Title: Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
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Author: W. S. Gilbert
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Page No 1
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
W. S. Gilbert
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Table of Contents
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern..........................................................................................................................1
W. S. Gilbert............................................................................................................................................1
FIRST TABLEAU ...................................................................................................................................1
SECOND TABLEAU ..............................................................................................................................6
THIRD TABLEAU ................................................................................................................................12
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
i
Page No 3
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
W. S. Gilbert
A Tragic Episode, in Three Tabloids, founded on an Old Danish Legend
First Tableau
Second Tableau
Third Tableau
FIRST TABLEAU
Interior of KING CLAUDIUS' palace. CLAUDIUS discovered seated in a gloomy attitude. QUEEN
GERTRUDE on a stool at his feet, consoling him.
QUEEN Nay, be not sad, my lord!
CLAUDIUS
Sad, loved Queen?
If by an effort of the will I could
Annul the everpresent Past disperse
The gaunt and gloomy ghosts of bygone deeds,
Or bind them with imperishable chains
In caverns of the past incarcerate,
Then could I smile again but not till then!
QUEEN Oh, my dear lord!
If aught there be that gives thy soul unrest,
CLAUDIUS
Tell it to me.
Well loved and faithful wife,
Tender companion of my faltering life,
Yes, I can trust thee! Listen, then, to me:
Many years since when but a headstrong lad
QUEEN (Interested)
I wrote a fiveact tragedy.
Indeed?
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern 1
Page No 4
CLAUDIUS
QUEEN
A play, writ by a king
And such a King!
CLAUDIUS Finds ready market. It was read at once,
But ere 'twas read, accepted. Then the Press
Teemed with porpentous import. Elsinore
Was duly placarded by willing hands;
We know that walls have ears I gave them tongues
And they were eloquent with promises.
The day approached all Denmark stood agape.
Arrangements were devised at once by which
Seats might be booked a twelvemonth in advance.
QUEEN
The first night came.
And did the play succeed?
CLAUDIUS
QUEEN
In one sense, yes.
Oh, I was sure of it!
CLAUDIUS A farce was given to play the people in
My tragedy succeeded that. That's all!
QUEEN
CLAUDIUS
And how long did it run?
About ten minutes.
Ere the first act had traced onehalf its course
The curtain fell, never to rise again!
QUEEN
CLAUDIUS
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern 2
Page No 5
And did the people hiss?
No worse than that
They laughed. Sick with the shame that covered me,
I knelt down, palsied, in my private box,
And prayed the hearsed and catacombed dead
Might quit their vaults and claim me for their own!
QUEEN Was it, my lord, so very, very bad?
CLAUDIUS Not to deceive my trusting Queen, it was.
QUEEN And when the play failed, didst thou take no steps
CLAUDIUS
To set thyself right with the world?
I did.
The acts were five though by five acts too long,
I wrote an Act by way of epilogue
An act by which the penalty of death
Was meted out to all who sneered at it.
The play was not good but the punishment
Of those that laughed at it was capital.
QUEEN Think on't no more, my lord. Now mark me well:
To cheer our son, whose solitary tastes
And tendency to long soliloquy
Have much alarmed us, I, unknown to thee,
Have sent for Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
Two merry knaves, kin to Polonius,
Who will devise such revels in our Court
Such antic schemes of harmless merriment
As shall abstract his meditative mind
From sad employment. Claudius, who can tell
But that they may divert my lord as well?
Enter GUILDENSTERN.
GUILDENSTERN
Ah, they are here!
My homage to the Queen!
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern 3
Page No 6
Enter ROSENCRANTZ.
ROSENCRANTZ (Kneeling) In hot obedience to the Royal 'hest
We have arrived, prepared to do our best.
QUEEN We welcome you to Court. Our Chamberlain
Shall see that you are suitably deposed.
Here is his daughter. She will hear your will
And see that it receives fair countenance.
Exeunt KING and QUEEN, lovingly. Enter OPHELIA.
ROSENCRANTZ
OPHELIA (Delighted and surprised)
Ophelia! (Both embrace her)
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern!
This meeting likes me much. We have not met
ROSENCRANTZ
Since we were babies!
The Queen hath summoned us,
And I have come in a halfhearted hope
That I may claim once more my babylove!
OPHELIA
ROSENCRANTZ
Alas, I am betrothed!
Betrothed? To whom?
OPHELIA
ROSENCRANTZ
To Hamlet!
Oh, incomprehensible!
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern 4
Page No 7
OPHELIA (Demurely)
Thou lovest Hamlet?
Nay, I said not so
GUILDENSTERN
I said we were betrothed.
And what's he like?
OPHELIA Alike for no two seasons at a time.
Sometimes he's tall sometimes he's very short
Now with black hair now with a flaxen wig
Sometimes with an English accent then a French
Then English with a strong provincial "burr."
Once an American, and once a Jew
But Danish never, take him how you will!
And strange to say, whate'er his tongue may be,
Whether he's dark or flaxen English French
Though we're in Denmark, A.D. tensixtwo
He always dresses as King James the First!
GUILDENSTERN
Oh, he is surely mad!
OPHELIA
Well, there again
Opinion is divided. Some men hold
That he's the sanest, far, of all sane men
Some that he's really sane, but shamming mad
Some that he's really mad, but shamming sane
Some that he will be mad, some that he was
Some that he couldn't be. But on the whole
(As far as I can make out what they mean)
The favourite theory's somewhat like this:
Hamlet is idiotically sane
With lucid intervals of lunacy
ROSENCRANTZ We must devise some plan to stop this match!
GUILDENSTERN Stay! Many years ago, King Claudius
Was guilty of a five act tragedy.
The play was damned, and none may mention it
Under the pain of death. We might contrive
To make him play this piece before the King,
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern 5
Page No 8
ROSENCRANTZ
And take the consequence.
Impossible!
OPHELIA
For every copy was destroyed.
But one
OPHELIA
My father's!
ROSENCRANTZ
Eh?
OPHELIA
In his capacity
As our Lord Chamberlain* he has one copy. I
This night, when all the Court is drowned in sleep,
Will creep with stealthy foot into his den
And there abstract the precious manuscript!
*(ALL bow reverentially at mention of this functionary)
GUILDENSTERN The plan is well conceived! But take good heed,
OPHELIA
Your father may detect you.
Oh dear, no.
My father spends his long official days
In reading all the rubbishing new plays.
From ten to four at work he may be found:
And then my father sleeps exceeding sound!
(Picture. OPHELIA, ROSENCRANTZ, and GUILDENSTERN, grouped.)
SECOND TABLEAU
Enter QUEEN, meeting ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN.
QUEEN Have you as yet planned aught that may relieve
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
SECOND TABLEAU 6
Page No 9
Our poor afflicted son's despondency?
ROSENCRANTZ Madam, we've lost no time. Already we
Are getting up some Court theatricals
In which the prince will play a leading part.
QUEEN That's wellbethought it will divert his mind.
ROSENCRANTZ
But soft he comes.
How gloomily he stalks,
Starts looks around then, as if reassured,
Rumples his hair and rolls his glassy eyes!
QUEEN (Appalled) That means he's going to soliloquize!
Prevent this, gentlemen, by any means!
GUILDENSTERN
QUEEN
We will, but how?
Anticipate his points,
And follow out his argument for him;
Thus will you cut the ground from 'neath his feet
ROSENCRANTZ GUILDENSTERN
And leave him naught to say.
We will! We will! (They kneel)
QUEEN A mother's blessing be upon you, sirs! (Exit)
ROSENCRANTZ (Both rising) Now, Guildenstern, apply thee to this task.
Music. Enter HAMLET. He stalks to chair, throws himself into it.
HAMLET
To be or not to be!
Yes, that's the question
Whether he's bravest who will cut his throat
GUILDENSTERN
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
SECOND TABLEAU 7
Page No 10
Rather than suffer all
Or suffer all
Rather than cut his throat?
HAMLET (Annoyed at interruption, says, "Go away go away," then resumes)
To die to sleep
ROSENCRANTZ It's nothing more Death is but sleep spun out
(ROSENCRANTZ offers him a dagger)
GUILDENSTERN
Why hesitate?
The only question is
Between the choice of deaths, which death to choose.
(GUILDENSTERN offers a revolver)
HAMLET (In great terror) Do take those dreadful things away. They make
My blood run cold. Go away go away!
They turn aside. HAMLET continues.
ROSENCRANTZ
To sleep, perchance to
Dream.
That's very true. I never dream myself.
But Guildenstern dreams all night long out loud.
GUILDENSTERN (Coming down and kneeling)
With blushes, sir, I do confess it true!
HAMLET This question, gentlemen, concerns me not.
(Resumes) For who would bear the whips and scorns of time
ROSENCRANTZ (As if guessing a riddle) Who'd bear the whips and scorns? Now let me see.
GUILDENSTERN (Same business)
Who'd bear them, eh?
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
SECOND TABLEAU 8
Page No 11
Who'd bear the scorns of time?
ROSENCRANTZ (Correcting him)
GUILDENSTERN
The whips and scorns
The whips and scorns, of course.
(HAMLET about to protest) (GUILDENSTERN continues)
Don't tell us let us guess the whips of time?
HAMLET Oh, sirs, this interruption likes us not.
ROSENCRANTZ
I pray you give it up.
My lord, we do
We cannot tell who bears those whips and scorns.
HAMLET (Not heeding them, resumes) But that the dread of something after death
ROSENCRANTZ That's true post mortem and the coroner
Felodese cross roads at twelve p.m.
And then the forfeited life policy
HAMLET (really angry)
Exceedingly unpleasant.
Gentlemen,
It must be patent to the merest dunce
Three persons can't soliloquize at once!
HAMLET retires and throws himself on dais, as if buried in soliloquy. Enter OPHELIA, white with terror,
holding a heavy manuscript.
OPHELIA
ROSENCRANTZ
OPHELIA (In stage whisper)
Rosencrantz!
Well?
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
SECOND TABLEAU 9
Page No 12
I've found the manuscript,
But never put me to such work again!
ROSENCRANTZ Why, what has happened that you tremble so?
OPHELIA Last night I stole down from my room alone
And sought my father's den. I entered it!
The clock struck twelve, and then oh, horrible!
From chest and cabinet there issued forth
The mouldy spectres of five thousand plays,
All dead and gone and many of them damned!
I shook with horror! They encompassed me,
Chattering forth the scenes and parts of scenes
Which my poor father wisely had cut out.
Oh, horrible oh, 'twas most horrible! (Covering her face)
ROSENCRANTZ
OPHELIA (Severely)
What was't they uttered?
I decline to say.
The more I heard the more convinced was I
My father acted most judiciously;
ROSENCRANTZ
Let that suffice thee.
Give me, then, the play,
OPHELIA (Crossing to him)
And I'll submit it to the Prince.
But stay,
Do not appear to urge him hold him back,
Or he'll decline to play the piece I know him.
HAMLET Why what's that? (Rises and comes down.)
GUILDENSTERN We have been looking through some dozen plays
To find one suited to our company.
This is, my lord, a fiveact tragedy.
'Tis called "Gonzago" but it will not serve
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
SECOND TABLEAU 10
Page No 13
HAMLET
'Tis very long.
Is there a part for me?
OPHELIA There is, my lord, a most important part
A mad Archbishop who becomes a Jew
HAMLET
To spite his diocese.
That's very good!
ROSENCRANTZ (Turning over the pages) Here you go mad and then soliloquize;
Here you are the same again and then you don't;
Then, later on, you stab your aunt, because
Well, I can't tell you why you stab your aunt,
HAMLET
But still you stab her.
That is quite enough.
ROSENCRANTZ Then you become the leader of a troop
Of Greek banditti and soliloquize
After a long and undisturbed career
Of murder (tempered by soliloquy)
You see the sin and folly of your ways
And offer to resume your diocese;
But, just too late for, terrible to tell,
As you're repenting (in soliloquy)
The Bench of Bishops seize you unawares
And blow you from a gun!
During this HAMLET has acted in pantimome the scenes described
HAMLET (Excitedly) That's excellent.
That's very good indeed we'll play this piece!
(Taking manuscript from ROSENCRANTZ)
OPHELIA But, pray consider all the other parts
HAMLET
Are insignificant.
What matters that?
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
SECOND TABLEAU 11
Page No 14
ROSENCRANTZ
We'll play this piece.
The plot's impossible,
And all the dialogue bombastic stuff.
HAMLET I tell you, sir, that we will play this piece.
Bestir yourselves about it, and engage
All the most fairly famed tragedians
To play the small parts as tragedians should.
A mad Archbishop! Yes, that's very good!
(Picture. HAMLET, reading the ms. with limelight on him. ROSENCRANTZ at entrance, OPHELIA at
entrance.)
THIRD TABLEAU
March. Enter procession.
The KING sits, the QUEEN on his left, OPHELIA on his right, ROSENCRANTZ stands above her,
GUILDENSTERN and POLONIUS behind the KING and QUEEN; the COURTIERS right and left.
QUEEN A fair good morrow to you, Rosencrantz.
How march the Royal revels?
ROSENCRANTZ Lamely, madam, lamely, like a onelegged duck. The Prince
has discovered a strange play. He hath called it, "A
right Reckoning Long Delayed."
CLAUDIUS And of what fashion is the Prince's play?
ROSENCRANTZ 'Tis an excellent poor tragedy, my lord a thing of
shreds and patches welded into a form that hath mass
without consistency, like an illbuilt villa.
QUEEN But sir, you should have used your best endeavours
To wean his phantasy from such a play.
ROSENCRANTZ Madam, I did, and with some success, for he now seeth the
absurdity of its tragical catastrophes, and laughs at it
as freely as we do. So, albeit, the poor author had
hoped to have drawn tears of sympathy, the Prince has
resolved to present it as a piece of pompous folly
intended to excite no loftier emotion than laughter and
surprise. Here comes the Royal Tragedian with his troop.
Enter HAMLET and PLAYERS
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
THIRD TABLEAU 12
Page No 15
HAMLET Good morrow, sir. This is our company of players. They have
come to town to do honour and add completeness to our revels.
CLAUDIUS Good sirs, we welcome you to Elsinore.
Prepare you now we are agog to taste
This intellectual treat in store for us.
HAMLET We are ready, sir. But, before we begin, I would speak a
word to you who are to play this piece. I have chosen
this play in the face of sturdy opposition from my well
esteemed friends, who were for playing a piece with less
bombastic fury and more frolic. (Addresses KING)
But I have thought this a fit play to be presented by
reason of that very pedantical bombast and windy
obtrusive rhetorick that they do rightly despise. For
I hold that there is no such antick fellow as your
bombastical hero who doth so earnestly spout forth
his folly as to make his hearers believe that he in unconscious
of all incongruity; whereas, he who doth so mark, label,
and underscore his antick speeches as to show that he
is alive to their absurdity seemeth to utter them under
protest, and to take part with his audience against
himself. (Turning to PLAYERS) For which reason, I pray
you, let there be no huge red noses, nor extravagant
monstrous wigs, nor coarse men garbed as women, in this
comitragedy; for such things are as much as to say,
"I am a comick fellow I pray you laugh at me, and hold
what I say to be cleverly ridiculous." Such labelling of
humour is an impertinence to your audience, for it seemeth
to imply that they are unable to recognize a joke unless
it be pointed out to them. I pray you avoid it.
Slight applause which HAMLET acknowledges
FIRST PLAYER Sir, we are beholden to you for your good counsels. But
we would urge upon your consideration that we are
accomplished players, who have spent many years in learning
our profession; and we would venture to suggest that
it would better befit your lordship to confine yourself
to such matters as your lordship may be likely to
understand. We, on our part, may have our own ideas
as to the duties of heirsapparent; but it would ill
become us to air them before your lordship, who may be
resonably supposed to understand such matters more
perfectly than your very humble servants.
ALL applaud vigorously. HAMLET about to explode in anger. KING interrupts him. HAMLET thinks better
of it and angrily beckons PLAYERS to follow him. He and they exeunt.
CLAUDIUS Come, let us take our places. Gather round
That all may see this fooling. Here's a chair
In which I shall find room to roll about
When laughter takes possession of my soul.
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
THIRD TABLEAU 13
Page No 16
Now we are ready.
Enter on platform a loving couple. Applause.
SHE
HE
Shouldst thou prove faithless?
If I do
Then let the world forget to woo (Kneeling)
The mountaintops bow down in fears,
The midday sun dissolve in tears,
And outraged nature, pale and bent,
Fall prostrate in bewilderment!
ALL titter through this breaking into a laugh at the end, the KING enjoying it more than anyone.
OPHELIA Truly, sir, I hope he will prove faithful, lest
we should all be involved in this catastrophe!
CLAUDIUS (Laughing) Much, indeed, depends upon his constancy. I am
sure he hath all our prayers, gentlemen!
(To ROSENCRANTZ) Is this play well known?
ROSENCRANTZ (Advancing) It is not, my lord. (Turns back to OPHELIA)
CLAUDIUS Ha! I seem to have met with these lines before. Go on.
SHE Hark, dost thou hear those trumpets and those drums?
Thy hated rival, stern Gonzago, comes!
Exeunt loving COUPLE. Laughter, as before.
QUEEN And wherefore cometh Gonzago?
ROSENCRANTZ He cometh here to woo!
QUEEN Cannot he woo without an orchestra at his elbow? A fico
for such wooing, say I!
CLAUDIUS (Rather alarmed, aside to ROSENCRANTZ) Who is Gonzago?
ROSENCRANTZ He's a mad Archbishop of Elsinore. 'Tis a most
ridiculous and mirthful character and the more so for
that the poor author had hoped to have appalled you
with his tragical end.
ROSENCRANTZ returns to OPHELIA. During this, the KING has shown that he has recognized his
tragedy. He is horrified at discovery.
Enter HAMLET as Archbishop, with a robe and mitre. ALL laugh and applaud except the KING, who is
miserable.
HAMLET Free from the cares of Church and State,
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
THIRD TABLEAU 14
Page No 17
I come to wreak my love and hate.
Love whirls me to the lofty skies
Hate drags me where dark Pluto lies!
ALL laugh except KING.
QUEEN Marry, but he must have a nice time of it between them!
Oh, sir, this passeth the bounds of ridicule, and to think
that these lines were to have drawn our tears!
OPHELIA Truly, mine eyes run with tears, but they are begotten
of laughter.
HAMLET Gently, gently. Spare your ridicule, lest you have
none left for the later scenes. The tragedy is full of
such windy fooling. You shall hear more anon. There
are five acts of this!
ALL groan. HAMLET resumes.
For two great ends I daily fume
The altar and the deadly tomb.
How can I live in such a state
And hold my ArchEpiscopate?
ROSENCRANTZ (Exhausted with laughter) Oh, my lord I pray you end this,
or I shall die with laughter!
QUEEN (Ditto) Did mortal ever hear such metrical folly! Stop it,
my good lord, or I shall assuredly do myself some injury.
OPHELIA (Ditto) Oh, sir, prythee have mercy on us we have laughed till
we can laugh no more!
HAMLET The drollest scene is coming now. Listen.
CLAUDIUS (Rises)
(ALL start.)
Stop!
Stop, I say cast off those mummeries!
HAMLET (Takes off robes)
Come hither, Hamlet!
Why, what ails you, sir?
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
THIRD TABLEAU 15
Page No 18
CLAUDIUS (With suppressed fury)
HAMLET
Knowst thou who wrote this play?
Not I, indeed
CLAUDIUS
Nor do I care to know!
I wrote this play
To mention it is death, by Denmark's law!
QUEEN (Kneeling) Oh, spare him, for he is mine only child!
CLAUDIUS Both shall together perish!
CLAUDIUS draw dagger. QUEEN endeavours to restrain him.
HAMLET (On his knees) Hold thine hand!
I can't bear death I'm a philosopher!
CLAUDIUS That's true. But how shall we dispose of him?
ALL puzzled.
OPHELIA (Suddenly) A thought!
There is a certain isle beyond the sea
Where dwell a cultured race compared with whom
We are but poor brainblind barbarians;
'Tis known as Engleland. Oh, send him there!
If but the half of what I've heard of them be true
They will enshrine him on their great good hearts,
And men will rise or sink in good esteem
According as they worship him, or slight him!
CLAUDIUS Well, we're dull dogs in Denmark. It may be
That we've misjudged him. If such a race there be
(There may be I am not a wellread man)
They're welcome to his philosophic brain
So, Hamlet, get thee gone and don't come back again!
CLAUDIUS crosses to right. HAMLET, who is delighted at the suggestion, crosses to QUEEN and
embraces her. He then embraces OPHELIA, who receives his kiss with marked coldness. Then he turns up
onto platform and strikes an attitude, exclaiming, "To Engleland!" At the same moment, ROSENCRANTZ
embraces OPHELIA. Picture.
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
THIRD TABLEAU 16
Bookmarks
1. Table of Contents, page = 3
2. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, page = 4
3. W. S. Gilbert, page = 4
4. FIRST TABLEAU, page = 4
5. SECOND TABLEAU, page = 9
6. THIRD TABLEAU, page = 15