Anything for a Quiet Life...................................................................................................................................1

Thomas Middleton ...................................................................................................................................1

I.[i. Sir Francis Cressingham's house].....................................................................................................2

II.[i. Knavesbee's house] ........................................................................................................................13

III.[i. Lord Beaufort's house].................................................................................................................33

IV.[i. Sir Francis's house]......................................................................................................................46

V.[i. Before Sir Francis's house] ............................................................................................................62

FRANKLIN, a sea captain, son to Old Franklin, and companion to George Cressingham

[MARIA and EDWARD,] two children of Sir Francis Cressingham, nurs'd by Water Chamlet

[MISTRESS CRESSINGHAM, wife to George Cressingham, disguised as] Selenger, page to the Lord Beaufort

Oh, that's a monument your wives take great delight in; I do hear you are grown a mighty purchaser. I hope

There's it: her going brave has the only virtue to improve my credit in the subsidy book.

But I pray, how thrives your new plantation of silkworms, those I saw last summer at your garden?

This winter my wife has remov'd them home to a fair chamber, where diverse courtiers use to come and see

them, and my wife carries them up; I think shortly, what with the store of visitants, they'll prove as

chargeable to me as the morrow after Simon and Jude, only excepting the taking down and setting up again of

That a man of your estate should be so grippleminded, and repining at his wife's bounty!

There are no such ridiculous things i' th' world as those love money better than themselves; for though they

have understanding to know riches, a mind to seek them, and a wit to find them, and policy to keep them, and

long life to possess them, yet commonly they have withal such a false sight, such blear'd eyes, all their wealth

Good Sir Francis, you have had sore eyes too: you have been a gamester, but you have given it o'er, and to

redeem the vice belong'd to't, now you entertain certain [parcels] of silenc'd ministers, which I think will

equally undo you. Yet should these waste you but lenitively, your devising new watermill[s] for recovery of

drown'd land, and certain dreams you have in alchemy to find the philosopher's stone, will certainly draw you

to th' bottom. I speak freely, sir, and would not have you angry, for I love you.

I am deeply in your books for furnishing my late wedding. Have you brought a note of the particulars?

Come, 'tis the first principle in a motherinlaw's choplogic to divide the family, to remove from forth your

sight the object[s] that her cunning knows would dull her insinuation. Had you been a kind father, it would

have been your practice every day to have preach'd to these two young ones carefully your late wife's funeral

As: Item, such a day I was got fox'd with foolish metheglin in the company of certain Welsh chapmen; item,

such a day being at the Artillery Garden, one of my neighbours in courtesy to salute me with his musket, set

afire my fustianandapes breeches; such a day I lost fifty pound in huggermugger at dice in the

questhouse; item, I lent money to a sea captain on his bare "Confound him, he would pay me again the next

O my lord, I remember you and I were students together at Cambridge; but believe me, you went far beyond

When I studied there, I had so fantastical a brain, that like a felfare, frighted in winter by a birdingpiece, I

Now my wit, though it were more dull, yet I went slowly on, and as diverse others, when I could not prove an

excellent scholar, by a plodding patience I attain'd to be a petty lawyer; and I thank my dullness for't. You

may stamp in lead any figure, but in oil or quicksilver nothing can be imprinted, for they keep no certain

O, you tax me well of irresolution; but say, worthy friend, how thrives my weighty suit which I have trusted

'Tis yet questionable, for I have not broke the ice to her; an hour hence come to my house, and if it lie in man,

be sure, as the law phrase says, I will create you lord paramount of your wishes.

O my best friend, and one that takes the hardest course i' th' world to make himself so!

Pray, pardon me, I have business so importunes me o' th' sudden, I cannot stay; deliver mine excuse, and in

The rich stuff[s] which my husband bought of you, the works of them are too common. I have got a Dutch

painter to draw patterns, which I'll have sent to your factors, as in Italy, at Florence and Ragusa, where these

Chargeable! What of that? If I live another year, I'll have my agents shall lie for me at Paris, and at Venice,

The two children to which you are motherinlaw would be repaired too; 'tis time they had new clothing.

That you would give o'er this fruitless, if I may not say this idle, study of alchemy; why, half your house

My lord, your quicksilver has made all your more solid gold and silver fly in fume.

Why, noble friend, would you find the true philosopher's stone indeed, my good housewifery should do it.

You understand I was bred up with a great courtly lady; do not think all women mind gay clothes and riot:

there are some widows living have improv'd both their own fortunes and their children's. Would you take my

Yes, and the manor house upon't: 'tis rotten. Oh, the newfashion'd buildings brought from the Hague: 'tis

stately! I have intelligence of a purchase, and the title sound, will for half the money you may sell yours for,

If it be so good a pennyworth, I need not sell my land to purchase it: I'll procure money to do it.

How? Why, my father was a lawyer, and died in the commission, and may not I by a natural instinct have a

reaching that way? There are, on mine own knowledge, some divines' daughters infinitely affected with

reading controversies, and that, some think, has been a means to bring so many suits into the spiritual court.

Pray, be advised, sell your land, and purchase more: I knew a peddlar by being merchant this way, is become

Let me see. Your father was a captain: demand of me how many dead pays I am to answer for in the

Why then, open confession I hope, dear wife, will merit freer pardon: I sinn'd twice with my laundress, and

last circuit there was at Banbury a shechamberlain that had a spice of purity, but at last I prevailed over her.

I have made a vow never to ride abroad but in thy company. Oh, a little drink makes me clamber like a

monkey! Now, sweet wife, you have been an outlier too: which is best feed, in the forest or in the purlieus?

And being in Cambridge, a handsome scholar, one of [Emmanuel] College, fell in love with me.

Like him! Oh, he had the most enticing'st strawcolour'd beard, a woman with black eyes would have lov'd

him like jet! He was the finest man, with a formal wit; and he had a fine dog that sure was whelp'd i' th'

Some fiveandtwenty years hence I may chance tell you. Fie upon you! What tricks, what crotchets are

these? Have you plac'd anybody behind the arras to hear my confession? I heard one in England got a divorce

from's wife by such a trick; were I dispos'd now, I would make you as mad. You shall see me play the

No, no, wife, you shall see me play the changeling: hadst thou confess'd, this other suit I'll now prefer to thee

There is a lord o' th' court, upon my credit, a most dear, honourable friend of mine, that must lie with thee. Do

Lose you! I shall love you the better! Why, what's the viewing any wardrobe or jewelhouse without a

companion to confer their likings? Yet now I view thee well, methinks thou art a rare monopoly, and great

Let's divorce ourselves so long, or think I am gone to th' Indies, or lie with him when I am asleep, for some

Familists of Amsterdam will tell you [it] may be done with a safe conscience. Come, you wanton, what hurt

can this do to you? I protest nothing so much as to keep company with an old woman has sore eyes: no more

wrong than I do my beaver when I try it thus. [He rubs it against the fur, then smoothes it.] Look, this is all:

And my preferment comes along with him. Be wise, mind your good, and to confute all reason in the world

which thou canst urge against it. When 'tis done, we will be married again, wife, which some say is the only

Believe it, every [county] you breathe on is the sweeter for you. Let me see your hand. [Attempting to take

her hand from her glove] The case is loath to part with the jewel! Fairest one, I have skill in palmistry.

Oh, my lord, I took him by weight, not fashion. Goldsmiths' wives taught me that way of bargain, and some

I have a summerhouse for you: a fine place to flatter solitariness. Will you come and lie there?

This now, if I may borrow our lawyer's phrase, is my wife's imparlance; at her next appearance she must

I do lack content, sir, content I lack: have you or your worshipful master here any content to sell?

If content be a stuff to be sold by the yard, you may have content at home and never go abroad for't.

Yes, indeed, forsooth, she spoke to us, but chiefly to Ralph, because she knows he has but one stone.

No more of that if you love me, George; this is not the way to keep a quiet house.

Enter Franklin [disguised as a gentleman] and young Cressingham disguis'd [as his tailor].

[Aside to Cressingham] With ignorance enough to go through with it. So near I am to him, we must call

[Aside to Franklin] If I do not steal away handsomely, let me never play the tailor again.

The best in Europe, sir. Here's a piece worth a piece every yard of him; the King of Naples wears no better

An especial good piece of silk; the worm never spun a finer thread, believe it, sir.

Fie, sir, fifteen's too high! Yet so. [To Cressingham] How many yards will service for my suit, sirrah?

No, sir, some purses and pinpillows perhaps; a tailor pays for his kissing that ways.

Well, sir, I'll give you the buying once; I hope to gain it in your custom. Want you nothing else, sir?

Indeed, but you do, Sir Andrew. I must needs deliver my lady's message to you; she enjoin'd me by oath to do

I must endanger myself for my lady, sir; you know she's to go to my Lady Trenchmore's wedding, and to be

seen there without a new gown! She'll have ne'er an eye to be seen there, for her fingers in 'em. Nay, by my

fack, sir, I do not think she'll go, and then, the cause known, what a discredit 'twill be to you!

[Giving him money] There's your money. [To Cressingham] Will you take this and be gone, and about your

Troth, sir, I'll see some stuffs for my lady first. I'll tell her at least I did my good will. [To George] A fair

You are the arrantest villain of a tailor that ever sat crosslegg'd! What do you think a gown of this stuff will

Why, say it be forty pound, sir: what's that to you? Three thousand a year I hope will maintain it.

It will, sir; very good. You were best be my overseer! Say I be not furnish'd with money, how then?

A very fine excuse in you! Which place of ten now will you send me for a hundred pound to bring it

Sir, sir, your tailor persuades you well; 'tis for your credit, and the great content of your lady.

'Tis for your content, sir, and my charges. [To Cressingham] Never think, goodman falsestitch, to come to the

mercers with me again. Pray, will you see if my cousin Sweetball the barber, he's nearest hand, be furnish'd,

You may fly, sir; you have clipt somebody's wings for it to piece out your own. An arrant thief you are.

Thereabouts, sir. Why, sir, there are far short of your means that wear the like.

By overhearing your tailor, sir, three thousand a year; but if you'd have a petticoat for your lady, here's a

You are such another gentleman. But for the stuff, sir, 'tis [L. s. and d.]; for the turn stripp'd a' purpose, a yard

Because if they abuse their petticoats, there are abuses stripp'd, then 'tis taking them up, and they may be

Then it is likewise stripp'd standing, between which is discover'd the open part, which is now call'd the

Yes; while the word remain'd pure in his original, the Latin tongue, who have no K's, it was call'd the placet,

Protest, sir, he's half angry that either you should think him unfurnish'd, or not furnish'd for your use. There's

a hundred pound ready for you; he desires you to pardon his coming: his folks are busy and his wife trimming

He would not trust you with it. I con him thanks for that: he knows what trade you are of. [To Chamlet] Well,

sir, pray, cut him patterns; he may in the meantime know my lady's liking. Let your man take the pieces

With all my heart, sir. Ralph, your cloak, and go with the gentleman; look you give good measure.

The best i' th' shop, sir, yet we have none bad. You'll have the stuff for the petticoat too?

By all means, sir. Not the petticoat? That were holiday upon workingday, i'faith.

O sir, we keep none but those we dare trust, sir! [Aside to Ralph] Ralph, have a care of light gold.

That I shall, sir, from all the shops i' th' town. 'Tis the Lamb in Lombard Street.

A good morning's work, sir. If this custom would but last long, you might shut up your shop and live

O George, but here's a grief that takes away all the gains and joy of all my thrift!

Alas, sir, they are but squibs and crackers; they'll soon die: you know her flashes of old.

But they fly so near me that they burn me, George; they are as ill as muskets charged with bullets.

Right, right, there's harmony in discords: this lamp of love while any oil is left can never be extinct; it may,

like a snuff, wink and seem to die, but up he will again and show his head. I cannot be quiet, George, without

And when she's at home, you're never quiet, I'm sure; a fine life you have on't. Well, sir, I'll do my best to

Enter Franklin [and] young Cressingham [disguised] as before, Ralph [carrying the stuffs], [Sweetball the]

Were it of greater moment than you speak of, noble sir, I hope you think me sufficient, and it shall be

I could wish your wife did not know it, coz. Women's tongues are not always tuneable; I may many ways

[Aside] He hits a good comparison! [To Ralph] Give my wastegood your stuffs and go with my cousin, sir;

Sirrah, go you show your lady the stuffs, and let her choose her colour. Away; you know whither. Boy,

So, friend, I'll now dispatch you presently. Boy, reach me my dismembering instrument and let my

See if my [lixivium], my fomentation be provided first, and get my rollers, bolsters, and pledgets arm'd.

You must have a little patience, sir, when you are a patient; if [praeputium] be not too much perish'd, you

Marry, if there be exulceration between [praeputium] and glans, by my faith, the whole penis may be

O fie, youth, pox is no word of art: morbus Gallicus, or Neopolitamus had been well. Come, friend, you must

Take you no care for that: your worthy cousin has given me part in hand, and the rest I know he will upon

Ware! That was well: the word is cleanly, though not artful. Your ware is that I must see.

You will neither have tissue nor issue if you linger in your malady; better a member cut off than endanger the

I do begin to fear you are subject to subeth, unkindly sleeps, which have bred oppilations in your brain. Take

heed, the symptoma will follow, and this may come to frenzy: begin with the first cause, which is the pain of

You shall feel it, sir. Death, give me my fifty pounds or my ware again, or I'll measure out your anatomy by

Where's the knight, your cousin? The thief! And the tailor with my cloth of gold and tissue?

The gentleman that sent away his man with the stuffs is gone a pretty while since; he has carried away our

O, that brush hurts my heart's side! Cheated! Cheated! He told me that your virga had a burningfever.

I shall so hereafter, but here it is; you see yet my head, my hair, and my wit, and here are my heels that I must

show to my master if the cheaters be not found. And barber, provide thee plasters: I will break thy head with

My attendance you should have, mistress, but that my lord expects it, and 'tis his due.

And must be paid upon the hour? That's too strict; any time of the day will serve.

Alas, 'tis due every minute, and paid, 'tis due again, or else I forfeit my recognisance, the cloth I wear of his.

Come, come, pay it double at another time, and 'twill be quitted; I have a little use of you.

Of me, forsooth! Small use can be made of me: if you have suit to my lord, none can speak better for you

Now I remember me: I have a toy to deliver your lord that's yet unfinish'd, and you may further me. Pray you,

your hands, while I unwind this skein of gold from you; 'twill not detain you long.

You wind me into your service prettily; with all the haste you can, I beseech you.

If it do, I can help it. Fear not this thing of long length; you shall see I can bring you to a bottom.

It becomes you finely, but I forewarn you, and remember it, your enemy gain not this advantage of you: you

are his prisoner then, for look you, you are mine now, my captive manacled; I have your hands in bondage.

'Tis a good lesson, mistress, and I am perfect in it; another time I'll take out this, and learn another. Pray you,

But you could not, for I could bite you with the spite of my teeth, if it pleases me.

E'en here, my lord. Mistress, pray you, my liberty; you hinder my duty to my lord.

Nay, sir, one courtesy shall serve us both at this time. You're busy, I perceive; when your leisure next serves

You must pardon me, my lord; you see I am entangled here. Mistress, I protest I'll break prison if you free me

[Aside] And I'm glad on't; I'll ne'er give both my hands at once again to a woman's command; I'll put one

Free leave have you, my lord. [Aside] So I think you may have: filthy beauty, what a white witch thou art!

Now, Fleshhook, use thy talon, set upon his right shoulder; thy sergeant Counterbuff at the left, grasp in his

Marry, has there, sir. How could else so many broken bankrupts play up and down by their creditors' noses,

That's another case, Counterbuff; there's privilege to cozen: but here cozenage went before, and there's no

privilege for that. To him boldly! I will spend all the scissors in my shop, but I'll have him snapp'd.

Well, sir, if he come within the length of large mace once, we'll teach him to cozen.

Marry, hang him, teach him no more cozenage; he's too perfect in't already. Go gingerly about it, lay your

At the Man in the Moon, above stairs. So soon as he comes down, and the bush left at his back, Ralph is the

dog behind him: he watches to give us notice; be ready then, my dear bloodhounds. You shall deliver him to

Newgate, from thence to the hangman; his body I will beg of the sheriffs, for at the next lecture I am likely to

be the master of my anatomy. Then will I vex every vein about him; I will find where his disease of cozenage

lay, whether in the vertebrae, or in [os coxendix]: but I guess I shall find it descend from humore, through the

Be in readiness, for he's coming this way, alone too. Stand to't like gentleman and yeoman: so soon as he is in

I have had a [conquassation] in my cerebrum ever since the disaster, and now it takes me again: if it turn to a

My action of defamation shall be clapp'd on him too; I will make him appear to't in the shape of a white sheet

Ha! Qui va l�? Que pensezvous faire, messieurs? Me voulezvous d�rober? Je n'ai point d'argent: je suis un

Whoop! Pray you, sir, speak English. You did when you bought cloth of gold at six nihils a yard, when

Que voulezvous? Me voulezvous tuer? Le[s] Fran�ais ne sont point ennemis. [Giving them his purse]

Je n'ai point de joyaux que cestuici, et c'est � monsieur l'ambassadeur. Il m'envoie � [ses] affaires, et vous

Vous semblez �tre un homme courtois; je vous prie entendez mes affaires: il y a ici deux ou [trois] canailles

qui m'ont [assi�g�], un pauvre �tranger qui ne leur ai fait nul mal, ni donn� mauvaise parole, ni tir� mon �p�e.

L'un me prend par une �paule, et me frappe deux livre pesant; l'autre me tire par le bras, il parle je ne sais

quoi. Je leur ai donn� ma bourse, et [s'ils] ne me veulent point laisser aller; que feraije monsieur?

Sir, unless you will absolutely challenge him the man, we dare not proceed further.

Cette femme ici est de mon pays. Madame, je vous prie leur dire mon pays; il m'ont [retard�], je ne sais

Madame, [vrai] est que je les ai tromp�s, et suis arr�te, et n'ai nul moyen d'�chapper [qu'en changeant] mon

langage. Aidezmoi en cette affaire. Je vous connois bien, o� vous tenez un bordeau; vous et les votres en

If he be, 'tis the likest an Englishman that ever I saw; all his dimensions, proportions! Had I but the dissecting

of his heart, in capsula cordis could I find it now, for a Frenchman's heart is more [quassative] and subject to

Stay, we'll further enquire of this gentlewoman. Mistress, if you have so much English to help us with, as I

think you have, for I have long seen you about London, pray, tell us, and truly tell us, is this gentleman a

Well, well, we are mistaken, I see; pray you, so tell him, and request him not to be offended. An honest man

may look like a knave, and be ne'er the worse for't. The error was in our eyes, and now we find it in his

J'essayerai encore une fois, monsieur cousin, pour votre sauvet�. Allezvous en; votre libert� est suffisante.

Je gagnerai le reste pour mon devoir, et vous aurez votre part � mon �cole. J'ai une fille qui parle un peu

Fran�ais; elle conversera avec vous � la FleurdeLis en Turnbull Street. Mon cousin, ayez soin de

Cousine, pour l'amour de vous, et principalement pour moi, je suis content de m'en aller. Je trouverai votre

�cole, et si vos �coliers me sont agr�ables, je tirerai � l'�p�e seule, et si d'aventure je la rompe, je payerai dix

sous. Et pour ce vieux fol, [et ces] deux canailles, ce poulain Snipsnap, et l'autre bonnet rond, je les verrai

So, so, she has got him off; but I perceive much anger in his countenance still. And what says he, madam?

Moosh, moosh anger, but ey conosh heer lodging shall cool him very well. Dere is a kinswomans can moosh

allay heer heat and heer spleen; she shall do for my saka, and he no trobla you.

[Giving her money] Look, there is earnest, but thy reward's behind. Come to my shop, the Holy Lamb in

Tank u, monsieur; shall visit u. Ey make all pacifie; � votre service tr�s [humblement], tree, four, five fool of

To pay us for our pains, sir, and better reward us, that we may be provided against further danger that may

I must phlebotomise, sir, but my almanac says the sign is in Taurus. I dare not cut my own throat, but if I find

I will go with you, officers; I will walk with you in the open street though it be a scandal to me, for now I

Ha? Never trouble me more? Of this, George, may be made a sad construction; that phrase we sometimes use

No, sir, but she vows she'll never come home again to you, so you shall live quietly, and this I took to be very

Ay, but this is a principal, sir. The truth is, she will be divorc'd, she says, and is labouring with her cousin

Yes, sir, not only at your person, but she shoots at your shop too; she says you vent ware that is not

warrantable, braided ware, and that you give not London measure. Women, you know, look for more than a

bare yard. And then you keep children in the name of your own, which she suspects came not in at the right

That done, I'll be bold to venter once more for her recovery, since you cannot live at liberty; but because you

are a rich citizen, you will have your chain about your neck. I think I have a device will bring you together by

A most terrible prognostication! All the resort, all the business to my house is to my lady and master steward,

whilst Sir Francis stands for a cipher. I have made away myself and my power as if I had done it by deed of

The conveyances are drawn and the money ready. My lady sent me to you to know directly if you meant to

Thou speakest this cheerfully, methinks, whereas faithful servants were wont to mourn when they beheld the

lord that fed and cherish'd them, [as] by curst enchantments remov'd into another blood. Cressingham of

All this is nothing to my lady's resolution; it must be done or she'll not stay in England. She would know

whether your son be sent for that must likewise set his hand to th' sale; for otherwise the lawyers say there

Yes, I have sent for him; but I pray thee, think what a hard task 'twill be for a father to persuade his son and

Nay, for that use your own logic: I have heard you talk at the sessions terribly against deerstealers, and that

I do live to see two miseries, one to be commanded by my wife, the other to be censured by my slave.

[Kneeling] That which I have wanted long, and has been cause of my irregular courses, I beseech you let

[Raising him and giving him money] Rise, George: there's a hundred pounds for you, and my blessing; with

these, your mother's favour. But I [hear] your studies are become too licentious of late.

Yes, of your writing; somewhat you should write will be dangerous to you. I have a suit to you.

O Sir Francis, we have a most lamentable house at home! Nothing to be heard in't but separation and

divorces, and such a noise of the spiritual court as if it were a tenement upon London Bridge and built upon

Seven miles off, into Essex: she vow'd never to leave Barking while she liv'd till these were brought home

The angry woman methought grutch'd us our victuals: our new mother is a good soul, and loves us, and does

I am at home now, and in heaven methinks: what a comfort 'tis to be under your wing!

Indeed, my mother was wont to call me your nestlecock, and I love you as well as she did.

Look you, sir, here's the conveyance and my lady's solicitor: pray, resolve what to do; my lady is coming

down. How now, George? How does thy mistress that sits in a wainscot gown, like a citizen's lure to draw in

Acknowledge a fine and recovery of the land; then for possession the course is common.

No, these are bogs, but a little cost will drain them. This upper part that runs by the black water is the

[Cussacks'] land, a spacious country, and yields excellent profit by the salmon and fishing for herring. Here

runs the Kernesdale, admirable feed for cattle, and hereabout is St. Patrick's Purgatory.

Not yet, Sib? My lord keeps thee so long, th'art welcome, I see, then. And pays sweetly too: a good wench,

She's come: a hundred mark a year, how fine and easy it comes into mine arms now! Welcome home; what

Ha, ha, ha, ha, I thank him for that bob, i'faith! I'll afford it him again at the same price a month hence, and let

the commodity grow as scarce as it will. Cuckold, says his lordship! Ha, ha, I shall burst my sides with

laughing, that's the worst! Name not a hundred [a] year, for then I burst! It smarts not so much as a fillip on

the forehead by five parts: what has his dalliance taken from thy lips? 'Tis as sweet as [e'er] 'twas; let me try

Bidden, bidden, bidden, bidden! So, all these are past; but here's as large a walk to come. If I do not get it up

[Reading] "Doctor Glister et" What word's this? Fuxor? Oh, uxor! "The doctor and his wife. Master Body

Here's forty couple more in this quarter, but there, the provision bringing in, that puzzles me most. One ox:

that will hardly serve for beef too. Five muttons, ten lambs: poor innocents, they'll be devoured too. Three

Two bushels of small birds, plovers, snipes, W.s, partridge, larks. Then for bak'd meats

Cry you mercy, sir, you and your wife are in my roll: my master invites you his guests tomorrow dinner.

Why, what ship has brought an India home to him that he's so bountiful? Or what friend dead, unknown to us,

Nay, 'tis a vessel, sir; a good estate comes all in one bottom to him, and 'tis a question whether ever he find

To go no further about the bush, sir, now the bird is caught: my master is tomorrow to be married, and

There is no other remedy for flesh and blood: that will have leave to play whether we will or no, or wander

Married! Why, he is married, man! His wife is in my house now; thy mistress is alive, George!

That she was, it may be, sir, but dead to him. She play'd a little too rough with him, and he has discarded her;

He divorc'd! Then is her labour sav'd, for she was labouring a divorce from him.

'Tis not my commission, I dare not. Fare you well, sir; I have much business in hand, and the time is short.

Truly a goodly presence, likely to bear great children, and great store; she never saw fiveandthirty

summers together in her life by her appearance, and comes in her French hood. By my fecks, a great match

'tis like to be; I am sorry for my old mistress but cannot help it. Pray you, excuse me now, sir, for all the

This and your cuckoldry will be digestion throughout the city dinners and suppers for a month together, there

No more of that, Sib. I'll call my cousin Chamlet and make her partaker of this sport.

She's come already. Cousin, take't at once, y'are a free woman; your late husband's to be married tomorrow.

To a French hood, byrlakins, as I understand; great cheer prepar'd, and great guests invited, so far I know.

What a curst wretch was I to pare my nails today, a Friday too! I look'd for some mischief.

Why, I did think this had accorded with your best liking; you sought for him what he has sought for you: a

I'll divorce 'em! Is he to be married to a French hood? I'll dress it the English fashion; ne'er a coach to be had

Good cousin, help me to whet one of my knives while I sharp the tother; give me a sour apple to set my teeth

on edge. I would give five pound for the paring of my nails again! Have you e'er a birdspit i' th' house? I'll

I care not who I hurt. Oh my heart, how it beats a' both sides! Will you run with me for a wager into Lombard

I'll walk with you, cousin, a sufficient pace; Sib shall come softly after. I'll bring you through Bearbinder

Bearbinder Lane cannot hold me; I'll the nearest way over St. Mildred's church. If I meet any French hoods

Madam, but stay here a little, my master comes instantly. I heard him say he did owe you a good turn, and

Look, he's here already. [Aside] Now would a skillful navigator take in his sails, for sure there is a storm

All quiet, goor friendsheep; ey mooch ado, ey strive wid him, give goor worda for you. No more speak a de

[Giving her money] Look, there's the price of a fair pair of gloves, and wear 'em for my sake.

Ey tank u artely, shall no bestow en gloves; shall put moosh more to dees, an bestow your shop. Regard dess

stof [a] my petticoat. U no soosh anodre; shall deal wid u for moosh: take in your hand.

Shall he take up her coats before my face? Oh, beastly creature! [Coming forward] French hood, French

I forbid the banes, lecher! And strumpet, thou shalt bear children without noses!

[Restraining her] Good cousin, forbid your rage a while; unless you hear, by what sense will you receive

By my hands and my teeth, sir, give me leave! Will you bind me whiles mine enemy kills me?

Wilt have two wives? Do and [be] hang'd, fornicator! I forbid the banes! Give me the French hood; I'll tread

For a new suit that you promised me, sir, if I could bring home my mistress; and I think she's come, with a

I shall hear worse of you hereafter then; limb for limb, one of my ears for one of your tongues, and I'll lay out

Enter Old Franklin in mourning, young Cressingham with young Franklin disguis'd like an old servingman.

Oh, this fellow was born near me, and his trading here i' th' city may bring me to the knowledge of the men

Your worship's welcome to London. And I pray, how does all our good friends i' th' country?

They are well, George. How thou art shot up since I saw thee! What, I think thou art almost out of thy time?

I am out of my wits, sir; I have liv'd in a kind of Bedlam these four years: how can I be mine own man then?

Oh, the wicked wit of woman! For the good turn I did bringing her home, she ne'er left sucking my master's

Yes, and the miserablest! Her sparing in housekeeping has cost him somewhat, the Daggerpies can testify.

She has stood in's light most miserably, like your fasting days before red letters in the almanac; saying, the

pinching of our bellies would be a mean to make him wear scarlet the sooner. She had once persuaded him to

have bought spectacles for all his servants, that they might have worn 'em dinner and supper.

Marry, to have made our victuals seem bigger than 'twas. She shows from whence she came; that my

Marry, from a courtier, and an officer too, that was up and down I know not how often.

Yes, a very high one, but he got little by it; he was one that blew the organ in the court chapel: our puritans,

Well, George, your difference may be reconcil'd. I am now to use your help in a business that concerns me:

here's a note of men's names here i' th' city unto whom my son ought money, but I do not know their

[Taking the note from him] Let me see, sir. [Reading] "Fifty pound ta'en up at use of Master Waterthin the

An obstinate fellow, and one that denied payment of the groats till he lay by th' heels for't; I know him.

[Reading] "Item, fourscore pair of provant breeches a' th' new fashion, to Pinchbuttock, a hosier in Birchen

Well, I'll read no further; leave the note to my discretion: do not fear but I'll inquire them all.

Why, I thank thee, George. [To Cressingham] Sir, rest assur'd I shall in all your business be faithful to you,

and at better leisure find time to imprint deeply in your father the wrong he has done you.

Yes, sir. My lady wonders you are thus chargeable to your father, and will not direct yourself unto some

Why, the law, that law that takes up most a' th' wits i' th' kingdom, not for most good, but most gain. Or

divinity: I have heard you talk well, and I do not think but you'd prove a singular fine churchman.

My lady, now she has money, is studying to do good works. She talk'd last night what a goodly act it was of a

countessNorthamptonshire breed, belike, or thereaboutsthat to make Coventry a corporation, rode

I do not think but you have ladies living would discover as much in private, to advance but some member of a

Thou com'st to chide me, hearing how like a ward I am handled since the sale of my land.

Why, I am become my wife's pensioner, am confin'd to a hundred mark a year, t' one suit, and one man to

Peace, sirrah; there is nothing but knave speaks in thee. And my two poor children must be put forth to

Sir, sir, pray, come hither. There is winter in your looks, a latter winter. Do you complain to your kindred? I'll

make you fear extremely to show you have any cause to fear. Are the bonds seal'd for the six thousand

Nothing strange; you'll think the allowance I have put you to as strange, but your judgment cannot reach the

aim I have in't. You were prick'd last year to be high sheriff, and what it would have cost you I understand

now. All this charge and the other by the sale of your land, and the money at my dispose, and your pension so

small, will settle you in quiet, make you master of a retir'd life. And our great ones may think you a politic

No, certain, but to persuade you to a thing that in the virtue of it nobly carries its own commendation, and

you shall gain much honour by it, which is the recompense of all virtuous actions: to use my father kindly.

Complain? Why should a king complain for anything but for his sins to heaven? The prerogative of husband

[Aside] Pander, wittol, macrio, base knave, bolsterbawd! Here is but five mark toward a hundred a year; this

is poor payment. If lords may be trusted no better than thus, I will go home and cut my wife's nose off. I will

turn over a new leaf and hang up the page. Lastly, I will put on a large pair of wetleather boots and drown

myself; I will sink at Queenhive and rise again at Charing Cross, contrary to the statute in Edwardo primo.

Exit. Enter Old Franklin, his son [Franklin disguised] as before, George, three or four citizens [as] Creditors.

Master Franklin, I heard of your arrival and the cause of this your sad appearance.

And 'tis no more than as your honour says, indeed, appearance: it has more form than feeling sorrow, sir, I

must confess. There's none of these gentlemen, though aliens in bonds, but have as large cause of grief as I.

No, by your favour, sir, we are well satisfied. There was in his life a greater hope, but less assurance.

Sir, I wish all my debts of no better promise to pay me thus; fifty in the hundred comes fairly homewards.

That's behind but one cause of worse condition; that done, he may sleep quietly.

Yes, sure, my lord, this gentleman is come a wonder to us all, that so fairly with half a loss could satisfy those

debts were dead, even with his son, and from whom we could have nothing claim'd.

I showed my reason; I would have a good name live after him because he bore my name.

May his tongue perish first, and that will spoil his trade, that first gives him a syllable of ill.

Master Franklin, I take it. These gentlemen I know well: good Pennystone, Master Phillip, Master Cheyney! I

am glad I shall take my leave of so many of my good friends at once. [Shaking their hands] Your hand first,

Yes, thy two hands, George, and I think two honest hands of a tradesman, George, as any between Cornhill

I have the cause in handling now, my lord: George, honest George is the cause, yet no cause of George's.

The loss of George, my lord! Make you that no cause? Why, but examine, would it not break the stout heart

Fie, fie, I'm sorry your gravity should run back to lightness thus. You go to the Bermothes!

The land of ire? That's too near home; my wife will be heard from Hellbree to Divelin.

Sir, I must of necessity a while detain you. I must acquaint you with a benefit that's coming towards you. You

were cheated of some goods of late; come, I'm a cunning man and will help you to the most part again, or

That's another cause of my unquiet life, sir. Can you do that, I may chance stay another tide or two.

My wife! I must speak more private with you. By forty foot, pain of death, I dare not reach her. No words of

Oh, my lord, I have scarce tongue enough yet to tell you; my husband, my husband's gone from me. Your

warrant, good my lord, I never had such need of your warrant; my husband's gone from me!

Going he is, 'tis true; h'as ta'en his leave of me, and all these gentlemen, and 'tis your sharp tongue that whips

You turn away his servants, such on whom his estate depends, he says, who know his books, his debts, his

customers; the form and order of all his affairs you make orderless. Chiefly, his George you have banish'd

Why, hark you, how highvoic'd you are that raise an echo from my cellarage, which we with modest

Why hark, your own tongue answers you, and reverberates your words into your teeth.

I will speak lower all the days of my life: I never found the fault in myself till now. Your warrant, good my

Well, well, it shall o'ertake him ere he pass Gravesend, provided that he meet his quietness at home; else, he's

I did forget myself indeed, my lord: this is my last fault; I will go make a silent inquiry after George. I will

whisper half a score porters in the ear that shall run softly up and down the city to seek him. [Be wi'] ye, my

George, your way lies before you now: cross the street and come into her eyes; your master's journey will be

I'll go no further; here is the honourable lord that I know will grant my request. My lord

Peace, I will make it plain to his lordship. My lord, a covenant by jus jurandum is between us: he is to

suffocate my respiration by his capistrum, and I to make incision so far as mortification by his jugulars.

I can, my lord; I know some part of the law. I am to take him in this place where I find him, and lead him

from hence to the place of execution, and there to hang him till he dies. He in equal courtesy is to cut my

There is the end, my lord, but we want the beginning. I stand upon it to be strangled first before I touch either

I am against it, for how shall I be sure to have my throat cut after he's hang'd?

A firm covenant, sign'd and seal'd by oath and handfast, and wants nothing but agreement.

My passions are grown to putrefaction, and my griefs are gangren'd; Master Chamlet has scarified me all

I am kept out of mine own castle; my wife keeps the hold against me. Your page, my lord, is her champion; I

summon'd a parle at the window, was answered with defiance. They confess they have lain together, but what

Sir, I can give you a better remedy than his capistrum; your ear a little. [Whispers to Beaufort.]

Enter Lady Cressingham in civil habit, Saunder, and children [Maria and Edward dressed] very gallant.

Nor I will not have you call my master plain husband, that's too [coarse]; but as your gentlewomen in the

country use and your [parsons'] wives in the town, 'tis comely and shall be customed in the city, call him

Yes, sir, or "bird," or "chuck," or "heart's ease," or plain "Rachel;" but call her "Rac" no more, as long as she

I will not be hang'd then; Knavesbee, do thy worst, nor I will not cut thy throat.

If thou com'st to my shop and usurp'st my chair of maintenance, I will go as near as I can, but I will not do't.

No, 'tis I must cut Knavesbee's throat, for slandering a modest gentlewoman, and my wife, in the shape of

No more of that, sir; if your ends have acquir'd their own events, crown 'em with your own joy.

Down, down, before you are hang'd; 'twill be [too] late afterwards, and long thou canst not 'scape it.