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THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND.........................................................................................................1

William Makepeace Thackeray...............................................................................................................1

When I came up to town for my second year, my aunt Hoggarty made me a present of a diamondpin; that is

to say, it was not a diamondpin then, but a large oldfashioned locket, of Dublin manufacture in the year

1795, which the late Mr. Hoggarty used to sport at the Lord Lieutenant's balls and elsewhere. He wore it, he

said, at the battle of Vinegar Hill, when his club pigtail saved his head from being taken off,but that is

In the middle of the brooch was Hoggarty in the scarlet uniform of the corps of Fencibles to which he

belonged; around it were thirteen locks of hair, belonging to a baker's dozen of sisters that the old gentleman

had; and, as all these little ringlets partook of the family hue of brilliant auburn, Hoggarty's portrait seemed to

the fanciful view like a great fat red round of beef surrounded by thirteen carrots. These were dished up on a

plate of blue enamel, and it was from the GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND (as we called it in the family)

My aunt, I need not say, is rich; and I thought I might be her heir as well as another. During my month's

holiday, she was particularly pleased with me; made me drink tea with her often (though there was a certain

person in the village with whom on those golden summer evenings I should have liked to have taken a stroll

in the hayfields); promised every time I drank her bohea to do something handsome for me when I went back

to town,nay, three or four times had me to dinner at three, and to whist or cribbage afterwards. I did not

care for the cards; for though we always played seven hours on a stretch, and I always lost, my losings were

never more than nineteenpence a night: but there was some infernal sour blackcurrant wine, that the old lady

always produced at dinner, and with the tray at ten o'clock, and which I dared not refuse; though upon my

Well, I thought after all this obsequiousness on my part, and my aunt's repeated promises, that the old lady

would at least make me a present of a score of guineas (of which she had a power in the drawer); and so

convinced was I that some such present was intended for me, that a young lady by the name of Miss Mary

Smith, with whom I had conversed on the subject, actually netted me a little green silk purse, which she gave

me (behind Hicks's hayrick, as you turn to the right up Churchyard Lane)which she gave me, I say,

wrapped up in a bit of silver paper. There was something in the purse, too, if the truth must be known. First

there was a thick curl of the glossiest blackest hair you ever saw in your life, and next there was threepence:

that is to say, the half of a silver sixpence hanging by a little necklace of blue riband. Ah, but I knew where

The last day of my holiday I was obliged, of course, to devote to Mrs. Hoggarty. My aunt was excessively

gracious; and by way of a treat brought out a couple of bottles of the black currant, of which she made me

drink the greater part. At night when all the ladies assembled at her party had gone off with their pattens and

their maids, Mrs. Hoggarty, who had made a signal to me to stay, first blew out three of the wax candles in

the drawingroom, and taking the fourth in her hand, went and unlocked her escritoire.

"Sam my dear," said she, as she was fumbling with her keys, "take another glass of Rosolio" (that was the

name by which she baptised the cursed beverage): "it will do you good." I took it, and you might have seen

my hand tremble as the bottle went clickclick against the glass. By the time I had swallowed it, the old

lady had finished her operations at the bureau, and was coming towards me, the waxcandle bobbing in one

"Samuel, my dear nephew," said she, "your first name you received from your sainted uncle, my blessed

husband; and of all my nephews and nieces, you are the one whose conduct in life has most pleased me."

When you consider that my aunt herself was one of seven married sisters, that all the Hoggarties were

married in Ireland and mothers of numerous children, I must say that the compliment my aunt paid me was a

"Dear aunt," says I, in a slow agitated voice, "I have often heard you say there were seventythree of us in

all, and believe me I do think your high opinion of me very complimentary indeed: I'm unworthy of

"As for those odious Irish people," says my aunt, rather sharply, "don't speak of them, I hate them, and every

one of their mothers" (the fact is, there had been a lawsuit about Hoggarty's property); "but of all my other

kindred, you, Samuel, have been the most dutiful and affectionate to me. Your employers in London give the

best accounts of your regularity and good conduct. Though you have had eighty pounds a year (a liberal

salary), you have not spent a shilling more than your income, as other young men would; and you have

devoted your month's holidays to your old aunt, who, I assure you, is grateful."

"Samuel," continued she, "I promised you a present, and here it is. I first thought of giving you money; but

you are a regular lad; and don't want it. You are above money, dear Samuel. I give you what I value most in

lifethe p,the po, the poortrait of my sainted Hoggarty" (tears), "set in the locket which contains the

valuable diamond that you have often heard me speak of. Wear it, dear Sam, for my sake; and think of that

She put the machine into my hands: it was about the size of the lid of a shavingbox: and I should as soon

have thought of wearing it as of wearing a cockedhat and pigtail. I was so disgusted and disappointed that I

When I recovered my presence of mind a little, I took the locket out of the bit of paper (the locket indeed! it

was as big as a barndoor padlock), and slowly put it into my shirt. "Thank you, Aunt," said I, with admirable

raillery. "I shall always value this present for the sake of you, who gave it me; and it will recall to me my

"I don't want you to wear it in THAT way!" shrieked Mrs. Hoggarty, "with the hair of those odious carroty

"Or suppose," said I, "I put aside the setting altogether: it is a little too large for the present fashion; and have

the portrait of my uncle framed and placed over my chimneypiece, next to yours. It's a sweet miniature."

"That miniature," said Mrs. Hoggarty, solemnly, "was the great Mulcahy's chefd'oeuvre" (pronounced shy

dewver, a favourite word of my aunt's; being, with the words bongtong and ally mode de Parry, the extent of

her French vocabulary). "You know the dreadful story of that poor poor artist. When he had finished that

wonderful likeness for the late Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty, county Mayo, she wore it in her bosom at

the Lord Lieutenant's ball, where she played a game of piquet with the CommanderinChief. What could

have made her put the hair of her vulgar daughters round Mick's portrait, I can't think; but so it was, as you

see it this day. 'Madam,' says the CommanderinChief, 'if that is not my friend Mick Hoggarty, I'm a

Dutchman!' Those were his Lordship's very words. Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty took off the brooch and

"'Who is the artist?' says my Lord. 'It's the most wonderful likeness I ever saw in my life!'

"'Begad, I patronise him!' says my Lord; but presently his face darkened, and he gave back the picture with a

dissatisfied air. 'There is one fault in that portrait,' said his Lordship, who was a rigid disciplinarian; 'and I

"'Madam, he has been painted WITHOUT HIS SWORDBELT!' And he took up the cards again in a

"The news was carried to Mr. Mulcahy the next day, and that unfortunate artist WENT MAD

IMMEDIATELY! He had set his whole reputation upon this miniature, and declared that it should be

faultless. Such was the effect of the announcement upon his susceptible heart! When Mrs. Hoggarty died,

your uncle took the portrait and always wore it himself. His sisters said it was for the sake of the diamond;

whereas, ungrateful things! it was merely on account of their hair, and his love for the fine arts. As for the

poor artist, my dear, some people said it was the profuse use of spirit that brought on delirium tremens; but I

The telling of this story always put my aunt into great goodhumour, and she promised at the end of it to pay

for the new setting of the diamond; desiring me to take it on my arrival in London to the great jeweller, Mr.

Polonius, and send her the bill. "The fact is," said she, "that the gold in which the thing is set is worth five

guineas at the very least, and you can have the diamond reset for two. However, keep the remainder, dear

With this the old lady bade me adieu. The clock was striking twelve as I walked down the village, for the

story of Mulcahy always took an hour in the telling, and I went away not quite so downhearted as when the

present was first made to me. "After all," thought I, "a diamondpin is a handsome thing, and will give me a

distingue air, though my clothes be never so shabby"and shabby they were without any doubt. "Well," I

said, "three guineas, which I shall have over, will buy me a couple of pairs of whatd'yecall 'ems;" of

which, entre nous, I was in great want, having just then done growing, whereas my pantaloons were made a

Well, I walked down the village, my hands in my breeches pockets; I had poor Mary's purse there, having

removed the little things which she gave me the day before, and placed themnever mind where: but look

you, in those days I had a heart, and a warm one too. I had Mary's purse ready for my aunt's donation, which

never came, and with my own little stock of money besides, that Mrs. Hoggarty's card parties had lessened by

a good fiveandtwenty shillings, I calculated that, after paying my fare, I should get to town with a couple

I walked down the village at a deuce of a pace; so quick that, if the thing had been possible, I should have

overtaken ten o'clock that had passed by me two hours ago, when I was listening to Mrs. H.'s long stories

over her terrible Rosolio. The truth is, at ten I had an appointment under a certain person's window, who was

to have been looking at the moon at that hour, with her pretty quilled nightcap on, and her blessed hair in

There was the window shut, and not so much as a candle in it; and though I hemmed and hawed, and whistled

over the garden paling, and sang a song of which Somebody was very fond, and even threw a pebble at the

window, which hit it exactly at the opening of the lattice,I woke no one except a great brute of a

housedog, that yelled, and howled, and bounced so at me over the rails, that I thought every moment he

So I was obliged to go off as quickly as might be; and the next morning Mamma and my sisters made

breakfast for me at four, and at five came the "True Blue" light sixinside postcoach to London, and I got

As we passed the house, it DID seem as if the window curtain in her room was drawn aside just a little bit.

Certainly the window was open, and it had been shut the night before: but away went the coach; and the

village, cottage, and the churchyard, and Hicks's hayricks were soon out of sight.

"My hi, what a pin!" said a stableboy, who was smoking a cigar, to the guard, looking at me and putting his

The fact is, that I had never undressed since my aunt's party; and being uneasy in mind and having all my

clothes to pack up, and thinking of something else, had quite forgotten Mrs. Hoggarty's brooch, which I had

The circumstances recorded in this story took place some score of years ago, when, as the reader may

remember, there was a great mania in the City of London for establishing companies of all sorts; by which

I was at this period, as the truth must be known, thirteenth clerk of twentyfour young gents who did the

immense business of the Independent West Diddlesex Fire and Life Insurance Company, at their splendid

stone mansion in Cornhill. Mamma had sunk a sum of four hundred pounds in the purchase of an annuity at

this office, which paid her no less than sixandthirty pounds a year, when no other company in London

would give her more than twentyfour. The chairman of the directors was the great Mr. Brough, of the house

of Brough and Hoff, Crutched Friars, Turkey Merchants. It was a new house, but did a tremendous business

in the fig and sponge way, and more in the Zante currant line than any other firm in the City.

Brough was a great man among the Dissenting connection, and you saw his name for hundreds at the head of

every charitable society patronised by those good people. He had nine clerks residing at his office in

Crutched Friars; he would not take one without a certificate from the schoolmaster and clergyman of his

native place, strongly vouching for his morals and doctrine; and the places were so run after, that he got a

premium of four or five hundred pounds with each young gent, whom he made to slave for ten hours a day,

and to whom in compensation he taught all the mysteries of the Turkish business. He was a great man on

'Change, too; and our young chaps used to hear from the stockbrokers' clerks (we commonly dined together at

the "Cock and Woolpack," a respectable house, where you get a capital cut of meat, bread, vegetables,

cheese, half a pint of porter, and a penny to the waiter, for a shilling)the young stockbrokers used to tell us

of immense bargains in Spanish, Greek, and Columbians, that Brough made. Hoff had nothing to do with

them, but stopped at home minding exclusively the business of the house. He was a young chap, very quiet

and steady, of the Quaker persuasion, and had been taken into partnership by Brough for a matter of thirty

thousand pounds: and a very good bargain too. I was told in the strictest confidence that the house one year

with another divided a good seven thousand pounds: of which Brough had half, Hoff twosixths, and the

other sixth went to old Tudlow, who had been Mr. Brough's clerk before the new partnership began. Tudlow

always went about very shabby, and we thought him an old miser. One of our gents, Bob Swinney by name,

used to say that Tudlow's share was all nonsense, and that Brough had it all; but Bob was always too knowing

by half, used to wear a green cutaway coat, and had his free admission to Covent Garden Theatre. He was

always talking down at the shop, as we called it (it wasn't a shop, but as splendid an office as any in

one of Charles Kemble's famous songs in "Maid Marian;" a play that was all the rage then, taken from a

famous storybook by one Peacock, a clerk in the India House; and a precious good place he has too.

When Brough heard how Master Swinney abused him, and had his admission to the theatre, he came one day

down to the office where we all were, fourandtwenty of us, and made one of the most beautiful speeches I

ever heard in my life. He said that for slander he did not care, contumely was the lot of every public man who

had austere principles of his own, and acted by them austerely; but what he DID care for was the character of

every single gentleman forming a part of the Independent West Diddlesex Association. The welfare of

thousands was in their keeping; millions of money were daily passing through their hands; the City the

country looked upon them for order, honesty, and good example. And if he found amongst those whom he

considered as his children those whom he loved as his own flesh and bloodthat that order was departed

from, that that regularity was not maintained, that that good example was not kept up (Mr. B. always spoke in

this emphatic way)if he found his children departing from the wholesome rules of morality, religion, and

decorumif he found in high or lowin the head clerk at six hundred a year down to the porter who

cleaned the stepsif he found the slightest taint of dissipation, he would cast the offender from himyea,

As he spoke this, Mr. Brough burst into tears; and we who didn't know what was coming, looked at each

other as pale as parsnips: all except Swinney, who was twelfth clerk, and made believe to whistle. When Mr.

B. had wiped his eyes and recovered himself, he turned round; and oh, how my heart thumped as he looked

me full in the face! How it was relieved, though, when he shouted out in a thundering voice

"Sir to you," says Swinney, as cool as possible, and some of the chaps began to titter.

"Mr. SWINNEY!" roared Brough, in a voice still bigger than before, "when you came into this officethis

family, sir, for such it is, as I am proud to sayyou found threeandtwenty as pious and wellregulated

young men as ever laboured togetheras ever had confided to them the wealth of this mighty capital and

famous empire. You found, sir, sobriety, regularity, and decorum; no profane songs were uttered in this place

sacred toto business; no slanders were whispered against the heads of the establishmentbut over them I

pass: I can afford, sir, to pass them byno worldly conversation or foul jesting disturbed the attention of

these gentlemen, or desecrated the peaceful scene of their labours. You found Christians and gentlemen, sir!"

"I paid for my place like the rest," said Swinney. "Didn't my governor take sha?"

"Silence, sir! Your worthy father did take shares in this establishment, which will yield him one day an

immense profit. He DID take shares, sir, or you never would have been here. I glory in saying that every one

of my young friends around me has a father, a brother, a dear relative or friend, who is connected in a similar

way with our glorious enterprise; and that not one of them is there but has an interest in procuring, at a liberal

commission, other persons to join the ranks of our Association. BUT, sir, I am its chief. You will find, sir,

your appointment signed by me; and in like manner, I, John Brough, annul it. Go from us, sir!leave

usquit a family that can no longer receive you in its bosom! Mr. Swinney, I have weptI have prayed, sir,

before I came to this determination; I have taken counsel, sir, and am resolved. DEPART FROM OUT OF

"My father be hanged! I tell you what, Brough, I'm of age; and if you don't pay me my salary, I'll arrest

"Make out a cheque, Mr. Roundhand, for the three months' salary of this perverted young man."

"Twentyone pun' five, Roundhand, and nothing for the stamp!" cried out that audacious Swinney. "There it

is, sir, REceipted. You needn't cross it to my banker's. And if any of you gents like a glass of punch this

evening at eight o'clock, Bob Swinney's your man, and nothing to pay. If Mr. Brough WOULD do me the

"Leave the room!" yelled Mr. Brough, whose face had turned quite blue; and so Bob took his white hat off

the peg, and strolled away with his "tile," as he called it, very much on one side. When he was gone, Mr.

Brough gave us another lecture, by which we all determined to profit; and going up to Roundhand's desk put

"The widow, sir, came with her money; nine hundred and four ten and sixsay 904L. 10S. 6D. Captain

Sparr, sir, paid his shares up; grumbles, though, and says he's no more: fifty shares, two instalmentsthree

Mr. Roundhand went through the book, and made it up nineteen hundred pounds in all. We were doing a

famous business now; though when I came into the office, we used to sit, and laugh, and joke, and read the

newspapers all day; bustling into our seats whenever a stray customer came. Brough never cared about our

laughing and singing THEN, and was hand and glove with Bob Swinney; but that was in early times, before

"Nineteen hundred pounds, and a thousand pounds in shares. Bravo, Roundhandbravo, gentlemen!

Remember, every share you bring in brings you five per cent. down on the nail! Look to your friends stick

to your desksbe regularI hope none of you forget church. Who takes Mr. Swinney's place?"

"Mr. Titmarsh, I congratulate you. Give me your hand, sir: you are now twelfth clerk of this Association, and

your salary is consequently increased five pounds a year. How is your worthy mother, siryour dear and

excellent parent? In good health I trust? And longlong, I fervently pray, may this office continue to pay her

annuity! Remember, if she has more money to lay out, there is higher interest than the last for her, for she is a

year older; and five per cent. for you, my boy! Why not you as well as another? Young men will be young

"Oh, no!" says Abednego, who was third clerk, and who was the chap that informed against Swinney; and he

began to laugh, as indeed we all did whenever Mr. Brough made anything like a joke: not that they WERE

"Oh, bythebye, Roundhand," says he, "a word with you on business. Mrs. Brough wants to know why the

"Butno buts, my boy! Hark ye! the Chancellor of the Exchequer does me the honour to dine with us, and I

want you to see him; for the truth is, I have bragged about you to his Lordship as the best actuary in the three

Roundhand could not refuse such an invitation as THAT, though he had told us how Mrs. R. and he were

going to pass Saturday and Sunday at Putney; and we who knew what a life the poor fellow led, were sure

that the head clerk would be prettily scolded by his lady when she heard what was going on. She disliked

Mrs. Brough very much, that was the fact; because Mrs. B. kept a carriage, and said she didn't know where

Pentonville was, and couldn't call on Mrs. Roundhand. Though, to be sure, her coachman might have found

"And oh, Roundhand!" continued our governor, "draw a cheque for seven hundred, will you! Come, don't

stare, man; I'm not going to run away! That's right,seven hundredand ninety, say, while you're about it!

Our board meets on Saturday, and never fear I'll account for it to them before I drive you down. We shall take

So saying, Mr. Brough folded up the cheque, and shaking hands with Mr. Roundhand very cordially, got into

his carriageandfour (he always drove four horses even in the City, where it's so difficult), which was

Bob Swinney used to say that he charged two of the horses to the Company; but there was never believing

half of what that Bob said, he used to laugh and joke so. I don't know how it was, but I and a gent by the

name of Hoskins (eleventh clerk), who lived together with me in Salisbury Square, Fleet Streetwhere we

occupied a very genteel twopairfound our flute duet rather tiresome that evening, and as it was a very

fine night, strolled out for a walk West End way. When we arrived opposite Covent Garden Theatre we found

ourselves close to the "Globe Tavern," and recollected Bob Swinney's hospitable invitation. We never fancied

that he had meant the invitation in earnest, but thought we might as well look in: at any rate there could be no

There, to be sure, in the back drawingroom, where he said he would be, we found Bob at the head of a table,

and in the midst of a great smoke of cigars, and eighteen of our gents rattling and banging away at the table

What a shout they made as we came in! "Hurray!" says Bob, "here's two more! Two more chairs, Mary, two

more tumblers, two more hot waters, and two more goes of gin! Who would have thought of seeing Tit, in the

At this word there was another tremendous roar: and it is a positive fact, that every man of the eighteen had

said he came by chance! However, chance gave us a very jovial night; and that hospitable Bob Swinney paid

"Gentlemen!" says he, as he paid the bill, "I'll give you the health of John Brough, Esquire, and thanks to him

for the present of 21L. 5s. which he made me this morning. What do I say21L. 5S.? That and a month's

salary that I should have had to pay forfeitdown on the nail, by Jingo! for leaving the shop, as I intended

to do tomorrow morning. I've got a placea tiptop place, I tell you. Five guineas a week, six journeys a

year, my own horse and gig, and to travel in the West of England in oil and spermaceti. Here's confusion to

gas, and the health of Messrs. Gann and Co., of Thames Street, in the City of London!"

I have been thus particular in my account of the West Diddlesex Insurance Office, and of Mr. Brough, the

managing director (though the real names are neither given to the office nor to the chairman, as you may be

sure), because the fate of me and my diamond pin was mysteriously bound up with both: as I am about to

You must know that I was rather respected among our gents at the West Diddlesex, because I came of a better

family than most of them; had received a classical education; and especially because I had a rich aunt, Mrs.

Hoggarty, about whom, as must be confessed, I used to boast a good deal. There is no harm in being

respected in this world, as I have found out; and if you don't brag a little for yourself, depend on it there is no

person of your acquaintance who will tell the world of your merits, and take the trouble off your hands.

So that when I came back to the office after my visit at home, and took my seat at the old daybook opposite

the dingy window that looks into Birchin Lane, I pretty soon let the fellows know that Mrs. Hoggarty, though

she had not given me a large sum of money, as I expectedindeed, I had promised a dozen of them a treat

down the river, should the promised riches have come to meI let them know, I say, that though my aunt

had not given me any money, she had given me a splendid diamond, worth at least thirty guineas, and that

"Oh, let's see it!" says Abednego, whose father was a mockjewel and goldlace merchant in Hanway Yard;

and I promised that he should have a sight of it as soon as it was set. As my pocketmoney was run out too (by

coachhire to and from home, five shillings to our maid at home, ten to my aunt's maid and man, fiveand

twenty shillings lost at whist, as I said, and fifteenandsix paid for a silver scissors for the dear little

fingers of Somebody), Roundhand, who was very goodnatured, asked me to dine, and advanced me 7L. 1S.

8D., a month's salary. It was at Roundhand's house, Myddelton Square, Pentonville, over a fillet of veal and

bacon and a glass of port, that I learned and saw how his wife illtreated him; as I have told before. Poor

fellow!we underclerks all thought it was a fine thing to sit at a desk by oneself, and have 50L. per month,

as Roundhand had; but I've a notion that Hoskins and I, blowing duets on the flute together in our second

floor in Salisbury Square, were a great deal more at ease than our headand more IN HARMONY, too;

One day Gus Hoskins and I asked leave from Roundhand to be off at three o'clock, as we had PARTICULAR

BUSINESS at the West End. He knew it was about the great Hoggarty diamond, and gave us permission; so

off we set. When we reached St. Martin's Lane, Gus got a cigar, to give himself as it were a distingue air, and

pulled at it all the way up the Lane, and through the alleys into Coventry Street, where Mr. Polonius's shop is,

The door was open, and a number of carriages full of ladies were drawing up and setting down. Gus kept his

hands in his pockets trousers were worn very full then, with large tucks, and pigeonholes for your boots, or

Bluchers, to come through (the fashionables wore boots, but we chaps in the City, on 80L. a year, contented

ourselves with Bluchers); and as Gus stretched out his pantaloons as wide as he could from his hips, and kept

blowing away at his cheroot, and clamping with the iron heels of his boots, and had very large whiskers for

so young a man, he really looked quite the genteel thing, and was taken by everybody to be a person of

He would not come into the shop though, but stood staring at the gold pots and kettles in the window outside.

I went in; and after a little hemming and hawingfor I had never been at such a fashionable place

"What can I do for you, sir?" says Mr. Polonius, who was standing close by, as it happened, serving three

ladies,a very old one and two young ones, who were examining pearl necklaces very attentively.

"Sir," said I, producing my jewel out of my coatpocket, "this jewel has, I believe, been in your house before:

it belonged to my aunt, Mrs. Hoggarty, of Castle Hoggarty." The old lady standing near looked round as I

"I sold her a gold neckchain and repeating watch in the year 1795," said Mr. Polonius, who made it a point

"The General," said I, "I am sorry to say"though I was quite proud that this man of fashion should address

me so."Mr. Hoggarty isno more. My aunt has made me a present, however, of thisthis

trinketwhich, as you see, contains her husband's portrait, that I will thank you, sir, to preserve for me very

"Neatly, in the present fashion; and send down the account to her. There is a great deal of gold about the

"To the last fraction of a sixpence," says Mr. Polonius, bowing, and looking at the jewel. "It's a wonderful

piece of goods, certainly," said he; "though the diamond's a neat little bit, certainly. Do, my Lady, look at it.

The thing is of Irish manufacture, bears the stamp of '95, and will recall perhaps the times of your Ladyship's

"Get ye out, Mr. Polonius!" said the old lady, a little wizenfaced old lady, with her face puckered up in a

million of wrinkles. "How DAR you, sir, to talk such nonsense to an old woman like me? Wasn't I fifty years

old in '95, and a grandmother in '96?" She put out a pair of withered trembling hands, took up the locket,

examined it for a minute, and then burst out laughing: "As I live, it's the great Hoggarty diamond!"

"Look, girls," continued the old lady: "this is the great jew'l of all Ireland. This redfaced man in the middle

is poor Mick Hoggarty, a cousin of mine, who was in love with me in the year '84, when I had just lost your

poor dear grandpapa. These thirteen sthreamers of red hair represent his thirteen celebrated sisters, Biddy,

Minny, Thedy, Widdy (short for Williamina), Freddy, Izzy, Tizzy, Mysie, Grizzy, Polly, Dolly, Nell, and

Bellall married, all ugly, and all carr'ty hair. And of which are you the son, young man?though, to do

Two pretty young ladies turned two pretty pairs of black eyes at me, and waited for an answer: which they

would have had, only the old lady began rattling on a hundred stories about the thirteen ladies above named,

and all their lovers, all their disappointments, and all the duels of Mick Hoggarty. She was a chronicle of

fiftyyearsold scandal. At last she was interrupted by a violent fit of coughing; at the conclusion of which

Mr. Polonius very respectfully asked me where he should send the pin, and whether I would like the hair

I had felt ashamed about telling my address: "But, bang it!" thought I, "why SHOULD I?

"Sir," says I, "have the goodness to send the parcel, when done, to Mr. Titmarsh, No. 3 Bell Lane, Salisbury

Square, near St. Bride's Church, Fleet Street. Ring, if you please, the twopair bell."

"HWAT!" shrieked the old lady. "Mr. Hwat? Mais, ma chere, c'est impayable. Come alonghere's the

carr'age! Give me your arm, Mr. Hwat, and get inside, and tell me all about your thirteen aunts."

She seized on my elbow and hobbled through the shop as fast as possible; the young ladies following her,

"Pooh, pooh! send 'um to the juice, and jump in!" And before almost I could say a word, a great powdered

I looked just for one minute as the barouche drove away at Hoskins, and never shall forget his figure. There

stood Gus, his mouth wide open, his eyes staring, a smoking cheroot in his hand, wondering with all his

"Who IS that Titmarsh?" says Gus: "there's a coronet on the carriage, by Jingo!"

I sat on the back seat of the carriage, near a very nice young lady, about my dear Mary's agethat is to say,

seventeen and threequarters; and opposite us sat the old Countess and her other granddaughterhandsome

too, but ten years older. I recollect I had on that day my blue coat and brass buttons, nankeen trousers, a white

sprig waistcoat, and one of Dando's silk hats, that had just come in in the year '22, and looked a great deal

"And who was that hidjus manster"that was the way her Ladyship pronounced,"that ojous vulgar

wretch, with the iron heels to his boots, and the big mouth, and the imitation goold neckchain, who

How she should have known that Gus's chain was mosaic I can't tell; but so it was, and we had bought it for

fiveandtwenty and sixpence only the week before at M'Phail's, in St. Paul's Churchyard. But I did not like

"Ma'am," says I, "that young gentleman's name is Augustus Hoskins. We live together; and a better or more

"You are quite right to stand up for your friends, sir," said the second lady; whose name, it appears, was Lady

"Well, upon me conscience, so he is now, Lady Jene; and I like sper't in a young man. So his name is

Hoskins, is it? I know, my dears, all the Hoskinses in England. There are the Lincolnshire Hoskinses, the

Shropshire Hoskinses: they say the Admiral's daughter, Bell, was in love with a black footman, or boatswain,

or some such thing; but the world's so censorious. There's old Doctor Hoskins of Bath, who attended poor

dear Drum in the quinsy; and poor dear old Fred Hoskins, the gouty General: I remember him as thin as a lath

in the year '84, and as active as a harlequin, and in love with meoh, how he was in love with me!"

"You seem to have had a host of admirers in those days, Grandmamma?" said Lady Jane.

"Hundreds, my dear,hundreds of thousands. I was the toast of Bath, and a great beauty, too: would you

ever have thought it now, upon your conscience and without flattery, Mr.aWhatd'yecall 'im?"

"Indeed, ma'am, I never should," I answered, for the old lady was as ugly as possible; and at my saying this

the two young ladies began screaming with laughter, and I saw the two greatwhiskered footmen grinning

"Upon my word, you're mighty candid, Mr. What'syournamemighty candid indeed; but I like candour in

young people. But a beauty I was. Just ask your friend's uncle the General. He's one of the Lincolnshire

HoskinsesI knew he was by the strong family likeness. Is he the eldest son? It's a pretty property, though

sadly encumbered; for old Sir George was the divvle of a mana friend of Hanbury Williams, and Lyttleton,

and those horrid, monstrous, ojous people! How much will he have now, mister, when the Admiral dies?"

"Not his father?but he IS, I tell you, and I'm never wrong. Who is his father, then?"

"Ma'am, Gus's father's a leatherseller in Skinner Street, Snow Hill,a very respectable house, ma'am. But

"I like you, sir," Lady Jane said, "for not being ashamed of your friends, whatever their rank of life may be.

"Noways particular, my Lady," says I. "We have a holiday at our office todayat least Roundhand gave me

and Gus leave; and I shall be very happy, indeed, to take a drive in the Park, if it's no offence."

"I'm sure it will give usinfinite pleasure," said Lady Jane; though rather in a grave way.

"Oh, that it will!" says Lady Fanny, clapping her hands: "won't it, Grandmamma? And after we have been in

the Park, we can walk in Kensington Gardens, if Mr. Titmarsh will be good enough to accompany us."

"Indeed, but we will though!" shrieked out Lady Drum. "Ain't I dying to know everything about his uncle and

thirteen aunts? and you're all chattering so, you young women, that not a blessed syllable will you allow me

Lady Jane gave a shrug with her shoulders, and did not say a single word more. Lady Fanny, who was as gay

as a young kitten (if I may be allowed so to speak of the aristocracy), laughed, and blushed, and giggled, and

seemed quite to enjoy her sister's illhumour. And the Countess began at once, and entered into the history of

the thirteen Misses Hoggarty, which was not near finished when we entered the Park.

When there, you can't think what hundreds of gents on horseback came to the carriage and talked to the

ladies. They had their joke for Lady Drum, who seemed to be a character in her way; their bow for Lady

Though she bowed and blushed, as a young lady should, Lady Fanny seemed to be thinking of something

else; for she kept her head out of the carriage, looking eagerly among the horsemen, as if she expected to see

somebody. Aha! my Lady Fanny, I knew what it meant when a young pretty lady like you was absent, and on

the lookout, and only half answered the questions put to her. Let alone Sam Titmarshhe knows what

Somebody means as well as another, I warrant. As I saw these manoeuvres going on, I could not help just

giving a wink to Lady Jane, as much as to say I knew what was what. "I guess the young lady is looking for

Somebody," says I. It was then her turn to look queer, I assure you, and she blushed as red as scarlet; but,

after a minute, the goodnatured little thing looked at her sister, and both the young ladies put their

handkerchiefs up to their faces, and began laughinglaughing as if I had said the funniest thing in the world.

"Il est charmant, votre monsieur," said Lady Jane to her grandmamma; and on which I bowed, and said,

"Madame, vous me faites beaucoup d'honneur:" for I know the French language, and was pleased to find that

these good ladies had taken a liking to me. "I'm a poor humble lad, ma'am, not used to London society, and

do really feel it quite kind of you to take me by the hand so, and give me a drive in your fine carriage."

At this minute a gentleman on a black horse, with a pale face and a tuft to his chin, came riding up to the

carriage; and I knew by a little start that Lady Fanny gave, and by her instantly looking round the other way,

"Lady Drum," said he, "your most devoted servant! I have just been riding with a gentleman who almost shot

himself for love of the beautiful Countess of Drum in the yearnever mind the year."

"Was it Killblazes?" said the lady: "he's a dear old man, and I'm quite ready to go off with him this minute.

Or was it that delight of an old bishop? He's got a lock of my hair nowI gave it him when he was Papa's

chaplain; and let me tell you it would be a hard matter to find another now in the same place."

"But indeed I do, my good sir," says she; "for between ourselves, my head's as bare as a cannonballask

Fanny if it isn't. Such a fright as the poor thing got when she was a babby, and came upon me suddenly in my

"I hope Lady Fanny has recovered from the shock," said "Somebody," looking first at her, and then at me as

if he had a mind to swallow me. And would you believe it? all that Lady Fanny could say was, "Pretty well, I

thank you, my Lord;" and she said this with as much fluttering and blushing as we used to say our Virgil at

My Lord still kept on looking very fiercely at me, and muttered something about having hoped to find a seat

in Lady Drum's carriage, as he was tired of riding; on which Lady Fanny muttered something, too, about "a

"You should say a friend of yours, Fanny," says Lady Jane: "I am sure we should never have come to the

Park if Fanny had not insisted upon bringing Mr. Titmarsh hither. Let me introduce the Earl of Tiptoff to Mr.

Titmarsh." But, instead of taking off his hat, as I did mine, his Lordship growled out that he hoped for another

opportunity, and galloped off again on his black horse. Why the deuce I should have offended him I never

But it seemed as if I was destined to offend all the men that day; for who should presently come up but the

Right Honourable Edmund Preston, one of His Majesty's Secretaries of State (as I know very well by the

The Right Honourable Edmund was riding a grey cob, and was a fat palefaced man, who looked as if he

never went into the open air. "Who the devil's that?" said he to his wife, looking surlily both at me and her.

"Oh, it's a friend of Grandmamma's and Jane's," said Lady Fanny at once, looking, like a sly rogue as she

was, quite archly at her sisterwho in her turn appeared quite frightened, and looked imploringly at her

sister, and never dared to breathe a syllable. "Yes, indeed," continued Lady Fanny, "Mr. Titmarsh is a cousin

of Grandmamma's by the mother's side: by the Hoggarty side. Didn't you know the Hoggarties when you

were in Ireland, Edmund, with Lord Bagwig? Let me introduce you to Grandmamma's cousin, Mr. Titmarsh:

There was Lady Jane all the time treading upon her sister's foot as hard as possible, and the little wicked thing

would take no notice; and I, who had never heard of the cousinship, feeling as confounded as could be. But I

did not know the Countess of Drum near so well as that sly minx her granddaughter did; for the old lady,

who had just before called poor Gus Hoskins her cousin, had, it appeared, the mania of fancying all the world

"Yes, we're cousins, and not very far removed. Mick Hoggarty's grandmother was Millicent Brady, and she

and my Aunt Towzer were related, as all the world knows; for Decimus Brady, of Ballybrady, married an

own cousin of Aunt Towzer's mother, Bell Swiftthat was no relation of the Dean's, my love, who came but

"Oh, perfectly, Grandmamma," said Lady Jane, laughing, while the right honourable gent still rode by us,

"And sure you knew the Hoggarties, Edmund?the thirteen redhaired girlsthe nine graces, and four

over, as poor Clanboy used to call them. Poor Clan!a cousin of yours and mine, Mr. Titmarsh, and sadly in

love with me he was too. Not remember them ALL now, Edmund?not remember?not remember Biddy

and Minny, and Thedy and Widdy, and Mysie and Grizzy, and Polly and Dolly and the rest?"

"D the Miss Hoggarties, ma'am," said the right honourable gent; and he said it with such energy, that his

grey horse gave a sudden lash out that well nigh sent him over his head. Lady Jane screamed; Lady Fanny

laughed; old Lady Drum looked as if she did not care twopence, and said "Serve you right for swearing, you

"Hadn't you better come into the carriage, EdmundMr. Preston?" cried out the lady, anxiously.

"Poohpooh! don't stir," said Lady Drum: "it's my carriage; and if Mr. Preston chooses to swear at a lady of

my years in that ojous vulgar wayin that ojous vulgar way I repeatI don't see why my friends should be

inconvenienced for him. Let him sit on the dicky if he likes, or come in and ride bodkin." It was quite clear

that my Lady Drum hated her grandsoninlaw heartily; and I've remarked somehow in families that this

Mr. Preston, one of His Majesty's Secretaries of State, was, to tell the truth, in a great fright upon his horse,

and was glad to get away from the kicking plunging brute. His pale face looked still paler than before, and his

hands and legs trembled, as he dismounted from the cob and gave the reins to his servant. I disliked the looks

of the chapof the master, I meanat the first moment he came up, when he spoke rudely to that nice

gentle wife of his; and I thought he was a cowardly fellow, as the adventure of the cob showed him to be.

Heaven bless you! a baby could have ridden it; and here was the man with his soul in his mouth at the very

"Oh, quick! DO come in, Edmund," said Lady Fanny, laughing; and the carriage steps being let down, and

giving me a great scowl as he came in, he was going to place himself in Lady Fanny's corner (I warrant you I

wouldn't budge from mine), when the little rogue cried out, "Oh, no! by no means, Mr. Preston. Shut the

door, Thomas. And oh! what fun it will be to show all the world a Secretary of State riding bodkin!"

"Oh no! Pray, madam, don't stir! I'm comfortable, very comfortable; and so I hope is this Mr.this

"Perfectly, I assure you," says I. "I was going to offer to ride your horse home for you, as you seemed to be

rather frightened at it; but the fact was, I was so comfortable here that really I COULDN'T move."

Such a grin as old Lady Drum gave when I said that!how her little eyes twinkled, and her little sly mouth

"We shall always be happy of your company, Cousin Titmarsh," says she; and handed me a gold snuffbox,

"As you have invited this gentleman into your carriage, Lady Jane Preston, hadn't you better invite him home

"I invited him into my carriage," says the old lady; "and as we are going to dine at your house, and you press

"Oh, indeed, what a pity!" says Right Honourable Ned, still glowering at his wife. "What a pity that this

gentlemanI forget his namethat your friend, Lady Jane, is engaged! I am sure you would have had such

Lady Drum was overfond of finding out relations to be sure; but this speech of Right Honourable Ned's was

rather too much. "Now, Sam," says I, "be a man and show your spirit!" So I spoke up at once, and said,

"Why, ladies, as the right honourable gent is so VERY pressing, I'll give up my engagement, and shall have

He didn't condescend to answer, and for me I did not care; for, you see, I did not intend to dine with the man,

but only to give him a lesson of manners. For though I am but a poor fellow, and hear people cry out how

vulgar it is to eat peas with a knife, or ask three times for cheese, and such like points of ceremony, there's

something, I think, much more vulgar than all this, and that is, insolence to one's inferiors. I hate the chap that

uses it, as I scorn him of humble rank that affects to be of the fashion; and so I determined to let Mr. Preston

When the carriage drove up to his house, I handed out the ladies as politely as possible, and walked into the

hall, and then, taking hold of Mr. Preston's button at the door, I said, before the ladies and the two big

servantsupon my word I did"Sir," says I, "this kind old lady asked me into her carriage, and I rode in it

to please her, not myself. When you came up and asked who the devil I was, I thought you might have put the

question in a more polite manner; but it wasn't my business to speak. When, by way of a joke, you invited me

to dinner, I thought I would answer in a joke too, and here I am. But don't be frightened; I'm not agoing to

dine with you: only if you play the same joke upon other parties on some of the chaps in our office, for

"Is that all, sir?" says Mr. Preston, still in a rage. "If you have done, will you leave this house, or shall my

servants turn you out? Turn out this fellow! do you hear me?" and he broke away from me, and flung into his

"He's an ojous horrid monsther of a man, that husband of yours!" said Lady Drum, seizing hold of her elder

granddaughter's arm, "and I hate him; and so come away, for the dinner'll be getting cold:" and she was for

hurrying away Lady Jane without more ado. But that kind lady, coming forward, looking very pale and

trembling, said, "Mr. Titmarsh, I do hope you'll not be angrythat is, that you'll forget what has happened,

Very great what, I never could say, for here the poor thing's eyes filled with tears; and Lady Drum crying out

"Tut, tut! none of this nonsense," pulled her away by the sleeve, and went upstairs. But little Lady Fanny

walked boldly up to me, and held me out her little hand, and gave mine such a squeeze and said, "Goodbye,

my dear Mr. Titmarsh," so very kindly, that I'm blest if I did not blush up to the ears, and all the blood in my

So, when she was gone, I clapped my hat on my head, and walked out of the halldoor, feeling as proud as a

peacock and as brave as a lion; and all I wished for was that one of those saucy grinning footmen should say

or do something to me that was the least uncivil, so that I might have the pleasure of knocking him down,

with my best compliments to his master. But neither of them did me any such favour! and I went away and

I did not think it was proper to tell Gus (who, between ourselves, is rather curious, and inclined to

tittletattle) all the particulars of the family quarrel of which I had been the cause and witness, and so just

said that the old lady("They were the Drum arms," says Gus; "for I went and looked them out that minute

in the 'Peerage'")that the old lady turned out to be a cousin of mine, and that she had taken me to drive in

the Park. Next day we went to the office as usual, when you may be sure that Hoskins told everything of what

had happened, and a great deal more; and somehow, though I did not pretend to care sixpence about the

matter, I must confess that I WAS rather pleased that the gents in our office should hear of a part of my

But fancy my surprise, on coming home in the evening, to find Mrs. Stokes the landlady, Miss Selina Stokes

her daughter, and Master Bob Stokes her son (an idle young vagabond that was always playing marbles on St.

Bride's steps and in Salisbury Square),when I found them all bustling and tumbling up the steps before me

to our rooms on the second floor, and there, on the table, between our two flutes on one side, my album,

A basket of great red peaches, looking like the cheeks of my dear Mary Smith. 1.

An enormous piece of raw mutton, as I thought it was; but Mrs. Stokes said it was the primest haunch

"Sich a carriage!" says Mrs. Stokes (for that was the way the poor thing spoke). "Sich a carriageall over

coronites! sich liveries two great footmen, with red whiskers and yellowplush smallclothes; and inside, a

very old lady in a white poke bonnet, and a young one with a great Leghorn hat and blue ribands, and a great

"'Pray, madam, does Mr. Titmarsh live here?' says the young lady, with her clear voice.

"'Yes, my Lady,' says I; 'but he's at the officethe West Diddlesex Fire and Life Office, Cornhill.'

"'Yes, my Lord,' says Charles; and brings me out the haunch in a newspaper, and on the chany dish as you see

"'Have the kindness, madam,' says my Lord, 'to take these things to Mr. Titmarsh's rooms, with our, with

Lady Jane Preston's compliments, and request his acceptance of them;' and then he pulled out the cards on

And herewith Mrs. Stokes gave me a letter, which my wife keeps to this day, by the way, and which runs

"The Earl of Tiptoff has been commissioned by Lady Jane Preston to express her sincere regret and

disappointment that she was not able yesterday to enjoy the pleasure of Mr. Titmarsh's company. Lady Jane

is about to leave town immediately: she will therefore be unable to receive her friends in Whitehall Place this

season. But Lord Tiptoff trusts that Mr. Titmarsh will have the kindness to accept some of the produce of her

Ladyship's garden and park; with which, perhaps, he will entertain some of those friends in whose favour he

Along with this was a little note, containing the words "Lady Drum at home. Friday evening, June 17." And

I did not send back the venison: as why should I? Gus was for sending it at once to Brough, our director; and

"But no," says I; "we'll ask Bob Swinney and halfadozen more of our gents; and we'll have a merry night

of it on Saturday." And a merry night we had too; and as we had no wine in the cupboard, we had plenty of

ale, and ginpunch afterwards. And Gus sat at the foot of the table, and I at the head; and we sang songs, both

comic and sentimental, and drank toasts; and I made a speech that there is no possibility of mentioning here,

because, entre nous, I had quite forgotten in the morning everything that had taken place after a certain period

I did not go to the office till halfanhour after opening time on Monday. If the truth must be told, I was not

sorry to let Hoskins have the start of me, and tell the chaps what had taken place,for we all have our little

When I came in, I saw my business had been done, by the way in which the chaps looked at me; especially

Abednego, who offered me a pinch out of his gold snuffbox the very first thing. Roundhand shook me, too,

warmly by the hand, when he came round to look over my daybook, said I wrote a capital hand (and indeed

I believe I do, without any sort of flattery), and invited me for dinner next Sunday, in Myddelton Square.

"You won't have," said he, "quite such a grand turnout as with YOUR FRIENDS AT THE WEST

END"he said this with a particular accent"but Amelia and I are always happy to see a friend in our plain

He answered that I was very polite, and that he should be very happy to see Hoskins; and we went

accordingly at the appointed day and hour; but though Gus was eleventh clerk and I twelfth, I remarked that

at dinner I was helped first and best. I had twice as many forcemeat balls as Hoskins in my mockturtle, and

pretty nearly all the oysters out of the sauceboat. Once, Roundhand was going to help Gus before me; when

his wife, who was seated at the head of the table, looking very big and fierce in red crape and a turban,

shouted out, "ANTONY!" and poor R. dropped the plate, and blushed as red as anything. How Mrs. R. did

talk to me about the West End to be sure! She had a "Peerage," as you may be certain, and knew everything

about the Drum family in a manner that quite astonished me. She asked me how much Lord Drum had a year;

whether I thought he had twenty, thirty, forty, or a hundred and fifty thousand a year; whether I was invited to

Drum Castle; what the young ladies wore, and if they had those odious gigot sleeves which were just coming

in then; and here Mrs. R. looked at a pair of large mottled arms that she was very proud of.

"I say, Sam my boy!" cried, in the midst of our talk, Mr. Roundhand, who had been passing the portwine

round pretty freely, "I hope you looked to the main chance, and put in a few shares of the West

"Mr. Roundhand, have you put up the decanters downstairs?" cries the lady, quite angry, and wishing to stop

"Don't Milly me, sir! and have the goodness to go down and tell Lancy my maid" (a look at me) "to make the

tea in the study. We have a gentleman here who is not USED to Pentonville ways" (another look); "but he

won't mind the ways of FRIENDS." And here Mrs. Roundhand heaved her very large chest, and gave me a

third look that was so severe, that I declare to goodness it made me look quite foolish. As to Gus, she never

so much as spoke to him all the evening; but he consoled himself with a great lot of muffins, and sat most of

the evening (it was a cruel hot summer) whistling and talking with Roundhand on the verandah. I think I

should like to have been with them,for it was very close in the room with that great big Mrs. Roundhand

"Do you recollect what a jolly night we had here last summer?" I heard Hoskins say, who was leaning over

the balcony, and ogling the girls coming home from church. "You and me with our coats off, plenty of cold

But Milly didn't hear: for she was occupied in telling me an immense long story about her waltzing with the

Count de Schloppenzollern at the City ball to the Allied Sovereigns; and how the Count had great large white

moustaches; and how odd she thought it to go whirling round the room with a great man's arm round your

waist. "Mr. Roundhand has never allowed it since our marriage never; but in the year 'fourteen it was

considered a proper compliment, you know, to pay the sovereigns. So twentynine young ladies, of the best

families in the City of London, I assure you, Mr. Titmarshthere was the Lord Mayor's own daughters;

Alderman Dobbins's gals; Sir Charles Hopper's three, who have the great house in Baker Street; and your

humble servant, who was rather slimmer in those daystwentynine of us had a dancingmaster on

purpose, and practised waltzing in a room over the Egyptian Hall at the Mansion House. He was a splendid

"I am sure, ma'am," says I, "he had a splendid partner!" and blushed up to my eyes when I said it.

"Get away, you naughty creature!" says Mrs. Roundhand, giving me a great slap: "you're all the same, you

men in the West Endall deceivers. The Count was just like you. Heigho! Before you marry, it's all honey

and compliments; when you win us, it's all coldness and indifference. Look at Roundhand, the great baby,

trying to beat down a butterfly with his yellow bandanna! Can a man like THAT comprehend me? can he fill

the void in my heart?" (She pronounced it without the h; but that there should be no mistake, laid her hand

upon the place meant.) "Ah, no! Will YOU be so neglectful when YOU marry, Mr. Titmarsh?"

As she spoke, the bells were just tolling the people out of church, and I fell athinking of my dear dear Mary

Smith in the country, walking home to her grandmother's, in her modest grey cloak, as the bells were chiming

and the air full of the sweet smell of the hay, and the river shining in the sun, all crimson, purple, gold, and

silver. There was my dear Mary a hundred and twenty miles off, in Somersetshire, walking home from

church along with Mr. Snorter's family, with which she came and went; and I was listening to the talk of this

I could not help feeling for a certain half of a sixpence that you have heard me speak of; and putting my hand

mechanically upon my chest, I tore my fingers with the point of my new DIAMONDPIN. Mr. Polonius had

sent it home the night before, and I sported it for the first time at Roundhand's to dinner.

"It's a beautiful diamond," said Mrs. Roundhand. "I have been looking at it all dinnertime. How rich you

must be to wear such splendid things! and how can you remain in a vulgar office in the Cityyou who have

The woman had somehow put me in such a passion that I bounced off the sofa, and made for the balcony

without answering a word,ay, and half broke my head against the sash, too, as I went out to the gents in the

open air. "Gus," says I, "I feel very unwell: I wish you'd come home with me." And Gus did not desire

anything better; for he had ogled the last girl out of the last church, and the night was beginning to fall.

"What! already?" said Mrs. Roundhand; "there is a lobster coming up,a trifling refreshment; not what he's

I am sorry to say I nearly said, "D the lobster!" as Roundhand went and whispered to her that I was ill.

"Ay," said Gus, looking very knowing. "Recollect, Mrs. R., that he was AT THE WEST END on Thursday,

asked to dine, ma'am, with the tiptop nobs. Chaps don't dine at the West End for nothing, do they, R.? If you

"Not in my house of a Sunday," said Mrs. R., looking very fierce and angry. "Not a card shall be touched

"There shall be NO game at all in the house of a Sabbath eve," said Mrs. Roundhand; and out she flounced

"Do stay," said the husband, looking very much frightened,"do stay. She won't come back while you're

But we wouldn't: and when we reached Salisbury Square, I gave Gus a lecture about spending his Sundays

idly; and read out one of Blair's sermons before we went to bed. As I turned over in bed, I could not help

thinking about the luck the pin had brought me; and it was not over yet, as you will see in the next chapter.

To tell the truth, though, about the pin, although I mentioned it almost the last thing in the previous chapter, I

assure you it was by no means the last thing in my thoughts. It had come home from Mr. Polonius's, as I said,

on Saturday night; and Gus and I happened to be out enjoying ourselves, halfprice, at Sadler's Wells; and

perhaps we took a little refreshment on our way back: but that has nothing to do with my story.

On the table, however, was the little box from the jeweller's; and when I took it out,MY, how the diamond

"I'm sure it would light up the room of itself," says Gus. "I've read they do inin history."

It was in the history of Cogia Hassan Alhabbal, in the "Arabian Nights," as I knew very well. But we put the

"Well, I declare to goodness it does illuminate the old place!" says Gus; but the fact was, that there was a

gaslamp opposite our window, and I believe that was the reason why we could see pretty well. At least in

my bedroom, to which I was obliged to go without a candle, and of which the window looked out on a dead

wall, I could not see a wink, in spite of the Hoggarty diamond, and was obliged to grope about in the dark for

a pincushion which Somebody gave me (I don't mind owning it was Mary Smith), and in which I stuck it for

the night. But, somehow, I did not sleep much for thinking of it, and woke very early in the morning; and, if

the truth must be told, stuck it in my nightgown, like a fool, and admired myself very much in the glass.

Gus admired it as much as I did; for since my return, and especially since my venison dinner and drive with

Lady Drum, he thought I was the finest fellow in the world, and boasted about his "West End friend"

As we were going to dine at Roundhand's, and I had no black satin stock to set it off, I was obliged to place it

in the frill of my best shirt, which tore the muslin sadly, by the way. However, the diamond had its effect on

my entertainers, as we have seen; rather too much perhaps on one of them; and next day I wore it down at the

office, as Gus would make me do; though it did not look near so well in the second day's shirt as on the first

The chaps at the West Diddlesex all admired it hugely, except that snarling Scotchman M'Whirter, fourth

clerk,out of envy because I did not think much of a great yellow stone, named a carumgorum, or some

such thing, which he had in a snuffmull, as he called it, all except M'Whirter, I say, were delighted with

it; and Abednego himself, who ought to know, as his father was in the line, told me the jewel was worth at

"That's a proof," says Roundhand, "that Tit's diamond is worth at least thirty." And we all laughed, and

Now I must confess that all these praises, and the respect that wag paid me, turned my head a little; and as all

the chaps said I MUST have a black satin stock to set the stone off, was fool enough to buy a stock that cost

me fiveandtwenty shillings, at Ludlam's in Piccadilly: for Gus said I must go to the best place, to be sure,

and have none of our cheap and common East End stuff. I might have had one for sixteen and six in

Cheapside, every whit as good; but when a young lad becomes vain, and wants to be fashionable, you see he

Our director, Mr. Brough, did not fail to hear of the haunch of venison business, and my relationship with

Lady Drum and the Right Honourable Edmund Preston: only Abednego, who told him, said I was her

Ladyship's first cousin; and this made Brough think more of me, and no worse than before.

Mr. B. was, as everybody knows, Member of Parliament for Rottenburgh; and being considered one of the

richest men in the City of London, used to receive all the great people of the land at his villa at Fulham; and

Well, the pin certainly worked wonders: for not content merely with making me a present of a ride in a

countess's carriage, of a haunch of venison and two baskets of fruit, and the dinner at Roundhand's above

described, my diamond had other honours in store for me, and procured me the honour of an invitation to the

Once a year, in June, that honourable gent gave a grand ball at his house at Fulham; and by the accounts of

the entertainment brought back by one or two of our chaps who had been invited, it was one of the most

magnificent things to be seen about London. You saw Members of Parliament there as thick as peas in July,

lords and ladies without end. There was everything and everybody of the tiptop sort; and I have heard that

Mr. Gunter, of Berkeley Square, supplied the ices, supper, and footmen,though of the latter Brough kept a

plenty, but not enough to serve the host of people who came to him. The party, it must be remembered, was

MRS. Brough's party, not the gentleman's,he being in the Dissenting way, would scarcely sanction any

entertainments of the kind: but he told his City friends that his lady governed him in everything; and it was

generally observed that most of them would allow their daughters to go to the ball if asked, on account of the

immense number of the nobility which our director assembled together: Mrs. Roundhand, I know, for one,

would have given one of her ears to go; but, as I have said before, nothing would induce Brough to ask her.

Roundhand himself, and Gutch, nineteenth clerk, son of the brother of an East Indian director, were the only

two of our gents invited, as we knew very well: for they had received their invitations many weeks before,

and bragged about them not a little. But two days before the ball, and after my diamondpin had had its due

effect upon the gents at the office, Abednego, who had been in the directors' room, came to my desk with a

great smirk, and said, "Tit, Mr. B. says that he expects you will come down with Roundhand to the ball on

Thursday." I thought Moses was joking,at any rate, that Mr. B.'s message was a queer one; for people don't

usually send invitations in that abrupt peremptory sort of way; but, sure enough, he presently came down

himself and confirmed it, saying, as he was going out of the office, "Mr. Titmarsh, you will come down on

"West End again!" says that Gus Hoskins; and accordingly down I went, taking a place in a cab which

Roundhand hired for himself, Gutch, and me, and for which he very generously paid eight shillings.

There is no use to describe the grand gala, nor the number of lamps in the lodge and in the garden, nor the

crowd of carriages that came in at the gates, nor the troops of curious people outside; nor the ices, fiddlers,

wreaths of flowers, and cold supper within. The whole description was beautifully given in a fashionable

paper, by a reporter who observed the same from the "Yellow Lion" over the way, and told it in his journal in

the most accurate manner; getting an account of the dresses of the great people from their footmen and

coachmen, when they came to the alehouse for their porter. As for the names of the guests, they, you may be

sure, found their way to the same newspaper: and a great laugh was had at my expense, because among the

titles of the great people mentioned my name appeared in the list of the "Honourables." Next day, Brough

advertised "a hundred and fifty guineas reward for an emerald necklace lost at the party of John Brough, Esq.,

at Fulham;" though some of our people said that no such thing was lost at all, and that Brough only wanted to

advertise the magnificence of his society; but this doubt was raised by persons not invited, and envious no

Well, I wore my diamond, as you may imagine, and rigged myself in my best clothes, viz. my blue coat and

brass buttons before mentioned, nankeen trousers and silk stockings, a white waistcoat, and a pair of white

gloves bought for the occasion. But my coat was of country make, very high in the waist and short in the

sleeves, and I suppose must have looked rather odd to some of the great people assembled, for they stared at

me a great deal, and a whole crowd formed to see me dancewhich I did to the best of my power,

performing all the steps accurately and with great agility, as I had been taught by our dancingmaster in the

And with whom do you think I had the honour to dance? With no less a person than Lady Jane Preston; who,

it appears, had not gone out of town, and who shook me most kindly by the hand when she saw me, and

asked me to dance with her. We had my Lord Tiptoff and Lady Fanny Rakes for our visavis.

You should have seen how the people crowded to look at us, and admired my dancing too, for I cut the very

best of capers, quite different to the rest of the gents (my Lord among the number), who walked through the

quadrille as if they thought it a trouble, and stared at my activity with all their might. But when I have a dance

I like to enjoy myself: and Mary Smith often said I was the very best partner at our assemblies. While we

were dancing, I told Lady Jane how Roundhand, Gutch, and I, had come down three in a cab, besides the

driver; and my account of our adventures made her Ladyship laugh, I warrant you. Lucky it was for me that I

didn't go back in the same vehicle; for the driver went and intoxicated himself at the "Yellow Lion," threw

out Gutch and our head clerk as he was driving them back, and actually fought Gutch afterwards and blacked

Lady Jane, however, spared me such an uncomfortable ride home: for she said she had a fourth place in her

carriage, and asked me if I would accept it; and positively, at two o'clock in the morning, there was I, after

setting the ladies and my Lord down, driven to Salisbury Square in a great thundering carriage, with flaming

lamps and two tall footmen, who nearly knocked the door and the whole little street down with the noise they

made at the rapper. You should have seen Gus's head peeping out of window in his white nightcap! He kept

me up the whole night telling him about the ball, and the great people I had seen there; and next day he told at

"Mr. Titmarsh," said Lady Fanny, laughing to me, "who is that great fat curious man, the master of the

house? Do you know he asked me if you were not related to us? and I said, 'Oh, yes, you were.'"

"Well," answered the other, "did not Grandmamma say Mr. Titmarsh was her cousin?"

"No, my Lady," says I; "for her Ladyship, the Countess of Drum, said, if you remember, that my friend Gus

"That my friend Gus is her Ladyship's cousin too, which cannot be, for I know all his family: they live in

Skinner Street and St. Mary Axe, and are notnot quite so RESPECTABLE as MY relatives."

"Depend upon it, Mr. Titmarsh, that Lady Drum is no more your cousin than she is the cousin of your friend

"Hoskins, my Lordand so I told Gus; but you see he is very fond of me, and WILL have it that I am related

to Lady D.: and say what I will to the contrary, tells the story everywhere. Though to be sure," added I with a

laugh, "it has gained me no small good in my time." So I described to the party our dinner at Mrs.

Roundhand's, which all came from my diamondpin, and my reputation as a connection of the aristocracy.

Then I thanked Lady Jane handsomely for her magnificent present of fruit and venison, and told her that it

had entertained a great number of kind friends of mine, who had drunk her Ladyship's health with the greatest

"A HAUNCH OF VENISON!" cried Lady Jane, quite astonished; "indeed, Mr. Titmarsh, I am quite at a loss

As we passed a gaslamp, I saw Lady Fanny laughing as usual, and turning her great arch sparkling black

"Why, Lady Jane," said he, "if the truth must out, the great haunch of venison trick was one of this young

lady's performing. You must know that I had received the abovenamed haunch from Lord Guttlebury's park:

and knowing that Preston is not averse to Guttlebury venison, was telling Lady Drum (in whose carriage I

had a seat that day, as Mr. Titmarsh was not in the way), that I intended the haunch for your husband's table.

Whereupon my Lady Fanny, clapping together her little hands, declared and vowed that the venison should

not go to Preston, but should be sent to a gentleman about whose adventures on the day previous we had just

been talkingto Mr. Titmarsh, in fact; whom Preston, as Fanny vowed, had used most cruelly, and to whom,

she said, a reparation was due. So my Lady Fanny insists upon our driving straight to my rooms in the

"Insists upon driving straight to my chambers in the Albany, extracting thence the abovenamed

"And then she orders us to proceed to Mr. Titmarsh's house in the City, where the venison was left, in

company with a couple of baskets of fruit bought at Grange's by Lady Fanny herself."

"And what was more," said Lady Fanny, "I made Grandmamma go into Frinto Lord Tiptoff's rooms, and

dictated out of my own mouth the letter which he wrote, and pinned up the haunch of venison that his

hideous old housekeeper brought usI am quite jealous of herI pinned up the haunch of venison in a copy

It had one of the Ramsbottom letters in it, I remember, which Gus and I read on Sunday at breakfast, and we

nearly killed ourselves with laughing. The ladies laughed too when I told them this; and goodnatured Lady

Jane said she would forgive her sister, and hoped I would too: which I promised to do as often as her

I never had any more venison from the family; but I'll tell you WHAT I had. About a month after came a card

of "Lord and Lady Tiptoff," and a great piece of plumcake; of which, I am sorry to say, Gus ate a great deal

Well, the magic of the pin was not over yet. Very soon after Mrs. Brough's grand party, our director called

me up to his room at the West Diddlesex, and after examining my accounts, and speaking awhile about

business, said, "That's a very fine diamondpin, Master Titmarsh" (he spoke in a grave patronising way),

"and I called you on purpose to speak to you upon the subject. I do not object to seeing the young men of this

establishment well and handsomely dressed; but I know that their salaries cannot afford ornaments like those,

and I grieve to see you with a thing of such value. You have paid for it, sir, I trust you have paid for it; for,

I could not conceive why Brough was reading me this lecture about debt and my having bought the

diamondpin, as I knew that he had been asking about it already, and how I came by itAbednego told me

so. "Why, sir," says I, "Mr. Abednego told me that he had told you that I had told him"

"Oh, aybythebye, now I recollect, Mr. TitmarshI do recollect yes; though I suppose, sir, you will

"That one of the clerks DID say something about a pinthat one of the other gentlemen had it. And so your

"It was given me, sir, by my aunt, Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty," said I, raising my voice; for I was a

"Why, thank you, sir," says I, "she is pretty well off. Four hundred a year jointure; a farm at Slopperton, sir;

three houses at Squashtail; and three thousand two hundred loose cash at the banker's, as I happen to know,

I did happen to know this, you see; because, while I was down in Somersetshire, Mr. MacManus, my aunt's

agent in Ireland, wrote to say that a mortgage she had on Lord Brallaghan's property had just been paid off,

and that the money was lodged at Coutts's. Ireland was in a very disturbed state in those days; and my aunt

wisely determined not to invest her money in that country any more, but to look out for some good security in

England. However, as she had always received six per cent. in Ireland, she would not hear of a smaller

interest; and had warned me, as I was a commercial man, on coming to town, to look out for some means by

"And how do you come to know Mrs. Hoggarty's property so accurately?" said Mr. Brough; upon which I

"Good heavens, sir! and do you mean that you, a clerk in the West Diddlesex Insurance Office, applied to by

a respectable lady as to the manner in which she should invest property, never spoke to her about the

Company which you have the honour to serve? Do you mean, sir, that you, knowing there was a bonus of five

per cent. for yourself upon shares taken, did not press Mrs. Hoggarty to join us?"

"Sir," says I, "I'm an honest man, and would not take a bonus from my own relation."

"Honest I know you are, my boygive me your hand! So am I honest so is every man in this Company

honest; but we must be prudent as well. We have five millions of capital on our books, as you see five

bona fide millions of bona fide sovereigns paid up, sir, there is no dishonesty there. But why should we not

have twenty millionsa hundred millions? Why should not this be the greatest commercial Association in

the world?as it shall be, sir,it shall, as sure as my name is John Brough, if Heaven bless my honest

endeavours to establish it! But do you suppose that it can be so, unless every man among us use his utmost

exertions to forward the success of the enterprise? Never, sir,never; and, for me, I say so everywhere. I

glory in what I do. There is not a house in which I enter, but I leave a prospectus of the West Diddlesex.

There is not a single tradesman I employ, but has shares in it to some amount. My servants, sir,my very

servants and grooms, are bound up with it. And the first question I ask of anyone who applies to me for a

place is, Are you insured or a shareholder in the West Diddlesex? the second, Have you a good character?

And if the first question is answered in the negative, I say to the party coming to me, Then be a shareholder

before you ask for a place in my household. Did you not see meme, John Brough, whose name is good for

millionsstep out of my coachandfour into this office, with four pounds nineteen, which I paid in to Mr.

Roundhand as the price of half a share for the porter at my lodgegate? Did you remark that I deducted a

"Yes, sir; it was the day you drew out eight hundred and seventythree ten and sixThursday week," says I.

"And why did I deduct that shilling, sir? Because it was MY COMMISSIONJohn Brough's commission;

honestly earned by him, and openly taken. Was there any disguise about it? No. Did I do it for the love of a

shilling? No," says Brough, laying his hand on his heart, "I did it from PRINCIPLE,from that motive

which guides every one of my actions, as I can look up to Heaven and say. I wish all my young men to see

my example, and follow it: I wishI pray that they may. Think of that example, sir. That porter of mine has

a sick wife and nine young children: he is himself a sick man, and his tenure of life is feeble; he has earned

money, sir, in my servicesixty pounds and moreit is all his children have to look toall: but for that, in

the event of his death, they would be houseless beggars in the street. And what have I done for that family,

sir? I have put that money out of the reach of Robert Gates, and placed it so that it shall be a blessing to his

family at his death. Every farthing is invested in shares in this office; and Robert Gates, my lodgeporter, is a

holder of three shares in the West Diddlesex Association, and, in that capacity, your master and mine. Do you

"To cheat that poor helpless man, and those tender innocent children!you can't think so, sir; I should be a

disgrace to human nature if I did. But what boots all my energy and perseverance? What though I place my

friends' money, my family's money, my own moneymy hopes, wishes, desires, ambitionsall upon this

enterprise? You young men will not do so. You, whom I treat with love and confidence as my children, make

no return to me. When I toil, you remain still; when I struggle, you look on. Say the word at once,you

doubt me! O heavens, that this should be the reward of all my care and love for you!"

Here Mr. Brough was so affected that he actually burst into tears, and I confess I saw in its true light the

"Sir," says I, "I am veryvery sorry: it was a matter of delicacy, rather than otherwise, which induced me

"Delicacy, my dear dear boyas if there can be any delicacy about making your aunt's fortune! Say

indifference to me, say ingratitude, say folly,but don't say delicacyno, no, not delicacy. Be honest, my

"It WAS folly and ingratitude, Mr. Brough," says I: "I see it all now; and I'll write to my aunt this very post."

"You had better do no such thing," says Brough, bitterly: "the stocks are at ninety, and Mrs. Hoggarty can get

"Well, as your honour is passed, you must, I suppose; for never break your wordno, not in a trifle,

Titmarsh. Send me up the letter when you have done, and I'll frank itupon my word and honour I will,"

I took it, and he pressed mine very kindly"You may as well sit down here," says he, as he kept hold of it;

And so I sat down and mended a beautiful pen, and began and wrote, "Independent West Diddlesex

Association, June 1822," and "My dear Aunt," in the best manner possible. Then I paused a little, thinking

what I should next say; for I have always found that difficulty about letters. The date and My dear Soandso

one writes off immediatelyit is the next part which is hard; and I put my pen in my mouth, flung myself

"Bah!" said Brough, "are you going to be about this letter all day, my good fellow? Listen to me, and I'll

"My Dear Aunt,Since my return from Somersetshire, I am very happy indeed to tell you that I have so

pleased the managing director of our Association and the Board, that they have been good enough to appoint

"Write what I say. Mr. Roundhand, as has been agreed by the board yesterday, quits the clerk's desk and takes

the title of secretary and actuary. Mr. Highmore takes his place; Mr. Abednego follows him; and I place you

"third clerk (write), with a salary of a hundred and fifty pounds per annum. This news will, I know, gratify

"When I was last at home, I remember you consulted me as to the best mode of laying out a sum of money

which was lying useless in your banker's hands. I have since lost no opportunity of gaining what information

I could: and situated here as I am, in the very midst of affairs, I believe, although very young, I am as good a

"I frequently thought of mentioning to you our Association, but feelings of delicacy prevented me from doing

so. I did not wish that anyone should suppose that a shadow of selfinterest could move me in any way.

"But I believe, without any sort of doubt, that the West Diddlesex Association offers the best security that

you can expect for your capital, and, at the same time, the highest interest you can anywhere procure.

"The situation of the Company, as I have it from THE VERY BEST AUTHORITY (underline that), is as

"The body of directors you know. Suffice it to say that the managing director is John Brough, Esq., of the

firm of Brough and Hoff, a Member of Parliament, and a man as well known as Mr. Rothschild in the City of

London. His private fortune, I know for a fact, amounts to half a million; and the last dividends paid to the

shareholders of the I. W. D. Association amounted to 6.125 per cent. per annum."

"Although the shares in the market are at a very great premium, it is the privilege of the four first clerks to

dispose of a certain number, 5,000L. each at par; and if you, my dearest aunt, would wish for 2,500L. worth, I

hope you will allow me to oblige you by offering you so much of my new privileges.

"Let me hear from you immediately upon the subject, as I have already an offer for the whole amount of my

"You have, sir. I will take the shares; but I want YOU. I want as many respectable persons in the Company as

I can bring. I want you because I like you, and I don't mind telling you that I have views of my own as well;

for I am an honest man and say openly what I mean, and I'll tell you WHY I want you. I can't, by the

regulations of the Company, have more than a certain number of votes, but if your aunt takes shares, I

expectI don't mind owning itthat she will vote with me. NOW do you understand me? My object is to

be all in all with the Company; and if I be, I will make it the most glorious enterprise that ever was conducted

The next day I went and took my place at the third clerk's desk, being led to it by Mr. B., who made a speech

to the gents, much to the annoyance of the other chaps, who grumbled about their services: though, as for the

matter of that, our services were very much alike: the Company was only three years old, and the oldest clerk

in it had not six months' more standing in it than I. "Look out," said that envious M'Whirter to me. "Have you

got money, or have any of your relations money? or are any of them going to put it into the concern?"

I did not think fit to answer him, but took a pinch out of his mull, and was always kind to him; and he, to say

the truth, was always most civil to me. As for Gus Hoskins, he began to think I was a superior being; and I

must say that the rest of the chaps behaved very kindly in the matter, and said that if one man were to be put

over their heads before another, they would have pitched upon me, for I had never harmed any of them, and

"I know," says Abednego, "how you got the place. It was I who got it you. I told Brough you were a cousin of

Preston's, the Lord of the Treasury, had venison from him and all that; and depend upon it he expects that you

I think there was some likelihood in what Abednego said, because our governor, as we called him, frequently

spoke to me about my cousin; told me to push the concern in the West End of the town, get as many

noblemen as we could to insure with us, and so on. It was in vain I said I could do nothing with Mr. Preston.

"Bah! bah!" says Mr. Brough, "don't tell ME. People don't send haunches of venison to you for nothing;" and

I'm convinced he thought I was a very cautious prudent fellow, for not bragging about my great family, and

keeping my connection with them a secret. To be sure he might have learned the truth from Gus, who lived

with me; but Gus would insist that I was hand in glove with all the nobility, and boasted about me ten times

"See," thought I, "what I have gained by Aunt Hoggarty giving me a diamondpin! What a lucky thing it is

that she did not give me the money, as I hoped she would! Had I not had the pinhad I even taken it to any

other person but Mr. Polonius, Lady Drum would never have noticed me; had Lady Drum never noticed me,

Mr. Brough never would, and I never should have been third clerk of the West Diddlesex."

I took heart at all this, and wrote off on the very evening of my appointment to my dearest Mary Smith,

giving her warning that a "certain event," for which one of us was longing very earnestly, might come off

sooner than we had expected. And why not? Miss S.'s own fortune was 70L. a year, mine was 150L., and

when we had 300L., we always vowed we would marry. "Ah!" thought I, "if I could but go to Somersetshire

now, I might boldly walk up to old Smith's door" (he was her grandfather, and a halfpay lieutenant of the

navy), "I might knock at the knocker and see my beloved Mary in the parlour, and not be obliged to sneak

behind hayricks on the lookout for her, or pelt stones at midnight at her window."

My aunt, in a few days, wrote a pretty gracious reply to my letter. She had not determined, she said, as to the

manner in which she should employ her three thousand pounds, but should take my offer into consideration;

begging me to keep my shares open for a little while, until her mind was made up.

What, then, does Mr. Brough do? I learned afterwards, in the year 1830, when he and the West Diddlesex

"Mr. Ruck, sir," says I, "is the Tory solicitor, and Messrs. Hodge and Smithers the Liberals." I knew them

very well, for the fact is, before Mary Smith came to live in our parts, I was rather partial to Miss Hodge, and

her great goldcoloured ringlets; but Mary came and soon put HER nose out of joint, as the saying is.

"Why, sir, we are Liberals." I was rather ashamed of this, for Mr. Brough was an outandout Tory; but

Hodge and Smithers is a most respectable firm. I brought up a packet from them to Hickson, Dixon, Paxton,

Mr. Brough only said, "Oh, indeed!" and did not talk any further on the subject, but began admiring my

"Titmarsh, my dear boy," says he, "I have a young lady at Fulham who is worth seeing, I assure you, and who

has heard so much about you from her father (for I like you, my boy, I don't care to own it), that she is rather

anxious to see you too. Suppose you come down to us for a week? Abednego will do your work."

"Well, you shall come down; and I hope you will like my claret. But hark ye! I don't think, my dear fellow,

"What! that thing with the waist between your shoulders that you wore at Mrs. Brough's party?" (It WAS

rather highwaisted, being made in the country two years before.) "Nono, that will never do. Get some

"Sir!" says I, "I'm already, if the truth must be told, very short of money for this quarter, and can't afford

"Pooh, pooh! don't let that annoy you. Here's a tenpound note but no, on second thoughts, you may as

well go to my tailor's. I'll drive you down there: and never mind the bill, my good lad!" And drive me down

he actually did, in his grand coachandfour, to Mr. Von Stiltz, in Clifford Street, who took my measure, and

sent me home two of the finest coats ever seen, a dresscoat and a frock, a velvet waistcoat, a silk ditto, and

three pairs of pantaloons, of the most beautiful make. Brough told me to get some boots and pumps, and silk

stockings for evenings; so that when the time came for me to go down to Fulham, I appeared as handsome as

any young nobleman, and Gus said that "I looked, by Jingo, like a regular tiptop swell."

[This part being on private affairs relative to the cases of Dixon v. Haggerstony, Snodgrass v. Rubbidge and

"Likewise we beg to hand you a few more prospectuses of the Independent West Diddlesex Fire and Life

Insurance Company, of which we have the honour to be the solicitors in London. We wrote to you last year,

requesting you to accept the Slopperton and Somerset agency for the same, and have been expecting for some

"The capital of the Company, as you know, is five millions sterling (say 5,000,000L.), and we are in a

situation to offer more than the usual commission to our agents of the legal profession. We shall be happy to

give a premium of 6 per cent. for shares to the amount of 1,000L., 6.5 per cent. above a thousand, to be paid

This letter, as I have said, came into my hands some time afterwards. I knew nothing of it in the year 1822,

when, in my new suit of clothes, I went down to pass a week at the Rookery, Fulham, residence of John

If I had the pen of a George Robins, I might describe the Rookery properly: suffice it, however, to say it is a

very handsome country place; with handsome lawns sloping down to the river, handsome shrubberies and

conservatories, fine stables, outhouses, kitchengardens, and everything belonging to a firstrate rus in urbe,

I arrived on a Saturday at halfanhour before dinner: a grave gentleman out of livery showed me to my

room; a man in a chocolate coat and gold lace, with Brough's crest on the buttons, brought me a silver

shavingpot of hot water on a silver tray; and a grand dinner was ready at six, at which I had the honour of

Brough took me by the hand as I came in, and presented me to his lady, a stout fairhaired woman, in light

blue satin; then to his daughter, a tall, thin, darkeyed girl, with beetlebrows, looking very illnatured, and

"Belinda my love," said her papa, "this young gentleman is one of my clerks, who was at our ball."

"But not a common clerk, Miss Belinda,so, if you please, we will have none of your aristocratic airs with

him. He is a nephew of the Countess of Drum; and I hope he will soon be very high in our establishment, and

At the name of Countess (I had a dozen times rectified the error about our relationship), Miss Belinda made a

low curtsey, and stared at me very hard, and said she would try and make the Rookery pleasant to any friend

of Papa's. "We have not much MONDE today," continued Miss Brough, "and are only in petit comite; but I

hope before you leave us you will see some societe that will make your sejour agreeable."

I saw at once that she was a fashionable girl, from her using the French language in this way.

"Isn't she a fine girl?" said Brough, whispering to me, and evidently as proud of her as a man could be. "Isn't

"No, sir, upon my word!" answered I, rather slily; for I was thinking all the while how "Somebody" was a

"Oh, Pa! I have PINCED the harp a little to Captain Fizgig's flute. Didn't I, Captain Fizgig?"

Captain the Honourable Francis Fizgig said, "Yes, Brough, your fair daughter PINCED the harp, and

TOUCHED the piano, and EGRATIGNED the guitar, and ECORCHED a song or two; and we had the

"It's a sad disadvantage, madam," says Fizgig, gravely; "and I recommend you and Brough here, who are

coming out in the great world, to have some lessons; or at least get up a couple of dozen phrases, and

introduce them into your conversation here and there. I suppose, sir, you speak it commonly at the office, Mr.

"Everybody has not had your opportunities," Miss Brough, continued the gentleman. "Everybody has not

VOYAGE like NOUS AUTRES, hey? Mais que voulezvous, my good sir? you must stick to your cursed

"You should learn, Miss Brough," said her father. "The daughter of a British merchant need not be ashamed

of the means by which her father gets his bread. I'M not ashamedI'm not proud. Those who know John

Brough, know that ten years ago he was a poor clerk like my friend Titmarsh here, and is now worth

halfamillion. Is there any man in the House better listened to than John Brough? Is there any duke in the

land that can give a better dinner than John Brough; or a larger fortune to his daughter than John Brough?

Why, sir, the humble person now speaking to you could buy out many a German duke! But I'm not

proudno, no, not proud. There's my daughterlook at herwhen I die, she will be mistress of my

fortune; but am I proud? No! Let him who can win her, marry her, that's what I say. Be it you, Mr. Fizgig,

son of a peer of the realm; or you, Bill Tidd. Be it a duke or a shoeblack, what do I care, hey?what do I

"Oooh!" sighed the gent who went by the name of Bill Tidd: a very pale young man, with a black riband

round his neck instead of a handkerchief, and his collars turned down like Lord Byron. He was leaning

against the mantelpiece, and with a pair of great green eyes ogling Miss Brough with all his might.

"Oh, Johnmy dear John!" cried Mrs. Brough, seizing her husband's hand and kissing it, "you are an angel,

"Isabella, don't flatter me; I'm a MAN,a plain downright citizen of London, without a particle of pride,

except in you and my daughter heremy two Bells, as I call them! This is the way that we live, Titmarsh my

boy: ours is a happy, humble, Christian home, and that's all. Isabella, leave go my hand!"

"Mamma, you mustn't do so before company; it's odious!" shrieked Miss B.; and Mamma quietly let the hand

fall, and heaved from her ample bosom a great large sigh. I felt a liking for that simple woman, and a respect

Dinner was soon announced, and I had the honour of leading in Miss B., who looked back rather angrily, I

thought, at Captain Fizgig, because that gentleman had offered his arm to Mrs. Brough. He sat on the right of

Mrs. Brough, and Miss flounced down on the seat next to him, leaving me and Mr. Tidd to take our places at

At dinner there was turbot and soup first, and boiled turkey afterwards of course. How is it that at all the great

dinners they have this perpetual boiled turkey? It was real turtlesoup: the first time I had ever tasted it; and I

remarked how Mrs. B., who insisted on helping it, gave all the green lumps of fat to her husband, and put

several slices of the breast of the bird under the body, until it came to his turn to be helped.

"I'm a plain man," says John, "and eat a plain dinner. I hate your kickshaws, though I keep a French cook for

those who are not of my way of thinking. I'm no egotist, look you; I've no prejudices; and Miss there has her

We had plenty of champagne and old madeira with dinner, and great silver tankards of porter, which those

might take who chose. Brough made especially a boast of drinking beer; and, when the ladies retired, said,

"Gentlemen, Tiggins will give you an unlimited supply of wine: there's no stinting here;" and then laid

"Get some of that yellowsealed wine, Tiggins," says the Captain. "That other claret we had yesterday is

"Miss Belinda, to be sure!" cried Tidd. "Did mortal ever look upon eyes like hers, or view a more sylphlike

"She might have a little more flesh, Mr. Tidd," says the Captain, "and a little less eyebrow. They look

vicious, those scowling eyebrows, in a girl. Qu'en ditesvous, Mr. Titmarsh, as Miss Brough would say?"

"Egad, you're the right sort of fellow!" says the Captain. "Volto sciolto, eh? You respect our sleeping host

"That I do, sir, as the first man in the city of London, and my managing director."

"And so do I," says Tidd; "and this day fortnight, when I'm of age, I'll prove my confidence too."

"Why, sir, you must know that I come intoahema considerable property, sir, on the 14th of July, which

"He WAS a tailor, sir,but what of that? I've had a University education, and have the feelings of a

gentleman; as muchay, perhaps, and more, than some members of an effete aristocracy."

"Well, Mr. Titmarsh, when of age I come into a considerable property; and Mr. Brough has been so good as

to say he can get me twelve hundred a year for my twenty thousand pounds, and I have promised to invest

"No, in another company, of which Mr. Brough is director, and quite as good a thing. Mr. Brough is a very

old friend of my family, sir, and he has taken a great liking to me; and he says that with my talents I ought to

get into Parliament; and thenand then! after I have laid out my patrimony, I may look to MATRIMONY,

"Oh, you designing dog!" said the Captain. "When I used to lick you at school, who ever would have thought

"Talk away, boys!" said Brough, waking out of his sleep; "I only sleep with half an eye, and hear you all.

Yes, you shall get into Parliament, Tidd my man, or my name's not Brough! You shall have six per cent. for

your money, or never believe me! But as for my daughterask HER, and not me. You, or the Captain, or

Titmarsh, may have her, if you can get her. All I ask in a soninlaw is, that he should be, as every one of

Tidd at this looked very knowing; and as our host sank off to sleep again, pointed archly at his eyebrows, and

"Bah!" says the Captain. "I say what I think; and you may tell Miss Brough if you like." And so presently this

conversation ended, and we were summoned in to coffee. After which the Captain sang songs with Miss

Brough; Tidd looked at her and said nothing; I looked at prints, and Mrs. Brough sat knitting stockings for

the poor. The Captain was sneering openly at Miss Brough and her affected ways and talk; but in spite of his

bullying contemptuous way I thought she seemed to have a great regard for him, and to bear his scorn very

At twelve Captain Fizgig went off to his barracks at Knightsbridge, and Tidd and I to our rooms. Next day

being Sunday, a great bell woke us at eight, and at nine we all assembled in the breakfastroom, where Mr.

Brough read prayers, a chapter, and made an exhortation afterwards, to us and all the members of the

household; except the French cook, Monsieur Nontongpaw, whom I could see, from my chair, walking

Every morning on weekdays, punctually at eight, Mr. Brough went through the same ceremony, and had his

family to prayers; but though this man was a hypocrite, as I found afterwards, I'm not going to laugh at the

family prayers, or say he was a hypocrite BECAUSE he had them. There are many bad and good men who

don't go through the ceremony at all; but I am sure the good men would be the better for it, and am not called

upon to settle the question with respect to the bad ones; and therefore I have passed over a great deal of the

religious part of Mr. Brough's behaviour: suffice it, that religion was always on his lips; that he went to

church thrice every Sunday, when he had not a party; and if he did not talk religion with us when we were

alone, had a great deal to say upon the subject upon occasions, as I found one day when we had a Quaker and

Dissenter party to dine, and when his talk was as grave as that of any minister present. Tidd was not there that

day,for nothing could make him forsake his Byron riband or refrain from wearing his collars turned down;

so Tidd was sent with the buggy to Astley's. "And hark ye, Titmarsh my boy," said he, "leave your diamond

pin upstairs: our friends today don't like such gewgaws; and though for my part I am no enemy to harmless

ornaments, yet I would not shock the feelings of those who have sterner opinions. You will see that my wife

and Miss Brough consult my wishes in this respect." And so they did,for they both came down to dinner in

black gowns and tippets; whereas Miss B. had commonly her dress half off her shoulders.

The Captain rode over several times to see us; and Miss Brough seemed always delighted to see HIM. One

day I met him as I was walking out alone by the river, and we had a long talk together.

"Mr. Titmarsh," says he, "from what little I have seen of you, you seem to be an honest straightminded

young fellow; and I want some information that you can give. Tell me, in the first place, if you willand

upon my honour it shall go no fartherabout this Insurance Company of yours? You are in the City, and see

"Sir," said I, "frankly then, and upon my honour too, I believe it is. It has been set up only four years, it is

true; but Mr. Brough had a great name when it was established, and a vast connection. Every clerk in the

office has, to be sure, in a manner, paid for his place, either by taking shares himself, or by his relations

taking them. I got mine because my mother, who is very poor, devoted a small sum of money that came to us

to the purchase of an annuity for herself and a provision for me. The matter was debated by the family and

our attorneys, Messrs. Hodge and Smithers, who are very well known in our part of the country; and it was

agreed on all hands that my mother could not do better with her money for all of us than invest it in this way.

Brough alone is worth half a million of money, and his name is a host in itself. Nay, more: I wrote the other

day to an aunt of mine, who has a considerable sum of money in loose cash, and who had consulted me as to

the disposal of it, to invest it in our office. Can I give you any better proof of my opinion of its solvency?"

"Yes, he certainly spoke to me: but he very honestly told me his motives, and tells them to us all as honestly.

He says, 'Gentlemen, it is my object to increase the connection of the office, as much as possible. I want to

crush all the other offices in London. Our terms are lower than any office, and we can bear to have them

lower, and a great business will come to us that way. But we must work ourselves as well. Every single

shareholder and officer of the establishment must exert himself, and bring us customers,no matter for how

little they are engagedengage them: that is the great point.' And accordingly our Director makes all his

friends and servants shareholders: his very lodgeporter yonder is a shareholder; and he thus endeavours to

fasten upon all whom he comes near. I, for instance, have just been appointed over the heads of our gents, to

a much better place than I held. I am asked down here, and entertained royally: and why? Because my aunt

"Not a whit, sir: he makes no disguise of the matter. When the question is settled one way or the other, I don't

believe Mr. Brough will take any further notice of me. But he wants me now. This place happened to fall in

just at the very moment when he had need of me; and he hopes to gain over my family through me. He told

me as much as we drove down. 'You are a man of the world, Titmarsh,' said he; 'you know that I don't give

you this place because you are an honest fellow, and write a good hand. If I had a lesser bribe to offer you at

the moment, I should only have given you that; but I had no choice, and gave you what was in my power.'"

"That's fair enough; but what can make Brough so eager for such a small sum as three thousand pounds?"

"If it had been ten, sir, he would have been not a bit more eager. You don't know the city of London, and the

passion which our great men in the sharemarket have for increasing their connection. Mr. Brough, sir,

would canvass and wheedle a chimneysweep in the way of business. See, here is poor Tidd and his twenty

thousand pounds. Our Director has taken possession of him just in the same way. He wants all the capital he

"Mr. Brough, of the firm of Brough and Hoff, sir? Suppose the Bank of England runs off! But here we are at

the lodgegate. Let's ask Gates, another of Mr. Brough's victims." And we went in and spoke to old Gates.

"Well, Mr. Gates," says I, beginning the matter cleverly, "you are one of my masters, you know, at the West

"Yees, sure," says old Gates, grinning. He was a retired servant, with a large family come to him in his old

"May I ask you what your wages are, Mr. Gates, that you can lay by so much money, and purchase shares in

Gates told us his wages; and when we inquired whether they were paid regularly, swore that his master was

the kindest gentleman in the world: that he had put two of his daughters into service, two of his sons to

charity schools, made one apprentice, and narrated a hundred other benefits that he had received from the

family. Mrs. Brough clothed half the children; master gave them blankets and coats in winter, and soup and

meat all the year round. There never was such a generous family, sure, since the world began.

"Well, sir," said I to the Captain, "does that satisfy you? Mr. Brough gives to these people fifty times as much

"Mr. Titmarsh," says the Captain, "you are an honest fellow; and I confess your argument sounds well. Now

"Brough will leave her everythingor says so." But I suppose the Captain saw some particular expression in

"I suppose, my dear fellow, you think she's dear at the price. Well, I don't know that you are far wrong."

"Why, then, if I may make so bold, Captain Fizgig, are you always at her heels?"

"Mr. Titmarsh," says the Captain, "I owe twenty thousand pounds;" and he went back to the house directly,

I thought this rather cruel and unprincipled conduct on the gentleman's part; for he had been introduced to the

family by Mr. Tidd, with whom he had been at school, and had supplanted Tidd entirely in the great heiress's

affections. Brough stormed, and actually swore at his daughter (as the Captain told me afterwards) when he

heard that the latter had accepted Mr. Fizgig; and at last, seeing the Captain, made him give his word that the

engagement should be kept secret for a few months. And Captain F. only made a confidant of me, and the

mess, as he said: but this was after Tidd had paid his twenty thousand pounds over to our governor, which he

did punctually when he came of age. The same day, too, he proposed for the young lady, and I need not say

was rejected. Presently the Captain's engagement began to be whispered about: all his great relations, the

Duke of Doncaster, the Earl of Cinqbars, the Earl of Crabs, &c. came and visited the Brough family; the Hon.

Henry Ringwood became a shareholder in our Company, and the Earl of Crabs offered to be. Our shares rose

to a premium; our Director, his lady, and daughter were presented at Court; and the great West Diddlesex

A very short time after my visit to Fulham, my dear aunt wrote to me to say that she had consulted with her

attorneys, Messrs. Hodge and Smithers, who strongly recommended that she should invest the sum as I

advised. She had the sum invested, too, in my name, paying me many compliments upon my honesty and

talent; of which, she said, Mr. Brough had given her the most flattering account. And at the same time my

aunt informed me that at her death the shares should be my own. This gave me a great weight in the

Company, as you may imagine. At our next annual meeting, I attended in my capacity as a shareholder, and

had great pleasure in hearing Mr. Brough, in a magnificent speech, declare a dividend of six per cent., that we

"You lucky young scoundrel!" said Brough to me; "do you know what made me give you your place?"

"No such thing. Do you fancy I cared for those paltry three thousand pounds? I was told you were nephew of

Lady Drum; and Lady Drum is grandmother of Lady Jane Preston; and Mr. Preston is a man who can do us a

world of good. I knew that they had sent you venison, and the deuce knows what; and when I saw Lady Jane

at my party shake you by the hand, and speak to you so kindly, I took all Abednego's tales for gospel. THAT

was the reason you got the place, mark you, and not on account of your miserable three thousand pounds.

Well, sir, a fortnight after you were with us at Fulham, I met Preston in the House, and made a merit of

having given the place to his cousin. 'Confound the insolent scoundrel!' said he; 'HE my cousin! I suppose

you take all old Drum's stories for true? Why, man, it's her mania: she never is introduced to a man but she

finds out a cousinship, and would not fail of course with that cur of a Titmarsh!' 'Well,' said I, laughing, 'that

cur has got a good place in consequence, and the matter can't be mended.' So you see," continued our

Director, "that you were indebted for your place, not to your aunt's money, but"

"Lucky rascal!" said Brough, poking me in the side and going out of the way. And lucky, in faith, I thought I

I don't know how it was that in the course of the next six months Mr. Roundhand, the actuary, who had been

such a profound admirer of Mr. Brough and the West Diddlesex Association, suddenly quarrelled with both,

and taking his money out of the concern, he disposed of his 5,000L. worth of shares to a pretty good profit,

and went away, speaking everything that was evil both of the Company and the Director.

Mr. Highmore now became secretary and actuary, Mr. Abednego was first clerk, and your humble servant

was second in the office at a salary of 250L. a year. How unfounded were Mr. Roundhand's aspersions of the

West Diddlesex appeared quite clearly at our meeting in January, 1823, when our Chief Director, in one of

the most brilliant speeches ever heard, declared that the halfyearly dividend was 4L. per cent., at the rate of

8L. per cent. per annum; and I sent to my aunt 120L. sterling as the amount of the interest of the stock in my

My excellent aunt, Mrs. Hoggarty, delighted beyond measure, sent me back 10L. for my own pocket, and

asked me if she had not better sell Slopperton and Squashtail, and invest all her money in this admirable

On this point I could not surely do better than ask the opinion of Mr. Brough. Mr. B. told me that shares

could not be had but at a premium; but on my representing that I knew of 5,000L. worth in the market at par,

he said"Well, if so, he would like a fair price for his, and would not mind disposing of 5,000L. worth, as

he had rather a glut of West Diddlesex shares, and his other concerns wanted feeding with ready money." At

the end of our conversation, of which I promised to report the purport to Mrs. Hoggarty, the Director was so

kind as to say that he had determined on creating a place of private secretary to the Managing Director, and

I had 250L. a year, Miss Smith had 70L. per annum to her fortune. What had I said should be my line of

Gus of course, and all the gents in our office through him, knew of my engagement with Mary Smith. Her

father had been a commander in the navy and a very distinguished officer; and though Mary, as I have said,

only brought me a fortune of 70L. a year, and I, as everybody said, in my present position in the office and

the City of London, might have reasonably looked out for a lady with much more money, yet my friends

agreed that the connection was very respectable, and I was content: as who would not have been with such a

darling as Mary? I am sure, for my part, I would not have taken the Lord Mayor's own daughter in place of

Mr. Brough of course was made aware of my approaching marriage, as of everything else relating to every

clerk in the office; and I do believe Abednego told him what we had for dinner every day. Indeed, his

He asked me how Mary's money was invested. It was in the three per cent. consols2,333L. 6S. 8D.

"Remember," says he, "my lad, Mrs. Sam Titmarsh that is to be may have seven per cent. for her money at

the very least, and on better security than the Bank of England; for is not a Company of which John Brough is

the head better than any other company in England?" and to be sure I thought he was not far wrong, and

promised to speak to Mary's guardians on the subject before our marriage. Lieutenant Smith, her grandfather,

had been at the first very much averse to our union. (I must confess that, one day finding me alone with her,

and kissing, I believe, the tips of her little fingers, he had taken me by the collar and turned me out of doors.)

But Sam Titmarsh, with a salary of 250L. a year, a promised fortune of 150L. more, and the righthand man

of Mr. John Brough of London, was a very different man from Sam the poor clerk, and the poor clergyman's

widow's son; and the old gentleman wrote me a kind letter enough, and begged me to get him six pairs of

lamb'swool stockings and four ditto waistcoats from Romanis', and accepted them too as a present from me

Mr. Brough was likewise kindly anxious about my aunt's Slopperton and Squashtail property, which she had

not as yet sold, as she talked of doing; and, as Mr. B. represented, it was a sin and a shame that any person in

whom he took such interest, as he did in all the relatives of his dear young friend, should only have three per

cent. for her money, when she could have eight elsewhere. He always called me Sam now, praised me to the

other young men (who brought the praises regularly to me), said there was a cover always laid for me at

Fulham, and repeatedly took me thither. There was but little company when I went; and M'Whirter used to

say he only asked me on days when he had his vulgar acquaintances. But I did not care for the great people,

not being born in their sphere; and indeed did not much care for going to the house at all. Miss Belinda was

not at all to my liking. After her engagement with Captain Fizgig, and after Mr. Tidd had paid his 20,000L.

and Fizgig's great relations had joined in some of our Director's companies, Mr. Brough declared he believed

that Captain Fizgig's views were mercenary, and put him to the proof at once, by saying that he must take

Miss Brough without a farthing, or not have her at all. Whereupon Captain Fizgig got an appointment in the

colonies, and Miss Brough became more illhumoured than ever. But I could not help thinking she was rid of

a bad bargain, and pitying poor Tidd, who came back to the charge again more lovesick than ever, and was

rebuffed pitilessly by Miss Belinda. Her father plainly told Tidd, too, that his visits were disagreeable to

Belinda, and though he must always love and value him, he begged him to discontinue his calls at the

Rookery. Poor fellow! he had paid his 20,000L. away for nothing! for what was six per cent. to him

Well, Mr. Brough pitied the poor lovesick swain, as he called me, so much, and felt such a warm sympathy

in my wellbeing, that he insisted on my going down to Somersetshire with a couple of months' leave; and

away I went, as happy as a lark, with a couple of brandnew suits from Von Stiltz's in my trunk (I had them

made, looking forward to a certain event), and inside the trunk Lieutenant Smith's fleecy hosiery; wrapping

up a parcel of our prospectuses and two letters from John Brough, Esq., to my mother our worthy annuitant,

and to Mrs. Hoggarty our excellent shareholder. Mr. Brough said I was all that the fondest father could wish,

that he considered me as his own boy, and that he earnestly begged Mrs. Hoggarty not to delay the sale of her

little landed property, as land was high now and MUST FALL; whereas the West Diddlesex Association

shares were (comparatively) low, and must inevitably, in the course of a year or two, double, treble,

In this way I was prepared, and in this way I took leave of my dear Gus. As we parted in the yard of the

"BoltinTun," Fleet Street, I felt that I never should go back to Salisbury Square again, and had made my

little present to the landlady's family accordingly. She said I was the respectablest gentleman she had ever

had in her house: nor was that saying much, for Bell Lane is in the Rules of the Fleet, and her lodgers used

commonly to be prisoners on Rule from that place. As for Gus, the poor fellow cried and blubbered so that he

could not eat a morsel of the muffins and grilled ham with which I treated him for breakfast in the

"BoltinTun" coffeehouse; and when I went away was waving his hat and his handkerchief so in the

archway of the coachoffice that I do believe the wheels of the "True Blue" went over his toes, for I heard

him roaring as we passed through the arch. Ah! how different were my feelings as I sat proudly there on the

box by the side of Jim Ward, the coachman, to those I had the last time I mounted that coach, parting from

When arrived near home (at Grumpley, three miles from our village, where the "True Blue" generally stops to

take a glass of ale at the Poppleton Arms) it was as if our Member, Mr. Poppleton himself, was come into the

country, so great was the concourse of people assembled round the inn. And there was the landlord of the inn

and all the people of the village. Then there was Tom Wheeler, the postboy, from Mrs. Rincer's

postinghotel in our town; he was riding on the old bay posters, and they, Heaven bless us! were drawing my

aunt's yellow chariot, in which she never went out but thrice in a year, and in which she now sat in her

splendid cashmere shawl and a new hat and feather. She waved a white handkerchief out of the window, and

Tom Wheeler shouted out "Huzza!" as did a number of the little blackguard boys of Grumpley: who, to be

sure, would huzza for anything. What a change on Tom Wheeler's part, however! I remembered only a few

years before how he had whipped me from the box of the chaise, as I was hanging on for a ride behind.

Next to my aunt's carriage came the fourwheeled chaise of Lieutenant Smith, R.N., who was driving his old

fat pony with his lady by his side. I looked in the back seat of the chaise, and felt a little sad at seeing that

SOMEBODY was not there. But, O silly fellow! there was Somebody in the yellow chariot with my aunt,

blushing like a peony, I declare, and looking so happy!oh, so happy and pretty! She had a white dress, and

a light blue and yellow scarf, which my aunt said were the Hoggarty colours; though what the Hoggartys had

Well, the "True Blue" guard made a great bellowing on his horn as his four horses dashed away; the boys

shouted again; I was placed bodkin between Mrs. Hoggarty and Mary; Tom Wheeler cut into his bays; the

Lieutenant (who had shaken me cordially by the hand, and whose big dog did not make the slightest attempt

at biting me this time) beat his pony till its fat sides lathered again; and thus in this, I may say, unexampled

My dear mother and the girls,Heaven bless them!nine of them in their nankeen spencers (I had

something pretty in my trunk for each of them)could not afford a carriage, but had posted themselves on

the road near the village; and there was such a waving of hands and handkerchiefs: and though my aunt did

not much notice them, except by a majestic toss of the head, which is pardonable in a woman of her property,

yet Mary Smith did even more than I, and waved her hands as much as the whole nine. Ah! how my dear

mother cried and blessed me when we met, and called me her soul's comfort and her darling boy, and looked

at me as if I were a paragon of virtue and genius: whereas I was only a very lucky young fellow, that by the

I was not to stay with my mother,that had been arranged beforehand; for though she and Mrs. Hoggarty

were not remarkably good friends, yet Mother said it was for my benefit that I should stay with my aunt, and

so give up the pleasure of having me with her: and though hers was much the humbler house of the two, I

need not say I preferred it far to Mrs. Hoggarty's more splendid one; let alone the horrible Rosolio, of which I

It was to Mrs. H.'s then we were driven: she had prepared a great dinner that evening, and hired an extra

waiter, and on getting out of the carriage, she gave a sixpence to Tom Wheeler, saying that was for himself,

and that she would settle with Mrs. Rincer for the horses afterwards. At which Tom flung the sixpence upon

the ground, swore most violently, and was very justly called by my aunt an "impertinent fellow."

She had taken such a liking to me that she would hardly bear me out of her sight. We used to sit for morning

after morning over her accounts, debating for hours together the propriety of selling the Slopperton property;

but no arrangement was come to yet about it, for Hodge and Smithers could not get the price she wanted.

And, moreover, she vowed that at her decease she would leave every shilling to me.

Hodge and Smithers, too, gave a grand party, and treated me with marked consideration; as did every single

person of the village. Those who could not afford to give dinners gave teas, and all drank the health of the

young couple; and many a time after dinner or supper was my Mary made to blush by the allusions to the

The happy day for that ceremony was now fixed, and the 24th July, 1823, saw me the happiest husband of the

prettiest girl in Somersetshire. We were married from my mother's house, who would insist upon that at any

rate, and the nine girls acted as bridesmaids; ay! and Gus Hoskins came from town express to be my

groomsman, and had my old room at my mother's, and stayed with her for a week, and cast a sheep'seye

My aunt was very kind upon the marriage ceremony, indeed. She had desired me some weeks previous to

order three magnificent dresses for Mary from the celebrated Madame Mantalini of London, and some

elegant trinkets and embroidered pockethandkerchiefs from Howell and James's. These were sent down to

me, and were to be MY present to the bride; but Mrs. Hoggarty gave me to understand that I need never

trouble myself about the payment of the bill, and I thought her conduct very generous. Also she lent us her

chariot for the wedding journey, and made with her own hands a beautiful crimson satin reticule for Mrs.

Samuel Titmarsh, her dear niece. It contained a huswife completely furnished with needles, &c., for she

hoped Mrs. Titmarsh would never neglect her needle; and a purse containing some silver pennies, and a very

curious pocketpiece. "As long as you keep these, my dear," said Mrs. Hoggarty, "you will never want; and

ferventlyfervently do I pray that you will keep them." In the carriagepocket we found a paper of biscuits

and a bottle of Rosolio. We laughed at this, and made it over to Tom Wheelerwho, however, did not seem

I need not say I was married in Mr. Von Stiltz's coat (the third and fourth coats, Heaven help us! in a year),

We pleased ourselves during the honeymoon with forming plans for our life in London, and a pretty paradise

did we build for ourselves! Well, we were but forty years old between us; and, for my part, I never found any

Before I left London I had, to say the truth, looked round me for a proper place, befitting persons of our small

income; and Gus Hoskins and I, who hunted after officehours in couples, bad fixed on a very snug little

cottage in Camden Town, where there was a garden that certain SMALL PEOPLE might play in when they

came: a horse and gighouse, if ever we kept one,and why not, in a few years?and a fine healthy air, at

a reasonable distance from 'Change; all for 30L. a year. I had described this little spot to Mary as

enthusiastically as Sancho describes Lizias to Don Quixote; and my dear wife was delighted with the

prospect of housekeeping there, vowed she would cook all the best dishes herself (especially jampudding, of

which I confess I am very fond), and promised Gus that he should dine with us at Clematis Bower every

Sunday: only he must not smoke those horrid cigars. As for Gus, he vowed he would have a room in the

neighbourhood too, for he could not bear to go back to Bell Lane, where we two had been so happy together;

and so goodnatured Mary said she would ask my sister Winny to come and keep her company. At which

But all our hopes of a happy snug Clematis Lodge were dashed to the ground on our return from our little

honeymoon excursion; when Mrs. Hoggarty informed us that she was sick of the country, and was

determined to go to London with her dear nephew and niece, and keep house for them, and introduce them to

What could we do? We wished her atBath: certainly not in London. But there was no help for it; and we

were obliged to bring her: for, as my mother said, if we offended her, her fortune would go out of our family;

So we came to town rather dismally in the carriage, posting the whole way; for the carriage must be brought,

and a person of my aunt's rank in life could not travel by the stage. And I had to pay 14L. for the posters,

First we went into lodgings,into three sets in three weeks. We quarrelled with the first landlady, because

my aunt vowed that she cut a slice off the leg of mutton which was served for our dinner; from the second

lodgings we went because aunt vowed the maid would steal the candles; from the third we went because Aunt

Hoggarty came down to breakfast the morning after our arrival with her face shockingly swelled and bitten

bynever mind what. To cut a long tale short, I was half mad with the continual choppings and changings,

and the long stories and scoldings of my aunt. As for her great acquaintances, none of them were in London;

and she made it a matter of quarrel with me that I had not introduced her to John Brough, Esquire, M.P., and

Mr. Brough was at Brighton when we arrived in town; and on his return I did not care at first to tell our

Director that I had brought my aunt with me, or mention my embarrassments for money. He looked rather

serious when perforce I spoke of the latter to him and asked for an advance; but when he heard that my lack

of money had been occasioned by the bringing of my aunt to London, his tone instantly changed. "That, my

dear boy, alters the question; Mrs. Hoggarty is of an age when all things must be yielded to her. Here are a

hundred pounds; and I beg you to draw upon me whenever you are in the least in want of money." This gave

me breathingtime until she should pay her share of the household expenses. And the very next day Mr. and

Mrs. John Brough, in their splendid carriageand four, called upon Mrs. Hoggarty and my wife at our

It was on the very day when my poor aunt appeared with her face in that sad condition; and she did not fail to

inform Mrs. Brough of the cause, and to state that at Castle Hoggarty, or at her country place in

"Gracious heavens!" shouted John Brough, Esquire, "a lady of your rank to suffer in this way!the excellent

relative of my dear boy, Titmarsh! Never, madamnever let it be said that Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle

Hoggarty should be subject to such horrible humiliation, while John Brough has a home to offer her,a

humble, happy, Christian home, madam; though unlike, perhaps, the splendour to which you have been

accustomed in the course of your distinguished career. Isabella my love!Belinda! speak to Mrs. Hoggarty.

Tell her that John Brough's house is hers from garret to cellar. I repeat it, madam, from garret to cellar. I

desireI insistI order, that Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty's trunks should be placed this instant in my

carriage! Have the goodness to look to them yourself, Mrs. Titmarsh, and see that your dear aunt's comforts

Mary went away rather wondering at this order. But, to be sure, Mr. Brough was a great man, and her

Samuel's benefactor; and though the silly child absolutely began to cry as she packed and toiled at Aunt's

enormous valises, yet she performed the work, and came down with a smiling face to my aunt, who was

entertaining Mr. and Mrs. Brough with a long and particular account of the balls at the Castle, in Dublin, in

"I have packed the trunks, Aunt, but I am not strong enough to bring them down," said Mary.

"Certainly not, certainly not," said John Brough, perhaps a little ashamed. "Hallo! George, Frederic,

Augustus, come upstairs this instant, and bring down the trunks of Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty, which

Nay, so great was Mr. Brough's condescension, that when some of his fashionable servants refused to meddle

with the trunks, he himself seized a pair of them with both bands, carried them to the carriage, and shouted

loud enough for all Lamb's Conduit Street to hear, "John Brough is not proudno, no; and if his footmen are

Mrs. Brough was for running downstairs too, and taking the trunks from her husband; but they were too

heavy for her, so she contented herself with sitting on one, and asking all persons who passed her, whether

In this way it was that my aunt left us. I was not aware of her departure, for I was at the office at the time; and

strolling back at five with Gus, saw my dear Mary smiling and bobbing from the window, and beckoning to

us both to come up. This I thought was very strange, because Mrs. Hoggarty could not abide Hoskins, and

indeed had told me repeatedly that either she or he must quit the house. Well, we went upstairs, and there was

Mary, who had dried her tears and received us with the most smiling of faces, and laughed and clapped her

hands, and danced, and shook Gus's hand. And what do you think the little rogue proposed? I am blest if she

As dinner was laid for three persons only, Gus took his seat with fear and trembling; and then Mrs. Sam

Titmarsh related the circumstances which had occurred, and how Mrs. Hoggarty had been whisked away to

Fulham in Mr. Brough's splendid carriageandfour. "Let her go," I am sorry to say, said I; and indeed we

relished our vealcutlets and jampudding a great deal more than Mrs. Hoggarty did her dinner off plate at

We had a very merry party to Vauxhall, Gus insisting on standing treat; and you may be certain that my aunt,

whose absence was prolonged for three weeks, was heartily welcome to remain away, for we were much

merrier and more comfortable without her. My little Mary used to make my breakfast before I went to office

of mornings; and on Sundays we had a holiday, and saw the dear little children eat their boiled beef and

potatoes at the Foundling, and heard the beautiful music: but, beautiful as it is, I think the children were a

more beautiful sight still, and the look of their innocent happy faces was better than the best sermon. On

weekdays Mrs. Titmarsh would take a walk about five o'clock in the evening on the LEFThand side of

Lamb's Conduit Street (as you go to Holborn)ay, and sometimes pursue her walk as far as Snow Hill,

when two young gents from the I. W. D. Fire and Life were pretty sure to meet her; and then how happily we

all trudged off to dinner! Once we came up as a monster of a man, with high heels and a goldheaded cane,

and whiskers all over his face, was grinning under Mary's bonnet, and chattering to her, close to Day and

Martin's Blacking Manufactory (not near such a handsome thing then as it is now)there was the man

chattering and ogling his best, when who should come up but Gus and I? And in the twinkling of a pegpost,

as Lord Duberley says, my gentleman was seized by the collar of his coat and found himself sprawling under

a stand of hackneycoaches; where all the watermen were grinning at him. The best of it was, he left his

HEAD OF HAIR AND WHISKERS in my hand: but Mary said, "Don't be hard upon him, Samuel; it's only a

Frenchman." And so we gave him his wig back, which one of the grinning stableboys put on and carried to

He shrieked out something about "arretez," and "Francais," and "champd'honneur;" but we walked on, Gus

putting his thumb to his nose and stretching out his finger at Master Frenchman. This made everybody laugh;

About ten days after my aunt's departure came a letter from her, of which I give a copy:

"My Dear Nephew,It was my earnest whish e'er this to have returned to London, where I am sure you and

my niece Titmarsh miss me very much, and where she, poor thing, quite inexperienced in the ways of 'the

great metropulus,' in aconamy, and indeed in every qualaty requasit in a good wife and the mistress of a

"Tell her ON NO ACCOUNT to pay more than 6.5D. for the prime pieces, 4.75D. for soup meat; and that the

very best of London butter is to be had for 8.5D.; of course, for pudns and the kitchin you'll employ a

commoner sort. My trunks were sadly packed by Mrs. Titmarsh, and the hasp of the portmantyoulock has

gone through my yellow satn. I have darned it, and woar it already twice, at two ellygant (though quiat)

eveningparties given by my HOSPATABLE host; and my pegreen velvet on Saturday at a grand dinner,

when Lord Scaramouch handed me to table. Everything was in the most SUMPTIOUS STYLE. Soup top and

LOBSTERSAUCE. Lobsters alone cost 15S. Turbit, three guineas. The hole sammon, weighing, I'm sure,

15 lbs., and NEVER SEEN at table again; not a bitt of pickled sammon the hole weak afterwards. This kind

of extravigance would JUST SUIT Mrs. Sam Titmarsh, who, as I always say, burns THE CANDLE AT

BOTH ENDS. Well, young people, it is lucky for you you have an old aunt who knows better, and has a long

purse; without witch, I dare say, SOME folks would be glad to see her out of doors. I don't mean you,

Samuel, who have, I must say, been a dutiful nephew to me. Well, I dare say I shan't live long, and some

"Indeed, on Sunday I was taken in my stomick very ill, and thought it might have been the lobstersauce; but

Doctor Blogg, who was called in, said it was, he very much feared, CUMSUMPTIVE; but gave me some

pills and a draft wh made me better. Please call upon him he lives at Pimlico, and you can walk out there

after office hoursand present him with 1L. lS., with my compliments. I have no money here but a 10L.

"Although the flesh is not neglected in Mr. B.'s sumptious establishment, I can assure you the SPERRIT is

likewise cared for. Mr. B. reads and igspounds every morning; and o but his exorcises refresh the hungry sole

before breakfast! Everything is in the handsomest style,silver and goold plate at breakfast, lunch, and

dinner; and his crest and motty, a beehive, with the Latn word INDUSTRIA, meaning industry, on

EVERYTHINGeven on the chany juggs and things in my beddroom. On Sunday we were favoured by a

special outpouring from the Rev. Grimes Wapshot, of the Amabaptist Congrigation here, and who egshorted

for 3 hours in the afternoon in Mr. B.'s private chapel. As the widow of a Hoggarty, I have always been a

staunch supporter of the established Church of England and Ireland; but I must say Mr. Wapshot's stirring

way was far superior to that of the Rev. Bland Blenkinsop of the Establishment, who lifted up his voice after

"Mrs. Brough is, between ourselves, a poor creature, and has no sperrit of her own. As for Miss B., she is so

saucy that once I promised to box her years; and would have left the house, had not Mr. B. taken my part, and

"I don't know when I shall return to town, being made really so welcome here. Dr. Blogg says the air of

Fulham is the best in the world for my simtums; and as the ladies of the house do not choose to walk out with

me, the Rev. Grimes Wapshot has often been kind enough to lend me his arm, and 'tis sweet with such a

guide to wander both to Putney and Wandsworth, and igsamin the wonderful works of nature. I have spoke to

him about the Slopperton property, and he is not of Mr. B.'s opinion that I should sell it; but on this point I

"Meantime you must gett into more comfortable lodgings, and lett my bedd be warmed every night, and of

rainy days have a fire in the grate: and let Mrs. Titmarsh look up my blue silk dress, and turn it against I

come; and there is my purple spencer she can have for herself; and I hope she does not wear those three

splendid gowns you gave her, but keep them until BETTER TIMES. I shall soon introduse her to my friend

"I have ordered a chest of the Rosolio to be sent from Somersetshire. When it comes, please to send half

down here (paying the carriage, of course). 'Twill be an acceptable present to my kind entertainer, Mr. B."

This letter was brought to me by Mr. Brough himself at the office, who apologised to me for having broken

the seal by inadvertence; for the letter had been mingled with some more of his own, and he opened it without

looking at the superscription. Of course he had not read it, and I was glad of that; for I should not have liked

The next day, a gentleman at "Tom's Coffeehouse," Cornhill, sent me word at the office that he wanted

particularly to speak to me: and I stopped thither, and found my old friend Smithers, of the house of Hodge

"Sam my boy," said he, "you are your aunt's heir, and I have a piece of news for you regarding her property

which you ought to know. She wrote us down a letter for a chest of that homemade wine of hers which she

"Well," says I, smiling, "she may part with as much Rosolio as she likes for me. I cede all my right."

"Psha!" says Smithers, "it's not that; though her furniture puts us to a deuced inconvenience, to be sureit's

not that: but, in the postscript of her letter, she orders us to advertise the Slopperton and Squashtail estates for

I know that the Slopperton and Squashtail property had been the source of a very pretty income to Messrs.

Hodge and Smithers, for Aunt was always at law with her tenants, and paid dearly for her litigious spirit; so

that Mr. Smithers's concern regarding the sale of it did not seem to me to be quite disinterested.

"And did you come to London, Mr. Smithers, expressly to acquaint me with this fact? It seems to me you had

much better have obeyed my aunt's instructions at once, or go to her at Fulham, and consult with her on this

"'Sdeath, Mr. Titmarsh! don't you see that if she makes a sale of her property, she will hand over the money

"Will give her seven per cent. for it instead of three,there's no harm in that."

"But there's such a thing as security, look you. He is a warm man, certainlyvery warmquite

respectablemost undoubtedly respectable. But who knows? A panic may take place; and then these five

hundred companies in which he is engaged may bring him to ruin. There's the Ginger Beer Company, of

which Brough is a director: awkward reports are abroad concerning it. The Consolidated Baffin's Bay Muff

and Tippet Companythe shares are down very low, and Brough is a director there. The Patent Pump

"Nonsense, Mr. Smithers! Has not Mr. Brough five hundred thousand pounds' worth of shares in the

INDEPENDENT WEST DIDDLESEX, and is THAT at a discount? Who recommended my aunt to invest

"Well, well, it is a very good speculation, certainly, and has brought you three hundred a year, Sam my boy;

and you may thank us for the interest we took in you (indeed, we loved you as a son, and Miss Hodge has not

recovered a certain marriage yet). You don't intend to rebuke us for making your fortune, do you?"

"No, hang it, no!" says I, and shook hands with him, and accepted a glass of sherry and biscuits, which he

Smithers returned, however, to the charge. "Sam," he said, "mark my words, and take your aunt AWAY

FROM THE ROOKERY. She wrote to Mrs. S. a long account of a reverend gent with whom she walks out

there,the Reverend Grimes Wapshot. That man has an eye upon her. He was tried at Lancaster in the year

'14 for forgery, and narrowly escaped with his neck. Have a care of himhe has an eye to her money."

He read it over very carefully, seemed to be amused by it; and as he returned it to me, "Well, Sam," he said,

"I have only two favours to ask of you: one is, not to mention that I am in town to any living soul; and the

"I promise you both gladly," I said, laughing. "But if you dine with us, your arrival in town must be known,

for my friend Gus Hoskins dines with us likewise; and has done so nearly every day since my aunt went."

He laughed too, and said, "We must swear Gus to secrecy over a bottle." And so we parted till dinnertime.

The indefatigable lawyer pursued his attack after dinner, and was supported by Gus and by my wife too; who

certainly was disinterested in the mattermore than disinterested, for she would have given a great deal to

be spared my aunt's company. But she said she saw the force of Mr. Smithers's arguments, and I admitted

their justice with a sigh. However, I rode my high horse, and vowed that my aunt should do what she liked

with her money; and that I was not the man who would influence her in any way in the disposal of it.

After tea, the two gents walked away together, and Gus told me that Smithers had asked him a thousand

questions about the office, about Brough, about me and my wife, and everything concerning us. "You are a

lucky fellow, Mr. Hoskins, and seem to be the friend of this charming young couple," said Smithers; and Gus

confessed he was, and said he had dined with us fifteen times in six weeks, and that a better and more

hospitable fellow than I did not exist. This I state not to trumpet my own praises,no, no; but because these

questions of Smithers's had a good deal to do with the subsequent events narrated in this little history.

Being seated at dinner the next day off the cold leg of mutton that Smithers had admired so the day before,

and Gus as usual having his legs under our mahogany, a hackneycoach drove up to the door, which we did

not much heed; a step was heard on the floor, which we hoped might be for the twopair lodger, when who

should burst into the room but Mrs. Hoggarty herself! Gus, who was blowing the froth off a pot of porter

preparatory to a delicious drink of the beverage, and had been making us die of laughing with his stories and

jokes, laid down the pewter pot as Mrs. H. came in, and looked quite sick and pale. Indeed we all felt a little

My aunt looked haughtily in Mary's face, then fiercely at Gus, and saying, "It is too truemy poor

boyALREADY!" flung herself hysterically into my arms, and swore, almost choking, that she would never

I could not understand the meaning of this extraordinary agitation on Mrs. Hoggarty's part, nor could any of

us. She refused Mary's hand when the poor thing rather nervously offered it; and when Gus timidly said, "I

think, Sam, I'm rather in the way here, and perhapshad better go," Mrs. H. looked him full in the face,

pointed to the door majestically with her forefinger, and said, "I think, sir, you HAD better go."

"I hope Mr. Hoskins will stay as long as he pleases," said my wife, with spirit.

"OF COURSE you hope so, madam," answered Mrs. Hoggarty, very sarcastic. But Mary's speech and my

aunt's were quite lost upon Gus; for he had instantly run to his hat, and I heard him tumbling downstairs.

The quarrel ended, as usual, by Mary's bursting into a fit of tears, and by my aunt's repeating the assertion

that it was not too late, she trusted; and from that day forth she would never never leave me.

"What could have made Aunt return and be so angry?" said I to Mary that night, as we were in our own room;

but my wife protested she did not know: and it was only some time after that I found out the reason of this

The horrible fat coarse little Smithers told me the matter as a very good joke, only the other year, when he

showed me the letter of Hickson, Dixon, Paxton and Jackson, which has before been quoted in my Memoirs.

"Sam my boy," said he, "you were determined to leave Mrs. Hoggarty in Brough's clutches at the Rookery,

and I was determined to have her away. I resolved to kill two of your mortal enemies with one stone as it

were. It was quite clear to me that the Reverend Grimes Wapshot had an eye to your aunt's fortune; and that

Mr. Brough had similar predatory intentions regarding her. Predatory is a mild word, Sam: if I had said

"Well, I took the Fulham stage, and arriving, made straight for the lodgings of the reverend gentleman. 'Sir,'

said I, on finding that worthy gent,he was drinking warm brandyandwater, Sam, at two o'clock in the

day, or at least the room smelt very strongly of that beverage'Sir,' says I, 'you were tried for forgery in the

"'But you were not acquitted of embezzlement in '16, sir,' says I, 'and passed two years in York Gaol in

consequence.' I knew the fellow's history, for I had a writ out against him when he was a preacher at Clifton. I

followed up my blow. 'Mr. Wapshot,' said I, 'you are making love to an excellent lady now at the house of

Mr. Brough: if you do not promise to give up all pursuit of her, I will expose you.'

"'I HAVE promised,' said Wapshot, rather surprised, and looking more easy. 'I have given my solemn

promise to Mr. Brough, who was with me this very morning, storming, and scolding, and swearing. Oh, sir, it

"'Yes; I suppose you are both here on the same scent,' says Wapshot. 'You want to marry the widow with the

Slopperton and Squashtail estate, do you? Well, well, have your way. I've promised not to have anything

"'I suppose, sir,' says I, 'Mr. Brough has threatened to kick you out of doors, if you call again.'

"'You HAVE been with him, I see,' says the reverend gent, with a shrug: then I remembered what you had

told me of the broken seal of your letter, and have not the slightest doubt that Brough opened and read every

"Well, the first bird was bagged: both I and Brough had had a shot at him. Now I had to fire at the whole

"It was past eight when I arrived, and I saw, after I passed the lodgegates, a figure that I knew, walking in

the shrubberythat of your respected aunt, sir: but I wished to meet the amiable ladies of the house before I

saw her; because look, friend Titmarsh, I saw by Mrs. Hoggarty's letter, that she and they were at daggers

drawn, and hoped to get her out of the house at once by means of a quarrel with them."

"As luck would have it," continued he, "Miss Brough was in the drawingroom twangling on a guitar, and

singing most atrociously out of tune; but as I entered at the door, I cried 'Hush!' to the footman, as loud as

possible, stood stockstill, and then walked forward on tiptoe lightly. Miss B. could see in the glass every

movement that I made; she pretended not to see, however, and finished the song with a regular roulade.

"'Gracious Heaven!' said I, 'do, madam, pardon me for interrupting that delicious harmony,for coming

"'Do you come for Mamma, sir?' said Miss Brough, with as much graciousness as her physiognomy could

"'I wish, madam, you would let me not breathe a word regarding my business until you have sung another

"She did not sing, but looked pleased, and said, 'La! sir, what is your business?'

"'Oh, Mrs. Hoggarty!' says Miss Brough, flouncing towards the bell, and ringing it. 'John, send to Mrs.

"'I know,' continued I, 'Mrs. Hoggarty's peculiarities as well as anyone, madam; and aware that those and her

education are not such as to make her a fit companion for you. I know you do not like her: she has written to

"'What! she has been abusing us to her friends, has she?' cried Miss Brough (it was the very point I wished to

"'She HAS made rather a long visit,' said I; 'and I am sure that her nephew and niece are longing for her

return. Pray, madam, do not move, for you may aid me in the object for which I come.'

"The object for which I came, sir, was to establish a regular battleroyal between the two ladies; at the end of

which I intended to appeal to Mrs. Hoggarty, and say that she ought really no longer to stay in a house with

the members of which she had such unhappy differences. Well, sir, the battleroyal was fought,Miss

Belinda opening the fire, by saying she understood Mrs. Hoggarty had been calumniating her to her friends.

But though at the end of it Miss rushed out of the room in a rage, and vowed she would leave her home

unless that odious woman left it, your dear aunt said, 'Ha, ha! I know the minx's vile stratagems; but, thank

Heaven! I have a good heart, and my religion enables me to forgive her. I shall not leave her excellent papa's

"I then tried Mrs. H. on the score of compassion. 'Your niece,' said I, 'Mrs. Titmarsh, madam, has been of

late, Sam says, rather poorly,qualmish of mornings, madam,a little nervous, and low in

spirits,symptoms, madam, that are scarcely to be mistaken in a young married person.'

"Mrs. Hoggarty said she had an admirable cordial that she would send Mrs. Samuel Titmarsh, and she was

"With very great unwillingness I was obliged now to bring my last reserve into the field, and may tell you

what that was, Sam my boy, now that the matter is so long passed. 'Madam,' said I, 'there's a matter about

which I must speak, though indeed I scarcely dare. I dined with your nephew yesterday, and met at his table a

young man a young man of low manners, but evidently one who has blinded your nephew, and I too much

fear has succeeded in making an impression upon your niece. His name is Hoskins, madam; and when I state

that he who was never in the house during your presence there, has dined with your too confiding nephew

sixteen times in three weeks, I may leave you to imagine what I dare notdare not imagine myself.'

"The shot told. Your aunt bounced up at once, and in ten minutes more was in my carriage, on our way back

"And you played this pretty trick off at my wife's expense, Mr. Smithers," said I.

"It's lucky, sir, that you are an old man," I replied, "and that the affair happened ten years ago; or, by the

Lord, Mr. Smithers, I would have given you such a horsewhipping as you never heard of!"

But this was the way in which Mrs. Hoggarty was brought back to her relatives; and this was the reason why

we took that house in Bernard Street, the doings at which must now he described.

We took a genteel house in Bernard Street, Russell Square, and my aunt sent for all her furniture from the

country; which would have filled two such houses, but which came pretty cheap to us young housekeepers, as

When I brought Mrs. H. her third halfyear's dividend, having not for four months touched a shilling of her

money, I must say she gave me 50L. of the 80L., and told me that was ample pay for the board and lodging of

I have myself, in the country, seen her eat nine sparrows in a pudding; but she was rich and I could not

complain. If she saved 600L. a year, at the least, by living with us, why, all the savings would one day come

to me; and so Mary and I consoled ourselves, and tried to manage matters as well as we might. It was no easy

task to keep a mansion in Bernard Street and save money out of 470L. a year, which was my income. But

As Mrs. Hoggarty left the Rookery in Smithers's carriage, Mr. Brough, with his four greys, was entering the

lodgegate; and I should like to have seen the looks of these two gentlemen, as the one was carrying the

He came to see her the next day, and protested that he would not leave the house until she left it with him:

that he had heard of his daughter's infamous conduct, and had seen her in tears"in tears, madam, and on

her knees, imploring Heaven to pardon her!" But Mr. B. was obliged to leave the house without my aunt, who

had a causa major for staying, and hardly allowed poor Mary out of her sight,opening every one of the

letters that came into the house directed to my wife, and suspecting hers to everybody. Mary never told me of

all this pain for many many years afterwards; but had always a smiling face for her husband when he came

home from his work. As for poor Gus, my aunt had so frightened him, that he never once showed his nose in

the place all the time we lived there; but used to be content with news of Mary, of whom he was as fond as he

Mr. Brough, when my aunt left him, was in a furious illhumour with me. He found fault with me ten times a

day, and openly, before the gents of the office; but I let him one day know pretty smartly that I was not only a

servant, but a considerable shareholder in the company; that I defied him to find fault with my work or my

regularity; and that I was not minded to receive any insolent language from him or any man. He said it was

always so: that he had never cherished a young man in his bosom, but the ingrate had turned on him; that he

was accustomed to wrong and undutifulness from his children, and that he would pray that the sin might be

forgiven me. A moment before he had been cursing and swearing at me, and speaking to me as if I had been

his shoeblack. But, look you, I was not going to put up with any more of Madam Brough's airs, or of his.

With me they might act as they thought fit; but I did not choose that my wife should be passed over by them,

Brough ended by warning me of Hodge and Smithers. "Beware of these men," said he; "but for my honesty,

your aunt's landed property would have been sacrificed by these cormorants: and when, for her

benefitwhich you, obstinate young man, will not perceiveI wished to dispose of her land, her attorneys

actually had the audacitythe unchristian avarice I may sayto ask ten per cent. commission on the sale."

There might be some truth in this, I thought: at any rate, when rogues fall out, honest men come by their own:

and now I began to suspect, I am sorry to say, that both the attorney and the Director had a little of the rogue

in their composition. It was especially about my wife's fortune that Mr. B. showed HIS cloven foot: for

proposing, as usual, that I should purchase shares with it in our Company, I told him that my wife was a

minor, and as such her little fortune was vested out of my control altogether. He flung away in a rage at this;

and I soon saw that he did not care for me any more, by Abednego's manner to me. No more holidays, no

more advances of money, had I: on the contrary, the private clerkship at 150L. was abolished, and I found

myself on my 250L. a year again. Well, what then? it was always a good income, and I did my duty, and

About this time, in the beginning of 1824, the Jamaica Ginger Beer Company shut up shopexploded, as

Gus said, with a bang! The Patent Pump shares were down to 15L. upon a paidup capital of 65L. Still ours

were at a high premium; and the Independent West Diddlesex held its head up as proudly as any office in

London. Roundhand's abuse had had some influence against the Director, certainly; for he hinted at

malversation of shares: but the Company still stood as united as the HandinHand, and as firm as the Rock.

To return to the state of affairs in Bernard Street, Russell Square: my aunt's old furniture crammed our little

rooms; and my aunt's enormous old jingling grand piano, with crooked legs and half the strings broken,

occupied threefourths of the little drawingroom. Here used Mrs. H. to sit, and play us, for hours, sonatas

that were in fashion in Lord Charleville's time; and sung with a cracked voice, till it was all that we could do

And it was queer to remark the change that had taken place in Mrs. Hoggarty's character now: for whereas

she was in the country among the topping persons of the village, and quite content with a teaparty at six and a

game of twopenny whist afterwards,in London she would never dine till seven; would have a fly from the

mews to drive in the Park twice a week; cut and uncut, and ripped up and twisted over and over, all her old

gowns, flounces, caps, and fallals, and kept my poor Mary from morning till night altering them to the

present mode. Mrs. Hoggarty, moreover, appeared in a new wig; and, I am sorry to say, turned out with such

a pair of red cheeks as Nature never gave her, and as made all the people in Bernard Street stare, where they

Moreover, she insisted upon our establishing a servant in livery, a boy, that is, of about sixteen,who was

dressed in one of the old liveries that she had brought with her from Somersetshire, decorated with new cuffs

and collars, and new buttons: on the latter were represented the united crests of the Titmarshes and

Hoggartys, viz., a tomtit rampant and a hog in armour. I thought this livery and crestbutton rather absurd, I

must confess; though my family is very ancient. And heavens! what a roar of laughter was raised in the office

one day, when the little servant in the big livery, with the immense cane, walked in and brought me a

message from Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty! Furthermore, all letters were delivered on a silver tray. If

we had had a baby, I believe Aunt would have had it down on the tray: but there was as yet no foundation for

Mr. Smithers's insinuation upon that score, any more than for his other cowardly fabrication before narrated.

Aunt and Mary used to walk gravely up and down the New Road, with the boy following with his great

goldheaded stick; but though there was all this ceremony and parade, and Aunt still talked of her

acquaintances, we did not see a single person from week's end to week's end, and a more dismal house than

On Sundays, Mrs. Hoggarty used to go to St. Pancras Church, then just built, and as handsome as Covent

Garden Theatre; and of evenings, to a meetinghouse of the Anabaptists: and that day, at least, Mary and I

had to ourselves,for we chose to have seats at the Foundling, and heard the charming music there, and my

wife used to look wistfully in the pretty children's faces,and so, for the matter of that, did I. It was not,

however, till a year after our marriage that she spoke in a way which shall be here passed over, but which

I remember she had the news to give me on the very day when the Muff and Tippet Company shut up, after

swallowing a capital of 300,000L. as some said, and nothing to show for it except a treaty with some Indians,

who had afterwards tomahawked the agent of the Company. Some people said there were no Indians, and no

agent to be tomahawked at all; but that the whole had been invented in a house in Crutched Friars. Well, I

pitied poor Tidd, whose 20,000L. were thus gone in a year, and whom I met in the City that day with a most

ghastly face. He had 1,000L. of debts, he said, and talked of shooting himself; but he was only arrested, and

passed a long time in the Fleet. Mary's delightful news, however, soon put Tidd and the Muff and Tippet

Other circumstances now occurred in the City of London which seemed to show that our Director waswhat

is not to be found in Johnson's Dictionaryrather shaky. Three of his companies had broken; four more were

in a notoriously insolvent state; and even at the meetings of the directors of the West Diddlesex, some stormy

words passed, which ended in the retirement of several of the board. Friends of Mr. B.'s filled up their places:

Mr. Puppet, Mr. Straw, Mr. Query, and other respectable gents, coming forward and joining the concern.

Brough and Hoff dissolved partnership; and Mr. B. said he had quite enough to do to manage the I. W. D.,

and intended gradually to retire from the other affairs. Indeed, such an Association as ours was enough work

for any man, let alone the parliamentary duties which Brough was called on to perform, and the seventytwo

Perhaps I should here describe the desperate attempts made by Mrs. Hoggarty to introduce herself into

genteel life. Strange to say, although we had my Lord Tiptoff's word to the contrary, she insisted upon it that

she and Lady Drum were intimately related; and no sooner did she read in the Morning Post of the arrival of

her Ladyship and her granddaughters in London, than she ordered the fly before mentioned, and left cards at

their respective houses: her card, that is"MRS. HOGGARTY OF CASTLE HOGGARTY," magnificently

engraved in Gothic letters and flourishes; and ours, viz., "Mr. and Mrs. S. Titmarsh," which she had printed

She would have stormed Lady Jane Preston's door and forced her way upstairs, in spite of Mary's entreaties to

the contrary, had the footman who received her card given her the least encouragement; but that functionary,

no doubt struck by the oddity of her appearance, placed himself in the front of the door, and declared that he

had positive orders not to admit any strangers to his lady. On which Mrs. Hoggarty clenched her fist out of

Yellowplush only burst out laughing at this; and though Aunt wrote a most indignant letter to Mr. Edmund

Preston, complaining of the insolence of the servants of that right honourable gent, Mr. Preston did not take

any notice of her letter, further than to return it, with a desire that he might not be troubled with such

impertinent visits for the future. A pretty day we had of it when this letter arrived, owing to my aunt's

disappointment and rage in reading the contents; for when Solomon brought up the note on the silver teatray

as usual, my aunt, seeing Mr. Preston's seal and name at the corner of the letter (which is the common way of

writing adopted by those official gents)my aunt, I say, seeing his name and seal, cried, "NOW, Mary, who

is right?" and betted my wife a sixpence that the envelope contained an invitation to dinner. She never paid

the sixpence, though she lost, but contented herself by abusing Mary all day, and said I was a poorspirited

sneak for not instantly horsewhipping Mr. P. A pretty joke, indeed! They would have hanged me in those

And now I should be glad to enlarge upon that experience in genteel life which I obtained through the

perseverance of Mrs. Hoggarty; but it must be owned that my opportunities were but few, lasting only for the

brief period of six months: and also, genteel society has been fully described already by various authors of

novels, whose names need not here be set down, but who, being themselves connected with the aristocracy,

viz., as members of noble families, or as footmen or hangerson thereof, naturally understand their subject a

There was our celebrated adventure in the Opera House, whither Mrs. H. would insist upon conducting us;

and where, in a room of the establishment called the crushroom, where the ladies and gents after the music

and dancing await the arrival of their carriages (a pretty figure did our little Solomon cut, by the way, with his

big cane, among the gentlemen of the shoulderknot assembled in the lobby!)where, I say, in the

crushroom, Mrs. H. rushed up to old Lady Drum, whom I pointed out to her, and insisted upon claiming

relationship with her Ladyship. But my Lady Drum had only a memory when she chose, as I may say, and

had entirely on this occasion thought fit to forget her connection with the Titmarshes and Hoggarties. Far

from recognising us, indeed, she called Mrs. Hoggarty an "ojus 'oman," and screamed out as loud as possible

This and other rebuffs made my aunt perceive the vanities of this wicked world, as she said, and threw her

more and more into really serious society. She formed several very valuable acquaintances, she said, at the

Independent Chapel; and among others, lighted upon her friend of the Rookery, Mr. Grimes Wapshot. We did

not know then the interview which he had had with Mr. Smithers, nor did Grimes think proper to acquaint us

with the particulars of it; but though I did acquaint Mrs. H. with the fact that her favourite preacher had been

tried for forgery, SHE replied that she considered the story an atrocious calumny; and HE answered by saying

that Mary and I were in lamentable darkness, and that we should infallibly find the way to a certain

bottomless pit, of which he seemed to know a great deal. Under the reverend gentleman's guidance and

advice, she, after a time, separated from St. Pancras altogether"SAT UNDER HIM," as the phrase is,

regularly thrice a weekbegan to labour in the conversion of the poor of Bloomsbury and St. Giles's, and

made a deal of babylinen for distribution among those benighted people. She did not make any, however,

for Mrs. Sam Titmarsh, who now showed signs that such would be speedily necessary, but let Mary (and my

mother and sisters in Somersetshire) provide what was requisite for the coming event. I am not, indeed, sure

that she did not say it was wrong on our parts to make any such provision, and that we ought to let the

morrow provide for itself. At any rate, the Reverend Grimes Wapshot drank a deal of brandyandwater at

But I had little leisure to attend to him and his doings; for I must confess at this time I was growing very

embarrassed in my circumstances, and was much harassed both as a private and public character.

As regards the former, Mrs. Hoggarty had given me 50L.; but out of that 50L. I had to pay a journey post

from Somersetshire, all the carriage of her goods from the country, the painting, papering, and carpeting of

my house, the brandy and strong liquors drunk by the Reverend Grimes and his friends (for the reverend gent

said that Rosolio did not agree with him); and finally, a thousand small bills and expenses incident to all

Add to this, I received just at the time when I was most in want of cash, Madame Mantalini's bill, Messrs.

Howell and James's ditto, the account of Baron Von Stiltz, and the bill of Mr. Polonius for the setting of the

diamond pin. All these bills arrived in a week, as they have a knack of doing; and fancy my astonishment in

presenting them to Mrs. Hoggarty, when she said, "Well, my dear, you are in the receipt of a very fine

income. If you choose to order dresses and jewels from firstrate shops, you must pay for them; and don't

expect that I am to abet your extravagance, or give you a shilling more than the munificent sum I pay you for

How could I tell Mary of this behaviour of Mrs. Hoggarty, and Mary in such a delicate condition? And bad as

matters were at home, I am sorry to say at the office they began to look still worse.

Not only did Roundhand leave, but Highmore went away. Abednego became head clerk: and one day old

Abednego came to the place and was shown into the directors' private room; when he left it, he came

trembling, chattering, and cursing downstairs; and had begun, "Shentlemen" a speech to the very clerks in

the office, when Mr. Brough, with an imploring look, and crying out, "Stop till Saturday!" at length got him

On Saturday Abednego junior left the office for ever, and I became head clerk with 400L. a year salary. It

was a fatal week for the office, too. On Monday, when I arrived and took my seat at the head desk, and my

first read of the newspaper, as was my right, the first thing I read was, "Frightful fire in Houndsditch! Total

destruction of Mr. Meshach's sealingwax manufactory and of Mr. Shadrach's clothing depot, adjoining. In

the former was 20,000L. worth of the finest Dutch wax, which the voracious element attacked and devoured

in a twinkling. The latter estimable gentleman had just completed forty thousand suits of clothes for the

Both of these Jewish gents, who were connections of Mr. Abednego, were insured in our office to the full

amount of their loss. The calamity was attributed to the drunkenness of a scoundrelly Irish watchman, who

was employed on the premises, and who upset a bottle of whisky in the warehouse of Messrs. Shadrach, and

incautiously looked for the liquor with a lighted candle. The man was brought to our office by his employers;

and certainly, as we all could testify, was EVEN THEN in a state of frightful intoxication.

As if this were not sufficient, in the obituary was announced the demise of Alderman PashAlderman

CallyPash we used to call him in our lighter hours, knowing his propensity to green fat: but such a moment

as this was no time for joking! He was insured by our house for 5,000L. And now I saw very well the truth of

a remark of Gus'sviz., that lifeassurance companies go on excellently for a year or two after their

establishment, but that it is much more difficult to make them profitable when the assured parties begin to

The Jewish fires were the heaviest blows we had had; for though the Waddingley Cottonmills had been

burnt in 1822, at a loss to the Company of 80,000L., and though the Patent Erostratus Match Manufactory

had exploded in the same year at a charge of 14,000L., there were those who said that the loss had not been

near so heavy as was supposednay, that the Company had burnt the abovenamed establishments as

advertisements for themselves. Of these facts I can't be positive, having never seen the early accounts of the

Contrary to the expectation of all us gents, who were ourselves as dismal as mutes, Mr. Brough came to the

office in his coachandfour, laughing and joking with a friend as he stepped out at the door.

"Gentlemen!" said he, "you have read the papers; they announce an event which I most deeply deplore. I

mean the demise of the excellent Alderman Pash, one of our constituents. But if anything can console me for

the loss of that worthy man, it is to think that his children and widow will receive, at eleven o'clock next

Saturday, 5,000L. from my friend Mr. Titmarsh, who is now head clerk here. As for the accident which has

happened to Messrs. Shadrach and Meshach,in THAT, at least, there is nothing that can occasion any

person sorrow. On Saturday next, or as soon as the particulars of their loss can be satisfactorily ascertained,

my friend Mr. Titmarsh will pay to them across the counter a sum of forty, fifty, eighty, one hundred

thousand poundsaccording to the amount of their loss. THEY, at least, will be remunerated; and though to

our proprietors the outlay will no doubt be considerable, yet we can afford it, gentlemen. John Brough can

afford it himself, for the matter of that, and not be very much embarrassed; and we must learn to bear

illfortune as we have hitherto borne good, and show ourselves to be men always!"

Mr. B. concluded with some allusions, which I confess I don't like to give here; for to speak of Heaven in

connection with common worldly matters, has always appeared to me irreverent; and to bring it to bear

witness to the lie in his mouth, as a religious hypocrite does, is such a frightful crime, that one should be

Mr. Brough's speech somehow found its way into the newspapers of that very evening; nor can I think who

gave a report of it, for none of our gents left the office that day until the evening papers had appeared. But

there was the speechay, and at the week's end, although Roundhand was heard on 'Change that day

declaring he would bet five to one that Alderman Pash's money would never be paid,at the week's end the

money was paid by me to Mrs. Pash's solicitor across the counter, and no doubt Roundhand lost his money.

Shall I tell how the money was procured? There can be no harm in mentioning the matter now after twenty

years' lapse of time; and moreover, it is greatly to the credit of two individuals now dead.

As I was head clerk, I had occasion to be frequently in Brough's room, and he now seemed once more

"Titmarsh my boy," said he one day to me, after looking me hard in the face, "did you ever hear of the fate of

the great Mr. Silberschmidt of London?" Of course I had. Mr. Silberschmidt, the Rothschild of his day

(indeed I have heard the latter famous gent was originally a clerk in Silberschmidt's house)Silberschmidt,

fancying he could not meet his engagements, committed suicide; and had he lived till four o'clock that day,

would have known that he was worth 400,000L. To tell you frankly the truth," says Mr. B., "I am in

Silberschmidt's case. My late partner, Hoff, has given bills in the name of the firm to an enormous amount,

and I have been obliged to meet them. I have been cast in fourteen actions, brought by creditors of that

infernal Ginger Beer Company; and all the debts are put upon my shoulders, on account of my known wealth.

Now, unless I have time, I cannot pay; and the long and short of the matter is that if I cannot procure 5,000L.

"What! the West Diddlesex ruined?" says I, thinking of my poor mother's annuity. "Impossible! our business

"We must have 5,000L. on Saturday, and we are saved; and if you will, as you can, get it for me, I will give

B. then showed me to a fraction the accounts of the concern, and his own private account; proving beyond the

possibility of a doubt, that with the 5,000L. our office must be set agoing; and without it, that the concern

must stop. No matter how he proved the thing; but there is, you know, a dictum of a statesman that, give him

I promised to ask Mrs. Hoggarty once more for the money, and she seemed not to be disinclined. I told him

so; and that day he called upon her, his wife called upon her, his daughter called upon her, and once more the

But Mrs. Brough was a bad manager; and, instead of carrying matters with a high hand, fairly burst into tears

before Mrs. Hoggarty, and went down on her knees and besought her to save dear John. This at once aroused

my aunt's suspicions; and instead of lending the money, she wrote off to Mr. Smithers instantly to come up to

her, desired me to give her up the 3,000L. scrip shares that I possessed, called me an atrocious cheat and

How was Mr. Brough to get the money? I will tell you. Being in his room one day, old Gates the Fulham

porter came and brought him from Mr. Balls, the pawnbroker, a sum of 1,200L. Missus told him, he said, to

carry the plate to Mr. Balls; and having paid the money, old Gates fumbled a great deal in his pockets, and at

last pulled out a 5L. note, which he said his daughter Jane had just sent him from service, and begged Mr. B.

would let him have another share in the Company. "He was mortal sure it would go right yet. And when he

heard master crying and cursing as he and missus were walking in the shrubbery, and saying that for the want

of a few poundsa few shillingsthe finest fortune in Europe was to be overthrown, why Gates and his

woman thought that they should come for'ard, to be sure, with all they could, to help the kindest master and

This was the substance of Gates's speech; and Mr. Brough shook his hand andtook the 5L. "Gates," said

he, "that 5L. note shall be the best outlay you ever made in your life!" and I have no doubt it was,but it was

Nor was this the only instance. Mrs. Brough's sister, Miss Dough, who had been on bad terms with the

Director almost ever since he had risen to be a great man, came to the office with a power of attorney, and

said, "John, Isabella has been with me this morning, and says you want money, and I have brought you my

4,000L.; it is all I have, John, and pray God it may do you goodyou and my dear sister, who was the best

And she laid down the paper: I was called up to witness it, and Brough, with tears in his eyes, told me her

words; for he could trust me, he said. And thus it was that I came to be present at Gates's interview with his

master, which took place only an hour afterwards. Brave Mrs. Brough! how she was working for her

husband! Good woman, and kind! but YOU had a true heart, and merited a better fate! Though wherefore say

so? The woman, to this day, thinks her husband an angel, and loves him a thousand times better for his

On Saturday, Alderman Pash's solicitor was paid by me across the counter, as I said. "Never mind your aunt's

money, Titmarsh my boy," said Brough: "never mind her having resumed her shares. You are a true honest

fellow; you have never abused me like that pack of curs downstairs, and I'll make your fortune yet!"

The next week, as I was sitting with my wife, with Mr. Smithers, and with Mrs. Hoggarty, taking our tea

comfortably, a knock was heard at the door, and a gentleman desired to speak to me in the parlour. It was Mr.

Aminadab of Chancery Lane, who arrested me as a shareholder of the Independent West Diddlesex

"Why," says Mr. Aminadab, "he's once more of the firm of Brough and Off, sirhe breakfasted at Calais

On that fatal Saturday evening, in a hackneycoach, fetched from the Foundling, was I taken from my

comfortable house and my dear little wife; whom Mr. Smithers was left to console as he might. He said that I

was compelled to take a journey upon business connected with the office; and my poor Mary made up a little

portmanteau of clothes, and tied a comforter round my neck, and bade my companion particularly to keep the

coach windows shut: which injunction the grinning wretch promised to obey. Our journey was not long: it

was only a shilling fare to Cursitor Street, Chancery Lane, and there I was set down.

The house before which the coach stopped seemed to be only one of halfadozen in that street which were

used for the same purpose. No man, be he ever so rich, can pass by those dismal houses, I think, without a

shudder. The front windows are barred, and on the dingy pillar of the door was a shining brassplate, setting

forth that "Aminadab, Officer to the Sheriff of Middlesex," lived therein. A little redhaired Israelite opened

As soon as we entered the door, he barred it, and I found myself in the face of another huge door, which was

strongly locked; and, at last, passing through that, we entered the lobby of the house.

There is no need to describe it. It is very like ten thousand other houses in our dark City of London. There

was a dirty passage and a dirty stair, and from the passage two dirty doors let into two filthy rooms, which

had strong bars at the windows, and yet withal an air of horrible finery that makes me uncomfortable to think

of even yet. On the walls hung all sorts of trumpery pictures in tawdry frames (how different from those

capital performances of my cousin Michael Angelo!); on the mantelpiece huge French clocks, vases, and

candlesticks; on the sideboards, enormous trays of Birmingham plated ware: for Mr. Aminadab not only

arrested those who could not pay money, but lent it to those who could; and had already, in the way of trade,

I agreed to take the backparlour for the night, and while a Hebrew damsel was arranging a little dusky

sofabedstead (woe betide him who has to sleep on it!) I was invited into the front parlour, where Mr.

Aminadab, bidding me take heart, told me I should have a dinner for nothing with a party who had just

arrived. I did not want for dinner, but I was glad not to be alonenot alone, even till Gus came; for whom I

I found there, in the front parlour, at eight o'clock in the evening, four gentlemen, just about to sit down to

dinner. Surprising! there was Mr. B., a gentleman of fashion, who had only within halfanhour arrived in a

postchaise with his companion, Mr. Lock, an officer of Horsham gaol. Mr. B. was arrested in this wise: He

was a careless goodhumoured gentleman, and had indorsed bills to a large amount for a friend; who, a man

of high family and unquestionable honour, had pledged the latter, along with a number of the most solemn

oaths, for the payment of the bills in question. Having indorsed the notes, young Mr. B., with a proper

thoughtlessness, forgot all about them, and so, by some chance, did the friend whom he obliged; for, instead

of being in London with the money for the payment of his obligations, this latter gentleman was travelling

abroad, and never hinted one word to Mr. B. that the notes would fall upon him. The young gentleman was at

Brighton lying sick of a fever; was taken from his bed by a bailiff, and carried, on a rainy day, to Horsham

gaol; had a relapse of his complaint, and when sufficiently recovered, was brought up to London to the house

of Mr. Aminadab; where I found hima pale, thin, goodhumoured, LOST young man: he was lying on a

sofa, and had given orders for the dinner to which I was invited. The lad's face gave one pain to look at; it

Now Mr. B. has not anything to do with my humble story; but I can't help mentioning him, as I saw him. He

sent for his lawyer and his doctor; the former settled speedily his accounts with the bailiff, and the latter

arranged all his earthly accounts: for after he went from the spunginghouse he never recovered from the

shock of the arrest, and in a few weeks he DIED. And though this circumstance took place many years ago, I

can't forget it to my dying day; and often see the author of Mr. B.'s death,a prosperous gentleman, riding a

fine horse in the Park, lounging at the window of a club; with many friends, no doubt, and a good reputation.

I wonder whether the man sleeps easily and eats with a good appetite? I wonder whether he has paid Mr. B.'s

If Mr. B.'s history has nothing to do with mine, and is only inserted here for the sake of a moral, what

business have I to mention particulars of the dinner to which I was treated by that gentleman, in the

spunginghouse in Cursitor Street? Why, for the moral too; and therefore the public must be told of what

There were five guests, and three silver tureens of soup: viz., mockturtle soup, oxtail soup, and giblet soup.

Next came a great piece of salmon, likewise on a silver dish, a roast goose, a roast saddle of mutton, roast

game, and all sorts of adjuncts. In this way can a gentleman live in a spunginghouse if he be inclined; and

over this repast (which, in truth, I could not touch, for, let alone having dined, my heart was full of

care)over this meal my friend Gus Hoskins found me, when he received the letter that I had despatched to

Gus, who had never been in a prison before, and whose heart failed him as the redheaded young Moses

opened and shut for him the numerous iron outer doors, was struck dumb to see me behind a bottle of claret,

in a room blazing with gilt lamps; the curtains were down too, and you could not see the bars at the windows;

and Mr. B., Mr. Lock the Brighton officer, Mr. Aminadab, and another rich gentleman of his trade and

religious persuasion, were chirping as merrily, and looked as respectably, as any noblemen in the land.

"Have him in," said Mr. B., "if he's a friend of Mr. Titmarsh's; for, cuss me, I like to see a rogue: and run me

through, Titmarsh, but I think you are one of the best in London. You beat Brough; you do, by Jove! for he

looks like a rogueanybody would swear to him; but you! by Jove, you look the very picture of honesty!"

"A deep file," said Aminadab, winking and pointing me out to his friend Mr. Jehoshaphat.

"In for three hundred thousand pound," says Aminadab: "Brough's righthand man, and only

"Mr. Titmarsh, sir, your 'ealth, sir," says Mr. Lock, in an ecstasy of admiration. "Your very good 'earth, sir,

"Yes, but you are in for half a million,you know you are. THEM debts I don't countthem paltry

tradesmen's accounts. I mean Brough's business. It's an ugly one; but you'll get through it. We all know you;

and I lay my life that when you come through the court, Mrs. Titmarsh has got a handsome thing laid by."

The three gentlemen burst into a loud laugh, said I was a "rum chap"a "downy cove," and made other

remarks which I could not understand then; but the meaning of which I have since comprehended, for they

took me to be a great rascal, I am sorry to say, and supposed that I had robbed the I. W. D. Association, and,

It was in the midst of this conversation that, as I said, Gus came in; and whew! when he saw what was going

"Sit down," says Mr. B.,"sit down, and wet your whistle, my piper! I say, egad! you're the piper that

played before Moses! Had you there, Dab. Dab, get a fresh bottle of Burgundy for Mr. Hoskins." And before

he knew where he was, there was Gus for the first time in his life drinking ClosVougeot. Gus said he had

never tasted Bergamy before, at which the bailiff sneered, and told him the name of the wine.

"OLD CLO! What?" says Gus; and we laughed: but the Hebrew gents did not this time.

"Come, come, sir!" says Mr. Aminadab's friend, "ve're all shentlemen here, and shentlemen never makish

After this feast was concluded, Gus and I retired to my room to consult about my affairs. With regard to the

responsibility incurred as a shareholder in the West Diddlesex, I was not uneasy; for though the matter might

cause me a little trouble at first, I knew I was not a shareholder; that the shares were scrip shares, making the

dividend payable to the bearer; and my aunt had called back her shares, and consequently I was free. But it

was very unpleasant to me to consider that I was in debt nearly a hundred pounds to tradesmen, chiefly of

Mrs. Hoggarty's recommendation; and as she had promised to be answerable for their bills, I determined to

send her a letter reminding her of her promise, and begging her at the same time to relieve me from Mr. Von

Stiltz's debt, for which I was arrested: and which was incurred not certainly at her desire, but at Mr. Brough's;

and would never have been incurred by me but at the absolute demand of that gentleman.

I wrote to her, therefore, begging her to pay all these debts, and promised myself on Monday morning again

to be with my dear wife. Gus carried off the letter, and promised to deliver it in Bernhard Street after

churchtime; taking care that Mary should know nothing at all of the painful situation in which I was placed.

It was near midnight when we parted, and I tried to sleep as well as I could in the dirty little sofabedstead of

That morning was fine and sunshiny, and I heard all the bells ringing cheerfully for church, and longed to be

walking to the Foundling with my wife: but there were the three iron doors between me and liberty, and I had

nothing for it but to read my prayers in my own room, and walk up and down afterwards in the court at the

back of the house. Would you believe it? This very court was like a cage! Great iron bars covered it in from

They had seen me reading out of the prayerbook at the backparlour window, and all burst into a yell of

laughter when I came to walk in the cage. One of them shouted out "Amen!" when I appeared; another called

me a muff (which means, in the slang language, a very silly fellow); a third wondered that I took to my

"Why, when you are going TO BE HANGED, you young hypocrite!" says the man. "But that is always the

way with Brough's people," continued he. "I had four greys once for hima great bargain, but he would not

go to look at them at Tattersall's, nor speak a word of business about them, because it was a Sunday."

"Because there are hypocrites," sir, says I, "religion is not to be considered a bad thing; and if Mr. Brough

The men only laughed the more at this rebuke, and evidently considered me a great criminal. I was glad to be

released from their society by the appearance of Gus and Mr. Smithers. Both wore very long faces. They

were ushered into my room, and, without any orders of mine, a bottle of wine and biscuits were brought in by

"Drink a glass of wine, Mr. Titmarsh," says Smithers, "and read this letter. A pretty note was that which you

"Sir,If, because you knew I had desined to leave you my proparty, you wished to murdar me, and so stepp

into it, you are dissapointed. Your VILLIANY and INGRATITUDE WOULD have murdard me, had I not,

"For nearly a year I have been a MARTAR to you. I gave up everything,my happy home in the country,

where all respected the name of Hoggarty; my valuble furnitur and wines; my plate, glass, and crockry; I

brought allall to make your home happy and rispectable. I put up with the AIRS AND

IMPERTANENCIES of Mrs. Titmarsh; I loaded her and you with presents and bennafits. I sacrafised myself;

I gave up the best sociaty in the land, to witch I have been accustomed, in order to be a gardian and

compannion to you, and prevent, if possible, that WAIST AND IXTRAVYGANCE which I PROPHYCIED

would be your ruin. Such waist and ixtravygance never, never, never did I see. Buttar waisted as if it had

been dirt, coles flung away, candles burnt AT BOTH ENDS, tea and meat the same. The butcher's bill in this

"And now you have the audassaty, being placed in prison justly for your crimes,for cheating me of

3,000L., for robbing your mother of an insignificient summ, which to her, poor thing, was everything (though

she will not feel her loss as I do, being all her life next door to a beggar), for incurring detts which you cannot

pay, wherein you knew that your miserable income was quite unable to support your ixtravyganceyou

come upon me to pay your detts! No, sir, it is quite enough that your mother should go on the parish, and that

your wife should sweep the streets, to which you have indeed brought them; I, at least, though cheated by you

of a large summ, and obliged to pass my days in comparative ruin, can retire, and have some of the comforts

to which my rank entitles me. The furnitur in this house is mine; and as I presume you intend YOUR LADY

to sleep in the streets, I give you warning that I shall remove it all tomorrow.

"Mr. Smithers will tell you that I had intended to leave you my intire fortune. I have this morning, in his

presents, solamly toar up my will; and hereby renounce all connection with you and your beggarly family.

I confess that, on the first reading of this letter, I was in such a fury that I forgot almost the painful situation

"What a fool you were, Titmarsh, to write that letter!" said Mr. Smithers. "You have cut your own throat,

sir,lost a fine property,written yourself out of five hundred a year. Mrs. Hoggarty, my client, brought

the will, as she says, downstairs, and flung it into the fire before our faces."

"It's a blessing that your wife was from home," added Gus. "She went to church this morning with Dr. Salt's

family, and sent word that she would spend the day with them. She was always glad to be away from Mrs. H.,

"She never knew on which side her bread was buttered," said Mr. Smithers. "You should have taken the lady

when she was in the humour, sir, and have borrowed the money elsewhere. Why, sir, I had almost reconciled

her to her loss in that cursed Company. I showed her how I had saved out of Brough's claws the whole of her

remaining fortune; which he would have devoured in a day, the scoundrel! And if you would have left the

matter to me, Mr. Titmarsh, I would have had you reconciled completely to Mrs. Hoggarty; I would have

removed all your difficulties; I would have lent you the pitiful sum of money myself."

"Will you?" says Gus; "that's a trump!" and he seized Smithers's hand, and squeezed it so that the tears came

"Generous fellow!" said I; "lend me money, when you know what a situation I am in, and not able to pay!"

"Ay, my good sir, there's the rub!" says Mr. Smithers. "I said I WOULD have lent the money; and so to the

acknowledged heir of Mrs. Hoggarty I wouldwould at this moment; for nothing delights the heart of Bob

Smithers more than to do a kindness. I would have rejoiced in doing it; and a mere acknowledgment from

that respected lady would have amply sufficed. But now, sir, the case is altered,you have no security to

"And without security, sir, of course can expect no moneyof course not. You are a man of the world, Mr.

"Wife's property? Bah! Mrs. Sam Titmarsh is a minor, and can't touch a shilling of it. No, no, no meddling

with minors for me! But stop!your mother has a house and shop in our village. Get me a mortgage of

"I'll do no such thing, sir," says I. "My mother has suffered quite enough on my score already, and has my

sisters to provide for; and I will thank you, Mr. Smithers, not to breathe a syllable to her regarding my present

"You speak like a man of honour, sir," says Mr. Smithers, "and I will obey your injunctions to the letter. I

will do more, sir. I will introduce you to a respectable firm here, my worthy friends, Messrs. Higgs, Biggs,

and Blatherwick, who will do everything in their power to serve you. And so, sir, I wish you a very good

And with this Mr. Smithers took his hat and left the room; and after a further consultation with my aunt, as I

I sent my faithful Gus off once more to break the matter gently to my wife, fearing lest Mrs. Hoggarty should

speak of it abruptly to her; as I knew in her anger she would do. But he came in an hour panting back, to say

that Mrs. H. had packed and locked her trunks, and had gone off in a hackneycoach. So, knowing that my

poor Mary was not to return till night, Hoskins remained with me till then; and, after a dismal day, left me

At ten o'clock on that night there was a great rattling and ringing at the outer door, and presently my poor girl

fell into my arms; and Gus Hoskins sat blubbering in a corner, as I tried my best to console her.

The next morning I was favoured with a visit from Mr. Blatherwick; who, hearing from me that I had only

three guineas in my pocket, told me very plainly that lawyers only lived by fees. He recommended me to quit

Cursitor Street, as living there was very expensive. And as I was sitting very sad, my wife made her

appearance (it was with great difficulty that she could be brought to leave me the night previous)

"The horrible men came at four this morning," said she; "four hours before light."

"Your aunt's men," said she, "to remove the furniture they had it all packed before I came away. And I let

them carry all," said she; "I was too sad to look what was ours and what was not. That odious Mr. Wapshot

was with them; and I left him seeing the last waggonload from the door. I have only brought away your

clothes," added she, "and a few of mine; and some of the books you used to like to read; and somesome

things I have been getting for the for the baby. The servants' wages were paid up to Christmas; and I paid

them the rest. And see! just as I was going away, the post came, and brought to me my halfyear's

"Will you pay my bill, Mr. Whatd'yecall'im?" here cried Mr. Aminadab, flinging open the door (he had

been consulting with Mr. Blatherwick, I suppose). "I want the room for A GENTLEMAN. I guess it's too

dear for the like of you." And herewill you believe it?the man handed me a bill of three guineas for two

There was a crowd of idlers round the door as I passed out of it, and had I been alone I should have been

ashamed of seeing them; but, as it was, I was only thinking of my dear dear wife, who was leaning trustfully

on my arm, and smiling like heaven into my face ay, and TOOK heaven, too, into the Fleet prison with

meor an angel out of heaven. Ah! I had loved her before, and happy it is to love when one is hopeful and

young in the midst of smiles and sunshine; but be UNhappy, and then see what it is to be loved by a good

woman! I declare before Heaven, that of all the joys and happy moments it has given me, that was the

crowning onethat little ride, with my wife's cheek on my shoulder, down Holborn to the prison! Do you

think I cared for the bailiff that sat opposite? No, by the Lord! I kissed her, and hugged heryes, and cried

with her likewise. But before our ride was over her eyes dried up, and she stepped blushing and happy out of

the coach at the prison door, as if she were a princess going to the Queen's Drawingroom.

The failure of the great Diddlesex Association speedily became the theme of all the newspapers, and every

person concerned in it was soon held up to public abhorrence as a rascal and a swindler. It was said that

Brough had gone off with a million of money. Even it was hinted that poor I had sent a hundred thousand

pounds to America, and only waited to pass through the court in order to be a rich man for the rest of my

days. This opinion had some supporters in the prison; where, strange to say, it procured me consideration

of which, as may be supposed, I was little inclined to avail myself. Mr. Aminadab, however, in his frequent

visits to the Fleet, persisted in saying that I was a poorspirited creature, a mere tool in Brough's hands, and

had not saved a shilling. Opinions, however, differed; and I believe it was considered by the turnkeys that I

was a fellow of exquisite dissimulation, who had put on the appearance of poverty in order more effectually

Messrs. Abednego and Son were similarly held up to public odium: and, in fact, what were the exact dealings

of these gentlemen with Mr. Brough I have never been able to learn. It was proved by the books that large

sums of money had been paid to Mr. Abednego by the Company; but he produced documents signed by Mr.

Brough, which made the latter and the West Diddlesex Association his debtors to a still further amount. On

the day I went to the Bankruptcy Court to be examined, Mr. Abednego and the two gentlemen from

Houndsditch were present to swear to their debts, and made a sad noise, and uttered a vast number of oaths in

attestation of their claim. But Messrs. Jackson and Paxton produced against them that very Irish porter who

was said to have been the cause of the fire, and, I am told, hinted that they had matter for hanging the Jewish

gents if they persisted in their demand. On this they disappeared altogether, and no more was ever heard of

their losses. I am inclined to believe that our Director had had money from Abednego had given him

shares as bonus and securityhad been suddenly obliged to redeem these shares with ready money; and so

had precipitated the ruin of himself and the concern. It is needless to say here in what a multiplicity of

companies Brough was engaged. That in which poor Mr. Tidd invested his money did not pay 2D. in the

As for oursah! there was a pretty scene as I was brought from the Fleet to the Bankruptcy Court, to give

my testimony as late head clerk and accountant of the West Diddlesex Association.

My poor wife, then very near her time, insisted upon accompanying me to Basinghall Street; and so did my

friend Gus Hoskins, that true and honest fellow. If you had seen the crowd that was assembled, and the

"Mr. Titmarsh," says the Commissioner as I came to the table, with a peculiar sarcastic accent on the

Tit"Mr. Titmarsh, you were the confidant of Mr. Brough, the principal clerk of Mr. Brough, and a

"Of course, only nominal," continued the Commissioner, turning to his colleague with a sneer; "and a great

comfort it must be to you, sir, to think that you had a share in all the plunthe profits of the speculation, and

now can free yourself from the losses, by saying you are only a nominal shareholder."

"The infernal villain!" shouted out a voice from the crowd. It was that of the furious halfpay captain and late

"Silence in the court there!" the Commissioner continued: and all this while Mary was anxiously looking in

his face, and then in mine, as pale as death; while Gus, on the contrary, was as red as vermilion. "Mr.

Titmarsh, I have had the good fortune to see a list of your debts from the Insolvent Court, and find that you

are indebted to Mr. Stiltz, the great tailor, in a handsome sum; to Mr. Polonius, the celebrated jeweller,

likewise; to fashionable milliners and dressmakers, moreover;and all this upon a salary of 200L. per

annum. For so young a gentleman it must be confessed you have employed your time well."

"Has this anything to do with the question, sir?" says I. "Am I here to give an account of my private debts, or

to speak as to what I know regarding the affairs of the Company? As for my share in it, I have a mother, sir,

"Silence that there fellow!" shouts Gus, as bold as brass; at which the court burst out laughing, and this gave

"My mother, sir, four years since, having a legacy of 400L. left to her, advised with her solicitor, Mr.

Smithers, how she should dispose of this sum; and as the Independent West Diddlesex was just then

established, the money was placed in an annuity in that office, where I procured a clerkship. You may

suppose me a very hardened criminal, because I have ordered clothes of Mr. Von Stiltz; but you will hardly

fancy that I, a lad of nineteen, knew anything of the concerns of the Company into whose service I entered as

twentieth clerk, my own mother's money paying, as it were, for my place. Well, sir, the interest offered by the

Company was so tempting, that a rich relative of mine was induced to purchase a number of shares."

"I can't help owning, sir," says I, blushing, "that I wrote a letter myself. But consider, my relative was sixty

years old, and I was twentyone. My relative took several months to consider, and had the advice of her

lawyers before she acceded to my request. And I made it at the instigation of Mr. Brough, who dictated the

letter which I wrote, and who I really thought then was as rich as Mr. Rothschild himself."

"Your friend placed her money in your name; and you, if I mistake not, Mr. Titmarsh, were suddenly placed

over the heads of twelve of your fellowclerks as a reward for your service in obtaining it?"

"It is very true, sir,"and, as I confessed it, poor Mary began to wipe her eyes, and Gus's ears (I could not

see his face) looked like two redhot muffins"it's quite true, sir; and, as matters have turned out, I am

heartily sorry for what I did. But at the time I thought I could serve my aunt as well as myself; and you must

"Well, sir, having procured this sum of money, you were straightway taken into Mr. Brough's confidence.

You were received into his house, and from third clerk speedily became head clerk; in which post you were

"Sir, you have no right to question me, to be sure; but here are a hundred of our shareholders, and I'm not

unwilling to make a clean breast of it," said I, pressing Mary's hand. "I certainly was the head clerk. And

why? Because the other gents left the office. I certainly was received into Mr. Brough's house. And why?

Because, sir, my aunt HAD MORE MONEY TO LAY OUT. I see it all clearly now, though I could not

understand it then; and the proof that Mr. Brough wanted my aunt's money, and not me, is that, when she

came to town, our Director carried her by force out of my house to Fulham, and never so much as thought of

asking me or my wife thither. Ay, sir, and he would have had her remaining money, had not her lawyer from

the country prevented her disposing of it. Before the concern finally broke, and as soon as she heard there

was doubt concerning it, she took back her sharesscrip shares they were, sir, as you knowand has

disposed of them as she thought fit. Here, sir, and gents," says I, "you have the whole of the history as far as

regards me. In order to get her only son a means of livelihood, my mother placed her little money with the

Companyit is lost. My aunt invested larger sums with it, which were to have been mine one day, and they

are lost too; and here am I, at the end of four years, a disgraced and ruined man. Is there anyone present,

however much he has suffered by the failure of the Company, that has had worse fortune through it than I?"

"Mr. Titmarsh," says Mr. Commissioner, in a much more friendly way, and at the same time casting a glance

at a newspaper reporter that was sitting hard by, "your story is not likely to get into the newspapers; for, as

you say, it is a private affair, which you had no need to speak of unless you thought proper, and may be

considered as a confidential conversation between us and the other gentlemen here. But if it COULD be made

public, it might do some good, and warn people, if they WILL be warned, against the folly of such enterprises

as that in which you have been engaged. It is quite clear from your story, that you have been deceived as

grossly as anyone of the persons present. But look you, sir, if you had not been so eager after gain, I think

you would not have allowed yourself to be deceived, and would have kept your relative's money, and

inherited it, according to your story, one day or other. Directly people expect to make a large interest, their

judgment seems to desert them; and because they wish for profit, they think they are sure of it, and disregard

all warnings and all prudence. Besides the hundreds of honest families who have been ruined by merely

placing confidence in this Association of yours, and who deserve the heartiest pity, there are hundreds more

who have embarked in it, like yourself, not for investment, but for speculation; and these, upon my word,

deserve the fate they have met with. As long as dividends are paid, no questions are asked; and Mr. Brough

might have taken the money for his shareholders on the highroad, and they would have pocketed it, and not

been too curious. But what's the use of talking?" says Mr. Commissioner, in a passion: "here is one rogue

detected, and a thousand dupes made; and if another swindler starts tomorrow, there will be a thousand

more of his victims round this table a year hence; and so, I suppose, to the end. And now let's go to business,

After giving an account of all I knew, which was very little, other gents who were employed in the concern

were examined; and I went back to prison, with my poor little wife on my arm. We had to pass through the

crowd in the rooms, and my heart bled as I saw, amongst a score of others, poor Gates, Brough's porter, who

had advanced every shilling to his master, and was now, with ten children, houseless and penniless in his old

age. Captain Sparr was in this neighbourhood, but by no means so friendly disposed; for while Gates touched

his hat, as if I had been a lord, the little Captain came forward threatening with his bamboocane and

swearing with great oaths that I was an accomplice of Brough. "Curse you for a smoothfaced scoundrel!"

says he. "What business have you to ruin an English gentleman, as you have me?" And again he advanced

with his stick. But this time, officer as he was, Gus took him by the collar, and shoved him back, and said,

"Look at the lady, you brute, and hold your tongue!" And when he looked at my wife's situation, Captain

Sparr became redder for shame than he had before been for anger. "I'm sorry she's married to such a

goodfornothing," muttered he, and fell back; and my poor wife and I walked out of the court, and back to

It was a hard place for a gentle creature like her to be confined in; and I longed to have some of my relatives

with her when her time should come. But her grandmother could not leave the old lieutenant; and my mother

had written to say that, as Mrs. Hoggarty was with us, she was quite as well at home with her children. "What

a blessing it is for you, under your misfortunes," continued the good soul, "to have the generous purse of your

aunt for succour!" Generous purse of my aunt, indeed! Where could Mrs. Hoggarty be? It was evident that

she had not written to any of her friends in the country, nor gone thither, as she threatened.

But as my mother had already lost so much money through my unfortunate luck, and as she had enough to do

with her little pittance to keep my sisters at home; and as, on hearing of my condition, she would infallibly

have sold her last gown to bring me aid, Mary and I agreed that we would not let her know what our real

condition wasbad enough! Heaven knows, and sad and cheerless. Old Lieutenant Smith had likewise

nothing but his halfpay and his rheumatism; so we were, in fact, quite friendless.

That period of my life, and that horrible prison, seem to me like recollections of some fever. What an awful

place!not for the sadness, strangely enough, as I thought, but for the gaiety of it; for the long prison

galleries were, I remember, full of life and a sort of grave bustle. All day and all night doors were clapping to

and fro; and you heard loud voices, oaths, footsteps, and laughter. Next door to our room was one where a

man sold gin, under the name of TAPE; and here, from morning till night, the people kept up a horrible

revelry;and sangsad songs some of them: but my dear little girl was, thank God! unable to understand

the most part of their ribaldry. She never used to go out till nightfall; and all day she sat working at a little

store of caps and dresses for the expected strangerand not, she says to this day, unhappy. But the

confinement sickened her, who had been used to happy country air, and she grew daily paler and paler.

The Fives Court was opposite our window; and here I used, very unwillingly at first, but afterwards, I do

confess, with much eagerness, to take a couple of hours' daily sport. Ah! it was a strange place. There was an

aristocracy there as elsewhere, amongst other gents, a son of my Lord Deuceace; and many of the men in

the prison were as eager to walk with him, and talked of his family as knowingly, as if they were Bond Street

bucks. Poor Tidd, especially, was one of these. Of all his fortune he had nothing left but a dressingcase and

a flowered dressinggown; and to these possessions he added a fine pair of moustaches, with which the poor

creature strutted about; and though cursing his ill fortune, was, I do believe, as happy whenever his friends

brought him a guinea, as he had been during his brief career as a gentleman on town. I have seen sauntering

dandies in wateringplaces ogling the women, watching eagerly for steamboats and stagecoaches as if their

lives depended upon them, and strutting all day in jackets up and down the public walks. Well, there are such

fellows in prison: quite as dandified and foolish, only a little more shabbydandies with dirty beards and

I did not go near what is called the poor side of the prisonI DARED not, that was the fact. But our little

stock of money was running low; and my heart sickened to think what might be my dear wife's fate, and on

what sort of a couch our child might be born. But Heaven spared me that pang,Heaven, and my dear good

The attorneys to whom Mr. Smithers recommended me, told me that I could get leave to live in the rules of

the Fleet, could I procure sureties to the marshal of the prison for the amount of the detainer lodged against

me; but though I looked Mr. Blatherwick hard in the face, he never offered to give the bail for me, and I knew

no housekeeper in London who would procure it. There was, however, one whom I did not know,and that

was old Mr. Hoskins, the leatherseller of Skinner Street, a kind fat gentleman, who brought his fat wife to see

Mrs. Titmarsh; and though the lady gave herself rather patronising airs (her husband being free of the

Skinners' Company, and bidding fair to be Alderman, nay, Lord Mayor of the first city in the world), she

seemed heartily to sympathise with us; and her husband stirred and bustled about until the requisite leave was

As for lodgings, they were soon had. My old landlady, Mrs. Stokes, sent her Jemima to say that her first floor

was at our service; and when we had taken possession of it, and I offered at the end of the week to pay her

bill, the good soul, with tears in her eyes, told me that she did not want for money now, and that she knew I

had enough to do with what I had. I did not refuse her kindness; for, indeed, I had but five guineas left, and

ought not by rights to have thought of such expensive apartments as hers; but my wife's time was very near,

and I could not bear to think that she should want for any comfort in her lyingin.

The admirable woman, with whom the Misses Hoskins came every day to keep companyand very nice,

kind ladies they arerecovered her health a good deal, now she was out of the odious prison and was

enabled to take exercise. How gaily did we pace up and down Bridge Street and Chatham Place, to be sure!

and yet, in truth, I was a beggar, and felt sometimes ashamed of being so happy.

With regard to the liabilities of the Company my mind was now made quite easy; for the creditors could only

come upon our directors, and these it was rather difficult to find. Mr. Brough was across the water; and I must

say, to the credit of that gentleman, that while everybody thought he had run away with hundreds of

thousands of pounds, he was in a garret at Boulogne, with scarce a shilling in his pocket, and his fortune to

make afresh. Mrs. Brough, like a good brave woman, remained faithful to him, and only left Fulham with the

gown on her back; and Miss Belinda, though grumbling and sadly out of temper, was no better off. For the

other directors, when they came to inquire at Edinburgh for Mr. Mull, W. S., it appeared there WAS a

gentleman of that name, who had practised in Edinburgh with good reputation until 1800, since when he had

retired to the Isle of Skye; and on being applied to, knew no more of the West Diddlesex Association than

Queen Anne did. General Sir Dionysius O'Halloran had abruptly quitted Dublin, and returned to the republic

of Guatemala. Mr. Shirk went into the Gazette. Mr. Macraw, M.P. and King's Counsel, had not a single

guinea in the world but what he received for attending our board; and the only man seizable was Mr.

Manstraw, a wealthy navy contractor, as we understood, at Chatham. He turned out to be a small dealer in

marine stores, and his whole stock in trade was not worth 10L. Mr. Abednego was the other director, and we

"Why, as there is no danger from the West Diddlesex," suggested Mr. Hoskins, senior, "should you not now

endeavour to make an arrangement with your creditors; and who can make a better bargain with them than

pretty Mrs. Titmarsh here, whose sweet eyes would soften the hardesthearted tailor or milliner that ever

Accordingly my dear girl, one bright day in February, shook me by the hand, and bidding me be of good

cheer, set forth with Gus in a coach, to pay a visit to those persons. Little did I think a year before, that the

daughter of the gallant Smith should ever be compelled to be a suppliant to tailors and haberdashers; but

SHE, Heaven bless her! felt none of the shame which oppressed meor SAID she felt noneand went

In the evening she came back, and my heart thumped to know the news. I saw it was bad by her face. For

some time she did not speak, but looked as pale as death, and wept as she kissed me. "YOU speak, Mr.

Augustus," at last said she, sobbing; and so Gus told me the circumstances of that dismal day.

"What do you think, Sam?" says he; "that infernal aunt of yours, at whose command you had the things, has

written to the tradesmen to say that you are a swindler and impostor; that you give out that SHE ordered the

goods; that she is ready to drop down dead, and to take her bibleoath she never did any such thing, and that

they must look to you alone for payment. Not one of them would hear of letting you out; and as for

Mantalini, the scoundrel was so insolent that I gave him a box on the ear, and would have halfkilled him,

only poor MaryMrs. Titmarsh I meanscreamed and fainted: and I brought her away, and here she is, as

That night, the indefatigable Gus was obliged to run posthaste for Doctor Salts, and next morning a little

boy was born. I did not know whether to be sad or happy, as they showed me the little weakly thing; but

Mary was the happiest woman, she declared, in the world, and forgot all her sorrows in nursing the poor

baby; she went bravely through her time, and vowed that it was the loveliest child in the world; and that

though Lady Tiptoff, whose confinement we read of as having taken place the same day, might have a silk

bed and a fine house in Grosvenor Square, she never never could have such a beautiful child as our dear little

Gus: for after whom should we have named the boy, if not after our good kind friend? We had a little party at

The mother, thank Heaven! was very well, and it did one's heart good to see her in that attitude in which I

think every woman, be she ever so plain, looks beautifulwith her baby at her bosom. The child was sickly,

but she did not see it; we were very poor, but what cared she? She had no leisure to be sorrowful as I was: I

had my last guinea now in my pocket; and when THAT was goneah! my heart sickened to think of what

was to come, and I prayed for strength and guidance, and in the midst of my perplexities felt yet thankful that

the danger of the confinement was over; and that for the worst fortune which was to befall us, my dear wife

I told Mrs. Stokes that she must let us have a cheaper rooma garret that should cost but a few shillings; and

though the good woman bade me remain in the apartments we occupied, yet, now that my wife was well, I

felt it would be a crime to deprive my kind landlady of her chief means of livelihood; and at length she

promised to get me a garret as I wanted, and to make it as comfortable as might be; and little Jemima

declared that she would be glad beyond measure to wait on the mother and the child.

The room, then, was made ready; and though I took some pains not to speak of the arrangement too suddenly

to Mary, yet there was no need of disguise or hesitation; for when at last I told her"Is that all?" said she,

and took my hand with one of her blessed smiles, and vowed that she and Jemima would keep the room as

pretty and neat as possible. "And I will cook your dinners," added she; "for you know you said I make the

best rolypoly puddings in the world." God bless her! I do think some women almost love poverty: but I did

not tell Mary how poor I was, nor had she any idea how lawyers', and prison's, and doctors' fees had

It was not, however, destined that she and her child should inhabit that little garret. We were to leave our

lodgings on Monday morning; but on Saturday evening the child was seized with convulsions, and all Sunday

the mother watched and prayed for it: but it pleased God to take the innocent infant from us, and on Sunday,

at midnight, it lay a corpse in its mother's bosom. Amen. We have other children, happy and well, now round

about us, and from the father's heart the memory of this little thing has almost faded; but I do believe that

every day of her life the mother thinks of the firstborn that was with her for so short a while: many and many

a time has she taken her daughters to the grave, in Saint Bride's, where he lies buried; and she wears still at

her neck a little little lock of gold hair, which she took from the head of the infant as he lay smiling in his

coffin. It has happened to me to forget the child's birthday, but to her never; and often in the midst of

common talk comes something that shows she is thinking of the child still,some simple allusion that is to

I shall not try to describe her grief, for such things are sacred and secret; and a man has no business to place

them on paper for all the world to read. Nor should I have mentioned the child's loss at all, but that even that

loss was the means of a great worldly blessing to us; as my wife has often with tears and thanks

While my wife was weeping over her child, I am ashamed to say I was distracted with other feelings besides

those of grief for its loss; and I have often since thought what a masternay, destroyerof the affections

want is, and have learned from experience to be thankful for DAILY BREAD. That acknowledgment of

weakness which we make in imploring to be relieved from hunger and from temptation, is surely wisely put

in our daily prayer. Think of it you who are rich, and take heed how you turn a beggar away.

The child lay there in its wicker cradle, with its sweet fixed smile in its face (I think the angels in heaven

must have been glad to welcome that pretty innocent smile); and it was only the next day, after my wife had

gone to lie down, and I sat keeping watch by it, that I remembered the condition of its parents, and thought, I

can't tell with what a pang, that I had not money left to bury the little thing, and wept bitter tears of despair.

Now, at last, I thought I must apply to my poor mother, for this was a sacred necessity; and I took paper, and

wrote her a letter at the baby's side, and told her of our condition. But, thank Heaven! I never sent the letter;

for as I went to the desk to get sealingwax and seal that dismal letter, my eyes fell upon the diamond pin

I looked into the bedroom,my poor wife was asleep; she had been watching for three nights and days, and

had fallen asleep from sheer fatigue; and I ran out to a pawnbroker's with the diamond, and received seven

guineas for it, and coming back put the money into the landlady's hand, and told her to get what was needful.

My wife was still asleep when I came back; and when she woke, we persuaded her to go downstairs to the

landlady's parlour; and meanwhile the necessary preparations were made, and the poor child consigned to its

The next day, after all was over, Mrs. Stokes gave me back three out of the seven guineas; and then I could

not help sobbing out to her my doubts and wretchedness, telling her that this was the last money I had; and

when that was gone I knew not what was to become of the best wife that ever a man was blest with.

My wife was downstairs with the woman. Poor Gus, who was with me, and quite as much affected as any of

the party, took me by the arm, and led me downstairs; and we quite forgot all about the prison and the rules,

and walked a long long way across Blackfriars Bridge, the kind fellow striving as much as possible to console

When we came back, it was in the evening. The first person who met me in the house was my kind mother,

who fell into my arms with many tears, and who rebuked me tenderly for not having told her of my

necessities. She never should have known of them, she said; but she had not heard from me since I wrote

announcing the birth of the child, and she felt uneasy about my silence; and meeting Mr. Smithers in the

street, asked from him news concerning me: whereupon that gentleman, with some little show of alarm, told

her that he thought her daughterinlaw was confined in an uncomfortable place; that Mrs. Hoggarty had left

us; finally, that I was in prison. This news at once despatched my poor mother on her travels, and she had

I asked her whether she had seen my wife, and how she found her. Rather to my amaze she said that Mary

was out with the landlady when she arrived; and eightnine o'clock came, and she was absent still.

At ten o'clock returnednot my wife, but Mrs. Stokes, and with her a gentleman, who shook hands with me

on coming into the room, and said, "Mr. Titmarsh! I don't know whether you will remember me: my name is

Tiptoff. I have brought you a note from Mrs. Titmarsh, and a message from my wife, who sincerely

commiserates your loss, and begs you will not be uneasy at Mrs. Titmarsh's absence. She has been good

enough to promise to pass the night with Lady Tiptoff; and I am sure you will not object to her being away

from you, while she is giving happiness to a sick mother and a sick child." After a few more words, my Lord

"Mrs. Titmarsh, ma'am," says Mrs. Stokes, "before I gratify your curiosity, ma'am, permit me to observe that

angels is scarce; and it's rare to have one, much more two, in a family. Both your son and your

"When the fu when the seminary, ma'am, was concluded this morning, your poor daughterinlaw was glad

to take shelter in my humble parlour, ma'am; where she wept, and told a thousand stories of the little cherub

that's gone. Heaven bless us! it was here but a month, and no one could have thought it could have done such

a many things in that time. But a mother's eyes are clear, ma'am; and I had just such another angel, my dear

little Antony, that was born before Jemima, and would have been twentythree now were he in this wicked

"You must know, ma'am, that Mrs. Titmarsh remained downstairs while Mr. Samuel was talking with his

friend Mr. Hoskins; and the poor thing would not touch a bit of dinner, though we had it made comfortable;

and after dinner, it was with difficulty I could get her to sup a little drop of wineandwater, and dip a toast

in it. It was the first morsel that had passed her lips for many a long hour, ma'am.

"Well, she would not speak, and I thought it best not to interrupt her; but she sat and looked at my two

youngest that were playing on the rug; and just as Mr. Titmarsh and his friend Gus went out, the boy brought

the newspaper, ma'am, it always comes from three to four, and I began areading of it. But I couldn't read

much, for thinking of poor Mr. Sam's sad face as he went out, and the sad story he told me about his money

being so low; and every now and then I stopped reading, and bade Mrs. T. not to take on so; and told her

"'Ah!' says she, sobbing, and looking at the young ones, 'you have other children, Mrs. Stokes; but thatthat

was my only one;' and she flung back in her chair, and cried fit to break her heart: and I knew that the cry

would do her good, and so went back to my paperthe Morning Post, ma'am; I always read it, for I like to

"The very first thing that my eyes lighted upon was this: 'Wanted, immediately, a respectable person as

wetnurse. Apply at No. , Grosvenor Square.' 'Bless us and save us!' says I, 'here's poor Lady Tiptoff ill;' for

I knew her Ladyship's address, and how she was confined on the very same day with Mrs. T.: and, for the

"A sudden thought came over me. 'My dear Mrs. Titmarsh,' said I, 'you know how poor and how good your

"'Well, my dear,' says I, looking her hard in the face, 'Lady Tiptoff, who knows him, wants a nurse for her

son, Lord Poynings. Will you be a brave woman, and look for the place, and mayhap replace the little one

"She began to tremble and blush; and then I told her what you, Mr. Sam, had told me the other day about

your money matters; and no sooner did she hear it than she sprung to her bonnet, and said, 'Come, come:' and

in five minutes she had me by the arm, and we walked together to Grosvenor Square. The air did her no

harm, Mr. Sam, and during the whole of the walk she never cried but once, and then it was at seeing a

"A great fellow in livery opens the door, and says, 'You're the fortyfifth as come about this 'ere place; but,

"'That suffishnt, mem,' says the gentleman in plush; 'I see you're not by your axnt. Step this way, ladies, if

you please. You'll find some more candidix for the place upstairs; but I sent away fortyfour happlicants,

"We were taken upstairs over very soft carpets, and brought into a room, and told by an old lady who was

there to speak very softly, for my Lady was only two rooms off. And when I asked how the baby and her

Ladyship were, the old lady told me both were pretty well: only the doctor said Lady Tiptoff was too delicate

"There was another young woman in the rooma tall fine woman as ever you sawthat looked very angry

and contempshious at Mrs. T. and me, and said, 'I've brought a letter from the duchess whose daughter I nust;

and I think, Mrs. Blenkinsop, mem, my Lady Tiptoff may look far before she finds such another nuss as me.

Five feet six high, had the smallpox, married to a corporal in the Lifeguards, perfectly healthy, best of

charactiers, only drink water; and as for the child, ma'am, if her Ladyship had six, I've a plenty for them all.'

"As the woman was making this speech, a little gentleman in black came in from the next room, treading as if

on velvet. The woman got up, and made him a low curtsey, and folding her arms on her great broad chest,

repeated the speech she had made before. Mrs. T. did not get up from her chair, but only made a sort of a

bow; which, to be sure, I thought was ill manners, as this gentleman was evidently the apothecary. He looked

hard at her and said, 'Well, my good woman, and are you come about the place too?'

"'You seem very delicate. How old is your child? How many have you had? What character have you?'

"Your wife didn't answer a word; so I stepped up, and said, 'Sir,' says I, 'this lady has just lost her first child,

and isn't used to look for places, being the daughter of a captain in the navy; so you'll excuse her want of

"The doctor at this sat down and began talking very kindly to her; he said he was afraid that her application

would be unsuccessful, as Mrs. Horner came very strongly recommended from the Duchess of Doncaster,

whose relative Lady Tiptoff was; and presently my Lady appeared, looking very pretty, ma'am, in an elegant

"A nurse came out of her Ladyship's room with her; and while my Lady was talking to us, walked up and

"First, my Lady spoke to Mrs. Horner, and then to Mrs. T.; but all the while she was talking, Mrs. Titmarsh,

rather rudely, as I thought, ma'am, was looking into the next room: lookinglooking at the baby there with

all her might. My Lady asked her her name, and if she had any character; and as she did not speak, I spoke up

for her, and said she was the wife of one of the best men in the world; that her Ladyship knew the gentleman,

too, and had brought him a haunch of venison. Then Lady Tiptoff looked up quite astonished, and I told the

whole story: how you had been head clerk, and that rascal, Brough, had brought you to ruin. 'Poor thing!' said

my Lady: Mrs. Titmarsh did not speak, but still kept looking at the baby; and the great big grenadier of a Mrs.

"'Poor thing!' says my Lady, taking Mrs. T.'s hand very kind, 'she seems very young. How old are you, my

"Mrs. Horner burst into a laugh; but there was a tear in my Lady's eyes, for she knew what the poor thing was

"'Silence, woman!' says she angrily to the great grenadier woman; and at this moment the child in the next

"As soon as your wife heard the noise, she sprung from her chair and made a stop forward, and put both her

hands to her breast and said, 'The childthe childgive it me!' and then began to cry again.

"My Lady looked at her for a moment, and then ran into the next room and brought her the baby; and the

baby clung to her as if he knew her: and a pretty sight it was to see that dear woman with the child at her

"When my Lady saw it, what do you think she did? After looking on it for a bit, she put her arms round your

"'My dear,' said she, 'I am sure you are as good as you are pretty, and you shall keep the child: and I thank

"These were her very words; and Dr. Bland, who was standing by, says, 'It's a second judgment of Solomon!'

"'I suppose, my Lady, you don't want ME?' says the big woman, with another curtsey.

"'Not in the least!' answers my Lady, haughtily, and the grenadier left the room: and then I told all your story

at full length, and Mrs. Blenkinsop kept me to tea, and I saw the beautiful room that Mrs. Titmarsh is to have

next to Lady Tiptoff's; and when my Lord came home, what does he do but insist upon coming back with me

here in a hackneycoach, as he said he must apologise to you for keeping your wife away."

I could not help, in my own mind, connecting this strange event which, in the midst of our sorrow, came to

console us, and in our poverty to give us bread,I could not help connecting it with the DIAMOND PIN,

and fancying that the disappearance of that ornament had somehow brought a different and a better sort of

luck into my family. And though some gents who read this, may call me a poorspirited fellow for allowing

my wife to go out to service, who was bred a lady and ought to have servants herself: yet, for my part, I

confess I did not feel one minute's scruple or mortification on the subject. If you love a person, is it not a

pleasure to feel obliged to him? And this, in consequence, I felt. I was proud and happy at being able to think

that my dear wife should be able to labour and earn bread for me, now misfortune had put it out of my power

to support me and her. And now, instead of making any reflections of my own upon prison discipline, I will

recommend the reader to consult that admirable chapter in the Life of Mr. Pickwick in which the same theme

is handled, and which shows how silly it is to deprive honest men of the means of labour just at the moment

when they most want it. What could I do? There were one or two gents in the prison who could work (literary

gents,one wrote his "Travels in Mesopotamia," and the other his "Sketches at Almack's," in the place); but

all the occupation I could find was walking down Bridge Street, and then up Bridge Street, and staring at

Alderman Waithman's windows, and then at the black man who swept the crossing. I never gave him

anything; but I envied him his trade and his broom, and the money that continually fell into his old hat. But I

Twice or thricefor Lady Tiptoff did not wish her little boy often to breathe the air of such a close place as

Salisbury Squaremy dear Mary came in the thundering carriage to see me. They were merry meetings;

andif the truth must be toldtwice, when nobody was by, I jumped into the carriage and had a drive with

her; and when I had seen her home, jumped into another hackneycoach and drove back. But this was only

twice; for the system was dangerous, and it might bring me into trouble, and it cost three shillings from

Here, meanwhile, my good mother kept me company; and what should we read of one day but the marriage

of Mrs. Hoggarty and the Rev. Grimes Wapshot! My mother, who never loved Mrs. H., now said that she

should repent all her life having allowed me to spend so much of my time with that odious ungrateful

woman; and added that she and I too were justly punished for worshipping the mammon of unrighteousness

and forgetting our natural feelings for the sake of my aunt's paltry lucre. "Well, Amen!" said I. "This is the

end of all our fine schemes! My aunt's money and my aunt's diamond were the causes of my ruin, and now

they are clear gone, thank Heaven! and I hope the old lady will be happy; and I must say I don't envy the Rev.

Grimes Wapshot." So we put Mrs. Hoggarty out of our thoughts, and made ourselves as comfortable as might

Rich and great people are slower in making Christians of their children than we poor ones, and little Lord

Poynings was not christened until the month of June. A duke was one godfather, and Mr. Edmund Preston,

the State Secretary, another; and that kind Lady Jane Preston, whom I have before spoken of, was the

godmother to her nephew. She had not long been made acquainted with my wife's history; and both she and

her sister loved her heartily and were very kind to her. Indeed, there was not a single soul in the house, high

or low, but was fond of that good sweet creature; and the very footmen were as ready to serve her as they

"I tell you what, sir," says one of them. "You see, Tit my boy, I'm a connyshure, and up to snough; and if ever

I see a lady in my life, Mrs. Titmarsh is one. I can't be fimiliar with herI've tried"

"Don't look so indignant! I can't, I say, be fimiliar with her as I am with you. There's a somethink in her, a

jennysquaw, that haws me, sir! and even my Lord's own man, that 'as 'ad as much success as any gentleman

"Mr. Charles," says I, "tell my Lord's own man that, if he wants to keep his place and his whole skin, he will

never address a single word to that lady but such as a servant should utter in the presence of his mistress; and

take notice that I am a gentleman, though a poor one, and will murder the first man who does her wrong!"

Mr. Charles only said "Gammin!" to this: but psha! in bragging about my own spirit, I forgot to say what

On the christeningday, Mr. Preston offered her first a five, and then a twentypound note; but she declined

either; but she did not decline a present that the two ladies made her together, and this was no other than MY

RELEASE FROM THE FLEET. Lord Tiptoff's lawyer paid every one of the bills against me, and that happy

christeningday made me a free man. Ah! who shall tell the pleasure of that day, or the merry dinner we had in

Mary's room at Lord Tiptoff's house, when my Lord and my Lady came upstairs to shake hands with me!

"I have been speaking to Mr. Preston," says my Lord, "the gentleman with whom you had the memorable

quarrel, and he has forgiven it, although he was in the wrong, and promises to do something for you. We are

going down, meanwhile, to his house at Richmond; and be sure, Mr. Titmarsh, I will not fail to keep you in

"MRS. Titmarsh will do that," says my Lady; "for Edmund is woefully smitten with her!" And Mary blushed,

and I laughed, and we were all very happy: and sure enough there came from Richmond a letter to me, stating

that I was appointed fourth clerk in the Tape and Sealingwax Office, with a salary of 80L. per annum.

Here perhaps my story ought to stop; for I was happy at last, and have never since, thank Heaven! known

want: but Gus insists that I should add how I gave up the place in the Tape and Sealingwax Office, and for

what reason. That excellent Lady Jane Preston is long gone, and so is Mr. P off in an apoplexy, and there is

The fact was, that Mr. Preston had fallen in love with Mary in a much more serious way than any of us

imagined; for I do believe he invited his brotherinlaw to Richmond for no other purpose than to pay court

to his son's nurse. And one day, as I was coming posthaste to thank him for the place he had procured for me,

being directed by Mr. Charles to the "scrubbery," as he called it, which led down to the riverthere, sure

enough, I found Mr. Preston, on his knees too, on the gravelwalk, and before him Mary, holding the little

"Dearest creature!" says Mr. Preston, "do but listen to me, and I'll make your husband consul at Timbuctoo!

He shall never know of it, I tell you: he CAN never know of it. I pledge you my word as a Cabinet Minister!

Mary, when she saw me, burst out laughing, and ran down the lawn; my Lord making a huge crowing, too,

and holding out his little fat hands. Mr. Preston, who was a heavy man, was slowly getting up, when,

catching a sight of me looking as fierce as the crater of Mount Etna,he gave a start back and lost his

footing, and rolled over and over, walloping into the water at the garden's edge. It was not deep, and he came

"I'm waiting your orders for Timbuctoo, sir," says I, and laughed fit to die; and so did my Lord Tiptoff and

his party, who joined us on the lawn: and Jeames the footman came forward and helped Mr. Preston out of

"Oh, you old sinner!" says my Lord, as his brotherinlaw came up the slope. "Will that heart of yours be

Mr. Preston went away, looking blue with rage, and illtreated his wife for a whole month afterwards.

"At any rate," says my Lord, "Titmarsh here has got a place through our friend's unhappy attachment; and

Mrs. Titmarsh has only laughed at him, so there is no harm there. It's an ill wind that blows nobody good, you

"Such a wind as that, my Lord, with due respect to you, shall never do good to me. I have learned in the past

few years what it is to make friends with the mammon of unrighteousness; and that out of such friendship no

good comes in the end to honest men. It shall never be said that Sam Titmarsh got a place because a great

man was in love with his wife; and were the situation ten times as valuable, I should blush every day I

entered the officedoors in thinking of the base means by which my fortune was made. You have made me

free, my Lord; and, thank God! I am willing to work. I can easily get a clerkship with the assistance of my

friends; and with that and my wife's income, we can manage honestly to face the world."

This rather long speech I made with some animation; for, look you, I was not over well pleased that his

My Lord at first turned red, and looked rather angry; but at last he held out his hand and said, "You are right,

Titmarsh, and I am wrong; and let me tell you in confidence, that I think you are a very honest fellow. You

Nor did I: for I am at this present moment Lord Tiptoff's steward and righthand man: and am I not a happy

father? and is not my wife loved and respected by all the country? and is not Gus Hoskins my

brotherinlaw, partner with his excellent father in the leather way, and the delight of all his nephews and

As for Mr. Brough, that gentleman's history would fill a volume of itself. Since he vanished from the London

world, he has become celebrated on the Continent, where he has acted a thousand parts, and met all sorts of

changes of high and low fortune. One thing we may at least admire in the man, and that is, his undaunted

courage; and I can't help thinking, as I have said before, that there must be some good in him, seeing the way

in which his family are faithful to him. With respect to Roundhand, I had best also speak tenderly. The case

of Roundhand v. Tidd is still in the memory of the public; nor can I ever understand how Bill Tidd, so poetic

as he was, could ever take on with such a fat, odious, vulgar woman as Mrs. R., who was old enough to be his

As soon as we were in prosperity, Mr. and Mrs. Grimes Wapshot made overtures to be reconciled to us; and

Mr. Wapshot laid bare to me all the baseness of Mr. Smithers's conduct in the Brough transaction. Smithers

had also endeavoured to pay his court to me, once when I went down to Somersetshire; but I cut his

pretensions short, as I have shown. "He it was," said Mr. Wapshot, "who induced Mrs. Grimes (Mrs.

Hoggarty she was then) to purchase the West Diddlesex shares: receiving, of course, a large bonus for

himself. But directly he found that Mrs. Hoggarty had fallen into the hands of Mr. Brough, and that he should

lose the income he made from the lawsuits with her tenants and from the management of her landed property,

he determined to rescue her from that villain Brough, and came to town for the purpose. He also," added Mr.

Wapshot, "vented his malignant slander against me; but Heaven was pleased to frustrate his base schemes. In

the proceedings consequent on Brough's bankruptcy, Mr. Smithers could not appear; for his own share in the

transactions of the Company would have been most certainly shown up. During his absence from London, I

became the husbandthe happy husbandof your aunt. But though, my dear sir, I have been the means of

bringing her to grace, I cannot disguise from you that Mrs. W. has faults which all my pastoral care has not

enabled me to eradicate. She is close of her money, sirvery close; nor can I make that charitable use of her

property which, as a clergyman, I ought to do; for she has tied up every shilling of it, and only allows me

halfacrown a week for pocketmoney. In temper, too, she is very violent. During the first years of our

union, I strove with her; yea, I chastised her; but her perseverance, I must confess, got the better of me. I

make no more remonstrances, but am as a lamb in her hands, and she leads me whithersoever she pleases."

Mr. Wapshot concluded his tale by borrowing halfacrown from me (it was at the Somerset Coffeehouse

in the Strand, where he came, in the year 1832, to wait upon me), and I saw him go from thence into the

ginshop opposite, and come out of the ginshop halfanhour afterwards, reeling across the streets, and

He died next year: when his widow, who called herself Mrs. HoggartyGrimesWapshot, of Castle

Hoggarty, said that over the grave of her saint all earthly resentments were forgotten, and proposed to come

and live with us; paying us, of course, a handsome remuneration. But this offer my wife and I respectfully

declined; and once more she altered her will, which once more she had made in our favour; called us

ungrateful wretches and pampered menials, and left all her property to the Irish Hoggarties. But seeing my

wife one day in a carriage with Lady Tiptoff, and hearing that we had been at the great ball at Tiptoff Castle,

and that I had grown to be a rich man, she changed her mind again, sent for me on her deathbed, and left me

the farms of Slopperton and Squashtail, with all her savings for fifteen years. Peace be to her soul! for

Though I am no literary man myself, my cousin Michael (who generally, when he is short of coin, comes

down and passes a few months with us) says that my Memoirs may be of some use to the public (meaning, I

suspect, to himself); and if so, I am glad to serve him and them, and hereby take farewell: bidding all gents

who peruse this, to be cautious of their money, if they have it; to be still more cautious of their friends'

money; to remember that great profits imply great risks; and that the great shrewd capitalists of this country

would not be content with four per cent. for their money, if they could securely get more: above all, I entreat

them never to embark in any speculation, of which the conduct is not perfectly clear to them, and of which