six
men, goodly large yeomanly fellows, will she trust with this her purpose: by this light, all unmanned,
regardless of her state, neglectful of vainglorious ceremony, all for my love; oh, 'tis a fine little voluble
tongue, mine host, that wins a widow.
HOST
No, 'tis a tongue with a great T, my boy, that wins a widow.
WITGOOD
Now sir, the case stands thus: good mine host, if thou lov'st my happiness, assist me.
HOST
Command all my beasts i' th' house.
WITGOOD
Nay, that's not all neither; prithee take truce with thy joy, and listen to me. Thou know'st I have a wealthy
uncle i' th' city, somewhat the wealthier by my follies; the report of this fortune, well and cunningly carried,
might be a means to draw some goodness from the usuring rascal; for I have put her in hope already of some
estate that I have either in land or money; now, if I be found true in neither, what may I expect but a sudden
breach of our love, utter dissolution of the match, and confusion of my fortunes for ever?
HOST
Wilt thou but trust the managing of thy business with me?
WITGOOD
With thee? Why, will I desire to thrive in my purpose? Will I hug four hundred a year, I that know the misery
of nothing? Will that man wish a rich widow, that has never a hole to put his head in? With thee, mine host?
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Why, believe it, sooner with thee than with a covey of counsellors!
HOST
Thank you for your good report, i'faith, sir, and if I stand you not in stead, why then let an host come off hic
et haec hostis, a deadly enemy to dice, drink, and venery. Come, where's this widow?
WITGOOD
Hard at Park End.
HOST
I'll be her servingman for once.
WITGOOD
Why, there we let off together, keep full time; my thoughts were striking then just the same number.
HOST
I knew't; shall we then see our merry days again?
WITGOOD
Our merry nightswhich never shall be more seen.
Exeunt.
[I.iii. A street in London]
Enter at several doors, old Lucre, and old Hoard, Gentlemen [Lamprey, Spitchcock, Sam Freedom and
Moneylove] coming between them to pacify 'em.
LAMPREY
Nay, good Master Lucre, and you, Master Hoard, anger is the wind which you're both too much troubled
withal.
HOARD
Shall my adversary thus daily affront me, ripping up the old wound of our malice, which three summers
could not close up? Into which wound the very sight of him drops scalding lead instead of balsamum.
LUCRE
Why, Hoard, Hoard, Hoard, Hoard, Hoard; may I not pass in the state of quietness to mine own house?
Answer me to that, before witness, and why? I'll refer the cause to honest, evenminded gentlemen, or
require the mere indifferences of the law to decide this matter. I got the purchase, true; was't not any man's
case? Yes. Will a wise man stand as a bawd, whilst another wipes his nose of the bargain? No, I answer no in
that case.
LAMPREY
Nay, sweet Master Lucre.
HOARD
Was it the part of a friend? No, rather of a Jewmark what I saywhen I had beaten the bush to the last
bird, or, as I may term it, the price to a pound, then like a cunning usurer to come in the evening of the
bargain, and glean all my hopes in a minute? To enter, as it were, at the back door of the purchase? For thou
never cam'st the right way by it.
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LUCRE
Hast thou the conscience to tell me so, without any impeachment to thyself?
HOARD
Thou that canst defeat thy own nephew, Lucre, lap his lands into bonds, and take the extremity of thy
kindred's forfeitures, because he's a rioter, a wastethrift, a brothelmaster, and so forthwhat may a stranger
expect from thee, but vulnera dilacerata, as the poet says, dilacerate dealing?
LUCRE
Upbraid'st thou me with nephew? Is all imputation laid upon me? What acquaintance have I with his follies?
If he riot, 'tis he must want it; if he surfeit, 'tis he must feel it; if he drab it, 'tis he must lie by't; what's this to
me?
HOARD
What's all to thee? Nothing, nothing; such is the gulf of thy desire, and the wolf of thy conscience; but be
assured, old Pecunius Lucre, if ever fortune so bless me, that I may be at leisure to vex thee, or any means so
favour me, that I may have opportunity to mad thee, I will pursue it with that flame of hate, that spirit of
malice, unrepressed wrath, that I will blast thy comforts.
LUCRE
Ha, ha, ha!
LAMPREY
Nay, Master Hoard, you're a wise gentleman.
HOARD
I will so cross thee.
LUCRE
And I thee.
HOARD
So without mercy fret thee.
LUCRE
So monstrously oppose thee!
HOARD
Dost scoff at my just anger? Oh, that I had as much power as usury has over thee!
LUCRE
Then thou wouldst have as much power as the devil has over thee.
HOARD
Toad!
LUCRE
Aspic!
HOARD
Serpent!
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LUCRE
Viper!
SPITCHCOCK
Nay, gentlemen, then we must divide you perforce.
LAMPREY
When the fire grows too unreasonable hot, there's no better way than to take off the wood.
Exeunt. Mane[n]t Sam and Moneylove.
SAM
A word, good signior.
MONEYLOVE
How now, what's the news?
SAM
'Tis given me to understand that you are a rival of mine in the love of Mistress Joyce, Master Hoard's niece:
say me ay, say me no.
MONEYLOVE
Yes, 'tis so.
SAM
Then look to yourself: you cannot live long. I'm practising every morning; a month hence I'll challenge you.
MONEYLOVE
Give me your hand upon't; there's my pledge I'll meet you!
Strikes him. Exit.
SAM
Oh, oh! What reason had you for that, sir, to strike before the [month]? You knew I was not ready for you,
and that made you so crank. I am not such a coward to strike again, I warrant you. My ear has the law of her
side for it burns horribly. I will teach him to strike a naked face, the longest day of his life; 'slid, it shall cost
me some money, but I'll bring this box into the Chancery.
Exit.
[I.iv. Another street in London]
Enter Witgood and the Host.
HOST
Fear you nothing, sir; I have lodged her in a house of credit, I warrant you.
WITGOOD
Hast thou the writings?
HOST
Firm, sir.
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[Enter Dampit and Gulf, who talk apart.]
WITGOOD
Prithee, stay, and behold two the most prodigious rascals that ever slipped into the shape of men: Dampit,
sirrah, and young Gulf, his fellow caterpillar.
HOST
Dampit? Sure I have heard of that Dampit.
WITGOOD
Heard of him? Why, man, he that has lost both his ears may hear of him: a famous infamous trampler of time;
his own phrase. Note him well: that Dampit, sirrah, he in the uneven beard, and the serge cloak, is the most
notorious, usuring, blasphemous, atheistical, brothelvomiting rascal that we have in these latter times now
extant, whose first beginning was the stealing of a masty dog from a farmer's house.
HOST
He looked as if he would obey the commandment[s] well, when he began first with stealing.
WITGOOD
True. The next town he came at, he set the dogs together by th' ears.
HOST
A sign he should follow the law, by my faith.
WITGOOD
So it followed, indeed; and being destitute of all fortunes, staked his masty against a noble, and by great
fortune his dog had the day. How he made it up ten shillings I know not, but his own boast is that he came to
town but with ten shillings in his purse, and now is credibly worth ten thousand pound!
HOST
How the devil came he by it?
WITGOOD
How the devil came he not by it? If you put in the devil once, riches come with a vengeance. H'as been a
trampler of the law, sir, and the devil has a care of his footmen. The rogue has spied me now: he nibbled me
finely once too; a pox search you. [To Dampit] Oh, Master Dampit! [Aside] The very loins of thee! [To Gulf]
Cry you mercy, Master Gulf, you walk so low I promise you I saw you not, sir!
GULF
He that walks low walks safe, the poets tell us.
WITGOOD
[Aside] And nigher hell by a foot and a half than the rest of his fellows.But, my old Harry!
DAMPIT
My sweet Theodorus!
WITGOOD
'Twas a merry world when thou cam'st to town with ten shillings in thy purse.
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DAMPIT
And now worth ten thousand pound, my boy; report it, Harry Dampit, a trampler of time, say, he would be up
in a morning, and be here with his serge gown, dashed up to the hams in a cause; have his feet stink about
Westminster Hall, and come home again; see the galleons, the galleasses, the great armadas of the law; then
there by hoys and petty vessels, oars and scullers of the time; there be picklocks of the time too. Then would I
be here, I would trample up and down like a mule; now to the judges, "May it please your
reverendhonourable fatherhoods"; then to my counsellor, "May it please your worshipful patience"; then to
the examiner's office, "May it please your mastership's gentleness"; then to one of the clerks, "May it please
your worshipful lousiness", for I find him scrubbing in his codpiece; then to the Hall again, then to the
chamber again
WITGOOD
And when to the cellar again?
DAMPIT
E'en when thou wilt again! Tramplers of time, motions of Fleet Street, and visions of Holborn; here I have
fees of one, there I have fees of another; my clients come about me, the fooliaminy and coxcombry of the
country; I still trashed and trotted for other men's causes. Thus was poor Harry Dampit made rich by others'
laziness, who, though they would not follow their own suits, I made 'em follow me with their purses.
WITGOOD
Didst thou so, old Harry?
DAMPIT
Ay, and I [sauced] 'em with bills of charges, i'faith; twenty pound a year have I brought in for boathire, and
I never stepped into boat in my life.
WITGOOD
Tramplers of time!
DAMPIT
Ay, tramplers of time, rascals of time, bullbeggars!
WITGOOD
Ah, thou'rt a mad old Harry! Kind Master Gulf, I am bold to renew my acquaintance.
GULF
I embrace it, sir.
Music. Exeunt.
II.[i. A room in Lucre's house]
Enter Lucre.
LUCRE
My adversary evermore twits me with my nephew, forsooth, my nephew; why may not a virtuous uncle have
a dissolute nephew? What though he be a brotheller, a wastethrift, a common surfeiter, and, to conclude, a
beggar; must sin in him call up shame in me? Since we have no part in their follies, why should we have part
in their infamies? For my strict hand toward his mortgage, that I deny not, I confess I had an uncle's
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pen'worth: let me see, half in half, true. I saw neither hope of his reclaiming nor comfort in his being, and was
it not then better bestowed upon his uncle than upon one of his aunts? I need not say bawd, for everyone
knows what "aunt" stands for in the last translation.
[Enter George.]
Now, sir?
[GEORGE]
There's a country servingman, sir, attends to speak with your worship.
LUCRE
I'm at best leisure now; send him in to me.
[Exit George.] Enter Host like a servingman.
HOST
Bless your venerable worship.
LUCRE
Welcome, good fellow.
HOST
[Aside] He calls me thief at first sight, yet he little thinks I am an host!
LUCRE
What's thy business with me?
HOST
Faith, sir, I am sent from my mistress to any sufficient gentleman indeed, to ask advice upon a doubtful point;
'tis indifferent, sir, to whom I come, for I know none, nor did my mistress direct me to any particular man, for
she's as mere a stranger here as myself; only I found your worship within, and 'tis a thing I ever loved, sir, to
be dispatched as soon as I can.
LUCRE
[Aside] A good blunt honesty, I like him well.What is thy mistress?
HOST
Faith, a country gentlewoman and a widow, sir. Yesterday was the first flight of us, but now she intends to
stay till a little term business be ended.
LUCRE
Her name, I prithee?
HOST
[Handing him documents] It runs there in the writings, sir, among her lands: Widow Medler.
LUCRE
Medler? Mass, have I never heard of that widow?
HOST
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Yes, I warrant you, have you, sir; not the rich widow in Staffordshire?
LUCRE
Cuds me, there 'tis indeed; thou hast put me into memory. There's a widow indeed, ah, that I were a bachelor
again!
HOST
No doubt your worship might do much then, but she's fairly promised to a bachelor already.
LUCRE
Ah, what is he, I prithee?
HOST
A country gentleman too, one whom your worship knows not, I'm sure; h'as spent some few follies in his
youth, but marriage, by my faith, begins to call him home; my mistress loves him, sir, and love covers faults,
you know: one Master Witgood, if ever you have heard of the gentleman?
LUCRE
Ha? Witgood, say'st thou?
HOST
That's his name indeed, sir; my mistress is like to bring him to a goodly seat yonderfour hundred a year, by
my faith.
LUCRE
But, I pray, take me with you.
HOST
Ay, sir?
LUCRE
What countryman might this young Witgood be?
HOST
A Leicestershire gentleman, sir.
LUCRE
[Aside] My nephew, by th' mass, my nephew! I'll fetch out more of this, i'faith; a simple country fellow, I'll
work't out of him.And is that gentleman, say'st thou, presently to marry her?
HOST
Faith, he brought her up to town, sir; h'as the best card in all the bunch for't, her heart; and I know my
mistress will be married ere she go down; nay, I'll swear that, for she's none of those widows that will go
down first, and be married after; she hates that, I can tell you, sir.
LUCRE
By my faith, sir, she is like to have a proper gentleman and a comely; I'll give her that gift!
HOST
What, does your worship know him, sir?
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LUCRE
I know him! Does not all the world know him? Can a man of such exquisite qualities be hid under a bushel?
HOST
Then your worship may save me a labour, for I had charge given me to enquire after him.
LUCRE
Enquire of him? If I might counsel thee, thou shouldst never trouble thyself furder; enquire of him of no more
but of me; I'll fit thee! I grant he has been youthful, but is he not now reclaimed? Mark you that, sir; has not
your mistress, think you, been wanton in her youth? If men be wags, are there not women wagtails?
HOST
No doubt, sir.
LUCRE
Does not he return wisest, that comes home whipped with his own follies?
HOST
Why, very true, sir.
LUCRE
The worst report you can hear of him, I can tell you, is that he has been a kind gentleman, a liberal, and a
worthy; who but lusty Witgood, thrice noble Witgood!
HOST
Since your worship has so much knowledge in him, can you resolve me, sir, what his living might be? My
duty binds me, sir, to have a care of my mistress's estate; she has been ever a good mistress to me, though I
say it. Many wealthy suitors has she nonsuited for his sake; yet, though her love be so fixed, a man cannot
tell whether his nonperformance may help to remove it, sir; he makes us believe he has lands and living.
LUCRE
Who, young Master Witgood? Why, believe it, he has as goodly a fine living out yonderwhat do you call
the place?
HOST
Nay, I know not, i'faith.
LUCRE
Humsee, like a beast, if I have not forgot the namepuh! And out yonder again, goodly grown woods and
fair meadows; pax on't; I can never hit of that place neither. He? Why, he's Witgood of Witgood Hall, he an
unknown thing!
HOST
Is he so, sir? To see how rumour will alter! Trust me, sir, we heard once he had no lands, but all lay
mortgaged to an uncle he has in town here.
LUCRE
Push! 'Tis a tale, 'tis a tale.
HOST
I can assure you, sir, 'twas credibly reported to my mistress.
A Trick to Catch the Old One
II.[i. A room in Lucre's house] 14
Page No 17
LUCRE
Why, do you think, i'faith, he was ever so simple to mortgage his lands to his uncle, or his uncle so unnatural
to take the extremity of such a mortgage?
HOST
That was my saying still, sir.
LUCRE
Puh, never think it.
HOST
Yet that report goes current.
LUCRE
Nay, then you urge me:
Cannot I tell that best that am his uncle?
HOST
How, sir? What have I done!
LUCRE
Why, how now! In a [swoon], man?
HOST
Is your worship his uncle, sir?
LUCRE
Can that be any harm to you, sir?
HOST
I do beseech you, sir, do me the favour to conceal it. What a beast was I to utter so much! Pray, sir, do me the
kindness to keep it in; I shall have my coat pulled o'er my ears, an't should be known; for the truth is, an't
please your worship, to prevent much rumour and many suitors, they intend to be married very suddenly and
privately.
LUCRE
And dost thou think it stands with my judgment to do them injury? Must I needs say the knowledge of this
marriage comes from thee? Am I a fool at fiftyfour? Do I lack subtlety now, that have got all my wealth by
it? There's a leash of angels for thee: come, let me woo thee; speak, where lie they?
HOST
So I might have no anger, sir
LUCRE
Passion of me, not a jot; prithee, come.
HOST
I would not have it known it came by my means.
LUCRE
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Page No 18
Why, am I a man of wisdom?
HOST
I dare trust your worship, sir, but I'm a stranger to your house; and to avoid all intelligencers, I desire your
worship's ear.
LUCRE
[Aside] This fellow's worth a matter of trust.Come, sir.
[The Host whispers to him.]
Why, now, thou'rt an honest lad. [Aside] Ah, sirrah nephew!
HOST
Please you, sir, now I have begun with your worship, when shall I attend for your advice upon that doubtful
point? I must come warily now.
LUCRE
Tut, fear thou nothing; tomorrow's evening shall resolve the doubt.
HOST
The time shall cause my attendance.
LUCRE
Fare thee well.
Exit [Host].
There's more true honesty in such a country servingman than in a hundred of our cloak companions: I may
well call 'em companions, for since blue coats have been turned into cloaks, we can scarce know the man
from the master. George!
[Enter George.]
GEORGE
Anon, sir.
LUCRE
List hither. [Whispers to him.] Keep the place secret. Commend me to my nephew; I know no cause, tell him,
but he might see his uncle.
GEORGE
I will, sir.
LUCRE
And, do you hear, sir, take heed you use him with respect and duty.
GEORGE
[Aside] Here's a strange alteration: one day he must be turned out like a beggar, and now he must be called in
like a knight!
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Page No 19
Exit.
LUCRE
Ah, sirrah, that rich widow! Four hundred a year! Beside, I hear she lays claim to a title of a hundred more.
This falls unhappily that he should bear a grudge to me now, being likely to prove so rich. What is't, trow,
that he makes me a stranger for? HumI hope he has not so much wit to apprehend that I cozened him: he
deceives me then. Good heaven, who would have thought it would ever have come to this pass! Yet he's a
proper gentleman, i'faith, give him his duemarry, that's his mortgage; but that I never mean to give him. I'll
make him rich enough in words, if that be good; and if it come to a piece of money I will not greatly stick
for't: there may be hope of some of the widow's lands, too, may one day fall upon me if things be carried
wisely.
[Enter George.]
Now, sir, where is he?
GEORGE
He desires your worship to hold him excused; he has such weighty business it commands him wholly from all
men.
LUCRE
Were those my nephew's words?
GEORGE
Yes, indeed, sir.
LUCRE
[Aside] When men grow rich, they grow proud too, I perceive that. He would not have sent me such an
answer once within this twelvemonth; see what 'tis when a man's come to his lands!Return to him again,
sir; tell him his uncle desires his company for an hour; I'll trouble him but an hour, say; 'tis for his own good,
tell him; and, do you hear, sir, put "worship" upon him. Go to, do as I bid you; he's like to be a gentleman of
worship very shortly.
GEORGE
[Aside] This is good sport, i'faith.
Exit.
LUCRE
Troth, he uses his uncle discourteously now. Can he tell what I may do for him? Goodness may come from
me in a minute, that comes not in seven year again. He knows my humour; I am not so usually good; 'tis no
small thing that draws kindness from me, he may know that an he will. The chief cause that invites me to do
him most good is the sudden astonishing of old Hoard, my adversary. How pale his malice will look at my
nephew's advancement! With what a dejected spirit he will behold his fortunes, whom but last day he
proclaimed rioter, penurious makeshift, despised brothelmaster! Ha, ha! 'Twill do me more secret joy than
my last purchase, more precious comfort than all these widow's revenues.
[Enter George.]
Now, sir.
A Trick to Catch the Old One
II.[i. A room in Lucre's house] 17
Page No 20
GEORGE
With much entreaty he's at length come, sir.
[Exit.] Enter Witgood.
LUCRE
Oh, nephew, let me salute you, sir! You're welcome, nephew.
WITGOOD
Uncle, I thank you.
LUCRE
Y'ave a fault, nephew; you're a stranger here. Well, heaven give you joy!
WITGOOD
Of what, sir?
LUCRE
Hah, we can hear!
You might have known your uncle's house, i'faith,
You and your widow; go to, you were too blame,
If I may tell you so without offence.
WITGOOD
How could you hear of that, sir?
LUCRE
Oh, pardon me,
It was your will to have it kept from me,
I perceive now.
WITGOOD
Not for any defect of love, I protest, uncle.
LUCRE
Oh, 'twas unkindness, nephew! Fie, fie, fie.
WITGOOD
I am sorry you take it in that sense, sir.
LUCRE
Puh, you cannot colour it, i'faith, nephew.
WITGOOD
Will you but hear what I can say in my just excuse, sir?
LUCRE
Yes, faith, will I, and welcome.
WITGOOD
You that know my danger i' th' city, sir, so well, how great my debts are, and how extreme my creditors,
A Trick to Catch the Old One
II.[i. A room in Lucre's house] 18
Page No 21
could not out of your pure judgment, sir, have wished us hither.
LUCRE
Mass, a firm reason indeed.
WITGOOD
Else, my uncle's house, why 't'ad been the only makematch.
LUCRE
Nay, and thy credit.
WITGOOD
My credit? Nay, my countenance. Push, nay, I know, uncle, you would have wrought it so by your wit you
would have made her believe in time the whole house had been mine.
LUCRE
Ay, and most of the goods, too.
WITGOOD
La, you there; well, let 'em all prate what they will, there's nothing like the bringing of a widow to one's
uncle's house.
LUCRE
Nay, let nephews be ruled as they list, they shall find their uncle's house the most natural place when all's
done.
WITGOOD
There they may be bold.
LUCRE
Life, they may do anything there, man, and fear neither beadle nor summoner. An uncle's house! A very Cole
Harbour! Sirrah, I'll touch thee near now: hast thou so much interest in thy widow that by a token thou
couldst presently send for her?
WITGOOD
Troth, I think I can, uncle.
LUCRE
Go to, let me see that!
WITGOOD
Pray command one of your men hither, uncle.
LUCRE
George!
[Enter George.]
GEORGE
Here, sir.
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II.[i. A room in Lucre's house] 19
Page No 22
LUCRE
Attend my nephew!
[Witgood whispers to George, who then goes out]
[Aside] I love a' life to prattle with a rich widow; 'tis pretty, methinks, when our tongues go together; and
then to promise much and perform little. I love that sport a' life, i'faith. Yet I am in the mood now to do my
nephew some good, if he take me handsomely.What, have you dispatched?
WITGOOD
I ha' sent, sir.
LUCRE
Yet I must condemn you of unkindness, nephew.
WITGOOD
Heaven forbid, uncle!
LUCRE
Yes, faith, must I; say your debts be many, your creditors importunate, yet the kindness of a thing is all,
nephew; you might have sent me close word on't, without the least danger or prejudice to your fortunes.
WITGOOD
Troth, I confess it, uncle, I was too blame there; but, indeed, my intent was to have clapped it up suddenly,
and so have broke forth like a joy to my friends, and a wonder to the world. Beside, there's a trifle of a forty
pound matter toward the setting of me forth; my friends should never have known on't; I meant to make shift
for that myself.
LUCRE
How, nephew? Let me not hear such a word again, I beseech you. Shall I be beholding to you?
WITGOOD
To me? Alas, what do you mean, uncle?
LUCRE
I charge you upon my love: you trouble nobody but myself.
WITGOOD
Y'ave no reason for that, uncle.
LUCRE
Troth, I'll never be friends with you while you live, an you do.
WITGOOD
Nay, an you say so, uncle, here's my hand, I will not do't.
LUCRE
Why, well said! There's some hope in thee when thou wilt be ruled; I'll make it up fifty, faith, because I see
thee so reclaimed. Peace, here comes my wife with Sam, her tother husband's son.
[Enter Wife and Sam.]
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II.[i. A room in Lucre's house] 20
Page No 23
WITGOOD
Good aunt
SAM
Cousin Witgood! I rejoice in my salute: you're most welcome to this noble city governed with the sword in
the scabbard.
WITGOOD
[Aside] And the wit in the pommelgood Master Sam Freedom, I return the salute.
LUCRE
By the mass, she's coming; wife, let me see now how thou wilt entertain her.
WIFE
I hope I am not to learn, sir, to entertain a widow; 'tis not so long ago since I was one myself.
[Enter Courtesan.]
WITGOOD
Uncle
LUCRE
She's come indeed!
WITGOOD
My uncle was desirous to see you, widow, and I presumed to invite you.
COURTESAN
The presumption was nothing. Master Witgood: is this your uncle, sir?
LUCRE
Marry am I, sweet widow, and his good uncle he shall find me; ay, by this smack that I give thee, thou'rt
welcome. Wife, bid the widow welcome the same way again.
SAM
[Aside] I am a gentleman now too, by my father's occupation, and I see no reason but I may kiss a widow by
my father's copy; truly, I think the charter is not against it; surely these are the words: "The son, once a
gentleman, may revel it, though his father were a dauber;" 'tis about the fifteenth page. I'll to her.
[Attempts to kiss the Courtesan, who rejects him.]
LUCRE
Y'are not very busy now; a word with thee, sweet widow
SAM
[Aside] Coad's nigs! I was never so disgraced, since the hour my mother whipped me.
LUCRE
Beside, I have no child of mine own to care for; she's my second wife, old, past bearing; clap sure to him,
widow; he's like to be my heir, I can tell you.
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II.[i. A room in Lucre's house] 21
Page No 24
COURTESAN
Is he so, sir?
LUCRE
He knows it already, and the knave's proud on't; jolly rich widows have been offered him here i' th' city, great
merchants' wives, and do you think he would once look upon 'em? Forsooth, he'll none. You are beholding to
him i' th' country, then, ere we could be; nay, I'll hold a wager, widow, if he were once known to be in town,
he would be presently sought after; nay, and happy were they that could catch him first.
COURTESAN
I think so.
LUCRE
Oh, there would be such running to and fro, widow, he should not pass the streets for 'em; he'd be took up in
one great house or other presently. Fah! They know he has it, and must have it. You see this house here,
widow; this house and all comes to him, goodly rooms, ready furnished, ceiled with plaster of Paris, and all
hung above with cloth of arras. Nephew!
WITGOOD
Sir.
LUCRE
Show the widow your house; carry her into all the rooms and bid her welcome. You shall see, widow. [Aside
to Witgood] Nephew, strike all sure above an thou beest a good boyah!
WITGOOD
Alas, sir, I know not how she would take it.
LUCRE
The right way, I warrant t'ee. A pox, art an ass? Would I were in thy stead! Get you up; I am ashamed of you.
[Exeunt Witgood and Courtesan.]
[Aside] So, let 'em agree as they will now; many a match has been struck up in my house a' this fashion: let
'em try all manner of ways, still there's nothing like an uncle's house to strike the stroke in. I'll hold my wife
in talk a little.Now, Jinny, your son there goes awooing to a poor gentlewoman but of a thousand portion;
see my nephew, a lad of less hope, strikes at four hundred a year in good rubbish.
WIFE
Well, we must do as we may, sir.
LUCRE
I'll have his money ready told for him again he come down. Let me see, too; by th' mass, I must present the
widow with some jewel, a good piece a' plate, or such a device; 'twill hearten her on well. I have a very fair
[standing] cup, and a good high standing cup will please a widow above all other pieces.
Exit.
WIFE
Do you mock us with your nephew? I have a plot in my head, son; i'faith, husband, to cross you.
A Trick to Catch the Old One
II.[i. A room in Lucre's house] 22
Page No 25
SAM
Is it a tragedy plot, or a comedy plot, good mother?
WIFE
'Tis a plot shall vex him, I charge you, of my blessing, son Sam, that you presently withdraw the action of
your love from Master Hoard's niece.
SAM
How, mother!
WIFE
Nay, I have a plot in my head, i'faith. Here, take this chain of gold, and this fair diamond; dog me the widow
home to her lodging, and at thy best opportunity fasten 'em both upon her. Nay I have a reach; I can tell you
thou art known what thou art, son, among the right worshipful, all the twelve companies.
SAM
Truly, I thank 'em for it.
WIFE
He? He's a scab to thee; and so certify her thou hast two hundred a year of thyself, beside thy good parts, a
proper person and a lovely. If I were a widow, I could find it in my heart to have thee myself, son; ay, from
'em all.
SAM
Thank you for your good will, mother, but indeed I had rather have a stranger; and if I woo her not in that
violent fashion that I will make her be glad to take these gifts ere I leave her, let me never be called the heir
of your body.
WIFE
Nay, I know there's enough in you, son, if you once come to put it forth.
SAM
I'll quickly make a bolt or a shaft on't.
Exeunt.
[II.ii. A street in London]
Enter Hoard and Moneylove.
MONEYLOVE
Faith, Master Hoard, I have bestowed many months in the suit of your niece, such was the dear love I ever
bore to her virtues; but since she hath so extremely denied me, I am to lay out for my fortunes elsewhere.
HOARD
Heaven forbid but you should, sir. I ever told you my niece stood otherwise affected.
MONEYLOVE
I must confess you did, sir; yet, in regard of my great loss of time, and the zeal with which I sought your
niece, shall I desire one favour of your worship?
HOARD
A Trick to Catch the Old One
II.[i. A room in Lucre's house] 23
Page No 26
In regard of those two, 'tis hard but you shall, sir.
MONEYLOVE
I shall rest grateful. 'Tis not full three hours, sir, since the happy rumour of a rich country widow came to my
hearing.
HOARD
How? A rich country widow?
MONEYLOVE
Four hundred a year landed.
HOARD
Yes?
MONEYLOVE
Most firm, sir, and I have learned her lodging; here my suit begins, sir: if I might but entreat your worship to
be a countenance for me, and speak a good wordfor your words will passI nothing doubt but I might set
fair for the widow; nor shall your labour, sir, end altogether in thanks, two hundred angels
HOARD
So, so, what suitors has she?
MONEYLOVE
There lies the comfort, sir, the report of her is yet but a whisper, and only solicited by young riotous Witgood,
nephew to your mortal adversary.
HOARD
Ha! Art certain he's her suitor?
MONEYLOVE
Most certain, sir, and his uncle very industrious to beguile the widow, and make up the match!
HOARD
So! Very good!
MONEYLOVE
Now, sir, you know this young Witgood is a spendthrift, dissolute fellow.
HOARD
A very rascal.
MONEYLOVE
A midnight surfeiter.
HOARD
The spume of a brothelhouse.
MONEYLOVE
True, sir! Which being well told in your worship's phrase, may both heave him out of her mind, and drive a
fair way for me to the widow's affections.
A Trick to Catch the Old One
II.[i. A room in Lucre's house] 24
Page No 27
HOARD
Attend me about five.
MONEYLOVE
With my best care, sir.
Exit.
HOARD
Fool, thou hast left thy treasure with a thief,
To trust a widower with a suit in love!
Happy revenge, I hug thee! I have not only the means laid before me, extremely to cross my adversary, and
confound the last hopes of his nephew, but thereby to enrich my state, augment my revenues, and build mine
own fortunes greater; ha, ha!
I'll mar your phrase, o'erturn your flatteries,
Undo your windings, policies, and plots,
Fall like a secret and dispatchful [plague]
On your secured comforts. Why, I am able
To buy three of Lucre, thrice outbid him,
Let my outmonies be reckoned and all.
Enter three Creditors.
FIRST CREDITOR
I am glad of this news.
SECOND CREDITOR
So are we, by my faith.
THIRD CREDITOR
Young Witgood will be a gallant again now.
HOARD
[Aside] Peace!
FIRST CREDITOR
I promise you, Master Cockpit, she's a mighty rich widow.
SECOND CREDITOR
Why, have you ever heard of her?
FIRST CREDITOR
Who? Widow Medler? She lies open to much rumour.
THIRD CREDITOR
Four hundred a year, they say, in very good land.
FIRST CREDITOR
Nay, take't of my word, if you believe that, you believe the least.
A Trick to Catch the Old One
II.[i. A room in Lucre's house] 25
Page No 28
SECOND CREDITOR
And to see how close he keeps it!
FIRST CREDITOR
Oh, sir, there's policy in that, to prevent better suitors.
THIRD CREDITOR
He owes me a hundred pound, and I protest I never looked for a penny.
FIRST CREDITOR
He little dreams of our coming; he'll wonder to see his creditors upon him.
Exeunt.
HOARD
Good, his creditors; I'll follow. This makes for me:
All know the widow's wealth; and 'tis well known
I can estate her fairly, ay, and will.
In this one chance shines a twice happy fate:
I both deject my foe, and raise my state.
Music. Exit.
III.[i. Another street in London]
[Enter] Witgood and his Creditors.
WITGOOD
Why, alas, my creditors, could you find no other time to undo me but now? Rather, your malice appears in
this than the justness of the debt.
FIRST CREDITOR
Master Witgood, I have forborne my money long.
WITGOOD
I pray, speak low, sir; what do you mean?
SECOND CREDITOR
We hear you are to married suddenly to a rich country widow.
WITGOOD
What can be kept so close but you creditors hear on't? Well, 'tis a lamentable state, that our chiefest afflicters
should first hear of our fortunes. Why, this is no good course, i'faith, sirs; if ever you have hope to be
satisfied, why do you seek to confound the means that should work it? There's neither piety, no, nor policy in
that. Shine favourably now, why, I may rise and spread again, to your great comforts.
FIRST CREDITOR
He says true, i'faith.
WITGOOD
A Trick to Catch the Old One
III.[i. Another street in London] 26
Page No 29
Remove me now, and I consume for ever.
SECOND CREDITOR
Sweet gentleman!
WITGOOD
How can it thrive which from the sun you sever?
THIRD CREDITOR
It cannot, indeed!
WITGOOD
Oh, then, show patience! I shall have enough
To satisfy you all.
FIRST CREDITOR
Ay, if we could
Be content, a shame take us.
WITGOOD
For, look you,
I am but newly sure yet to the widow,
And what a rend might this discredit make!
Within these three days will I bind you lands
For your securities.
FIRST CREDITOR
No, good Master Witgood,
Would 'twere as much as we dare trust you with!
WITGOOD
I know you have been kind; however, now,
Either by wrong report, or false incitement,
Your gentleness is injured. In such
A state as this a man cannot want foes.
If on the sudden he begin to rise,
No man that lives can count his enemies.
You had some intelligence, I warrant ye, from an illwiller.
SECOND CREDITOR
Faith, we heard you brought up a rich widow, sir, and were suddenly to marry her.
WITGOOD
Ay, why there it was, I knew 'twas so: but since you are so well resolved of my faith toward you, let me be so
much favoured of you, I beseech you all
ALL
Oh, it shall not need, i'faith, sir
WITGOOD
As to lie still awhile, and bury my debts in silence, till I be fully possessed of the widow; for the truth is, I
A Trick to Catch the Old One
III.[i. Another street in London] 27
Page No 30
may tell you as my friends
ALL
Oh, oh, oh
WITGOOD
I am to raise a little money in the city, toward the setting forth of myself, for mine own credit, and your
comfort. Now, if my former debts should be divulged, all hope of my proceedings were quite extinguished!
FIRST CREDITOR
[Taking Witgood aside] Do you hear, sir? I may deserve your custom hereafter; pray let my money be
accepted before a stranger's. Here's forty pound I received as I came to you; if that may stand you in any
stead, make use on't. Nay, pray sir, 'tis at your service.
WITGOOD
You do so ravish me with kindness that
I'm constrained to play the maid and take it!
FIRST CREDITOR
Let none of them see it, I beseech you.
WITGOOD
Fah!
FIRST CREDITOR
I hope I shall be first in your remembrance
After the marriage rites.
WITGOOD
Believe it firmly.
FIRST CREDITOR
So.What, do you walk, sirs?
SECOND CREDITOR
I go. [Taking Witgood aside] Take no care, sir, for money to furnish you; within this hour I'll send you
sufficient.Come, Master Cockpit, we both stay for you.
THIRD CREDITOR
I ha' lost a ring, i'faith, I'll follow you presently.
[Exeunt First and Second Creditors.]
But you shall find it, sir; I know your youth and expenses have disfunished you of all jewels; there's a ruby of
twenty pound price, sir; bestow it upon your widow. What, man, 'twill call up her blood to you; beside, if I
might so much work with you, I would not have you beholding to those bloodsuckers for any money.
WITGOOD
Not I, believe it.
THIRD CREDITOR
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III.[i. Another street in London] 28
Page No 31
They're a brace of cutthroats!
WITGOOD
I know 'em.
THIRD CREDITOR
Send a note of all your wants to my shop, and I'll supply you instantly.
WITGOOD
Say you so? Why, here's my hand then, no man living shall do't but thyself.
THIRD CREDITOR
Shall I carry it away from 'em both then?
WITGOOD
I'faith, shalt thou!
THIRD CREDITOR
Troth, then I thank you, sir.
WITGOOD
Welcome, good Master Cockpit.
Exit [Third Creditor].
Ha, ha, ha! Why, is not this better now than lying abed? I perceive there's nothing conjures up wit sooner
than poverty, and nothing lays it down sooner than wealth and lechery! This has some savour; yet, oh, that I
had the mortgage from mine uncle as sure in possession as these trifles! I would forswear brothel at noon day,
and muscadine and eggs at midnight.
Enter Courtesan.
COURTESAN
Master Witgood? Where are you?
WITGOOD
Holla!
COURTESAN
Rich news!
WITGOOD
Would 'twere all in plate.
COURTESAN
There's some in chains and jewels. I am so haunted with suitors, Master Witgood, I know not which to
dispatch first.
WITGOOD
You have the better term, by my faith.
A Trick to Catch the Old One
III.[i. Another street in London] 29
Page No 32
COURTESAN
Among the number, one Master Hoard, an ancient gentleman.
WITGOOD
Upon my life, my uncle's adversary.
COURTESAN
It may well hold so, for he rails on you,
Speaks shamefully of him.
WITGOOD
As I could wish it.
COURTESAN
I first denied him, but so cunningly,
It rather promised him assured hopes,
Than any loss of labour.
WITGOOD
Excellent.
COURTESAN
I expect him every hour, with gentlemen
With whom he labours to make good his words,
To approve you riotous, your state consumed,
Your uncle
WITGOOD
Wench, make up thy own fortunes now, do thyself a good turn once in thy days. He's rich in money,
moveables, and lands; marry him, he's an old doting fool, and that's worth all; marry him, 'twould be a great
comfort to me to see thee do well, i'faith; marry him, 'twould ease my conscience well to see thee well
bestowed; I have a care of thee, i'faith.
COURTESAN
Thanks, sweet Master Witgood.
WITGOOD
I reach at farder happiness: first, I am sure it can be no harm to thee, and there may happen goodness to me
by it. Prosecute it well: let's send up for [our] wits, now we require their best and most pregnant assistance!
COURTESAN
Step in, I think I hear 'em.
Exit [with Witgood]. Enter Hoard and Gentlemen [Lamprey and Spitchcock] with the Host [as] servingman.
HOARD
Art thou the widow's man? By my faith, sh'as a company of proper men then.
HOST
I am the worst of six, sir; good enough for bluecoats.
A Trick to Catch the Old One
III.[i. Another street in London] 30
Page No 33
HOARD
Hark hither: I hear say thou art in most credit with her.
HOST
Not so, sir.
HOARD
Come, come, thou'rt modest. There's a brace of royals; prithee, help me to th' speech of her.
HOST
I'll do what I may, sir, always saving myself harmless.
HOARD
Go to, do't, I say; thou shalt hear better from me.
HOST
[Aside] Is not this a better place than five mark a year standing wages? Say a man had but three such clients
in a day, methinks he might make a poor living on't; beside, I was never brought up with so little honesty to
refuse any man's money; never. What gulls there are a' this side of the world! Now know I the widow's mind,
none but my young master comes in her clutches. Ha, ha, ha!
Exit.
HOARD
Now, my dear gentlemen, stand firmly to me;
You know his follies, and my worth.
[LAMPREY]
We do, sir.
[SPITCHCOCK]
But, Master Hoard, are you sure he is not i' th' house now?
HOARD
Upon my honesty I chose this time
A' purpose, fit; the spendthrift is abroad.
Assist me; here she comes.
[Enter Courtesan.]
Now, my sweet widow.
COURTESAN
Y'are welcome, Master Hoard.
HOARD
Dispatch, sweet gentlemen, dispatch.
I am come, widow, to prove those my words
Neither of envy sprung nor of false tongues,
But such as their deserts and actions
Do merit and bring forth, all which these gentlemen,
A Trick to Catch the Old One
III.[i. Another street in London] 31
Page No 34
Well known and better reputed, will confess.
COURTESAN
I cannot tell
How my affections may dispose of me,
But surely if they find him so desertless,
They'll have that reason to withdraw themselves.
And therefore, gentlemen, I do entreat you,
As you are fair in reputation
And in appearing form, so shine in truth.
I am a widow, and, alas, you know,
Soon overthrown; 'tis a very small thing
That we withstand, our weakness is so great.
Be partial unto neither, but deliver,
Without affection, your opinion.
HOARD
And that will drive it home.
COURTESAN
Nay, I beseech your silence, Master Hoard;
You are a party.
HOARD
Widow, not a word!
[LAMPREY]
The better first to work you to belief,
Know neither of us owe him flattery,
Nor t'other malice, but unbribed censure,
So help us our best fortunes.
COURTESAN
It suffices.
[LAMPREY]
That Witgood is a riotous, undone man,
Imperfect both in fame and in estate,
His debts wealthier than he, and executions
In wait for his due body, we'll maintain
With our best credit and our dearest blood.
COURTESAN
Nor land nor living, say you? Pray, take heed
You do not wrong the gentleman!
[LAMPREY]
What we speak
Our lives and means are ready to make good.
COURTESAN
A Trick to Catch the Old One
III.[i. Another street in London] 32
Page No 35
Alas, how soon are we poor souls beguiled!
[SPITCHCOCK]
And for his uncle
HOARD
Let that come to me.
His uncle, a severe extortioner;
A tyrant at a forfeiture; greedy of others'
Miseries; one that would undo his brother,
Nay, swallow up his father, if he can,
Within the fathoms of his conscience.
[LAMPREY]
Nay, believe it, widow,
You had not only matched yourself to wants,
But in an evil and unnatural stock.
HOARD
[Aside] Follow hard, gentlemen, follow hard!
COURTESAN
Is my love so deceived? Before you all
I do renounce him; on my knees I vow
He ne'er shall marry me.
WITGOOD
[Appearing] Heaven knows he never meant it!
HOARD
[Aside to Lamprey] There, take her at the bound.
[LAMPREY]
Then with a new and pure affection,
Behold yon gentleman, grave, kind, and rich,
A match worthy yourself; esteeming him,
You do regard your state.
HOARD
[Aside to Lamprey] I'll make her a jointure, say.
[LAMPREY]
He can join land to land, and will possess you
Of what you can desire.
[SPITCHCOCK]
Come, widow, come.
COURTESAN
The world is so deceitful!
A Trick to Catch the Old One
III.[i. Another street in London] 33
Page No 36
[LAMPREY]
There 'tis deceitful,
Where flattery, want, and imperfection lies;
But none of these in him; push!
COURTESAN
Pray, sir
[LAMPREY]
Come, you widows are ever most backward when you should do yourselves most good; but were it to marry a
chin not worth a hair now, then you would be forward enough! Come, clap hands, a match. [He joins their
hands.]
HOARD
With all my heart, widow. Thanks, gentlemen.
I will deserve your labour, and thy love.
COURTESAN
Alas, you love not widows but for wealth!
I promise you I ha' nothing, sir.
HOARD
Well said, widow,
Well said; thy love is all I seek, before
These gentlemen.
COURTESAN
Now I must hope the best.
HOARD
My joys are such they want to be expressed.
COURTESAN
But, Master Hoard, one thing I must remember you of, before these gentlemen, your friends: how shall I
suddenly avoid the loathed soliciting of that perjured Witgood, and his tedious, dissembling uncle, who this
[very] day hath appointed a meeting for the same purpose too, where, had not truth come forth, I had been
undone, utterly undone.
HOARD
What think you of that, gentlemen?
[LAMPREY]
'Twas well devised.
HOARD
Hark thee, widow: train out young Witgood single; hasten him thither with thee, somewhat before the hour,
where, at the place appointed, these gentlemen and myself will wait the opportunity, when, by some sleight
removing him from thee, we'll suddenly enter and surprise thee, carry thee away by boat to Cole Harbour,
have a priest ready, and there clap it up instantly. How lik'st it, widow?
COURTESAN
A Trick to Catch the Old One
III.[i. Another street in London] 34
Page No 37
In that it pleaseth you, it likes me well.
HOARD
I'll kiss thee for those words. Come, gentlemen;
Still must I live a suitor to your favours,
Still to your aid beholding.
[LAMPREY]
We're engaged, sir;
'Tis for our credits now to see't well ended.
HOARD
'Tis for your honours, gentlemen; nay, look to't;
[Aside] Not only in joy, but I in wealth excel.
No more sweet widow, but sweet wife, farewell.
COURTESAN
Farewell, sir.
Exeunt [Hoard, Lamprey and Spitchcock]. Enter Witgood.
WITGOOD
Oh, for more scope! I could laugh eternally! Give you joy, Mistress Hoard; I promise your fortune was good,
forsooth; y'ave fell upon wealth enough, and there's young gentlemen enow can help you to the rest. Now it
requires our wits; carry thyself but heedfully now, and we are both
[Enter Host.]
HOST
Master Witgood, your uncle.
WITGOOD
Cuds me! Remove thyself a while; I'll serve for him.
[Exeunt Courtesan and Host.] Enter Lucre.
LUCRE
Nephew, good morrow, nephew.
WITGOOD
The same to you, kind uncle.
LUCRE
How fares the widow? Does the meeting hold?
WITGOOD
Oh, no question of that, sir.
LUCRE
I'll strike the stroke, then, for thee; no more days.
A Trick to Catch the Old One
III.[i. Another street in London] 35
Page No 38
WITGOOD
The sooner the better, uncle. Oh, she's mightily followed!
LUCRE
And yet so little rumoured!
WITGOOD
Mightily! Here comes one old gentleman, and he'll make her a jointure of three hundred a year, forsooth;
another wealthy suitor will estate his son in his lifetime, and make him weigh down the widow; here a
merchant's son will possess her with no less than three goodly lordships at once, which were all pawns to his
father.
LUCRE
Peace, nephew, let me hear no more of 'em; it mads me. Thou shalt prevent 'em all. No words to the widow of
my coming hither. Let me see. 'Tis now upon nine; before twelve, nephew, we will have the bargain struck,
we will, i'faith, boy.
WITGOOD
Oh, my precious uncle!
Exit [with Lucre].
[III.ii. Hoard's house, London]
[Enter] Hoard and his Niece.
HOARD
Niece, sweet niece, prithee, have a care to my house; I leave all to thy discretion. Be content to dream awhile;
I'll have a husband for thee shortly; put that care upon me, wench, for in choosing wives and husbands I am
only fortunate; I have that gift given me.
Exit.
NIECE
But 'tis not likely you should choose for me,
Since nephew to your chiefest enemy
Is he whom I affect; but, oh, forgetful!
Why dost thou flatter thy affections so,
With name of him that for a widow's bed
Neglects thy purer love? Can [it] be so,
Or does report dissemble?
[Enter George.]
How now, sir?
GEORGE
A letter, with which came a private charge.
NIECE
Therein I thank your care.
[Exit George.]
A Trick to Catch the Old One
III.[i. Another street in London] 36
Page No 39
I know this hand. [Reads] "Dearer than sight, what the world reports of me, yet believe not; rumour will alter
shortly. Be thou constant; I am still the same that I was in love, and I hope to be the same in fortunes.
Theodorus Witgood."
I am resolved; no more shall fear or doubt
Raise their pale powers to keep affection out.
Exit.
[III.iii. A tavern, London]
Enter, with a Drawer, Hoard and two Gentlemen [Lamprey and Spitchcock].
DRAWER
You're very welcome, gentlemen. Dick, show those gentlemen the Pomegranate, there.
HOARD
Hist!
DRAWER
Up those stairs, gentlemen.
HOARD
Pist! Drawer
DRAWER
Anon, sir.
HOARD
Prithee, ask at the bar if a gentlewoman came not in lately.
DRAWER
William, at the bar, did you see any gentlewoman come in lately? Speak you ay, speak you no?
WILLIAM
[Within] No, none came in yet but Mistress Florence.
DRAWER
He says none came in yet, sir, but one Mistress Florence.
HOARD
What is that Florence? A widow?
DRAWER
Yes, a Dutch widow.
HOARD
How?
DRAWER
That's an English drab, sir; give your worship good morrow.
A Trick to Catch the Old One
III.[i. Another street in London] 37
Page No 40
[Exit.]
HOARD
A merry knave, i'faith! I shall remember a Dutch widow the longest day of my life.
[LAMPREY]
Did not I use most art to win the widow?
[SPITCHCOCK]
You shall pardon me for that, sir; Master Hoard knows I took her at best vantage.
HOARD
What's that, sweet gentlemen, what's that?
[SPITCHCOCK]
He will needs bear me down that his art only wrought with the widow most.
HOARD
Oh, you did both well, gentlemen, you did both well, I thank you.
[LAMPREY]
I was the first that moved her.
HOARD
You were, i'faith.
[SPITCHCOCK]
But it was I that took her at the bound.
HOARD
Ay, that was you; faith, gentlemen, 'tis right.
[LAMPREY]
I boasted least, but 'twas I joined their hands.
HOARD
By th' mass, I think he did. You did all well,
Gentlemen, you did all well; contend no more.
[LAMPREY]
Come, yon room's fittest.
HOARD
True, 'tis next the door.
Exit [with Lamprey and Spitchcock]. Enter Witgood, Courtesan, [Drawer] and Host.
DRAWER
You're very welcome; please you to walk upstairs, cloth's laid, sir.
COURTESAN
A Trick to Catch the Old One
III.[i. Another street in London] 38
Page No 41
Upstairs? Troth, I am weary, Master Witgood.
WITGOOD
Rest yourself here awhile, widow; we'll have a cup of muscadine in this little room.
DRAWER
A cup of muscadine? You shall have the best, sir.
WITGOOD
But, do you hear, sirrah?
DRAWER
Do you call? Anon, sir.
WITGOOD
What is there provided for dinner?
DRAWER
I cannot readily tell you, sir; if you please, you may go into the kitchen and see yourself, sir; many gentlemen
of worship do use to do it, I assure you, sir.
[Exit.]
HOST
A pretty familiar prigging rascal, he has his part without book!
WITGOOD
Against you are ready to drink to me, widow, I'll be present to pledge you.
COURTESAN
Nay, I commend your care, 'tis done well of you.
[Exit Witgood.]
['Las], what have I forgot!
HOST
What, mistress?
COURTESAN
I slipped my wedding ring off when I washed, and left it at my lodging; prithee run, I shall be sad without it.
[Exit Host.]
So, he's gone! Boy!
[Enter Boy.]
BOY
Anon, forsooth.
A Trick to Catch the Old One
III.[i. Another street in London] 39
Page No 42
COURTESAN
Come hither, sirrah: learn secretly if one Master Hoard, an ancient gentleman, be about house.
BOY
I heard such a one named.
COURTESAN
Commend me to him.
Enter Hoard with Gentlemen [Lamprey and Spitchcock].
HOARD
I'll do thy commendations!
COURTESAN
Oh, you come well; away, to boat, begone.
HOARD
Thus wise men are revenged, give two for one.
Exeunt. Enter Witgood and Vintner.
WITGOOD
I must request
You, sir, to show extraordinary care;
My uncle comes with gentlemen, his friends,
And 'tis upon a making.
VINTNER
Is it so?
I'll give a special charge, good Master Witgood.
May I be bold to see her?
WITGOOD
Who, [the] widow?
With all my heart, i'faith, I'll bring you to her!
VINTNER
If she be a Staffordshire gentlewoman, 'tis much if I know her not.
WITGOOD
How now? Boy, drawer!
VINTNER
Hie!
[Enter Boy.]
BOY
Do you call, sir?
A Trick to Catch the Old One
III.[i. Another street in London] 40
Page No 43
WITGOOD
Went the gentlewoman up that was here?
BOY
Up, sir? She went out, sir.
WITGOOD
Out, sir?
BOY
Out, sir; one Master Hoard with a guard of gentlemen carried her out at back door, a pretty while since, sir.
WITGOOD
Hoard? Death and darkness, Hoard?
Enter Host.
HOST
The devil of ring I can find!
WITGOOD
How now, what news? Where's the widow?
HOST
My mistress? Is she not here, sir?
WITGOOD
More madness yet.
HOST
She sent me for a ring.
WITGOOD
A plot, a plot! To boat! She's stole away!
HOST
What?
Enter Lucre with Gentlemen.
WITGOOD
Follow, enquire old Hoard, my uncle's adversary!
[Exit Host.]
LUCRE
Nephew, what's that?
WITGOOD
Thrice miserable wretch!
A Trick to Catch the Old One
III.[i. Another street in London] 41
Page No 44
LUCRE
Why, what's the matter?
VINTNER
The widow's borne away, sir.
LUCRE
Ha? Passion of me! A heavy welcome, gentlemen.
FIRST GENTLEMAN
The widow gone?
LUCRE
Who durst attempt it?
WITGOOD
Who but old Hoard, my uncle's adversary?
LUCRE
How!
WITGOOD
With his confederates.
LUCRE
Hoard, my deadly enemy! Gentlemen, stand to me,
I will not bear it, 'tis in hate of me;
That villain seeks my shame, nay, [thirsts] my blood;
He owes me mortal malice.
I'll spend my wealth on this despiteful plot,
Ere he shall cross me and my nephew thus.
WITGOOD
So maliciously.
Enter Host.
LUCRE
How now, you treacherous rascal?
HOST
That's none of my name, sir.
WITGOOD
Poor soul, he knew not on't.
LUCRE
I'm sorry. I see then 'twas a mere plot.
HOST
I traced 'em nearly
A Trick to Catch the Old One
III.[i. Another street in London] 42
Page No 45
LUCRE
Well?
HOST
And hear for certain
They have took Cole Harbour.
LUCRE
The devil's sanctuary!
They shall not rest, I'll pluck her from his arms.
Kind and dear gentlemen,
If ever I had seat within your breasts
FIRST GENTLEMAN
No more, good sir; it is a wrong to us
To see you injured; in a cause so just
We'll spend our lives, but we will right our friends.
LUCRE
Honest and kind! Come, we have delayed too long:
Nephew, take comfort; a just cause is strong.
WITGOOD
That's all my comfort, uncle.
Exeunt [Lucre, Gentlemen, Host, Vintner, and Boy].
Ha, ha, ha!
Now may events fall luckily and well:
He that ne'er strives, says wit, shall ne'er excel.
Exit.
[III.iv. Dampit's House, London]
Enter Dampit the usurer, drunk.
DAMPIT
When did I say my prayers? In anno '88, when the great armada was coming; and in anno '99, when the great
thundering and [lightning] was, I prayed heartily then, i'faith, to overthrow Poovies' new buildings; I kneeled
by my great iron chest, I remember.
[Enter Audrey.]
AUDREY
Master Dampit, one may hear you before they see you; you keep sweet hours, Master Dampit; we were all
abed three hours ago.
DAMPIT
Audrey?
AUDREY
A Trick to Catch the Old One
III.[i. Another street in London] 43
Page No 46
Oh, y'are a fine gentleman.
DAMPIT
So I am, i'faith, and a fine scholar. Do you use to go to [bed] so early, Audrey?
AUDREY
Call you this early, Master Dampit?
DAMPIT
Why, is't not one of clock i' th' morning? Is not that early enough? Fetch me a glass of fresh beer.
AUDREY
Here, I have warmed your nightcap for you, Master Dampit.
DAMPIT
Draw it on then. I am very weak, truly; I have not eaten so much as the bulk of an egg these three days.
AUDREY
You have drunk the more, Master Dampit.
DAMPIT
What's that?
AUDREY
You mought, an you would, Master Dampit.
DAMPIT
I answer you I cannot. Hold your prating; you prate too much and understand too little. Are you answered?
Give me a glass of beer.
AUDREY
May I ask you how you do, Master Dampit?
DAMPIT
How do I? I'faith, naught.
AUDREY
I never knew you do otherwise.
DAMPIT
I eat not one penn'ort' of bread these two years. Give me a glass of fresh beer. I am not sick, nor I am not
well.
AUDREY
Take this warm napkin about your neck, sir, whilst I help to make you unready.
DAMPIT
How now, Audreyprater, with your scurvy devices, what say you now?
AUDREY
What say I, Master Dampit? I say nothing but that you are very weak.
A Trick to Catch the Old One
III.[i. Another street in London] 44
Page No 47
DAMPIT
Faith, thou hast more coneycatching devices than all London!
AUDREY
Why, Master Dampit, I never deceived you in all my life!
DAMPIT
Why was that? Because I never did trust thee.
AUDREY
I care not what you say, Master Dampit!
DAMPIT
Hold thy prating. I answer thee, thou art a beggar, a quean, and a bawd; are you answered?
AUDREY
Fie, Master Dampit! A gentleman, and have such words?
DAMPIT
Why, thou base drudge of infortunity, thou kitchenstuff drab of beggary, roguery and coxcombry, thou
cavernesed quean of foolery, knavery and bawdreaminy, I'll tell thee what, I will not give a louse for thy
fortunes.
AUDREY
No, Master Dampit? And there's a gentleman comes awooing to me, and he doubts nothing but that you will
get me from him.
DAMPIT
I? If I would either have thee or lie with thee for two thousand pound, would I might be damned! Why, thou
base, impudent quean of foolery, flattery and coxcombry, are you answered?
AUDREY
Come, will you rise and go to bed, sir?
DAMPIT
Rise, and go to bed too, Audrey? How does [Mistress] Proserpine?
AUDREY
Fooh
DAMPIT
She's as fine a philosopher of a stinkard's wife as any within the liberties. Fah, fah, Audrey!
AUDREY
How now, Master Dampit?
DAMPIT
Fie upon't, what a choice of stinks [is here]! What hast thou done, Audrey? Fie upon't, here's a choice of
stinks indeed! Give me a glass of fresh beer, and then I will to bed.
A Trick to Catch the Old One
III.[i. Another street in London] 45
Page No 48
AUDREY
It waits for you above, sir.
DAMPIT
Foh! I think they burn horns in Barnard's Inn; if ever I smelt such an abominable stink, usury forsake me.
[Exit.]
AUDREY
They be the stinking nails of his trampling feet, and he talks of burning of horns.
Exit.
IV.[i. An apartment in Cole Harbour]
Enter at Cole Harbour, Hoard, [Courtesan as] the Widow, and Gentlemen [Lamprey and Spitchcock], he
married now.
[LAMPREY]
Join hearts, join hands,
In wedlock's bands,
Never to part
Till death cleave your heart;
You shall forsake all other women;
You lords, knights, gentlemen and yeomen.
What my tongue slips,
Make up with your lips.
HOARD
Give you joy, Mistress Hoard; let the kiss come about.
[Knocking]
Who knocks? Convey my little pigeater out.
LUCRE
[Within] Hoard!
HOARD
Upon my life, my adversary, gentlemen.
LUCRE
[Within] Hoard, open the door, or we will force it ope:
Give us the widow.
HOARD
Gentlemen, keep 'em out.
LAMPREY
He comes upon his death that enters here.
A Trick to Catch the Old One
IV.[i. An apartment in Cole Harbour] 46
Page No 49
LUCRE
[Within] My friends assist me.
HOARD
He has assistants, gentlemen.
LAMPREY
Tut, nor him, nor them, we in this action fear.
LUCRE
[Within] Shall I, in peace, speak one word with the widow?
COURTESAN
Husband and gentlemen, hear me but a word.
HOARD
Freely, sweet wife.
COURTESAN
Let him in peaceably;
You know we're sure from any act of his.
HOARD
Most true.
[COURTESAN]
You may stand by and smile at his old weakness;
Let me alone to answer him.
HOARD
Content,
'Twill be good mirth, i'faith; how think you, gentlemen?
LAMPREY
Good gullery!
HOARD
Upon calm conditions let him in.
LUCRE
[Within] All spite and malice
LAMPREY
Hear me, Master Lucre:
So you will vow a peaceful entrance
With those your friends, and only exercise
Calm conference with the widow, without fury,
The passage shall receive you.
LUCRE
A Trick to Catch the Old One
IV.[i. An apartment in Cole Harbour] 47
Page No 50
[Within] I do vow it.
LAMPREY
Then enter and talk freely, here she stands.
Enter Lucre[, Gentlemen and Host].
LUCRE
Oh, Master Hoard, your spite has watched the hour;
You're excellent at vengeance, Master Hoard.
HOARD
Ha, ha, ha!
LUCRE
I am the fool you laugh at:
You are wise, sir, and know the seasons well.
Come hither, widow: why is it thus?
Oh, you have done me infinite disgrace,
And your own credit no small injury!
Suffer mine enemy so despitefully
To bear you from my nephew! Oh, I had
Rather half my substance had been forfeit,
And begged by some starved rascal!
COURTESAN
Why, what would you wish me do, sir?
I must not overthrow my state for love:
We have too many precedents for that;
From thousands of our wealthy undone widows
One may derive some wit. I do confess,
I loved your nephew, nay, I did affect him,
Against the mind and liking of my friend[s];
Believed his promises, lay here in hope
Of flattered living, and the boast of lands:
Coming to touch his wealth and state indeed,
It appears dross; I find him not the man,
Imperfect, mean, scarce furnished of his needs;
In words, fair lordships, in performance, hovels:
Can any woman love the thing that is not?
LUCRE
Broke you for this?
COURTESAN
Was it not cause too much?
Send to enquire his state: most part of it
Lay two years mortgaged in his uncle's hands.
LUCRE
Why, say it did, you might have known my mind;
A Trick to Catch the Old One
IV.[i. An apartment in Cole Harbour] 48
Page No 51
I could have soon restored it.
COURTESAN
Ay, had I but seen any such thing performed,
Why, 'twould have tied my affection, and contained
Me in my first desires: do you think, i'faith,
That I could twine such a dry oak as this,
Had promise in your nephew took effect?
LUCRE
Why, and there's no time past; and rather than
My adversary should thus thwart my hopes,
I would
COURTESAN
Tut, y'ave been ever full of golden speech.
If words were lands, your nephew would be rich.
LUCRE
Widow, believe it, I vow by my best bliss,
Before these gentlemen, I will give in
The mortgage to my nephew instantly,
Before I sleep or eat.
FIRST GENTLEMAN
We'll pawn our credits,
Widow, what he speaks shall be performed
In fullness.
LUCRE
Nay, more: I will estate him
In farder blessings: he shall be my heir.
I have no son;
I'll bind myself to that condition.
COURTESAN
When I shall hear this done, I shall soon yield
To reasonable terms.
LUCRE
In the mean season,
Will you protest, before these gentlemen,
To keep yourself as you are now at this present?
COURTESAN
I do protest before these gentlemen,
I will be as clear then as I am now.
LUCRE
I do believe you. Here's your own honest servant,
I'll take him along with me.
A Trick to Catch the Old One
IV.[i. An apartment in Cole Harbour] 49
Page No 52
COURTESAN
Ay, with all my heart.
LUCRE
He shall see all performed and bring you word.
COURTESAN
That's all I wait for.
HOARD
What, have you finished, Master Lucre? Ha, ha, ha, ha!
LUCRE
So laugh, Hoard, laugh at your poor enemy, do;
The wind may turn, you may be laughed at too.
Yes, marry, may you, sir. Ha, ha, ha!
Exeunt [Lucre, Gentlemen, and Host].
HOARD
Ha, ha, ha! If every man that swells in malice
Could be revenged as happily as I,
He would choose hate and forswear amity.
What did he say, wife, prithee?
COURTESAN
Faith, spoke to ease his mind.
HOARD
Oh, oh, oh!
COURTESAN
You know now little to any purpose.
HOARD
True, true, true.
COURTESAN
He would do mountains now.
HOARD
Ay, ay, ay, ay.
LAMPREY
Y'ave struck him dead, Master Hoard.
SPITCHCOCK
Ay, and his nephew desperate.
HOARD
A Trick to Catch the Old One
IV.[i. An apartment in Cole Harbour] 50
Page No 53
I know't, sirs, ay.
Never did man so crush his enemy!
[IV.ii. A room in Lucre's house]
Enter Lucre with Gentlemen [and Host], meeting Sam Freedom.
LUCRE
My soninlaw, Sam Freedom! Where's my nephew?
SAM
O man in lamentation, father!
LUCRE
How?
SAM
He thumps his breast like a gallant dicer that has lost his doublet, and stands in's shirt to do penance.
LUCRE
Alas, poor gentleman.
SAM
I warrant you may hear him sigh in a still evening to your house at Highgate.
LUCRE
I prithee, send him in.
SAM
Were it to do a greater matter, I will not stick with you, sir, in regard you married my mother.
[Exit.]
LUCRE
Sweet gentlemen, cheer him up; I will but fetch the mortgage, and return to you instantly.
Exit.
FIRST GENTLEMAN
We'll do our best, sir.
[Enter Witgood.]
See where he comes,
E'en joyless and regardless of all form.
SECOND GENTLEMAN
Why, how, Master Witgood? Fie, you a firm scholar, and an understanding gentleman, and give your best
parts to passion?
FIRST GENTLEMAN
Come, fie!
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WITGOOD
Oh, gentlemen
FIRST GENTLEMAN
Sorrow of me, what a sigh was there, sir!
Nine such widows are not worth it.
WITGOOD
To be borne from me by that lecher, Hoard!
FIRST GENTLEMAN
That vengeance is your uncle's, being done
More in despite to him, than wrong to you.
But we bring comfort now.
WITGOOD
I beseech you, gentlemen
SECOND GENTLEMAN
Cheer thyself, man, there's hope of her, i'faith!
WITGOOD
Too gladsome to be true.
Enter Lucre.
LUCRE
Nephew, what cheer?
Alas, poor gentleman, how art thou changed!
Call thy fresh blood into thy cheeks again:
She comes
WITGOOD
Nothing afflicts me so much
But that it is your adversary, uncle,
And merely plotted in despite of you.
LUCRE
Ay, that's it mads me, spites me! I'll spend my wealth ere he shall carry her so, because I know 'tis only to
spite me. Ay, this is it. Here, nephew [gives him a paper], before these kind gentlemen I deliver in your
mortgage, my promise to the widow; see, 'tis done. Be wise, you're once more master of your own; the widow
shall perceive now you are not altogether such a beggar as the world reputes you: you can make shift to bring
her to three hundred a year, sir.
FIRST GENTLEMAN
Berlady, and that's no toy, sir.
LUCRE
A word, nephew.
FIRST GENTLEMAN
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[To Host] Now you may certify the widow.
LUCRE
You must conceive it aright, nephew, now;
To do you good I am content to do this.
WITGOOD
I know it, sir.
LUCRE
But your own conscience can tell I had it
Dearly enough of you.
WITGOOD
Ay, that's most certain.
LUCRE
Much money laid out, beside many a journey
To fetch the rent; I hope you'll think on't, nephew.
WITGOOD
I were worse than a beast else, i'faith.
LUCRE
Although to blind the widow and the world
I out of policy do't, yet there's a conscience, nephew.
WITGOOD
Heaven forbid else!
LUCRE
When you are full possessed,
'Tis nothing to return it.
WITGOOD
Alas, a thing quickly done, uncle.
LUCRE
Well said! You know I give it you but in trust.
WITGOOD
Pray let me understand you rightly, uncle:
You give it me but in trust?
LUCRE
No.
WITGOOD
That is, you trust me with it.
LUCRE
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True, true.
WITGOOD
[Aside] But if ever I trust you with it again, would I might be trussed up for my labour!
LUCRE
You can all witness, gentlemen, and you, sir yeoman?
HOST
My life for yours, sir, now I know my mistress's mind too well toward your nephew; let things be in
preparation and I'll train her hither in most excellent fashion.
Exit.
LUCRE
A good old boy. Wife, [Jinny]!
Enter Wife.
WIFE
What's the news, sir?
LUCRE
The wedding day's at hand: prithee, sweet wife, express thy housewifery; thou'rt a fine cook, I know't; thy
first husband married thee out of an alderman's kitchen; go to, he raised thee for raising of paste. What!
Here's none but friends; most of our beginnings must be winked at. Gentlemen, I invite you all to my
nephew's wedding against Thursday morning.
FIRST GENTLEMAN
With all our hearts, and we shall joy to see
Your enemy so mocked.
LUCRE
He laughed at me,
Gentleman; ha, ha, ha!
Exeunt [all but Witgood].
WITGOOD
He had no conscience, faith,
Would laugh at them; they laugh at one another!
Who then can be so cruel? Troth, not I;
I rather pity now than aught envy.
I do conceive such joy in mine own happiness,
I have no leisure yet to laugh at their follies.
Thou soul of my estate I kiss thee,
I miss life's comfort when I miss thee.
Oh, never will we part again,
Until I leave the sight of men.
We'll ne'er trust conscience of own kin,
Since cozenage brings that title in.
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[Exit.]
[IV.iii. A street in London]
Enter three Creditors.
FIRST CREDITOR
I'll wait these seven hours but I'll see him caught.
SECOND CREDITOR
Faith, so will I.
THIRD CREDITOR
Hang him, prodigal, he's stripped of the widow.
FIRST CREDITOR
A' my troth, she's the wiser; she has made the happier choice; and I wonder of what stuff those widows' hearts
are made of, that will marry unfledged boys before comely thrumchinned gentlemen.
Enter a Boy.
BOY
News, news, news!
FIRST CREDITOR
What, boy?
BOY
The rioter is caught.
FIRST CREDITOR
So, so, so, so! It warms me at the heart; I love a' life to see dogs upon men. Oh, here he comes.
Enter Witgood with Sergeants.
WITGOOD
My last joy was so great it took away the sense of future afflictions. What a day is here o'ercast! How soon a
black tempest rises!
FIRST CREDITOR
Oh, we may speak with you now, sir! What's become of your rich widow? I think you may cast your cap at
the widow, may you not, sir?
SECOND CREDITOR
He a rich widow? Who, a prodigal, a daily rioter, and a nightly vomiter? He a widow of account? He a hole i'
th' Counter!
WITGOOD
You do well, my masters, to tyrannize over misery, to afflict the afflicted; 'tis a custom you have here
amongst you; I would wish you never leave it, and I hope you'll do as I bid you.
FIRST CREDITOR
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Come, come, sir, what say you extempore now to your bill of a hundred pound? A sweet debt, for frotting
your doublets.
SECOND CREDITOR
Here's mine of forty.
THIRD CREDITOR
Here's mine of fifty.
WITGOOD
Pray, sirs, you'll give me breath?
FIRST CREDITOR
No, sir, we'll keep you out of breath still; then we shall be sure you will not run away from us.
WITGOOD
Will you but hear me speak?
SECOND CREDITOR
You shall pardon us for that, sir; we know you have too fair a tongue of your own: you overcame us too
lately, a shame take you! We are like to lose all that for want of witnesses; we dealt in policy then: always
when we strive to be most politic we proved most coxcombs; non plus ultra. I perceive by us we're not
ordained to thrive by wisdom, and therefore we must be content to be tradesmen.
WITGOOD
Give me but reasonable time, and I protest I'll make you ample satisfaction.
FIRST CREDITOR
Do you talk of reasonable time to us?
WITGOOD
'Tis true, beasts know no reasonable time.
SECOND CREDITOR
We must have either money or carcass.
WITGOOD
Alas, what good will my carcass do you?
THIRD CREDITOR
Oh, 'tis a secret delight we have amongst us! We that are used to keep birds in cages, have the heart to keep
men in prison, I warrant you.
WITGOOD
[Aside] I perceive I must crave a little more aid from my wits: do but make shift for me this once, and I'll
forswear ever to trouble you in the like fashion hereafter; I'll have better employment for you, an I
live.You'll give me leave, my masters, to make trial of my friends and raise all means I can?
FIRST CREDITOR
That's our desires, sir.
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Enter Host.
HOST
Master Witgood.
WITGOOD
Oh, art thou come?
HOST
May I speak one word with you in private, sir?
WITGOOD
No, by my faith, canst thou; I am in hell here, and the devils will not let me come to thee.
[FIRST CREDITOR]
Do you call us devils? You shall find us Puritans.
[SECOND CREDITOR]
Bear him away; let 'em talk as they go; we'll not stand to hear 'em.
[THIRD CREDITOR]
Ah, sir, am I a devil? I shall think the better of myself as long as I live: a devil, i'faith!
Exeunt.
[IV.iv. A room in Hoard's house]
Enter Hoard.
HOARD
What a sweet blessing hast thou, Master Hoard, above a multitude! Wilt thou never be thankful? How dost
thou think to be blest another time? Or dost thou count this the full measure of thy happiness? By my troth, I
think thou dost: not only a wife large in possessions, but spacious in content: she's rich, she's young, she's
fair, she's [wise]; when I wake, I think of her landsthat revives me; when I go to bed, I dream of her
beautyand that's enough for me; she's worth four hundred a year in her very smock, if a man knew how to
use it. But the journey will be all, in troth, into the country; to ride to her lands in state and order following
my brother and other worshipful gentlemen, whose companies I ha' sent down for already, to ride along with
us in their goodly decorum beards, their broad velvet cassocks, and chains of gold twice or thrice double;
against which time I'll entertain some ten men of mine own into liveries, all of occupations or qualities: I will
not keep an idle man about me; the sight of which will so vex my adversary Lucrefor we'll pass by his
door of purpose, make a little stand for [the] nonce, and have our horses curvet before [the]
windowcertainly he will never endure it, but run up and hang himself presently!
[Enter Arthur.]
How now, sirrah, what news? Any that offer their service to me yet?
[ARTHUR]
Yes, sir, there are some i' th' hall that wait for your worship's liking, and desire to be entertained.
HOARD
Are they of occupation?
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[ARTHUR]
They are men fit for your worship, sir.
HOARD
Say'st so? Send 'em all in!
[Exit Arthur.]
To see ten men ride after me in watchet liveries, with orangetawny capes, 'twill cut his comb, i'faith.
Enter all [Tailor, Barber, Perfumer, Falconer, and Huntsman].
How now? Of what occupation are you, sir?
TAILOR
A tailor, an't please your worship.
HOARD
A tailor? Oh, very good: you shall serve to make all the liveries. What are you, sir?
BARBER
A barber, sir.
HOARD
A barber? Very needful: you shall shave all the house, and, if need require, stand for a reaper i' th' summer
time. You, sir?
PERFUMER
A perfumer.
HOARD
I smelt you before. Perfumers, of all men, had need carry themselves uprightly, for if they were once knaves
they would be smelt out quickly. To you, sir?
FALCONER
A falconer, an't please your worship.
HOARD
Sa ho, sa ho, sa ho! And you, sir?
HUNTSMAN
A huntsman, sir.
HOARD
There, boy, there, boy, there, boy! I am not so old but I have pleasant days to come. I promise you, my
masters, I take such a good liking to you, that I entertain you all; I put you already into my countenance, and
you shall be shortly in my livery; but especially you two, my jolly falconer and my bonny huntsman, we shall
have most need of you at my wife's manor houses i' th' country; there's goodly parks and champion grounds
for you; we shall have all our sports within ourselves; all the gentlemen o' th' country shall be beholding to us
and our pastimes.
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FALCONER
And we'll make you[r] worship admire, sir.
HOARD
Say'st thou so? Do but make me admire, and thou shalt want for nothing. My tailor!
TAILOR
Anon, sir.
HOARD
Go presently in hand with the liveries.
TAILOR
I will, sir.
HOARD
My barber.
BARBER
Here, sir.
HOARD
Make 'em all trim fellows, louse 'em wellespecially my huntsmanand cut all their beards of the Polonian
fashion. My perfumer.
PERFUMER
Under your nose, sir.
HOARD
Cast a better savour upon the knaves, to take away the scent of my tailor's feet, and my barber's
lotiumwater.
PERFUMER
It shall be carefully performed, sir.
HOARD
But you, my falconer and huntsman, the welcom'st men alive, i'faith!
HUNTSMAN
And we'll show you that, sir, shall deserve your worship's favour.
HOARD
I prithee, show me that. Go, you knaves all, and wash your lungs i' th' buttery, go.
[Exeunt Tailor, Barber, Perfumer, Falconer, and Huntsman.]
By th' mass, and well remembered, I'll ask my wife that question. Wife, Mistress Jane Hoard!
Enter Courtesan, altered in apparel.
COURTESAN
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Sir, would you with me?
HOARD
I would but know, sweet wife, which might stand best to thy liking, to have the wedding dinner kept here or i'
th' country?
COURTESAN
Hum! Faith, sir, 'twould like me better here; here you were married, here let all rites be ended.
HOARD
Could a marquess give a better answer? Hoard, bear thy head aloft, thou'st a wife will advance it.
[Enter Host with a letter.]
What haste comes here now? [Yea], a letter? Some dreg of my adversary's malice. Come hither; what's the
news?
HOST
A thing that concerns my mistress, sir. [Gives letter to Courtesan.]
HOARD
Why then it concerns me, knave!
HOST
Ay, and you, knave, too (cry your worship mercy): you are both like to come into trouble, I promise you, sir:
a precontract.
HOARD
How? A precontract, say'st thou?
HOST
I fear they have too much proof on't, sir. Old Lucre, he runs mad up and down, and will to law as fast as he
can; young Witgood laid hold on by his creditors, he exclaims upon you a't'other side, says you have wrought
his undoing by the injurious detaining of his contract.
HOARD
Body a' me!
HOST
He will have utmost satisfaction;
The law shall give him recompense, he says.
COURTESAN
[Aside] Alas, his creditors so merciless! My state being yet uncertain, I deem it not unconscionable to furder
him.
HOST
True, sir
HOARD
Wife, what says that letter? Let me construe it.
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COURTESAN
Curst be my rash and unadvised words! [Tears and treads on letter.]
I'll set my foot upon my tongue,
And tread my inconsiderate grant to dust.
HOARD
Wife
HOST
[Aside] A pretty shift, i'faith! I commend a woman when she can make away a letter from her husband
handsomely, and this was cleanly done, by my troth.
COURTESAN
I did, sir!
Some foolish words I must confess did pass,
Which now litigiously he fastens on me.
HOARD
Of what force? Let me examine 'em.
COURTESAN
Too strong, I fear: would I were well freed of him!
HOARD
Shall I compound?
COURTESAN
No, sir, I'd have it done some nobler way
Of your side; I'd have you come off with honour;
Let baseness keep with them. Why, have you not
The means, sir? The occasion's offered you.
HOARD
Where? How, dear wife?
COURTESAN
He is now caught by his creditors; the slave's needy, his debts petty; he'll rather bind himself to all
inconveniences than rot in prison; by this only means you may get a release from him. 'Tis not yet come to
his uncle's hearing; send speedily for the creditors; by this time he's desperate, he'll set his hand to anything:
take order for his debts, or discharge 'em quite: a pax on him, let's be rid of a rascal!
HOARD
Excellent!
Thou dost astonish me. [To Host] Go, run, make haste;
Bring both the creditors and Witgood hither.
HOST
[Aside] This will be some revenge yet.
[Exit.]
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HOARD
In the mean space I'll have a release drawn. Within there!
[Enter Arthur.]
[ARTHUR]
Sir?
HOARD
Sirrah, come take directions; go to my scrivener.
COURTESAN
[Aside] I'm yet like those whose riches lie in dreams;
If I be waked, they're false; such is my fate,
Who ventures deeper than the desperate state.
Though I have sinned, yet could I become new,
For, where I once vow, I am ever true.
HOARD
Away, dispatch; on my displeasure, quickly.
[Exit Arthur.]
Happy occasion! Pray heaven he be in the right vein now to set his hand to't, that nothing alter him; grant that
all his follies may meet in him at once, to besot him enough! I pray for him, i'faith, and here he comes.
[Enter Witgood and Creditors.]
WITGOOD
What would you with me now, my uncle's spiteful adversary?
HOARD
Nay, I am friends.
WITGOOD
Ay, when your mischief's spent.
HOARD
I heard you were arrested.
WITGOOD
Well, what then?
You will pay none of my debts, I am sure.
HOARD
A wise man cannot tell;
There may be those conditions 'greed upon
May move me to do much.
WITGOOD
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Ay, when?
[To Courtesan] 'Tis thou, perjured womanoh, no name
Is vild enough to match thy treachery!
That art the cause of my confusion.
COURTESAN
Out, you penurious slave!
HOARD
Nay, wife, you are too froward;
Let him alone; give losers leave to talk.
WITGOOD
Shall I remember thee of another promise
Far stronger than the first?
COURTESAN
I'd fain know that.
WITGOOD
'Twould call shame to thy cheeks.
COURTESAN
Shame!
WITGOOD
Hark in your ear.
[Takes Courtesan aside] Will he come off, think'st thou, and pay my debts roundly?
COURTESAN
Doubt nothing; there's a release adrawing and all, to which you must set your hand.
WITGOOD
Excellent!
COURTESAN
But methinks, i'faith, you might have made some shift to discharge this yourself, having in the mortgage, and
never have burdened my conscience with it.
WITGOOD
A' my troth, I could not, for my creditors' cruelties extend to the present.
COURTESAN
No more.
Why, do your worst for that, I defy you.
WITGOOD
Y'are impudent: I'll call up witnesses.
COURTESAN
Call up thy wits, for thou hast been devoted
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To follies a long time.
HOARD
Wife, y'are too bitter.
Master Witgood, and you, my masters, you shall hear a mild speech come from me now, and this it is: 't 'as
been my fortune, gentlemen, to have an extraordinary blessing poured upon me a'late, and here she stands; I
have wedded her and bedded her, and yet she is little the worse. Some foolish words she hath passed to you in
the country, and some peevish debts you owe here in the city; set the hare's head to the goosegiblet: release
you her of her words, and I'll release you of your debts, sir.
WITGOOD
Would you so? I thank you for that, sir; I cannot blame you, i'faith.
HOARD
Why, are not debts better than words, sir?
WITGOOD
Are not words promises, and are not promises debts, sir?
HOARD
He plays at backracket with me.
FIRST CREDITOR
Come hither, Master Witgood, come hither; be ruled by fools once.
[The Creditors take Witgood aside.]
SECOND CREDITOR
We are citizens, and know what belong to't.
FIRST CREDITOR
Take hold his offer; pax on her, let her go. If your debts were once discharged, I would help you to a widow
myself worth ten of her.
THIRD CREDITOR
Mass, partner, and now you remember me on't, there's Master Mulligrub's sister newly fallen a widow.
FIRST CREDITOR
Cuds me, as pat as can be! There's a widow left for you, ten thousand in money, beside plate, jewels, et
cetera; I warrant it a match; we can do all in all with her. Prithee dispatch; we'll carry thee to her presently.
WITGOOD
My uncle will never endure me, when he shall hear I set my hand to a release.
SECOND CREDITOR
Hark, I'll tell thee a trick for that. I have spent five hundred pound in suits in my time; I should be wise.
Thou'rt now a prisoner; make a release; take't of my word, whatsoever a man makes as long as he is in
durance, 'tis nothing in law, not thus much. [Snaps his fingers.]
WITGOOD
Say you so, sir?
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THIRD CREDITOR
I have paid for't, I know't.
WITGOOD
Proceed then, I consent.
THIRD CREDITOR
Why, well said.
HOARD
How now, my masters; what, have you done with him?
FIRST CREDITOR
With much ado, sir, we have got him to consent.
HOARD
Ahaa! And what came his debts to now?
FIRST CREDITOR
Some eight score odd pounds, sir.
HOARD
Naw, naw, naw, naw, naw! Tell me the second time; give me a lighter sum. They are but desperate debts, you
know, never called in but upon such an accident; a poor, needy knave, he would starve and rot in prison.
Come, come, you shall have ten shillings in the pound, and the sum down roundly.
FIRST CREDITOR
You must make it a mark, sir.
HOARD
Go to, then; tell your money in the mean time; you shall find little less there. Come, Master Witgood, you are
so unwilling to do yourself good now.
[Enter Scrivener.]
Welcome, honest scrivener. Now you shall hear the release read.
SCRIVENER
[Reading] Be it known to all men by these presents, that I, Theodorus Witgood, gentleman, sole nephew to
Pecunius Lucre, having unjustly made title and claim to one Jane Medler, late widow of Anthony Medler, and
now wife to Walkadine Hoard, in consideration of a competent sum of money to discharge my debts, do
forever hereafter disclaim any title, right, estate, or interest in or to the said widow, late in the occupation of
the said Anthony Medler, and now in the occupation of Walkadine Hoard; as also neither to lay claim by
virtue of any former contract, grant, promise, or demise, to any of her [manors], manor houses, parks, groves,
meadowgrounds, arable lands, barns, stacks, stables, doveholes, and coneyburrows; together with all her
cattle, money, plate, jewels, borders, chains, bracelets, furnitures, hangings, moveables, or [immoveables]. In
witness whereof I, the said Theodorus Witgood, have interchangeably set to my hand and seal before these
presents, the day and date above written.
WITGOOD
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What a precious fortune hast thou slipped here, like a beast as thou art!
HOARD
Come, unwilling heart, come.
WITGOOD
Well, Master Hoard, give me the pen; I see
'Tis vain to quarrel with our destiny. [Signs.]
HOARD
Oh, as vain a thing as can be; you cannot commit a greater absurdity, sir. So, so; give me that hand now:
before all these presents, I am friends forever with thee.
WITGOOD
Troth, and it were pity of my heart now, if I should bear you any grudge, i'faith.
HOARD
Content. I'll send for thy uncle against the wedding dinner; we will be friends once again.
WITGOOD
I hope to bring it to pass myself, sir.
HOARD
How now? Is't right, my masters?
FIRST CREDITOR
'Tis something wanting, sir; yet it shall be sufficient.
HOARD
Why, well said; a good conscience makes a fine show nowadays. Come, my masters, you shall all taste of my
wine ere you depart.
ALL
We follow you, sir.
[Exeunt Hoard, Courtesan and Scrivener.]
WITGOOD
[Aside] I'll try these fellows now.A word, sir; what, will you carry me to that rich widow now?
FIRST CREDITOR
Why, do you think we were in earnest, i'faith? Carry you to a rich widow? We should get much credit by that:
a noted rioter! A contemptible prodigal! 'Twas a trick we have amongst us to get in our money. Fare you
well, sir.
Exeunt [Creditors].
WITGOOD
Farewell, and be hanged, you short pighaired, ramheaded rascals! He that believes in you shall never be
saved, I warrant him. By this new league I shall have some access unto my love.
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She is above.
NIECE
Master Witgood!
WITGOOD
My life!
NIECE
Meet me presently; that note directs you [throwing him a note]; I would not be suspected. Our happiness
attends us. Farewell!
WITGOOD
A word's enough.
Exeunt.
[IV.v. Dampit's bedroom]
Dampit, the usurer, in his bed; Audrey spinning by [and Boy].
Song.
[AUDREY:] Let the usurer cram him, in interest that excel,
There's pits enow to damn him, before he comes to hell;
In Holborn some, in Fleet Street some,
Where'er he come, there's some, there's some.
DAMPIT
Trahe, traheto, draw the curtain, give me a sip of sack more.
Enter Gentlemen [Lamprey and Spitchcock].
LAMPREY
Look you, did not I tell you he lay like the devil in chains, when he was bound for a thousand more?
SPITCHCOCK
But I think the devil had no steel bedstaffs; he goes beyond him for that.
LAMPREY
Nay, do but mark the conceit of his drinking; one must wipe his mouth for him with a muckinder, do you see,
sir?
SPITCHCOCK
Is this the sick trampler? Why, he is only bedrid with drinking.
LAMPREY
True, sir. He spies us.
DAMPIT
What, Sir Tristram? You come and see a weak man here, a very weak man.
LAMPREY
If you be weak in body, you should be strong in prayer, sir.
DAMPIT
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Page No 70
Oh, I have prayed too much, poor man.
LAMPREY
There's a taste of his soul for you.
SPITCHCOCK
Fah, loathsome!
LAMPREY
I come to borrow a hundred pound of you, sir.
DAMPIT
Alas, you come at an ill time: I cannot spare it, i'faith; I ha' but two thousand i' th' house.
AUDREY
Ha, ha, ha!
DAMPIT
Out, you gernative quean, the mullipood of villainy, the spinner of concupiscency!
Enter other Gentleman [Sir Lancelot].
LANCELOT
[Yea], gentlemen, are you here before us? How is he now?
LAMPREY
Faith, the same man still: the tavern bitch has bit him i' th' head.
LANCELOT
We shall have the better sport with him; peace! And how cheers Master Dampit now?
DAMPIT
Oh, my bosom Sir Lancelot, how cheer I! Thy presence is restorative.
LANCELOT
But I hear a great complaint of you, Master Dampit, among gallants.
DAMPIT
I am glad of that, i'faith; prithee, what?
LANCELOT
They say you are waxed proud a'late, and if a friend visit you in the afternoon, you'll scarce know him.
DAMPIT
Fie, fie! Proud? I cannot remember any such thing; sure I was drunk then.
LANCELOT
Think you so, sir?
DAMPIT
There 'twas, i'faith, nothing but the pride of the sack, and so certify 'em. [To Boy] Fetch sack, sirrah!
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Page No 71
BOY
A vengeance sack you once!
[Exit, returning in time with the sack.]
AUDREY
Why, Master Dampit, if you hold on as you begin, and lie a little longer, you need not take care how to
dispose your wealth; you'll make the vintner your heir.
DAMPIT
Out, you babliaminy, you unfeathered, cremitoried quean, you cullisance of scabiosity!
AUDREY
Good words, Master Dampit, to speak before a maid and a virgin.
DAMPIT
Hang thy virginity upon the pole of carnality!
AUDREY
Sweet terms! My mistress shall know 'em.
LAMPREY
Note but the misery of this usuring slave: here he lies, like a noisome dunghill, full of the poison of his
drunken blasphemies, and they to whom he bequeaths all grudge him the very meat that feeds him, the very
pillow that eases him. Here may a usurer behold his end. What profits it to be a slave in this world, and a
devil i' th' next?
DAMPIT
Sir Lancelot, let me buss thee, Sir Lancelot; thou art the only friend that I honour and respect.
LANCELOT
I thank you for that, Master Dampit.
DAMPIT
Farewell, my bosom Sir Lancelot.
LANCELOT
[Takes Lamprey and Spitchcock aside] Gentlemen, an you love me, let me step behind you, and one of you
fall atalking of me to him.
LAMPREY
Content.Master Dampit.
DAMPIT
So, sir.
LAMPREY
Here came Sir Lancelot to see you e'en now.
DAMPIT
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Page No 72
Hang him, rascal!
LAMPREY
Who, Sir Lancelot?
DAMPIT
Pythagorical rascal!
LAMPREY
Pythagorical?
DAMPIT
Ay, he changes his cloak when he meets a sergeant.
LANCELOT
[Aside] What a rogue's this!
LAMPREY
I wonder you can rail at him, sir; he comes in love to see you.
DAMPIT
A louse for his love! His father was a combmaker; I have no need of his crawling love. He comes to have
longer day, the superlative rascal!
LANCELOT
[Aside] 'Sfoot, I can no longer endure the rogue!Master Dampit, I come to take my leave once again, sir.
DAMPIT
Who? My dear and kind Sir Lancelot, the only gentleman of England? Let me hug thee; farewell, and a
thousand.
[Lancelot takes Lamprey and Spitchcock aside.]
LAMPREY
Composed of wrongs and slavish flatteries!
LANCELOT
Nay, gentlemen, he shall show you more tricks yet; I'll give you another taste of him.
LAMPREY
Is't possible?
LANCELOT
His memory is upon departing.
DAMPIT
Another cup of sack!
LANCELOT
Mass, then 'twill be quite gone! Before he drink that, tell him there's a country client come up, and here
attends for his learned advice.
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Page No 73
LAMPREY
Enough.
DAMPIT
One cup more, and then let the bell toll; I hope I shall be weak enough by that time.
LAMPREY
Master Dampit.
DAMPIT
Is the sack spouting?
LAMPREY
'Tis coming forward, sir. Here's a countryman, a client of yours, waits for your deep and profound advice, sir.
DAMPIT
A coxcombry? Where is he? Let him approach; set me up a peg higher.
LAMPREY
You must draw near, sir.
DAMPIT
Now, good man fooliaminy, what say you to me now?
LANCELOT
Please your good worship, I am a poor man, sir
DAMPIT
What make you in my chamber then?
LANCELOT
I would entreat your worship's device in a just and honest cause, sir.
DAMPIT
I meddle with no such matters; I refer 'em to Master Noman's office.
LANCELOT
I had but one house left me in all the world, sir, which was my father's, my grandfather's, my
greatgrandfather's; and now a villain has unjustly wrung me out, and took possession on't.
DAMPIT
Has he such feats? Thy best course is to bring thy ejectione [firmae], and in seven year thou may'st shove him
out by the law.
LANCELOT
Alas, an't please your worship, I have small friends and less money.
DAMPIT
Hoyday! This gear will fadge well. Hast no money? Why, then, my advice is thou must set fire o' th' house
and so get him out.
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Page No 74
LAMPREY
That will break strife, indeed.
LANCELOT
I thank your worship for your hot counsel, sir. [To Lamprey and Spitchcock] Altering but my voice a little,
you see he knew me not; you may observe by this that a drunkard's memory holds longer in the voice than in
the person. But, gentlemen, shall I show you a sight? Behold the little divedapper of damnation, Gulf the
usurer, for his time worse than t'other.
Enter Hoard with Gulf.
LAMPREY
What's he comes with him?
LANCELOT
Why, Hoard, that married lately the Widow Medler.
LAMPREY
Oh, I cry you mercy, sir.
HOARD
Now, gentlemen visitants, how does Master Dampit?
LANCELOT
Faith, here he lies e'en drawing in, sir, good canary as fast as he can, sir; a very weak creature, truly, he is
almost past memory.
HOARD
Fie, Master Dampit! You lie lazing abed here, and I come to invite you to my wedding dinner; up, up, up!
DAMPIT
Who's this? Master Hoard? Who hast thou married, in the name of foolery?
HOARD
A rich widow.
DAMPIT
A Dutch widow?
HOARD
A rich widow; one Widow Medler.
DAMPIT
Medler? She keeps open house.
HOARD
She did, I can tell you, in her tother husband's days; open house for all comers; horse and man was welcome,
and room enough for 'em all.
DAMPIT
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Page No 75
There's too much for thee, then; thou may'st let out some to thy neighbours.
GULF
What, hung alive in chains? O spectacle! Bedstaffs of steel? O monstrum horrendum, informe, ingens, cui
lumen ademptum! O Dampit, Dampit, here's a just judgment shown upon usury, extortion, and trampling
villainy!
LANCELOT
[This is excellent], thief rails upon the thief!
GULF
Is this the end of cutthroat usury, brothel, and blasphemy? Now may'st thou see what race a usurer runs.
DAMPIT
Why, thou rogue of universality, do not I know thee? Thy sound is like the cuckoo, the Welsh ambassador;
thou cowardly slave, that offers to fight with a sick man when his weapon's down! Rail upon me in my naked
bed? Why, thou great Lucifer's little vicar, I am not so weak but I know a knave at first sight. Thou
inconscionable rascal! Thou that goest upon Middlesex juries, and will make haste to give up thy verdict,
because thou wilt not lose thy dinner, are you answered?
GULF
An't were not for shame
Draws his dagger.
DAMPIT
Thou wouldst be hanged then.
LAMPREY
Nay, you must exercise patience, Master Gulf, always, in a sick man's chamber.
LANCELOT
He'll quarrel with none, I warrant you, but those that are bedrid.
DAMPIT
Let him come, gentlemen, I am armed; reach my closestool hither.
LANCELOT
Here will be a sweet fray anon; I'll leave you, gentlemen.
LAMPREY
Nay, we'll along with you. Master Gulf
GULF
Hang him, usuring rascal!
LANCELOT
Push, set your strength to his, your wit to his.
AUDREY
Pray, gentlemen, depart; his hour's come upon him. [To Dampit] Sleep in my bosom, sleep.
A Trick to Catch the Old One
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Page No 76
LANCELOT
Nay, we have enough of him, i'faith;
Keep him for the house. Now make your best.
For thrice his wealth I would not have his breast.
GULF
A little thing would make me beat him, now he's asleep.
LANCELOT
Mass, then 'twill be a pitiful day when he wakes. I would be loath to see that day come.
[GULF]
You overrule me, gentlemen, i'faith.
Exeunt.
V.[i. A room in Lucre's house]
Enter Lucre and Witgood.
WITGOOD
Nay, uncle, let me prevail with you so much;
I'faith, go, now he has invited you.
LUCRE
I shall have great joy there when he has borne away the widow.
WITGOOD
Why, la, I thought where I should find you presently; uncle, a' my troth, 'tis nothing so.
LUCRE
What's nothing so, sir? Is not he married to the widow?
WITGOOD
No, by my troth, is he not, uncle.
LUCRE
How?
WITGOOD
Will you have the truth on't? He is married to a whore, i'faith.
LUCRE
I should laugh at that.
WITGOOD
Uncle, let me perish in your favour if you find it not so, and that 'tis I that have married the honest woman.
LUCRE
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Page No 77
Ha! I'd walk ten mile a' foot to see that, i'faith.
WITGOOD
And see't you shall, or I'll never see you again.
LUCRE
A quean, i'faith? Ha, ha, ha!
Exeunt.
[V.ii. A room in Hoard's house]
Enter Hoard, tasting wine, the Host following in a livery cloak.
HOARD
Pup, pup, pup, pup! I like not this wine. Is there never a better tierce in the house?
HOST
Yes, sir, there are as good tierce in the house as any are in England.
HOARD
Desire your mistress, you knave, to taste 'em all over; she has better skill.
HOST
[Aside] Has she so? The better for her, and the worse for you.
Exit.
HOARD
Arthur!
[Enter Arthur.]
Is the cupboard of plate set out?
ARTHUR
All's in order, sir.
[Exit.]
HOARD
I am in love with my liveries every time I think on 'em; they make a gallant show, by my troth. Niece!
[Enter Niece.]
NIECE
Do you call, sir?
HOARD
Prithee, show a little diligence, and overlook the knaves a little; they'll filch and steal today, and send whole
pasties home to their wives; an thou beest a good niece, do not see me purloined.
NIECE
A Trick to Catch the Old One
V.[i. A room in Lucre's house] 75
Page No 78
Fear it not, sir. [Aside] I have cause: though the feast be prepared for you, yet it serves fit for my wedding
dinner too.
[Exit.] Enter two Gentlemen [Lamprey and Spitchcock].
HOARD
Master Lamprey and Master Spitchcock, two the most welcome gentlemen alive! Your fathers and mine were
all free o' th' fishmongers.
LAMPREY
They were indeed, sir. You see bold guests, sir, soon entreated.
HOARD
And that's best, sir.
[Enter Arthur.]
How now, sirrah?
[ARTHUR]
There's a coach come to th' door, sir.
[Exit.]
HOARD
My Lady Foxstone, a' my life! Mistress Jane Hoard, wife! Mass, 'tis her Ladyship indeed!
[Enter Lady Foxstone.]
Madam, you are welcome to an unfurnished house, dearth of cheer, scarcity of attendance.
LADY FOXSTONE
You are pleased to make the worst, sir.
HOARD
Wife!
[Enter Courtesan.]
LADY FOXSTONE
Is this your bride?
HOARD
Yes, madam. [To Courtesan] Salute my Lady [Foxstone].
COURTESAN
Please you, madam, a while to taste the air in the garden?
LADY FOXSTONE
'Twill please us well.
A Trick to Catch the Old One
V.[i. A room in Lucre's house] 76
Page No 79
Exeunt [Courtesan and Lady Foxstone].
HOARD
Who would not wed? The most delicious life!
No joys are like the comforts of a wife.
LAMPREY
So we bachelors think, that are not troubled with them.
[Enter Arthur.]
[ARTHUR]
Your worship's brother with another ancient gentleman are newly alighted, sir.
[Exit.]
HOARD
Master Onesiphorus Hoard? Why, now our company begins to come in.
[Enter Onesiphorus Hoard, Limber and Kix.]
My dear and kind brother, welcome, i'faith.
ONESIPHORUS
You see we are men at an hour, brother.
HOARD
Ay, I'll say that for you, brother; you keep as good an hour to come to a feast as any gentleman in the shire.
What, old Master Limber and Master Kix! Do we meet, i'faith, jolly gentlemen?
LIMBER
We hope you lack guests, sir?
HOARD
Oh, welcome, welcome! We lack still such guests as your worships.
ONESIPHORUS
Ah, sirrah brother, have you catched up Widow Medler?
HOARD
From 'em all, brother; and I may tell you, I had mighty enemies, those that stuck sore; old Lucre is a sore fox,
I can tell you, brother.
ONESIPHORUS
Where is she? I'll go seek her out; I long to have a smack at her lips.
HOARD
And most wishfully, brother, see where she comes.
[Enter Courtesan and Lady Foxstone.]
A Trick to Catch the Old One
V.[i. A room in Lucre's house] 77
Page No 80
Give her a [smack] now we may hear it all the house over.
Both [Courtesan and Onesiphorus] turn back.
COURTESAN
[Aside] Oh, heaven, I am betrayed! I know that face.
HOARD
Ha, ha, ha! Why, how now? Are you both ashamed? Come, gentlemen, we'll look another way.
ONESIPHORUS
Nay, brother, hark you: come, y'are disposed to be merry?
HOARD
Why do we meet else, man?
ONESIPHORUS
That's another matter; I was never so 'fraid in my life but that you had been in earnest.
HOARD
How mean you, brother?
ONESIPHORUS
You said she was your wife?
HOARD
Did I so? By my troth, and so she is.
ONESIPHORUS
By your troth, brother?
HOARD
What reason have I to dissemble with my friends, brother? If marriage can make her mine, she is mine! Why?
ONESIPHORUS
Troth, I am not well of a sudden. I must crave pardon, brother; I came to see you but I cannot stay dinner,
i'faith.
HOARD
I hope you will not serve me so, brother.
LIMBER
By your leave, Master Hoard
HOARD
What now? What now? Pray, gentlemen, you were wont to show yourselves wise men.
LIMBER
But you have shown your folly too much here.
HOARD
A Trick to Catch the Old One
V.[i. A room in Lucre's house] 78
Page No 81
How?
KIX
Fie, fie! A man of your repute and name!
You'll feast your friends, but cloy 'em first with shame.
HOARD
This grows too deep; pray, let us reach the sense.
LIMBER
In your old age dote on a courtesan
HOARD
Ha?
KIX
Marry a strumpet!
HOARD
Gentlemen!
ONESIPHORUS
And Witgood's quean!
HOARD
Oh! Nor lands, nor living?
ONESIPHORUS
Living!
HOARD
[To Courtesan] Speak!
COURTESAN
Alas, you know at first, sir,
I told you I had nothing.
HOARD
Out, out! I am cheated; infinitely cozened!
LIMBER
Nay, Master Hoard
Enter Witgood and Lucre.
HOARD
A Dutch widow, a Dutch widow, a Dutch widow!
LUCRE
Why, nephew, shall I trace thee still a liar?
Wilt make me mad? Is not yon thing the widow?
A Trick to Catch the Old One
V.[i. A room in Lucre's house] 79
Page No 82
WITGOOD
Why, la, you are so hard a' belief, uncle!
By my troth, she's a whore.
LUCRE
Then thou'rt a knave.
WITGOOD
Negatur argumentum, uncle.
LUCRE
Probo tibi, nephew: he that knows a woman to be a quean must needs be a knave; thou say'st thou know'st her
to be one; ergo, if she be a quean, thou'rt a knave.
WITGOOD
Negatur sequela majoris, uncle, he that knows a woman to be a quean must needs be a knave; I deny that.
HOARD
Lucre and Witgood, y'are both villains; get you out of my house!
LUCRE
Why, didst not invite me to thy wedding dinner?
WITGOOD
And are not you and I sworn perpetual friends before witness, sir, and were both drunk upon't?
HOARD
Daintily abused! Y'ave put a junt upon me!
LUCRE
Ha, ha, ha!
HOARD
A common strumpet!
WITGOOD
Nay, now
You wrong her, sir; if I were she, I'd have
The law on you for that; I durst depose for her
She ne'er had common use, nor common thought.
COURTESAN
Despise me, publish me: I am your wife;
What shame can I have now but you'll have part?
If in disgrace you share, I sought not you;
You pursued me, nay, forced me;
Had I friends would follow it,
Less than your action has been proved a rape.
ONESIPHORUS
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V.[i. A room in Lucre's house] 80
Page No 83
Brother!
COURTESAN
Nor did I ever boast of lands unto you,
Money, or goods; I took a plainer course
And told you true I'd nothing.
If error were committed, 'twas by you;
Thank your own folly. Nor has my sin been
So odious but worse has been forgiven;
Nor am I so deformed but I may challenge
The utmost power of any old man's love.
She that tastes not sin before, twenty to one but she'll taste it after; most of you old men are content to marry
young virgins, and take that which follows; where, marrying one of us, you both save a sinner, and are quit
from a cuckold for ever.
"And more, in brief, let this your best thoughts win,
She that knows sin, knows best how to hate sin."
HOARD
Cursed be all malice! Black are the fruits of spite,
And poison first their owners. Oh, my friends,
I must embrace shame to be rid of shame!
Concealed disgrace prevents a public name.
Ah, Witgood! Ah, Theodorus.
WITGOOD
Alas, sir, I was pricked in conscience to see her well bestowed, and where could I bestow her better than upon
your pitiful worship? Excepting but myself, I dare swear she's a virgin; and now, by marrying your niece, I
have banished myself for ever from her. She's mine aunt now, by my faith, and there's no meddling with mine
aunt, you knowa sin against my nuncle.
COURTESAN
[Kneeling] Lo, gentlemen, before you all
In true reclaimed form I fall.
Henceforth for ever I defy
The glances of a sinful eye,
Waving of fans (which some suppose
Tricks of fancy), treading of toes,
Wringing of fingers, biting the lip,
The wanton gait, th'alluring trip,
All secret friends and private meetings,
Closeborne letters and bawds' greetings,
Feigning excuse to women's labours
When we are sent for to th' next neighbours,
Taking false physic, and ne'er start
To be let blood, though sign be at heart,
Removing chambers, shifting beds,
To welcome friends in husbands' steads,
Them to enjoy, and you to marry,
They first served, while you must tarry,
They to spend, and you to gather,
They to get, and you to father
A Trick to Catch the Old One
V.[i. A room in Lucre's house] 81
Page No 84
These and thousand thousand more,
New reclaimed, I now abhor.
LUCRE
Ah, here's a lesson, rioter, for you.
WITGOOD
[Kneeling] I must confess my follies; I'll down too.
And here for ever I disclaim
The cause of youth's undoing, game,
Chiefly dice, those true outlanders,
That shake out beggars, thieves, and panders,
Soulwasting surfeits, sinful riots,
Queans' evils, doctors' diets,
'Pothecaries' drugs, surgeons' glisters,
Stabbing of arms for a common mistress,
Riband favours, ribald speeches,
Dear perfumed jackets, penniless breeches,
Dutch flapdragons, healths in urine,
Drabs that keep a man too sure in
I do defy you all.
Lend me each honest hand, for here I rise
A reclaimed man, loathing the general vice.
HOARD
So, so, all friends! The wedding dinner cools.
Who seem most crafty prove oft times most fools.
[Exeunt.]
A Trick to Catch the Old One
V.[i. A room in Lucre's house] 82
Bookmarks
1. Table of Contents, page = 3
2. A Trick to Catch the Old One, page = 4
3. Thomas Middleton, page = 4
4. [I.i. A street in Leicestershire], page = 4
5. II.[i. A room in Lucre's house], page = 14
6. III.[i. Another street in London], page = 29
7. IV.[i. An apartment in Cole Harbour], page = 49
8. V.[i. A room in Lucre's house], page = 77