Title: FOGGERTY'S FAIRY
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Author: W.S. Gilbert
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FOGGERTY'S FAIRY
W.S. Gilbert
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Table of Contents
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY .......................................................................................................................................1
W.S. Gilbert.............................................................................................................................................1
ACT I......................................................................................................................................................1
ACT II. ..................................................................................................................................................15
ACT III. .................................................................................................................................................31
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY
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FOGGERTY'S FAIRY
W.S. Gilbert
Act I
Act II
Act III
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY
An Entirely Original Fairy Farce
in three acts
"On a banni les demons et les fees,
Le raisonner tristement s'accredite:
On court, helas! apres la verite:
Ah! croyer moi l'erreur a son merite!"
VOLTAIRE.
"Demons and fays are banished, hand in hand,
Stern Common Sense has ousted Necromancy:
Though fact, alas, now lords it o'er the land:
Trust me, there's something to be said for Fancy!"
VOLTAIRE.
DRAMATIS PERSONAE.
Frederick Foggerty } Young Surgeons { Mr CHARLES WYNDHAM
Walkinshaw } without practice { Mr GEO. GIDDENS
Talbot ... (a Wholesale Cheesemonger) ... Mr. W. BLAKELEY
Dr. Lobb ... } Mad { Mr A. MALTBY
Dr. Dobb ... } Doctors { Mr. H.H. ASTLEY
Blogg ... (a Mad Keeper) ... Mr A. REDWOOD
Uncle Fogle ... ... Mr A.M. DENISON
Walker } ... Wedding ... { Mr EDWARD H. BELL
Balker } ... Guests ... { Mr ALEX. VERTON
The Fairy Rebecca ... Miss ROSIE SAKER
Jennie Talbot {Engaged in Act I. to Foggerty.} Miss M. RORKE
{Engaged in Act II. to Walkinshaw}
Miss Delia Spiff .. (a matteroffact Old Lady) Miss M. DALY
Tottie } Jennie's { Miss F. HARRINGTON
Lottie } Bridesmaids { Miss K. RORKE
Aunt Bogle ... ... Mrs A. MELLON
AND
Miss De Vere ... (a romantic Lady) ... ... Mrs. JOHN WOOD
ACT I.
SCENE.Drawingroom in TALBOT's house on the morning of his
daughter's marriage to FOGGERTY. A large bowwindow leads into a
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garden. TALBOT is discovered. The following guests are disposed about
the roomUNCLE FOGLE (a snuffy old gentleman), AUNT BOGLE (a stout
lady), WALKER and BALKER (two young men), and others. All are in
extremely low spirits, except TALBOT, who endeavours to infuse a
little cheerfulness into the company. All wear favours.
ALL [sighing]. Ah!
UNCLE FOGLE. Oh, dear me, dear me!
TALBOT. What is the matter with you all? Do try and be cheerful. If
my only daughter is going to be married to a penniless young
apothecary, there's no occasion to treat her wedding as though it were
a funeral. Pray, pray remember that this is, after all, a festive
occasion.
FOGLE. My dear John, I wouldn't, for the world, say a word to cast a
gloom over thesewell, these rejoicings; but I can't help thinking,
that, with her attractions, Jenny might have looked a little higher.
You understand, I don't say it I confine myself to thinking it.
AUNT BOGLE. You see, John, you know so little of Mr. Foggerty.
TALBOT. I knew him when he was a little boy of nine; he was a very
clean little boy of nine.
BALKER. Ah! but a man's character is not formed at nine.
FOGLE. However, it's no use crying over spilt milk.
AUNT BOGLE. Very truewhat's done can't be helped.
WALKER. Except it's muttonand then what's underdone can't be
helped. [All smile sadly at WALKER's joke.]
TALBOT [shaking WALKER's hand]. Thank you, Tommy; it's very kind and
thoughtful of you to make that joke.
WALKER. I'll make another presently.
TALBOT. Thank you. I'm sure you will. I won't forget it. God bless
you, Tommy.
AUNT BOGLE. After all, Mr Foggerty may be a very respectable young
man.
UNCLE FOGLE. Equally, of course, he may not; but let us not
anticipate disaster.
TALBOT. What was I to do? Jenny has, somehow, got a ridiculous idea
into her head that she could never love any man who had ever loved
before, and she is weak enough to believe that she has found this
monstrosity in Foggerty. I've told her all sorts of anecdotes to his
disparagement not exactly true ones, because I couldn't find out
anybut the sort of anecdotes that I dare say are true if one only
knew. It's a painful thing, gentleman, for a father to have to admit,
but my undutiful girl won't believe me.
FOGLE. It's a sad thing when a girl won't believe her own father!
WALKER. If she won't believe her own father, whose father will she
believe? [All smile sadly at WALKER's joke.]
TALBOT. Thank you, my boythank you! It was just the same with
poor, brokenhearted Walkinshaw. She fell in love with Walkinshaw
because she thought he had never loved before, but she found out from
Foggerty that Walkinshaw had already been engaged to somebody, so that
settled him. Then she fell in love with Foggerty. We did all we could
to fix him with an affair of some kind, but in vain; it's true we did
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rake up an old boyish flirtation of his, but he was rather young at
the timeonly nineand it's not likely to have been serious.
AUNT BOGLE. I don't knowa boy who flirts at nine will flirt at
ninety, that's my experience.
BALKER. Nine is a critical agea man's character is often formed at
nine.
TALBOT [looking off]. But Jenny's coming downshe's in the highest
possible spirits, and I don't want her to be depressed. Those who feel
they really can't bear up had better, perhaps, go and shed some tears
in the garden [all go off except AUNT BOGLE, UNCLE FOGLE, and TALBOT],
and, those who remain, please remember that you've been asked in order
to contribute to the general hilarity, and, for goodness' sake, don't
forget that this is really and truly a festive occasion. Come, let us
all smile.
[All smile grimly as JENNY enters, in a flood of tears,
and dressed in morning dress. She is followed by LOTTIE
and TOTTIE, dressed as bridesmaids. She throws herself
down on a chair, weeping bitterly. LOTTIE and TOTTIE
comfort her.]
JENNY [weeping]. Oh dear! oh dear! What shall I do?
TALBOT. There's Jenny at it now! Bless my heart, she'll have a red
nose at the church!
LOTTIE. There, theredon't crydon't cry!
TOTTIE. It's sure to be all rightdon't cry!
TALBOT. Now what is it, and why are you not dressed? What are you
crying for?
JENNY. Oh, papa, papaI'm to be married this morning, and
TALBOT. She's to be married this morning, and she's crying about it!
Isn't that like a woman? And whose fault is it, I should like to know?
JENNY. Oh, papa, I'm not crying becausebecause I'm gg going to
be married to Frederickbut I've ggot to be at the church in half an
hour, and my dress hasn't come home yet. [Fresh burst of grief.] Oh
dear! oh dear! What shall I do?
TALBOT. Dress not come home?
[During all this UNCLE FOGLE and AUNT BOGLE preserve a
ridiculous and immovable smile.]
JENNY. No, it was tight under the arms, so I sent it back, and it
was to have come home this evening, and I've nothing to wear!
AUNT BOGLE. Don't cry, child. I've my own weddingdress at home. It
was made in 1820. I've never worn it but once. I'll lend it to you.
TALBOT. Why, that'll be the very thing.
JENNY [sobbing]. Nono. Youyou're too fat. [UNCLE FOGLE and AUNT
BOGLE, who have been smiling fixedly all this time, suddenly look
disgusted.] I mean I'm too thin. [Exeunt AUNT BOGLE and UNCLE FOGLE in
a huff.] Oh dear! what shall I do?
TALBOT. Come, come. I'll send for it. It'll be here directly. [To
LOTTIE and TOTTIE] Pick her up, my dears, pick her up, and, above all
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things, don't let her have a red nose at the church. Powder it, my
dears; powder it. This is a festive occasion and it absolutely must be
powdered.
[Exit TALBOT.
LOTTIE. There! It's sure to arrive in time.
TOTTIE. I'm sure I hope it will, if it's only to spite the
illnatured people who are always running Mr. Foggerty down.
JENNY. I don't care what they say. He has one virtue that would
sanctify him in my eyes though his errors were legion. He, at least,
has never loved before.
LOTTIE. Well, it's possible, dear, of course.
JENNY. Possible! I have it on the very best authority. He told me so
himself. He ought to know, I suppose.
TOTTIE. He ought to, dear, of course.
JENNY. Oh, would you have me doubt the man I love? Would you have me
love the man I doubt? Oh no! no! Love doubts not. Doubt loves not. He
says he has never loved, and it is enough.
LOTTIE [to TOTTIE]. I'm sure I hope he hasn't, for if she found out,
too late, that he had deceived her, what would she do?
[Exeunt LOTTIE and TOTTIE.
JENNY [dreamingly]. What would I do? I don't know. It would be
something with a knife in it, and there would be blood. I don't know
whoseperhaps hisperhaps mine! Oh, I dare not think of it!I dare
not think of it!
[Enter FOGGERTY, sticking a flower in his buttonhole.]
FOGGERTY. There. It's wonderful how a tastily selected vegetable
sets one off. [Sees JENNY.] Jenny! My own! Why, not dressed yet?
What's the matter?
JENNY [dreamily]. I say I dare not think of it.
FOGGERTY. Why not?
JENNY [dreamily]. There would be blood, wouldn't there?
FOGGERTY. If you dressed yourself? No, I don't see why there should.
There, go and put on your things.
JENNY [dreamily]. Yours or mine?
FOGGERTY. Yours, of course. What do you mean?
JENNY. I mean, if I found out that you had ever loved another
FOGGERTY. Oh, of course, in that case mine; I would shed it myself.
JENNY. But you never have?
FOGGERTY. I? Never!
JENNY. This flirtationwhen you were nine?
FOGGERTY. It was nothing. She made eyes at me in church.
JENNY. And what did you do?
FOGGERTY. I fled.
JENNY. In horror?
FOGGERTY. In horror. It was so bold of her. I was appalled.
JENNY. My delicateminded Frederick! Oh, he has never loved till
now!
FOGGERTY. Jenny, we are to be married today; do you think I
might
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JENNY. I think so, dear; it is our weddingday.
FOGGERTY. Under the circumstances, I think. [Kisses her. Both sigh.]
JENNY. I don't know how it is, it's very strange and unaccountable
and unwomanly; but, although my dress don't fit, I feel almost happy!
FOGGERTY. I am glad you are happy, Jenny.
JENNY. I have always said that my love should only be given to one
who had never loved before. I will not have a heart at secondhand. My
husband must be one whose torch of love was lit by me alone, and you
are such an one, are you not?
FOGGERTY. Yes; many a night and oft have I lain awake gazing at the
moon, and wondering what manner of thing this love might be of which I
had heard so much, this strange and irrational desire to spend a
lifetime with the adored object; and, when I renewed my old
acquaintance with you, the sun broke on my darkness, and all seemed
clear as summer noon!
JENNY. My darling!
FOGGERTY. Do you think I might again?
JENNY. Yes, dear, I think so.
FOGGERTY. No, nobetter notbetter not.
JENNY. In my eyes, a man who has once loved is as a defaced
postagestampinteresting, perhaps, to the collector, but to all
others a thing of naught.
FOGGERTY. Such as poor Walkinshaw, for example.
JENNY. Such as poor Mr. Walkinshaw. I do not think I ever loved him,
but he interested me because I believed that I was the first that had
ever kindled the fire of love within his heart. But, to my horror and
disgust, before we had been engaged a fortnight I learnt from you that
he had already loved another.
FOGGERTY. I felt it to be my duty not to conceal from you a fact so
material to your happiness, my poor child.
JENNY. Poor then, but poor no longer. Rich in the devotion of a
heart that throbs for me, and me alone!
FOGGERTY. Oh! don't you think I might venture once more, to No,
no. We can waitwe can wait.
[Enter WALKINSHAW. He is in a most depressed condition,
but gorgeously dressed, nevertheless.]
JENNY. Mr Walkinshaw!
WALKINSHAW. Nay, don't mind me. Proceed with your fondlings. Time
was when I could not have witnessed them. But I must get used to
itit's good practice. Go on.
JENNY. It's your own fault, Mr. Walkinshaw. You led me to believe
that yours was a virgin heart.
FOGGERTY. Too bad, Walkinshawtoo bad.
WALKINSHAW [furiously]. Foggerty, I submit to Miss Talbot's
reproaches, for I respect and sympathize with the feelings that give
them birth. But from you I will not stand it. Take care, sirtake
care!
JENNY. Wouldn't you rather retire, Mr. Walkinshaw? It must pain you
to see us like this.
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WALKINSHAW. NoI must learn to bear it. Go on; but do it by
degrees. Put your arm around her waist, Foggerty. There let me get
used to that first. [Writhes in anguish.]
JENNY. If you had been all that you represented yourself to be, you
would today have stood in Frederick's place, and he would, very
likely, have been your best man.
WALKINSHAW. And bad would have been the best! Miss Talbot, it is
true that I had already loved, but whom? A woman who lived on actions
for breach of promisewho had already brought eighteen such actions,
and who was seeking every opportunity to make me the defendant in a
nineteenth. Foggerty, oblige me by allowing Miss Talbot to rest her
head on your shoulder.
FOGGERTY. Do you mean it? [She does so.]
WALKINSHAW. Oh, it is hard to bear!it is hard to bear! [Writhing.]
Now kiss her. [FOGGERTY does so.] Oh!!! [Writhing.]
JENNY. Mr Walkinshaw, you deliberately deceived me, and I can never
believe you again.
FOGGERTY. I'm surprised at you, Walkinshaw, I am indeed.
WALKINSHAW. Miss Talbot, I admit that I deceived you. Still, if you
will so far forget the past as to extend credence to me when I tell
you, on the faith and honour of a brokenhearted gentleman, that your
weddingdress has just arrived, you will pour one drop of balm into a
wound that has hitherto yawned balmless.
JENNY. My weddingdress arrived! And you brought it! Oh, thank you,
thank you. Mr Walkinshaw, there is much that is very nice about you.
Oh, why did you deceive me once? But for that I might even now bebut
no [looking at FOGGERTY], it is better as it is!
[Exit JENNY.
FOGGERTY. Ha! ha! ha! poor Walkinshaw!
WALKINSHAW. Cheat! impostor! snake!
FOGGERTY. Not at all, Walkinshaw. I've merely profited by your
example.
WALKINSHAW. Oh, this is hardthis is bitterly hard! However, you're
not married yet, that's one comfort.
FOGGERTY. No; but I shall be in half an hourand that's another.
WALKINSHAW. Don't be too sure; I have news for you. Delia Spiff,
your late fiancee, arrived from Melbourne yesterday.
FOGGERTY. Are you in earnest?
WALKINSHAW. Look at that. [Hands newspaper.]
FOGGERTY [reads]. Blackball line"Red Knight"specie passengers
on boardMiss Delia Spiff! What's to be done? She'll come here of
course! The Talbots are her only living relatives! Why, she may arrive
at any moment, and if she should
WALKINSHAW. It would be a just retribution. You trifled with her,
sir! [Sternly.]
FOGGERTY. Trifled with her? Nonsense! you can't trifle with an old
woman with a green umbrella. Besides, I was in Melbourne, starving,
penniless. There, under my very nose, so to speak, was a comic old
dowager, absolutely rolling in bank notes and sound
securitiesrolling in them, sirunder my very nose! What was I to
do?
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WALKINSHAW. A man of proper feeling would have looked the other way.
FOGGERTY. I had the bank notes before my eyes; they dazzled me. I
didn't see the dowagerat least not clearly until some weeks after
I proposed to her. As soon as my eyes got used to the glare of the
money the dowager dawned upon me.
WALKINSHAW. How did she look?
FOGGERTY. Fearful! I couldn't do it. I couldn't, indeed. You
couldn't do it. I didn't like to tell her so, so I implied it gently
and delicately. In fact, I bolted, and came to England. I found Jenny,
the friend of my childhood, young and cheerful. She was engaged to
you; but, nevertheless, she was quite cheerful. I felt it to be my
duty to let her know how basely you had deceived her. You were
dismissed, and I stepped into your shoes, in the assumed character of
a gentleman who had never loved before. And in half an hour I marry
her.
WALKINSHAW. Supposing, always, that Spiff don't turn up.
FOGGERTY. Walkinshaw, she shan't turn up. I won't give her time to
turn up; we'll be off at once. [Impatiently.] What are we waiting for?
Why don't they come? Why don't we start? What an extraordinary thing
it is that a woman cannot be punctual! [Calling.] Jenny, are you
ready? What! "five minutes?" It's an unreasonable time. Can't you come
as you are? "Impossible?" Ridiculous! [Getting more impatient.] What
is the reason of this preposterous delay? Why does everything go wrong
today? Why have you got a confounded green waistcoat, and a
ridiculous red tie? [Pulling him about.]
WALKINSHAW. Don't! I'm dressed for a wedding!
FOGGERTY. Dressed for a wedding? You're dressed for a lobster salad!
[To footstool.] You get out! [Kicking it.] You're always in the way!
WALKINSHAW [at door]. This is what it is to play with women's
hearts! But a terrible revenge will be mine. The wedding breakfast has
yet to be eaten, and I supply the wine.
[Exit.
FOGGERTY. Upon my soul, I believe I'm the unluckiest dog breathing!
I did think I was safe this time. She'll come here, of courseand
then Why don't that girl come? [Calling.] Jenny, do come along!
Never mind the hooks and eyes. You can do them in the carriage. What?
"Couldn't think of such a thing." There, isn't that a woman all over?
Dress dressdress. Always dressing, and never done with it.
[Looking at watch.] Halfpast eleven! We shan't get to the church for
an hour, and if Delia should turn up! It's fearfulit's more than
fearful. It's appalling! It's a fix that nothing short of a fairy
godmother could get me out of. Why haven't I a fairy godmother? People
used to have them. You had only to invite them to your christening,
and they'd do anything for you. Now, I call that gratitude. But fairy
godmothers are out of fashion now, and gratitude went out with them.
Still, if there is such a thing as a guardian angel watching over me,
here is an opportunity to show what she's worth, that may never occur
again.
[Slow music. The wall opens, and the fairy REBECCA is
discovered standing in front of a revolving star. He
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does not see her, but he hears the slow music.]
There's a confounded German band outside, with the clarionet out of
tune, as usual.
REBECCA [coming down]. Mr Foggerty!
FOGGERTY. Eh! [Turns and sees her.] Hallo! I beg your pardon, but
REBECCA. You don't know me?
FOGGERTY. Ithat is Well, no, I don't know you.
REBECCA. I'm the Fairy Rebecca!
FOGGERTY. The Fairy Rebecca?
REBECCA. Yes; don't be frightened. I'm a good fairy.
FOGGERTY. Now, you be off; we've nothing for you. Come, away you go.
REBECCA. You don't believe me?
FOGGERTY. No, I don't believe you.
REBECCA [humbly]. Upon my word I'm speaking the truth. I really am a
fairy, I am indeed. Didn't you see me appear?
FOGGERTY. No.
REBECCA. I came through that wallright through it!
FOGGERTY. Can you disappear through it?
REBECCA. Certainly.
FOGGERTY. Then the sooner you do it the better.
REBECCA [going towards wall]. I think you're extremely unkind. I
came simply because I thought I might be of use to you. But if you
don't want me
FOGGERTY. Stop. Are you, by any chance, in earnest?
REBECCA. Of course I'm in earnest; but it's the old story. Nobody
believes in us nowadays. Time was when we mixed ourselves up, as a
matter of course, in human business. We were a power then, and people
were afraid of us. Whenever an important christening took place we
were invited as a matter of course, and if any one of us was
neglected, it was bad for the baby. Ah, those were days!
FOGGERTY. But that was some time ago. We don't associate ladies of
your calling with frockcoats and trousers.
REBECCA. Exactly; and so our existence is reduced to a mere question
of tailoring. If tights and trunks came in again, I suppose we should
come in again with them.
FOGGERTY. I trust not. I trust not.
REBECCA. Why not?
FOGGERTY. Because they are not usually worn by ladies.
REBECCA [pettishly]. Come into fashion with them! One has to pick
one's words in speaking to you, you are so matterof fact.
FOGGERTY. It's a matteroffact age.
REBECCA. Not particularly. Every age is matteroffact to those who
live in it. Romance died the day before yesterday. Today will be
romantic the day after tomorrow.
FOGGERTY. Yes. Perhaps if you looked in again the day after
tomorrow
REBECCA. I'm speaking metaphorically. Don't be ridiculous. Now then,
business. I'm your tutelary fairy.
FOGGERTY. My what?
REBECCA. Your tutelary fairy your guardian genius. I hover over
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you like this. [Hovers.] You know what I mean.
FOGGERTY. Am I to understand that you're always hovering over me
when I don't know it?
REBECCA. Certainly.
FOGGERTY. Oh!
REBECCA. What's the matter?
FOGGERTY. Nothing. It's embarrassing, that's all. I wish I'd known
it before! Has this hovering been going on long?
REBECCA. About eighteen monthsever since your engagement to Delia
Spiff. The fact is I was sorry to see a fine young man throwing
himself away on a ridiculous old woman, so I said to myself, "That
young man's making a fool of himself; I'll keep my eye on that young
man."
FOGGERTY. Oh! you know about Delia Spiff?
REBECCA. To be sure. We all know about it. It's a standing joke up
in Fairyland.
FOGGERTY. Is it? It's rather a serious matter down here. Butcan I
offer you anything?
REBECCA. Thank you. I'll take a glass of sherry and a biscuit. [He
helps her. She drinks.] Now, then, what's the difficulty?
FOGGERTY. Oh, it's about that woman; she's the bane of my life! I'm
on the point of being married to a most delightful girl, and I'm
expecting Spiff to turn up every moment and claim me.
REBECCA. Ah! I thought as much! Well, what do you want me to do? I
can't strangle Delia, you know, because I'm a good fairy.
FOGGERTY. What a pity.
REBECCA [with alacrity]. Yes; but I know a bad fairy who'd do it at
once if I asked her.
FOGGERTY. No, no! I don't want to hurt Delia; but if you could
manage to marry her offhand to somebodyto Walkinshaw, for
instance
REBECCA. No, it would be too hard on Walkinshaw. You see I'm a good
fairy! The bad fairy I was speaking about would do it with pleasure if
I asked her; but it would take time, and I suppose time is precious.
FOGGERTY. It is indeed. [Looking at his watch.] It's very annoying,
for that woman's been the curse of my existence. All my misfortunes
have had their origin in my engagement to her, and if I could blot her
out of my existence I should be the happiest man alive.
REBECCA [musing]. Blot her out of your existence? Well, I think I
could do that for you.
FOGGERTY [delighted]. You could!
REBECCA. Yees [considering], there's no difficulty at all about
that; but
FOGGERTY. Then I'll do it!
REBECCA. Don't be in a hurry. Think what you're about. If you blot
Delia Spiff out of your career, you blot out at the same time all the
consequences that came of having known her.
FOGGERTY. But, my good girl, that's exactly what I want to do!
REBECCA. Take care. The consequences of an act are often much more
numerous and important than people have any idea of. Take your own
case: you come of a good family, and you are proud of it.
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY
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FOGGERTY. We are the Lancashire Foggertys.
REBECCA. No doubt. You didn't do much towards it, and I don't see
what you've got to be proud of; but still, proud you are. Now you
would never have been born if your father had never met your mother.
FOGGERTY. I suppose not.
REBECCA. And your father met your mother in this wise. Some
thirtysix years ago, as he was walking down Regent Street, his
attentions were directed to a sculptor's shop, in which was a
remarkable monument to a Colonel Culpepper, who died of a cold caught
in going into the Ganges to rescue a favourite dog which had fallen
into it. An old schoolfellow passed by, and, touching your father on
the shoulder, asked him to dinner. Your father went, and at the dinner
met your mother, whom he eventually married. And that's how you came
about.
FOGGERTY. I see. If my father hadn't had that invitation to dinner I
should never have been born.
REBECCA. No doubt; but your existence is primarily due to a much
more remote cause. If your father hadn't loitered opposite the
sculptor's shop, his schoolfellow would never have met him. If Colonel
Culpepper hadn't died, your father would never have stopped to look at
his monument. If Colonel Culpepper's favourite dog had never tumbled
into the Ganges, the Colonel would never have caught the cold that led
to his death. If that favourite dog's father had never met that
favourite dog's mother that favourite dog would never have been born,
neither would you. And yet you're proud of your origin!
FOGGERTY. I see. I never looked at it in that light. It's
humiliating, for a Lancashire Foggerty.
REBECCA. It is humiliating. Well, now you see where you are, and you
can do as you like. Here is a small phial and a box of prepared pills.
When you wish to eliminate a factor from your social equation, all you
have to do is express your wish and swallow the draught. When you wish
to see me, all you have to do is express your wish and swallow a pill.
But take my advice, don't use it except in the last extremity.
Remember, if you obliterate an act and its consequences, it's
impossible to say what incidents may or may not have taken their
place. You are pretty nearly sure to find yourself in an entirely
altered state of circumstances.
FOGGERTY. I understand. But
REBECCA. Yes?
FOGGERTY. There's one question I should like to ask This is not a
pantomime?
REBECCA. Bless the man, no.
FOGGERTY. It won't end in my being changed into Harlequin, and Jenny
into Columbine, or any nonsense of that sort, will it? Because if it
does
REBECCA. You need not alarm yourself. This is not a Pantomime, but a
very graceful and poetical Fairy Extravaganza. Rather dull, perhaps,
but quite refined, and containing nothing whatever that could shock
the sensibilities of the most fastidious.
FOGGERTY. That's quite sufficient. You understand the nature of my
objection?
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY 10
Page No 13
REBECCA. Perfectly
FOGGERTY. It wouldn't be dignified
REBECCA. I quite understand.
FOGGERTY. A Lancashire Foggerty jumping through a window!
REBECCA. Oh! it wouldn't do at all. Well, I must be off now, for
I've got to dance second in a ballet in a fairy glen in half an hour.
Remember, when you eliminate an act from your career, all its
consequences, direct and indirect, are eliminated with it; so take my
advice, and don't use it except in a last emergency. Where's my
vampire? [Looking around.] Oh!I seethank you. [Placing herself
opposite Vampire.] All right. Go!
[Vampire opens. She steps into it, it closes, and she
disappears. Hurried music.]
FOGGERTY [bewildered]. So I've a guardian spirit, have I? I'm a sort
of human ward in fairy chancery, and wherever I go, and whatever I do,
there's a supernatural lady always at hand, popping in upon me when I
least expect it, and looking down upon me when I haven't an idea of
it. It's complimentaryit's even gratifyingbut it's distinctly
embarrassing. I'll defy any man to feel unconstrained and at his ease
when he knows that there's an invisible young woman at his elbow all
day long; and as for this phialhow do I know that my position will
be improved if I use it? I don't like these unknown incidents that she
alludes to. There's such a thing a getting out of the fryingpan into
the fire. By Jove, when I think of the difficulties and dangers with
which I'm surrounded, I feel uncommonly inclined to begin at the
beginning, and wish that Colonel Culpepper's favourite dog's father
had remained a bachelor to the end of his days!
[Enter JENNY in weddingdress, followed by LOTTIE and
TOTTIE.]
Oh, here you are at last. Now let's be off.
JENNY. And haven't you a word to say about my dress?
FOGGERTY. Eh, what? Oh, beautiful, beautiful. Now, do come!
LOTTIE. Isn't it lovely! Isn't it quite too charming?
TOTTIE. And look at the lace! It's Venetian point. And the bouquet!
and do look at the wreath! It's absolutely heavenly.
FOGGERTY. Damn the wreath!
JENNY. Oh! [Bursts into tears.] Oh dear! did you hear what he said?
[Enter OLD TALBOT and WALKINSHAW, with the other guests
from garden.]
FOGGERTY. Here you are at last!
TALBOT. Yes, all ready. Now then. [Sees JENNY crying.] Why, what's
the matter now? You've got your dress, and what more do you want?
JENNY [crying]. Oh, papa! It's Frederick!
TALBOT. What has he done? Don't he like the dress?
JENNY. Yesyes, hehe likes the dress, butbuthe damned the
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY 11
Page No 14
wreath!
TALBOT [horrified]. Foggerty, did you seriously damn that wreath?
FOGGERTY. Well, I damned it, but not seriously. It was a figure of
speech.
TALBOT [to JENNY, who is whimpering]. There, there, you hear. It was
a figure of speech. [To the others.] It was a poetical metaphor. A man
may be allowed to indulge in a poetical metaphor on his weddingday.
WALKER. If a man may not be allowed to indulge in a poetical
metaphor on his own weddingday, on whose wedding day may he?
ALL. Ah! [Sighing.]
FOGLE. I cannot refrain, even at this supreme moment, from
FOGGERTY. StopI know what you're going to say. I'm utterly
unworthy of her. With her money, she might have done much better, and,
no doubt, there's a good deal against me, if you only knew it. That's
what you were going to say. Isn't it?
ALL. It is.
FOGLE. That sort of thing.
FOGGERTY. Well, then, I quite agree with you. It's carried
unanimously. Now, let the subject drop.
TALBOT. Jenny, take my armUncle Fogle offer your arm to Aunt
Bogle; Walker take Lottie; Balker take Tottie; Foggerty, you follow
with Walkinshaw, as a matter of course. [To all, who are looking very
miserable.] Now, my dear friends, can't you manage to get up a smile?
This is not a funeral.
AUNT BOGLE. Very true. Let us all smile.
[All smile except WALKINSHAW, who is scowling.]
TALBOT. Walkinshaw, if you don't smile you shall go home.
JENNY. Oh, Mr. Walkinshaw, pray smile, for my sake!
WALKINSHAW. For your sake? [Sighs, then, with an effort.] For your
sake I will! [Assumes a forced smile.]
TALBOT. That's itcapital! and whatever you do, mind you keep that
up. Now, then, away we go!
[They move towards door, when it opens, and MISS DELIA
SPIFF enters. She is a very eccentriclooking old lady,
and carries a large green umbrella.]
MISS SPIFF. Stop!
ALL. Who is this?
FOGGERTY [horrified]. Delia Spiff! I knew it! I'm a ruined man!
JENNY. Why, I declare it's Aunt Delia!
ALL. Aunt Delia?
MISS SPIFF. Yes; Aunt Spiff, arrived at Victoria Docks this morning,
from Melbourne.
JENNY. Why, how fortunate! You're just in time for my wedding!
MISS SPIFF. Your wedding? Whom are you going to marry?
TALBOT. Mr. Frederick Foggerty.
MISS SPIFF. Oh, indeed!
FOGGERTY [confused]. Delighted, I'm sure.
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY 12
Page No 15
MISS SPIFF [to FOGGERTY]. Well, you're a pretty fellow, you are!
JENNY. Frederick is generally admired.
MISS SPIFF [to FOGGERTY]. So I've caught you at last, have I?
JENNY. What do you mean?
MISS SPIFF. That young man belongs to me!
ALL. What!
MISS SPIFF. Here it is black and white. [Producing document.] He
admired me. I can't imagine what he saw in me to admire, but he saw
something. I attracted him; he grew attentive. I fascinated him; he
grew sentimental. I was coy; he proposed to me. I accepted him; he
grew indifferent. I sang to him; he wearied of me. I danced before
him; he fled!
WALKINSHAW. Oh, Foggerty, for shame! Too bad.
TALBOT [dismally]. You needn't smile any more at present, gentlemen.
JENNY. Frederick, what does this mean?
FOGGERTY. I believe she refers to me. It's nothing. It's a figure of
speech, a mere form, commonly employed by elderly Australian ladies
inin renewing aa Platonic acquaintance. [Relapses.]
TALBOT. You hear? It's a figure of speech, a flight of
metaphornothing more.
WALKER. If an elderly Australian lady may not be allowed to indulge
in a flight of metaphor on renewing a Platonic acquaintance, who may?
TALBOT. To be sure. Thank you, Walker. [To company.] It's all right,
you can smile again. [All smile mechanically.]
MISS SPIFF. Stuff and nonsense. There ain't much metaphor about me.
I'm a plain fact.
FOGGERTY. A hideous fact!
JENNY [with an effort]. Aunt Delia, am I to understand that Mr.
Frederick Foggerty offered marriage to you?
MISS SPIFF [indignantly]. Why, to be sure you are! What do you
suppose he offered?
JENNY. It is well. I renounce him. You can go home, everybody. There
will be no wedding today. Oh, papa, papa! to think that even he has
loved before! [Sobs on TALBOT's breast.]
TALBOT [to company, who have preserved their fixed smile through
this]. You needn't smile now, gentlemen. [All scowl.]
FOGGERTY. JennyI haven'tI didn'titit was a Platonic
engagement.
MISS SPIFF. A Platonic fiddlestick!
FOGGERTY. Miss Spiff, you will not insist on your bond. You will be
merciful! You will not dash the cupdash it, the jug of happiness
from my lips. You have a great heart, and so you will not do these
things!
MISS SPIFF. Won't I? Come to the altar! [Collaring him.]
TALBOT. But my good woman.
MISS SPIFF. Woman yourself. [To FOGGERTY.] Come to joy!
TALBOT. Now, pray do be reasonable. Pray do let's have a little
common sense.
MISS SPIFF. You shall. You want it. Hark ye, sir. You are in trade?
TALBOT. I am. Wholesale.
MISS SPIFF. So am I. Wholesale. What's your stock?
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY 13
Page No 16
TALBOT. Mine's cheese.
MISS SPIFF. Mine's charms. It's a small business. There ain't many
of them, and what there are ain't much to speak of. The stock's
damaged, isn't it?
TALBOT. Well, as for that, I can hardly be so ungallant as to admit,
to a lady's face, thatthat
MISS SPIFF. Stuff and nonsense. Is it damaged or is it not? Come!
out with it. Yes, or no?
TALBOT. Well, if you put it in that way, it is damaged.
MISS SPIFF. Not the sort of goods that one can get off one's hands
every day of the week?
TALBOT. Oh, I don't say that. I can quite understand, for instance,
that a snug, elderly gentleman, with a comfortable independence,
would
MISS SPIFF [abruptly]. Will you have me?
TALBOT [taken aback]. God bless me, no!
MISS SPIFF. Of course you wouldn't, and you're right. I wouldn't if
I was you. Well, I've had a bid from that ridiculous young man. I
knocked myself down to him and he fled.
FOGGERTY [on the sofa, feebly]. In all cases of dispute the goods to
be put up again and knocked down to the highest bidder.
MISS SPIFF. But there ain't any dispute. Here it isblack and
white. [Producing document.] "I, Frederick Foggerty, agree to marry
you, Delia Spiff," and so on. I had it stamped. Business.
FOGGERTY. Jenny, once more, save me from this catastrophe! After
all, you are rich, and it's a mere question of compensation!
JENNY. Away, sir! I regard you with horror! You have deceived a
trusting young heart!
MISS SPIFF. And a suspicious old one!
AUNT BOGLE. Go, viper! We expected something of this sort.
TALBOT. But
MISS SPIFF. Come to the altarcome to joy. [Collaring FOGGERTY.]
TALBOT. This is most exasperatingon a festive occasion! Confound
you, why didn't you turn up before, ma'am? That weddingdress wasn't
made under twenty pounds, and it's wasted! Then there's the breakfast,
and the carriages, and a new pair of trousers bought expressly for the
occasion!
MISS SPIFF. Don't distress yourself. I'll take them off your hands.
TALBOT. They're not on my handsthey're on my legs, and I won't
have them taken off on any account!
MISS SPIFF [to FOGGERTY]. Now, sir, are you ready?
FOGGERTY. Talbot, won't you say a word for me? Uncle Fogle, Aunt
Bogle, Lottie, Tottie, Walker, Balker?
[All turn from him.
UNCLE FOGLE. Not a word, sir. We felt sure of this all along, but,
from motives of delicacy, we didn't say so. We confined ourselves to
thinking it.
LOTTIE. We consider that Jenny had had a most fortunate escape.
TOTTIE. And we hope it will be a lesson to you for the future.
FOGGERTY. It's all over. I'm lost! Lead me away!
MISS SPIFF. Come to joy!
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY 14
Page No 17
FOGGERTY. Stop! The draught! Rebecca's draught! I forgot that!
Matters couldn't look worse than they are. It's a desperate remedy,
but it's my only way out of it! [Staggers.] Oh! oh! Help! I'm
fainting!
JENNY. Gracious, he's fainting.
[They wheel the sofa. JENNY rushes to him and supports
him; he struggles to loosen his collar.]
MISS SPIFF. Fainting? here's a pin. Prick him.
JENNY [to MISS SPIFF]. You brute! The eaudecologne quick!
FOGGERTY. My tie, undo it! My waistcoat! Give me air! give me water!
Quick! quick! Waterwaterwater! [Gasping, and kicking violently, on
the sofa.]
JENNY [in great distress]. Oh, give him watergive him water,
somebody!
[WALKINSHAW has poured out a glass of water and handed
it to him. Slow music to end of act.]
FOGGERTY [rising and deliberately pouring the contents of the phial
into the glass of water]. Ladies and gentlemen, I deliberately wish
that my acquaintance with Miss Spiff, and all its consequences, may
henceforward be blotted out of my existence!
[They all fall back in astonishment as FOGGERTY drinks.
He falls insensible on the sofa. All group round him as
he falls. Picture.]
ACT II.
SCENE.A handsomely furnished back drawingroom in Harley Street. A
weddingbouquet on table. FOGGERTY is discovered asleep on a sofa.
Enter FAIRY REBECCA through trap in stage.
REBECCA [looking at FOGGERTY]. Well, it's about time to wake him.
Poor fellow, he little thinks how materially his acquaintance with
Miss Spiff has affected his subsequent adventures! Now that he has
obliterated her and all the complicated consequences that came of his
having known her, he won't know whether he's on his head or his heels.
I'm really rather sorry for him. However, I mustn't allow sentiment to
interfere with duty. It's time to wake him, so here goes.
[Waves wand. FOGGERTY yawns, stretches himself and
wakes.]
FOGGERTY [half awake]. Hallo! I've been asleep. [Yawns.] Dreaming
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY
ACT II. 15
Page No 18
too! What queer things dreams are! I dreamt that a Fairy appeared to
me and gave me an ounce bottle, and told me that if I swallowed the
contents [Sees the phial in his hand.] Hallo! steady man,
steadypull yourself together! Why, as I am alive, here it is. The
very one. [Reads direction label.] "To obliterate a circumstance, take
two teaspoonfuls in a glass of water." Then it couldn't have been a
dream! I remember it all now. I was on the point of being married to
Jennyand Spiff turned upand I determined to blot out Spiffand I
suppose I have blotted her out [looking round]; at all events she
isn't here. [Sees REBECCA]. Hallo!
REBECCA. Hallo!
FOGGERTY. Well! here we are again!
REBECCA. Yes, here we are again.
FOGGERTY. So Spiff's blotted out?
REBECCA. Yes; Spiff's done with; no more Spiff.
FOGGERTY. No chance of her coming backeh?
REBECCA. None whatever. Your acquaintance with Spiff and all its
consequences are blotted out of your existence.
FOGGERTY. Come, that's something. But I don't know this room. Where
am I?
REBECCA. You're where you would have been if you'd never known
Spiff.
FOGGERTY. Of course I am; but where's that?
REBECCA. Can't tell, I'm sure.
FOGGERTY. Don't you know?
REBECCA. I don't say I don't know; I only say I can't tell.
FOGGERTY. Doesn't it occur to you that for a guardian spirit you
take a rather airy and, if I may so express myself, philosophical view
of your duties?
REBECCA. A guardian spirit? Oh, I'm not your guardian spirit now.
FOGGERTY. The deuce you're not?
REBECCA. Oh dear, no; that's all overwiped out with Spiff.
FOGGERTY. And why wiped out with Spiff?
REBECCA. You will recollect that I became your guardian spirit
because I was sorry to see a fine young man throw himself away upon
such an old scarecrow as Spiff.
FOGGERTY. Well?
REBECCA. But as you haven't thrown yourself away upon Spiff, the
occasion for my services hasn't arisen. You see you never knew Spiff.
FOGGERTY. Oh. May I ask if any other friends have been Spiffed out?
REBECCA. Once more, I'm not at liberty to say. [Going to trap.]
You'll excuse me, I'm sure.
FOGGERTY. But you're not going without giving me some clue to my
position?
REBECCA. I must; I can't help you, you must find it all out for
yourself. I'm due at a Transformation Scene to change a respectable
young plumber and a good plain cook into Harlequin and Columbine, and
the gas is a serious item. I'm sorry I can't be of any further service
to you; but, you see, I'm Spiffed out! Good morning. [On trap.] Go!
[She stamps her foot and disappears through trap.
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY
ACT II. 16
Page No 19
FOGGERTY [in bewilderment]. But, here, I say! I've no idea where I
am, or who I am, or how I'm here, or whose house this is, and how I
came into itor, for that matter, whose trousers these are, and how I
came into them! What am I to do? I can't go about asking people if
they'll kindly tell me who I am, or if they'll be so obliging as to
inform me where I live, or what I did yesterday, or what I've arranged
to do tomorrow; they'd take me for a lunatic! And Jenny, how about
Jenny? is she Spiffed out? No, no. I knew her long before I knew
Spiff. So that can't be. Now, let me see. I was on the point of being
married to Jenny when Spiff turned up and prevented the marriage. But
Spiff's obliterated. So, of course the marriage went on, and of course
I'm married to Jenny. Bytheby, I wonder if I've been married to her
long? I hope not. When you're head over ears in love with a girl, as I
was with Jenny, it's disappointing to go to sleep and wake up and find
that you've been married to her ever so long, and got tired of her, as
I'll be bound I have of Jenny. [Finds a letter in his pocket.] Hallo!
Here's a letter. It's addressed to meand opened! Now, who the deuce
has dared to open letters addressed to me? Oh! I suppose I did. I
don't recollect doing it, but that doesn't seem to signify. [Reads.]
"Dearest, take heart." Hallo! this is not Jenny's hand! [Resumes.]
"Dearest, take heart. Situated as we are towards one another, I do not
think it would be quite prudent in me to call upon you." No, I should
think not! "Nevertheless, in the course of tomorrow, I hope to be in
a position to remove, for ever, the crushing load of anxiety under
which you have so long laboured." That's all! No signature. Humph! It
seems that I'm infernally anxious about something; it would be
convenient to know what it is. I'll ask Jenny. But, stop a moment,
perhaps Jenny doesn't know of this letter. Now, I wonder if she knows
of it. I'll be bound she doesn't know of it. There's something about
this letter I don't know whatbut somethingthat suggests that in
all probability I shouldn't have shown it to her. Humph! I am
extremely sorry to say that, notwithstanding the strictness of my
principles, circumstances seem to point to the fact that I've been
going it.
[Enter LOTTIE and TOTTIE in the bonnets and dresses
they wore in Act I.]
LOTTIE. Oh, Mr. Foggerty!
FOGGERTY. Lottie! Tottie! I'm delighted to see you. I'm delighted to
find that you're not Spiffed out.
TOTTIE. Not Spiffed out? Oh, but we flatter ourselves that we are
spiffed out; at all events, we've got our best dresses on.
LOTTIE. I should think so; on this day of all others.
FOGGERTY. Of course; but I didn't mean that. Never mind. [Aside.]
Now, by a judicious course of pumping, I shall find out exactly how
I'm situated. [Aloud.] Well, what is it?
TOTTIE. A lady has sent this up [giving card], and says she must see
you at once.
FOGGERTY [looking at card]. Malvina de Vere! I don't know Malvina de
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY
ACT II. 17
Page No 20
Vere.
LOTTIE. Oh, that's nonsense. She says you are her dearest friend.
FOGGERTY. Oh, absurd!
LOTTIE. Well, that's what she says.
FOGGERTY. The deuce she does! [Aside.] Now, this must be some one
whom I should have known, if I hadn't known Spiff some one, in fact,
who's been Spiffed out. This is awkward. I wonder if Jenny knows of
this? [Aloud.] Bytheby, where is Jenny?
LOTTIE. Jenny? Oh, she's upstairs, poor girl.
FOGGERTY [aside]. "Poor girl?" Why "poor girl," I wonder? [Aloud.]
Ah, poor girl! How is she by this time?
TOTTIE. Oh, pretty well.
FOGGERTY. Pretty well? Not very well?
TOTTIE. Why, you can hardly expect her to be very well, on this day
of all others.
FOGGERTY. Naturally. [Aside.] I wonder what day of all others this
is?
LOTTIE. But still she is as well as can be expected.
FOGGERTY. As well as [Aside.] I see where I am now. I've been
married some time, andI wonder if it's a boy or a girl! It would be
ridiculous to ask. I'll go and see her. [Going.]
TOTTIE. Where are you going?
FOGGERTY. Going? Why, to see Jenny, of course.
TOTTIE. Oh, you can't possibly see her, she's dressing.
FOGGERTY. Well, what of that?
LOTTIE. Upon my word, Mr. Foggerty.
TOTTIE. You can't go up to her; you must really wait till she comes
down.
FOGGERTY. Oh, she is well enough to come down, is she?
LOTTIE. What a question; and on this day of all others! Of course
she is.
FOGGERTY. Exactly; on this day of all others. [Aside.] What does she
means by "this day of all others"?
TOTTIE. It's a day I never expected to see.
FOGGERTY. Didn't you? Bless me, I knew all about it from the first.
LOTTIE. When one thinks of all the circumstances of the case, one
sees how true it is that truth is stranger than fiction.
TOTTIE. Oh, what a novel it would make! Only think. The young and
penniless apothecary who had never known what love was
LOTTIE. The wholesale cheesemonger's daughter
TOTTIE. Their meetingthe dawn of love in the apothecary's heart
LOTTIE. The opposition of the cruel and mercenary parent
TOTTIE. Her determination to wed the apothecary at all hazards
LOTTIE. Everything at a dead lock! Then the discovery of the pill
TOTTIE. At midnight
LOTTIE. Its sudden renown
TOTTIE. The pill in everybody's mouth
LOTTIE. Stupendous fortune realized by the inventor in no time. All
opposition removed, and they're to be married to day!
FOGGERTY [who has been looking from one to the other in bewildered
wonderment during this dialogue]. Today!
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY
ACT II. 18
Page No 21
LOTTIE. Of course! The successful young apothecary and the
cheesemonger's lovely daughter are to be united today.
FOGGERTY [aside]. Today! [Aloud.] But I thought you said she was as
well as could be expected?
LOTTIE. Well, so I did, and so she is.
TOTTIE. Bless the man, she's nervous and excited, of course, but
she's not too ill to be married.
LOTTIE. I should think not, indeed; one must be bad for that!
[Exeunt LOTTIE and TOTTIE, laughing.
FOGGERTY. Then I'm not married after all, and, what's more, I'm to
be married today! Why, of course, here's the weddingbouquet! I see
it all now. I've invented a pill, the pill's takenI'm a man of
fortuneand the wedding is to take place from my house. Why, with a
little tacta little judicious pumpinghow easy it all is.
Bytheby, I wonder where I live? [Looks out of window.] Harley
Street! Of course it's Harley Street. A man who invents a successful
pill always does live in Harley Street! But this ladymy dearest
friend on earth. That's awkwardon one's wedding day. I can't
imagine anything more awkwardon one's wedding day. Does Jenny know
of this? I'll be bound Jenny does not know of this. There's something
about this lady's methodI don't know whatthat convinces me that I
shouldn't have told Jenny anything about her. Foggerty, my boy, I'm
extremely sorry to say that circumstances point to the fact that
you've been going it!
[Enter MALVINA DE VERE. She is a tall, stately lady of
middle age and tragical demeanour. She stands at the
door for a momentgazes at him melodramaticallythen
rushes to his arms.]
MALVINA. Frederick! At last! at last! [Gazes at him fondly.]
FOGGERTY [aside.] She's a bosom friend no doubt about that!
[Aloud, and much embarrassed.] Iahave much pleasure in
MALVINA. Don't speak, not yet [gazing at him], not yet, I entreat
you! Let me drink you in!
FOGGERTY. Certainly. Be so obliging as to say when you've had
enough.
MALVINA. ThereI'm satisfied.
FOGGERTY [aside]. I wish I was.
MALVINA. Now speak to me! Oh! my love! My tender, tender love! Speak
to me as you used to speak to mecall me by the name by which you
used to call me!
FOGGERTY. Really [Aside.] By George, I have been going it!
MALVINA. The old, old namethe pet name of so many happy
memoriesoh, call me by it, call me by it!
FOGGERTY. Certainly; I [refers to visiting card] I believe I have
theapleasure of addressing Miss de Vere?
MALVINA. Miss de Vere! [Drawing herself back in great surprise.]
Miss de Vere? Why, what means this? Why this extraordinary coolness,
why this chilling formalityand on this day of all others?
FOGGERTY. I beg your pardon, but you took me so completely by
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY
ACT II. 19
Page No 22
surprise.
MALVINA. By surprise? Have you forgotten my note, and your reply to
it? Read it, sir, read it. [Gives him a note.]
FOGGERTY. With very great pleasure. [Aside.] Now I shall find out
that infernal pet name. [Reads.] "My own." That's all. [Disappointed.]
I hate a fellow who calls a girl "his own." [Reads.] "I recognize the
propriety of your scruples in the particularly delicate relation in
which we stand towards each other. But I implore you to come and see
me to morrow morning, nevertheless." There, you see it says "to
morrow morning."
MALVINA. This is tomorrow morning.
FOGGERTY. Nonsense, that can't be, that's ridiculous. [Refers to
note.] Oh, I see, it was dated yesterday.
MALVINA. And now, sir, before I proceed to that extreme measure to
which I have been unhappily so frequently compelled to resort, perhaps
you will be so good as to explain and satisfactorily account for the
extraordinary coldness of your reception.
FOGGERTY. My coldness? Oh, that was my scrupulous regard for the
respect due to you in the particularly delicate relation in which we
stand to one another.
MALVINA. It was?
FOGGERTY. It was. Miss de Vere, I find it hard, very hard to
continue this assumption of indifference to you; but I am proudI am
proud to say, that my better man is triumphant.
MALVINA. I see! I understand it all!
FOGGERTY [aside]. Then, by George, you've the advantage of me!
MALVINA. You will forgive the undeserved reproaches with which in my
jealous madness I dared to assail you?
FOGGERTY. Say no more about themthey are pardoned.
MALVINA. Why, what a mad fool was I!
FOGGERTY. You wereI mean nonot at all. [Aside.] I wish she'd go.
MALVINA. But I have been so often the victim of heartless and
systematic treachery!
FOGGERTY. Have you?
MALVINA. Why, you know I have.
FOGGERTY. So I doof courseI know you have! Poor girl, poor girl!
When I think of your sad story
MALVINA. Ah! it is a sad story!
FOGGERTY. I know it is. [Aside.] That's a sad story! [Aloud.] But,
bless me, it's eleven o'clock, and I've a most important engagement in
half an hour, and I'm not dressed. Will you excuse me?
MALVINA. Oh, by all means.
FOGGERTY. I suppose my dressingroom's upstairs?
MALVINA. Really, Mr. Foggerty, I don't know where your dressingroom
is!
FOGGERTY. No, of course not. How should you?
MALVINA. Exactly. How should I? But won't you say farewell to me
before you go?
FOGGERTY. With great pleasure. But, at the same time, in accordance
with the pledge contained in that letter, I must firmly resist the
temptation to address you by that old pet name of happy memories,
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY
ACT II. 20
Page No 23
until the relations between us have become more indelicatethat is to
say, less delicate than they are.
MALVINA. It is nobly spoken; it is like your heroic self. But you
are anxious, are you not? You do burn with a feverish anxiety to hear
the word that is to be spoken this afternoon?
FOGGERTY. Miss de Vere, I assure you, on the honour of a Lancashire
Foggerty, that I am tormented with a fidgety anxiety on an infinite
number of topics, and on that among others! Good morning.
[Exit.
MALVINA. He is gone! How strange and incoherent his manner how
wild and flighty his eye! Oh, mercy on me! can it be that he, too, is
false to me? Can it be that I shall be once more driven to resort to
the last and hated means of vindicating my rights? No, noI'll not
believe itand yet [Sees breakfast in back room.] Why, what is
this? By the God of Treachery it is a weddingfeast! Whose? Oh,
impossible! and yet, his strange embarrassmenthis evasive
hesitation! Oh, miseryoh, misery, if it should be! Why, what a
cursed thing am I! What have I done that this blight should fall on me
wherever I go? Why does Infidelity dog my path, while the serpent
Treachery lifts his head on high and hisses forth a loud ha! ha! Oh,
ye Fatehags three; soul torturers, my defiance to ye all! The fight
is betwixt ye and me, and I am not made of the stuff that yields.
[Enter JENNY in weddingdress, as in Act I.]
JENNY. There, I think I look lovely! [Sees MALVINA.] A lady!
MALVINA [aside, with emotion]. It is the bride! Down, down, my
heart! [Aloud.] Fear not, pretty one; I am but Malvina de Verea very
sorrowful lady.
JENNY. I am sorry you are sorrowful.
MALVINA [with an effort]. And youyou are the bride in whose honour
these festive preparations have been made?
JENNY [sighing]. Yes, I'm to be married today. How do you like my
dress?
MALVINA. It is very wellit is very well. [Aside.] How my heart
throbs! Down, little one; I must appear calm, and I cannot do so while
you beat so rapidly. [Aloud.] Youyou are about to be married to Mr.
Foggerty?
JENNY. To Mr. Foggerty? Oh dear, no! What could have put such an
idea into your head?
MALVINA. You are not going to marry Mr. Foggerty?
JENNY. Assuredly not! He is my husband's best man!
MALVINA [relieved]. It is wellit is very well! [Aside.] Little
heart, you hear?
JENNY. You seem agitated! Can I offer you anything?
MALVINA. I am agitated, young bride. II can never gaze upon a
wedding garb without remembering that I, who am a simple maiden still,
might, but for man's perfidy, have been, ere this, a grandmamma.
JENNY. Have they been deceiving you?
MALVINA. Deceiving me? Eighteen times have I stood dauntlessly at
matrimony's verge. Eighteen times my coward victimthat is to say, my
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY
ACT II. 21
Page No 24
betrothedhas quailed and fled! He, man in name, blanched at the very
danger that I courted.
JENNY. That's so like them! And you, what did you do?
MALVINA. I took the only course that open to me lay. Eighteen times
I offered up my bleeding heart a sacrifice at Themis' sympathetic
shrine. Eighteen times did I lay bare its holiest workings, and call
on all to come and gaze upon its palpitating pulp. And in each case I
recovered substantial damages.
JENNY. You did nobly! And the nineteenth?
MALVINA. His fate is yet uncertain. For many months have I lost
sight of him. Yet have I heard within the last few weeks that he is
also false and seeks another bride.
JENNY. Oh, poor lady!
MALVINA. It matters littlethere's a twentieth in the field, whose
exquisitively sensitive regard for my most difficult and delicate
position falls scarcely short of the phenomenal; but, ere I yield me
to his ardent prayers, I must in honour satisfy myself that my
nineteenth is false. This afternoon the problem will be solved.
JENNY. My heart bleeds for you, sad and gentle lady. But whither go
you now?
MALVINA. I scarce can say! To wander up and down and to and fro,
restless as a caged panther in his den, until the doublebarrelled
news is brought that I am free to love and bring my action!
JENNY. Nay, but I'll not consign you to the mercies of the
inhospitable street. This is my house, or shortly will be so; pray
rest you here, and when the solemn ceremony is over, we pray you join
our merrymaking, and in the wild delirium of the breakfast forget the
harrowing trouble at your heart.
MALVINA. I thank you, maiden, for your sympathy. I'll not refuse the
shelter that you proffer.
JENNY. You'll find my boudoir on the twopairback. So, for the
nonce, farewell! May justice pour her balm upon your heart!
MALVINA. She has, my dear, in every other case, and, doubtless, will
in this. Once more, farewell.
[Exit.
JENNY [looking after her]. Poor lady, with what a touching dignity
she bears her many disappointments! Her sad, sad tale touches me to
the heart, for I, too, have loved, but vainly. Oh, how I loved him
and he knew it not! But there I may not think of him henceforth I
may think only of my Theodore!
[Enter WALKINSHAW.]
WALKINSHAW. Jenny! my own! at lastat last my own!
JENNY. Oh, Theodoreindifferent to me in all else, but interesting
to me inasmuch as I am the only woman who ever kindled the fire of
love within your heart, be true to me, be true to me!
WALKINSHAW. Be true to you? While life lasts!
JENNY, And do you love me?
WALKINSHAW. Love you? Haven't I settled the pill upon you?
JENNY. Yes, yes; you have been most generous. I am the only one; am
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY
ACT II. 22
Page No 25
I not?
WALKINSHAW. The only one, in truth.
JENNY. And you have never known the throb of love?
WALKINSHAW. Until you taught it me!
JENNY. It is something; nay, it is much. For you, my Theodore, I
have no love, nor have I ever told you that I had; but I esteem you,
Theodore, I respect you.
WALKINSHAW. Oh, rapture! But you are sad.
JENNY. Oh, Theodore, a lady has been here, such a sad, sad lady! so
tearful yet so calmso calm and yet so woebegone so woebegone and
yet so dignified! Eighteen times has that poor lady been thrown over.
WALKINSHAW. Thrown over where?
JENNY. And even now she has reason to believe that the nineteenth is
trifling with her feelings!
WALKINSHAW [in great terror]. Bless my soul. What's her name?
JENNY. Her very name is Poetry and Soul!
WALKINSHAW Oh, then, I don't know her. [Much relieved.] It sounds
like a firm.
JENNY. She is called Malvina de Vere.
WALKINSHAW [horrified aside]. It's she. If she finds me at home,
she'll find me out. I'm ruined. [Aloud.] Where is she?
JENNY. Sobbing her heart out in the twopairback.
WALKINSHAW. In my house?
JENNY. In yours and mine. Poor tortured soul; she waits a wire from
her solicitor.
WALKINSHAW [much agitated]. Jenny, II have heard of this lady.
Sheshe is not altogether worthy of your sympathy
JENNY. What!!! How dare you, sir!
WALKINSHAW. Sheshe lives on actions for breach. She engages
herself to an unsuspecting young manmakes herself intentionally
unpleasant. Her lover can't stand her, and breaks it offand she
immediately brings an action.
JENNY. Oh, shame on you to dare in my presencein the presence of
your wife that is to beto palliate the conduct of a wretch who makes
unpleasantness a ground for violating the troth that he has plighted!
Oh, shame upon youshame upon you!
WALKINSHAW. But, Jenny, I
[Enter FOGGERTY dressed for wedding, and sticking
flower in buttonhole.]
FOGGERTY. Therethat's very nice. It's wonderful how a judiciously
applied vegetable sets a man off. That'll do, I think. Now if I can
only find some one who will give me a clue to [Sees WALKINSHAW].
Walkinshaw my boy, you here!
WALKINSHAW. Certainly I am.
FOGGERTY. The very last man I expected to see, I give you my
unadulterated word of honour! [Shaking hands enthusiastically.]
WALKINSHAW. The last man?
FOGGERTY. The very last, I assure you. I'm more delighted than I can
tell you!
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY
ACT II. 23
Page No 26
WALKINSHAW. Why? It's hardly likely that I should be absent on this
day of all others!
FOGGERTY. Well, it's very friendly of you to say so. I won't forget
it, Walkinshaw, depend upon it. Will you take anything? Do! Make
yourself at home, you know. This is Liberty Hall. [Sees JENNY.] Jenny!
at last! my own Jenny! Why, how superb you look, and to think that in
half an hour [Kisses her.]
JENNY [surprised]. Mr. Foggerty!
FOGGERTY. And now, tell me how you've been all this time and what
you've been doingand, in short, tell me all about it.
JENNY. All about what? [He kisses her.] Don't!
FOGGERTY. But I mustI'm so happy, so overpoweringly and
stupendously happy! [Kisses her againshe rises offended.]
WALKINSHAW [aside]. I wish Jenny wouldn't let Foggerty kiss her so
much; of course it's all right, because they've known each other as
children; but still I wish he wouldn't do it! She doesn't let me, and
I don't see why she should let him.
[FOGGERTY, who has been paying attention to JENNY
during this, attempts to kiss her.]
JENNY. Mr. Foggerty, you mustn't really. I'm astonished at you!
WALKINSHAW. He's overdoing it; upon my soul he is!
FOGGERTY. Pooh, pooh! nonsense; on this day of all others. [Kisses
her again.]
WALKINSHAW [aside]. I can't stand this. [Aloud.] I say, Foggerty, of
course it's all right. I know how you and Jenny are situatedbut
still I thinkI think, on this day of all others
FOGGERTY [surprised]. What do you mean?
WALKINSHAW. There's too much of it, my boy. I'd leave off if I were
youI would, indeed!
FOGGERTY. No, you wouldn't, Walkinshaw, you jealous dog! [Aside.]
Poor devil, he hasn't got over his attachment to her yet, and it is
rather rough on him.
WALKINSHAW. Kissing her under my very nose
FOGGERTY. Not under your very noseunder her very nose. Ha! ha!
But, don't distress yourself, it shan't occur again.
WALKINSHAW. You're overdoing it, my boy.
FOGGERTY. Well, perhaps I am.
WALKINSHAW. I'm sure you are.
FOGGERTY. I agree with youit's not delicate.
WALKINSHAW. It's dd indelicate.
FOGGERTY. Yes, on this day of all others!
WALKINSHAW. Exactly; on this day of all others!
FOGGERTY. Then say no more about it. Take one yourself.
WALKINSHAW. Oh, we're in no hurry; we can wait.
JENNY [sighing]. Ah, yes, we can wait!
FOGGERTY. The deuce you can?
WALKINSHAW. Yes; you see we've plenty of time before us.
JENNY [sighing]. Plenty!
FOGGERTY [aside]. Plenty of time before them? Now, what do they mean
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY
ACT II. 24
Page No 27
by that?
WALKINSHAW. Well, it's about time we were off. Let's see, are we all
here? there's Uncle Fogle and Aunt Bogle for the first carriage, and
Lottie and Tottie, and Walker and Balker, and your papa and my mamma
and yes, we're quite complete. I'll get them all packed off, and
then come back for you.
[Exit WALKINSHAW.
FOGGERTY. Jenny, I don't like Walkinshaw's manner.
JENNY. His manner is unfortunate, but you mustn't be too hard on
him; he's nervous and agitated.
FOGGERTY. I can understand that; but still I don't like it, Jenny, I
don't like it.
JENNY. Oh, you must make allowance for him, and on this day of all
others.
FOGGERTY. Well, poor devil, I suppose he's more to be pitied than
blamed.
JENNY. Pitied! Well, I'm sure.
FOGGERTY. Yes, pitied. Now, Jenny, it's no use affecting surprise. I
can see as far through a millstone as most people, and, mark my words,
that man's in love with you!
JENNY. Of course he is!
FOGGERTY. Oh, you've noticed it?
JENNY [surprised]. Noticed it? Why, of course I've noticed it!
FOGGERTY. Then I say he's very much to be pitiedhe has a dismal
prospect before him.
JENNY. Upon my word, Mr. Foggerty!
FOGGERTY. Life a blank, every hope crushed, every fond illusion
wiped out, nothing before him but a melancholy prime, a blighted
sereandyellow, and a solitary and desolate old age. Poor Walkinshaw!
JENNY. How dare you say these things to me?
FOGGERTY. Eh?
JENNY. I say how dare you? From this moment I devote myself, heart
and soul, to his happiness; it shall be my only care, my only thought!
FOGGERTY. The devil you will!
JENNY. I will, I swear it! It will be my duty, and my duty I will
do!
FOGGERTY. It seems to me that you take an exceedingly comprehensive
view of your duty! Look here, Jenny; let's understand one another.
[Sits by her, puts his arm round her waist.] I know you're as good a
girl as ever stepped. Still
JENNY. FrederickMr. Foggertyyou mustn't!
FOGGERTY. Mustn't what?
JENNY. Put your arm round my waist.
FOGGERTY. Well, it is round your waist.
JENNY [struggling]. But I say you mustn't.
FOGGERTY. Why not? Walkinshaw can't see.
JENNY. That has nothing to do with it. I won't allow it, because
it's not righton this day of all others!
FOGGERTY. Indeed? I should have thought if ever there was a day on
which I might be permitted to take such an innocent freedom, this day
of all others is the day.
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY
ACT II. 25
Page No 28
JENNY [crying]. How dare you say such things to me! It is most
unkind to me, and most unfair to your friend.
FOGGERTY. My friend? Oh, Walkinshaw! I tell you he can't see.
JENNY. I don't care, it's most unfair to him.
FOGGERTY. It seems to me you've a remarkably tender regard for
Walkinshaw's feelings!
JENNY. Certainly I have. As you know, I don't pretend that I love
him.
FOGGERTY. Well, I should hope not!
JENNY. I mean as a wife is expected to love her husband.
FOGGERTY. Yes, that's what I mean!
JENNY. Yet I have a sincere regard for him, and, be assured of this,
I shall always respect his privileges.
FOGGERTY. Upon my word, ma'am, situated as I am
JENNY. Yes, I know, you were my childhood's friend; but that only
makes it all the more dreadful, and sincerely as I esteem you, I must
tell you at once that if ever you presume to attempt the slightest,
very slightest, familiarity with me, except in Mr. Walkinshaw's
presence, I shall give directions that you are never to be admitted
into the house again!
FOGGERTY [utterly aghast]. But, Jenny, listen for one moment.
JENNY. It's useless, Frederick. It's best to begin as we mean to go
on.
FOGGERTY. Oh! Don't you think you'd better marry Walkinshaw at once?
JENNY. Yes, we shall be too late if we don't start very soon.
FOGGERTY [furious]. I say, don't you think you'd better marry
WalkinshawWalkinshawat once?
JENNY. I say yes, I do. I can't imagine what's detaining him.
FOGGERTY [bewildered]. Jenny! Jenny! [Suddenly.] Great Heavens!
[Springs horrified to his feet.]
JENNY. What's the matter? You are illsome waterquick quick.
FOGGERTY [gasping]. Jennyattend to me! Am I to understand that you
are reallygoingtomarry Walkinshaw?
[During this she has loosened his necktie, and dabbed a
wet handkerchief on his temples, as he leans tottering
against a table.]
JENNY. How can you ask such a ridiculous question?
FOGGERTY. No, but are you? Answer me, yes or no. Are you?
JENNY. Am I? You know I am.
FOGGERTY. You are? [Overpowered.]
JENNY. Of course; don't be absurd.
FOGGERTY [wildly]. But don't marry him! For Heaven's sake don't
marry him! Jenny, you shan't, you can't! I won't stand by and see it
done! Oh, Jenny, Jenny, whom I love so deeply! [Sobbing.]
JENNY. Mr. Foggerty, you amaze me!
FOGGERTY [surprised]. Amaze you? Why, you know I love you!
JENNY. I? Indeed, I know nothing of the kind!
FOGGERTY. Why, I've told you over and over again!
JENNY. You have told me so? Never!
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY
ACT II. 26
Page No 29
FOGGERTY. How can you say that? Didn't I propose, and didn't you
accept me, and weren't we engaged, andstop. No, no. [Aside.] I'm
mixing it all up again!
JENNY [in blank astonishment]. Oh, you must have dreamt all this!
FOGGERTY. Exactly, that's it. I must have dreamt it. But did I never
tell you that I loved you?
JENNY [weeping]. Oh no, no, no. Why didn't you? Why didn't you?
FOGGERTY. I don't know. II suppose I forgot to mention it.
JENNY [wildly]. Oh, if I had only knownif I had only known!
FOGGERTY [excitedly]. Thenyou loved me?
JENNY [horrified]. What have I said?
FOGGERTY. You did! You do! You can't deny it! You shan't deny it!
You loved me, madly, passionatelyhow could you help it?
JENNY. Frederickin mercy spare me! It is cruel, cruel to say such
things to me, just as I am on the point of marrying another man!
FOGGERTY. But don't marry another man! He's unworthy of youI'm
not! I love you desperatelyhe doesn't! I'll do so all my lifehe
won't! He can live without youI can't! I shall go mad if you don't
have mehe shan't! Tell Walkinshaw to go and hang himselfhe won't
mindhe's a goodnatured fellow, and he'll do it, if you say it's for
me.
JENNY. Impossible! I could not tell him to go and do that. Oh, it is
too latetoo late! Oh, Frederick, why, why didn't you tell me this
before?
FOGGERTY [wildly]. I don't know! there's my difficulty! Situated as
I am, it's impossible to say. I thought I had. But it seems I hadn't.
No doubt there's a reason for it if one only knew what it wasbut one
don't! I hope I'm clear?
JENNY [drying her eyes]. Not very, but any way it is too late now.
The clergyman is at this moment waiting impatiently to unite me to
Theodore Walkinshaw. I regard him with a wondering respect as one
whose heart had never throbbed with love until I taught it to. But
love him? No! I do not love him! After what you have elicited from me
it would be worse than affectation to deny that my heart has long been
yours, and, but for your unaccountable silence, we might have been
happy. As it is, Frederick, we must never, never meet again. I embark
on my married life with a bruised and broken heart. Farewell, for
ever!
[Exit JENNY.
FOGGERTY [wildly]. Jenny, Jenny, come back! Gone, gone from me for
ever! To be knitted to Walkinshaw; and the poor child is fond of me,
has been for years, ever since we were children! What was I about not
to have seen it? Why didn't I tell her I adored her? That's just where
it is! I don't know! I haven't the ghost of an idea! I see it all now!
If I had never known Spiff, I should never have bolted from her to
Jennynever have interfered with Walkinshaw, whose courtship would
have gone on swimmingly, and culminated in matrimony, as it's going to
do today. And all this heart breaking misery, this preposterous
coupling of illassorted souls, this whirling chaos of discordant
sympathies, is the consequence of the illomened matrimonial
arrangements of Colonel Culpepper's favourite dog's father!
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY
ACT II. 27
Page No 30
[Throws himself on sofa, and buries his head in pillow.
[Enter WALKINSHAW and OLD TALBOT.]
TALBOT. Come, come, are we all ready? Then let's be off. Where's
Foggerty?
WALKINSHAW. Foggerty? Oh, here he is, on the sofa.
TALBOT. What's the matter with him! Isn't he well?
WALKINSHAW [aside to TALBOT]. Well, the fact is, I lost my temper
with him just now, and it's upset him, but I'll make it all right.
[Goes to him.] Foggerty, my boy, come, come, cheer up, I didn't mean
to speak unkindly to you; but really
FOGGERTY [without turning round]. Oh, go, sir, go!
WALKINSHAW. Come, come, be reasonable, if you caught a fellow
kissing the girl you lovedwhat would you do?
FOGGERTY [wildly]. What would I do? Shall I show you what I would
do? I'd fly at him. Thus! [Flying at WALKINSHAW.] I'd shake himthus!
[Shaking him violently, and driving him down to proscenium.] I'd
throttle himthus! [Knocks him about wildly, WALKINSHAW quite limp
and helpless in his hands.] I'd say, "Give her back to me you traitor!
You doubledyed villain! You slayer of hopes! You assassin of hearts!"
There! [Flinging him violently on the stage.] That's what I'd do!
WALKINSHAW [all of a heap and breathless on the floor, and much
disordered in dress]. I see, thank you! II think you would be
justified.
TALBOT. Dear! dear! [Helping WALKINSHAW up, and re arranging his
hair and cravat.] Foggerty, this is not pretty behaviour towards a
bridegroom on his weddingday!
FOGGERTY. Pretty behaviour! And you, infamous old traitor. Would you
like to see what I would do to a scheming father who first gives me
his daughter and then hands her over to somebody else? [Shaking him
violently.]
TALBOT [bewildered]. It would be interesting, of course. Perhaps if
you illustrated on Walkinshaw I should see it better than if you did
it to me.
[All three with their costumes and hair very much
disarranged.]
FOGGERTY. Walkinshaw! After all I have done for him, to rob me of
the only girl I ever loved!
TALBOT. You loved my girl?
WALKINSHAW. Did you love Jenny?
FOGGERTY [sarcastically]. Did I love Jenny? Do you think I should
have been engaged to her if I hadn't?
TALBOT. Engaged to her!
FOGGERTY. Engaged to her? Yes! Oh, I forgot; that's all been spiffed
out! I've been mixing again!
TALBOT. Upon my soul I think you have! And pretty freely too!
FOGGERTY. There, don't mind me; don't take any notice of what I say!
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY
ACT II. 28
Page No 31
Give me air, or I shall choke! [Staggers on to balcony.]
TALBOT and WALKINSHAW [together]. I say, doesn't it strike you
TALBOT. I beg your pardon
WALKINSHAW. I beg yours.
TALBOT. After you!
WALKINSHAW. Not at all!
TALBOT. I was going to say, doesn't it strike you that there's
something very incoherent in Foggerty's manner?
WALKINSHAW. The very thing I was going to say to you!
TALBOT. Mark my words; he's mad!
WALKINSHAW. Staring mad!
TALBOT. It's an awful thing!
WALKINSHAW. Appalling!
TALBOT. Glass of wine?
WALKINSHAW. With pleasure! [They take wine together.]
[Enter JENNY.]
JENNY. Stop!
TALBOT. But we can't be always stoppingwhat's the matter now?
JENNY. This weddingit must not take place!
TALBOT and WALKINSHAW [together]. Mustn't take place.
WALKINSHAW. Jenny, what in the world do you mean?
JENNY. Stand off, sir! Do not dare to approach me! I regard you with
contempt and loathing unutterable.
TALBOT and WALKINSHAW [together]. Jenny!
JENNY. Approach me not, I say! You have trifled with my most sacred
feelings! You have outraged my tenderest sensibilities. I regard you
as a snaky and systematic serpentand thusand thusI extricate
myself from your slimy toils. [Tears license.]
TALBOT. Oh, Jenny, Jenny, this is not pretty behaviour to your
husband on his weddingday!
JENNY. Pretty behaviour! Do you know that man?
TALBOT. Know him? Yes, very well!
JENNY. You know his smooth and plausible outsidebut his insidedo
you know that?
TALBOT. Really, my dear, I'm not his medical attendant; but what has
he done?
JENNY. Unhinged and unstrung by the prospects of the approaching
ceremony, I sought just now the congenial sympathy of the sad, sad
lady on the second floor. As I approached her room I saw the door
ajarshe was in close communion with her solicitor. [WALKINSHAW much
agitated.] I heard his voiceand thusand thus he spoke: "Console
yourself, oh, sad, sad lady, for we have evidence that Walkinshawthe
fickle, fluttering, faithless Walkinshawis on the eve of marriage to
another!" It was enoughtoo much I cared to hear no more!
TALBOT. Dear me, Walkinshaw, I am surprised at you!
WALKINSHAW. But, Jenny, hear me.
JENNY. I will hear nothing. It is enough for me that you have loved.
Henceforward to me you are as one that is dead! You are an obliterated
postagestampnot the less obliterated because the die has been
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY
ACT II. 29
Page No 32
wielded by an unworthy hand. Happily, Truth, Honour, Rectitude,
Morality, Propriety, Benevolence, Veneration, and First Love are on
the Balcony. They meet in Frederick, and to him I confide my heart!
[FOGGERTY enters from balcony.]
FOGGERTY. Jenny! I was sure you would! I was sure that when you came
to think it over you couldn't help it. But, Walkinshaw?
JENNY. He is dead.
FOGGERTY. That's very sudden.
JENNY. He is dead to me. He live to drag on a miserable existence,
as a depressed and degraded monster.
FOGGERTY. I'm shocked at you, Walkinshaw!
WALKINSHAW. Miss Talbot, I cannot struggle against your
determination. I know that when you say you will not marry me you mean
it!
FOGGERTY. She did last time.
TALBOT. Eh?
FOGGERTY. Oh, nothing, nothing.
WALKINSHAW. I have only to ask that in memory of what I once was to
you, you will keep my unhappy secret, and not subject me to the
hideous consequences of an exposure.
JENNY. Sir, you deserve no mercy; but I am merciful. Your shameful
secret is safe with me.
FOGGERTY. Walkinshaw, I'm at a loss for words in which to express
definitely my sense of your infamous conduct, because I am not at
present acquainted with the nature of your offence.
TALBOT. But, Jenny, you can't marry this manhe's mad! He can't
contract matrimonyit would be illegal!
JENNY. They say you are mad, my own! Is it because you have never
loved before?
FOGGERTY. Heed them not. They mistake the desponding utterings of a
crushed heart for the maniacal ravings of an unseated brain!
[UNCLE FOGLE and TALBOT both about to speak at once.]
TALBOT. I beg your pardon.
FOGLE. I beg yours.
TALBOT. Not at all.
FOGLE. Go on.
TALBOT. I was going to say that we must get a Commission to sit on
him.
FOGLE. Just what I was going to say.
TALBOT. It's a pitiable circumstance.
FOGLE. Horrible!
TALBOT. Deplorable!
FOGLE. Disastrous!
TALBOT. Glass of wine?
FOGLE. With pleasure. [They drink together.]
JENNY [coming down with FOGGERTY]. My own, own love! Mine, and only
mine! Oh, tell me again you, at least, have never loved before!
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY
ACT II. 30
Page No 33
FOGGERTY. Never! Often have I lain awake at night wondering what
manner of thing this love of which I had heard so much might be, and
now the sun has risen on my darkness, and all seems clear as summer
noon!
JENNY. My love! Oh, this is ecstasy!
[During this, TALBOT and WALKINSHAW and others, have
been warily approaching JENNY and FOGGERTY. TALBOT and
WALKER seize JENNY, while WALKINSHAW, UNCLE FOGLE, and
BALKER seize FOGGERTY. The lovers are torn asunder.]
FOGGERTY. Unhand me, villains!
JENNY. Frederick, my own! They are taking me from you!
FOGGERTY. Cowards! Thus and thus do I deal with ye!
[Throws them off. JENNY breaks from TALBOT. They rush
to one another, and embrace.]
JENNY. Who shall separate us now? I am my own mistress!
FOGGERTY. And mine!
[Enter MALVINA. JENNY rushes to her, and clings round
her neck. WALKINSHAW, seeing her, buries his head in a
newspaper to escape recognition.]
MALVINA. Frederick, rejoice with me! The news, the great and
glorious tidings, have arrived! My faithless lover is on the point of
marriage with another, and I am at last free to accept those
professions of affection with which for the last twelve months you
have so eloquently pleaded, for my hand!
[JENNY recoils in horror from her. Turns and looks at
FOGGERTY, then faints in TALBOT's arms. FOGGERTY stands
confused for a moment, then turns round, rushes wildly
to balcony at the back of the stage, and leaps out into
the street. The others rush after him to stop him, but
they are too late. MALVINA faints in the arms of
WALKINSHAW, whose head is still wrapped up in a
newspaper. Picture.]
ACT III.
SCENE.Parlour in WALKINSHAW's house, night. Lamps lit. The general
arrangement of the scene is the same as the scene of TALBOT's house in
Act I. WALKINSHAW and TALBOT discovered.
WALKINSHAW. This is a dismal night, to what was to have been a
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY
ACT III. 31
Page No 34
fellow's weddingday.
TALBOT. It might be more cheerful. But take heart, be sanguine.
Perhaps you and Jenny would not have got on. You're not a very nice
man, you know.
WALKINSHAW. No, I know I'm not, but it's rather hard that my having
been once engaged to Malvina de Vere should cause Jenny to break off
with me at the last moment. And for Foggerty, who has also fallen into
that middleaged harpy's toils.
TALBOT. Don't mind Foggerty. Jenny won't have him now. I have got
evidence that he is stark, staring mad, and, between ourselves, I have
applied for a Commission de lunatico to sit on him at once. I am going
to make the appointment now.
WALKINSHAW. Hadn't you better wait till he comes back?
TALBOT. Hasn't he come back?
WALKINSHAW. No, it's eight hours since he took his leap from the
balcony, and nobody has seen him since.
TALBOT. Dear me! I don't think he could have hurt himself seriously,
for I saw him flying down the street, ten miles an hour with Malvina
after him. [Looking out of window.] Here he is; he has jumped out of a
fourwheeler, which is tearing down the street at full speed. And
there is another fourwheeler tearing full speed after it. What can it
mean?
[Enter FOGGERTY exhausted. Dress muddy and disordered,
hair dishevelled. He throws himself into a chair,
breathless.]
FOGGERTY. At last! Safe at last.
WALKINSHAW. Why, where have you been?
FOGGERTY. Everywhere.
TALBOT. You seem rather out of breath.
FOGGERTY. I am, a little.
TALBOT. A glass of wine?
FOGGERTY. With pleasure. [Helps himself to a glass of sherry, and
drinks.]
WALKINSHAW. And where is Malvina?
FOGGERTY. I have given her the slip at last. When I left the house I
bolted up Harley Street. Malvina followed. I got into a cab; she got
into another. I said, "drive anywhere." He drove everywhere. I told
him to drive like the devil. He drove like the devil. So did Malvina.
Regent's Park, Primrose Hill, Kentish Town, Holloway, Ball's Pond,
Dalston, Hackney, Old Ford, Bow, Whitechapel, London Bridge,
Southwark. At Southwark my horse fainted; so did Malvina's. I jumped
outgot another cab. So did Malvina. Off again, Old Kent Road,
Peckham, Camberwell, Walworth, Kennington, Brixton, Clapham,
Battersea, Wandsworth. At Wandsworth my horse fainted. So did
Malvina's. Jumped out, but no cab to be found. Bolted, on foot,
followed by Malvina; ran through Putney, Barnes, Mortlake, Kew,
Chiswick, Turnham Green, Shepherd's Bush, Kensal Green, Malvina after
me. At Kensal Green I fainted; so did Malvina. Off again, through
Westbourne Park. At Westbourne Park I found a cab; so did Malvina. Off
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY
ACT III. 32
Page No 35
again; Maida Hill, Edgware Road, St. John's Wood, New Road, Harley
Street. As I passed the door, jumped out unobserved, and left my empty
cab tearing on ten miles an hour, and Malvina after it.
TALBOT. Aren't you tired after your stroll?
FOGGERTY. A little.
TALBOT. I am not surprised. Will you excuse me, I have a business
appointment. [Aside to WALKINSHAW.] Don't let him go; keep him here
till I return.
[Exit TALBOT.
WALKINSHAW. That is a very determined woman.
FOGGERTY. A woman of singular strength of character.
WALKINSHAW [anxiously]. Do you think there is any chance of her
coming here?
FOGGERTY. Not the remotest. [Knock heard.] There she is.
WALKINSHAW. Malvina here. She must not catch me. [Aloud.] Foggerty,
you'll keep my secretyou'll not betray me?
FOGGERTY. Not for worlds.
WALKINSHAW. A thousand thanks. I will never forget it. [Shakes his
hand and exits.]
FOGGERTY. I don't know what your secret is, but it's quite safe with
me. There she isit's no use, I can't go any further, fairly run to
earth! [Throws himself into chair to right of stage.]
[Enter MALVINA from left, breathless, and much tumbled.
She throws herself into a chair to left of stage.]
FOGGERTY. Good evening.
MALVINA. Good evening.
FOGGERTY. London is a large city.
MALVINA. Enormous.
FOGGERTY. Capital cabs, though.
MALVINA. Capital cabs.
FOGGERTY. Didn't I catch sight of you in Southwark this afternoon?
MALVINA. Quite possible.
FOGGERTY. I thought it was you.
MALVINA. It was. Going to marry me?
FOGGERTY. No.
MALVINA. Don't you love me?
FOGGERTY. Not that I am aware of.
MALVINA. But you proposed to me.
FOGGERTY. I have no recollection of it.
MALVINA. I have got it in writing over and over again. [Produces a
bundle of letters.]
FOGGERTY. All those mine?
MALVINA. Every manjack of them.
FOGGERTY. May I look at them?
MALVINA. Not exactlywasn't born yesterday.
FOGGERTY [aside]. No, you certainly were not.
MALVINA. You're quite resolved?
FOGGERTY. Quite. You must conquer this passion. I am sorry if I have
encouraged hopes which are not destined to be realized; but, although
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY
ACT III. 33
Page No 36
I have a sincere regard for you, I can never be more to you than a
friend.
MALVINA. That is your ultimatum?
FOGGERTY. That is my ultimatum.
MALVINA. Then again I have to resort to that dread expedient which a
sympathetic country has provided for the unsuspecting victims of man's
designing villainy. Allow me. [Gives paper to FOGGERTY.]
FOGGERTY. What's this?
MALVINA. It is a writ of summons at the suit of Malvina de Vere,
spinster, against Frederick Foggerty, bachelor, to recover damages for
breach of promise to marry.
FOGGERTY. Thank you. The damages, I see, are not stated.
MALVINA. Not yet. True delicacy shrinks from placing matters of this
quasisentimental character upon a mere business footing. I thought it
would be altogether more delicate if we could arrive at an estimate by
a friendly calculation.
FOGGERTY. Very thoughtful.
MALVINA. It's a pretty idea; I always do it. Now, let me see. First
of all there is my distress of mind, and consequent wear and tear of
personal beauty.
FOGGERTY. Not worth naming. Miss de Vere is, if possible, more
lovely than ever.
MALVINA. Yes, I know I am now; but oh! think, think of the anxious
days and sleepless nights yet to come!
FOGGERTY. To be sure.
MALVINA. The worm in the bud
FOGGERTY. True; I forgot the worm in the bud. How long do you think
you will be before you get over it?
MALVINA. It generally takes about six weeks.
FOGGERTY. That is not very long.
MALVINA. Make it months if you like.
FOGGERTY. Not for worlds. You think the worm will have had enough in
six weeks?
MALVINA. Oh, I think so. Six weeks at a guinea a day fortytwo
guineas.
FOGGERTY. Dear!
MALVINA. I couldn't do it for less.
FOGGERTY [getting his arm round her]. Make it pounds, do.
MALVINA. What a wheedling way you have! Very well, pounds. Then
there is the disappointment, the blackness of a desolate future. What
shall we say for the disappointment?
FOGGERTY. I shouldn't put that at a high figure if I were you. I
shouldn't make a good husband.
MALVINA [politely]. Oh, I won't allow that for a moment.
FOGGERTY. No, but indeed I shouldn't.
MALVINA [insinuatingly]. Not even such a wife as I?
FOGGERTY. If anything could make a domestic man of me it would be
the knowledge that I had a nice, snug, cosy creature like you waiting
at home for me; but nothing could.
MALVINA. I don't think I could put the disappointment at less than a
hundred.
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY
ACT III. 34
Page No 37
FOGGERTY. A hundred! A hundred for such a goodfornothing scamp as
I? Ridiculous! It's absurd. You don't know what a ruffian I am. Fifty
is the outside figure.
MALVINA. Oh, Mr. Foggerty, you underrate yourself. I don't
thinkstand up. [He stands up.] No, I couldn't put the disappointment
at less than a hundred.
FOGGERTY. Fifty!
MALVINA. A hundred!
FOGGERTY. Split the difference, and say seventyfive.
MALVINA. Very well; but it's a positive insult to you to put it so
low.
FOGGERTY. Don't mention it, I beg.
MALVINA. Then we come to the publicity of the thingthe shame of
having to lay bare in open court the holiest feelings of our imperfect
nature.
FOGGERTY. Haven't you got used to that yet?
MALVINA. Used to it? My dear Mr. Foggerty, believe me, that the
agony of having to trot out one's affections for the entertainment of
a ribald public becomes more excruciating each time. On the whole, I
cannot quote the publicity at a lower figure than five hundred.
FOGGERTY. Four.
MALVINA. Five.
FOGGERTY. Split the difference, and say four hundred and fifty.
Come, now, do, for me.
MALVINA. It's ridiculously cheap; but I never did in all my
experience come across anybody with such coaxing ways. But then,
there's the trousseau.
FOGGERTY. But that will do for next time. I suppose you have had the
same trousseau in each case.
MALVINA. Oh dear, no! Only the last four cases. I find that a
trousseau only lasts out six engagements. You see, it gets handled and
messed. And there's the moth and change of fashion. I usually reckon
it at twentyfive per cent. off prime cost. Prime cost two
hundredtwentyfive off that onefifty.
FOGGERTY. How much is that altogether?
MALVINA. Let's see. Six hundred and seventeen pounds. Then there are
costs as between lawyer and client.
FOGGERTY. Say six hundred, all told, and thenwho knows perhaps
we shall be engaged again.
MALVINA. Oh, I couldn't do it. Firstclass evidence, you know, warm
and flowery lettersall in your own writing.
FOGGERTY. Are they warm and flowery?
MALVINA. Ridiculously so. There's poetry in some of them your own.
FOGGERTY [aside]. My own! I wonder where I got it from? [Aloud.] But
wait a moment, Jenny won't have me now. I really don't see what is to
prevent me marrying you.
MALVINA. Nothing whatever, if you prefer that course; then there
will only be the costs out of pocket.
FOGGERTY. There's the remains of a fine woman about you.
MALVINA. I am generally known as the Splendid Ruin.
FOGGERTY. You are a splendid ruina sprig or two of ivy and an owl
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY
ACT III. 35
Page No 38
under your arm and you would be complete. My dear girl, if it is a
question of paying six hundred pounds and costs, or marrying you, I'll
marry you.
MALVINA. You will?
FOGGERTY. Certainly. I must have seen something in you, or I
shouldn't have proposed to you. I have no doubt you are a much more
agreeable woman than you look.
MALVINA. Surely, surely, you know how agreeable I am by this time.
FOGGERTY. Yesyesno doubt; butMalvina
MALVINA. Call me by the old pet namethe name of happy memories.
FOGGERTY. Yesthat is just itI don't know what it was.
MALVINA [astonished]. You don't know what it was?
FOGGERTY. Malvina, I will be candid with you. A singular misfortune
has overtaken memy mind, perfectly keen and sound at the present
moment, is a blank as regards everything that took place before this
morningmy memory is quite gone.
MALVINA. How remarkable!
FOGGERTY. Odd, isn't it?
MALVINA. Then that accounts
FOGGERTY. For my not knowing that confounded pet name of happy
memories, and fifty other things. Now, if you will undertake to tell
me all about myselfwho I am, what I am, where I am, and who and what
everybody else isand, in short, enable me to hold my position before
the world without making an infernal fool of myself, I'll marry you
out of gratitude. Now, is it a bargain?
MALVINA. Is it a bargain? I rather think it is a bargain. But what
an extraordinary state of things.
FOGGERTY. Well, it is singular. I'll just run upstairs and make a
change. You see what a state I am in after my run; and then the sooner
you post me up to this morning the better.
MALVINA. I will; go, my love, and in the mean time I will draw up a
statement of facts for your information. Farewell.
FOGGERTY. Farewell. Don't you think
MALVINA. Think what?
FOGGERTY. That under the circumstances I might venture to
nobetter not.
[Exit.
MALVINA: At last, oh Fate, thou smilest on me! There seems some
prospect that that blighted bud, my heart, may blossom into wedded
dignity. But who are these who break my solitude?
[Enter TALBOT, followed by DOCTOR LOBB, DOCTOR DOBB,
and BLOGG, a rough sullenlooking man, who keeps in the
background.]
TALBOT. Come in, gentlemen, pray. Be so good as to sit down. [Sees
MALVINA.] Oh! the athletic lady. I beg your pardon, Mr. Foggerty
MALVINA. Has sought the sacred precincts of his chamber, to make a
certain change in his apparel.
TALBOT. Oh! exactly, he has had a fatiguing afternoon. [Aside.] Dear
me, this is awkward.
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY
ACT III. 36
Page No 39
MALVINA. I'll not intrude upon your converse, sirs. I wait an
interview with Frederick, and will, with your permission, gentlemen,
attend his coming in the twopairback.
[Curtseys and exit.
TALBOT. Fine woman, sound in wind and limb. [Aloud.] Gentlemen, the
unfortunate subject of your investigation will be here in a very few
minutes. You will not find him violent, gentlemen.
DR. LOBB. His paroxysms are mild, are they?
TALBOT. I should hardly call them paroxysms, they don't amount to
that; I should rather describe him as the victim of extraordinary
hallucinations.
DR. DOBB. Very sad indeed.
DR. LOBB. And what, my dear Mr Talbot, is the subject or bent of his
delusions?
TALBOT. Well, gentlemen, among other singular misconceptions he is
under the impression that he is the inventor of the famous "Longevity
Pill."
DR. DOBB. Pardon methe "notorious"we don't use the term "famous"
in connection with patent medicines. We call them "notorious."
TALBOT. Oh! then he thinks he invented the "notorious" Longevity
Pill.
DR. LOBB. It is a very significant symptom. I remember the case of
an unfortunate man who systematically infringed other people's
patents, and actually made a fine fortune by doing somad,
sirhopelessly mad.
TALBOT. He also believes that he derives a very large income by its
sale, when in point of fact he has not a penny in the world.
DR. DOBB. Oh, a very common delusion. I recollect an instance of a
poor halfwitted creature, who drew enormous cheques on a bank, at
which he had positively no account whatever, and in a name which
actually did not belong to him. The cheques were cashed and he was off
to America before the delusion was discovered. Mad, sirquite mad.
TALBOT. Then again, he will accept any theory concerning himself
that you choose to suggest. You can make him believe that he is a
soldier, sailor, tinker, tailor, ploughboy, apothecary, thiefall in
turn. Remarkable, isn't it?
DR. LOBB. Not at all. Nothing more common. I once gave evidence in
the case of an unhappy man, who obtained large sums of money from
charitable people on the plea that he was a bricklayer's widow with
twelve children. The poor fellow would have had twelve months'
imprisonment, with hard labour, but for my evidence. Mad, sir,
hopelessly mad.
TALBOT. If you will excuse me for a moment, gentlemen, I will send
him to you. You will find the sherry on the sideboard. [Aside.]
Clearheaded, logical men of sense, these mad doctors.
[Exit TALBOT.
DR. DOBB [turning to BLOGG]. Now, Blogg.
BLOGG. Sir.
DR. DOBB. Attend to us.
DR. LOBB. Dr. Dobb means listen attentively to what we say.
DR. DOBB. If we find it necessary, as no doubt we shall, to give
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY
ACT III. 37
Page No 40
this unfortunate gentleman into your charge, you will humour him in
everything.
DR. LOBB. Dr. Dobb means you will contradict him in nothing.
DR. DOBB. In nothing whatever.
DR. LOBB. In other words, in nothing at all.
BLOGG. All right, guv'nor.
DR. DOBB. Now, mind you keep your eye upon him.
DR. LOBB. In other words, don't let him get out of your sight.
DR. DOBB. Whatever he says, accept his delusion.
DR. LOBB. My friend means, humour his hallucinations.
DR. DOBB. Agree to his statements at once, however absurd they may
seem.
DR. LOBB. In other words, accept his theories, however ridiculous
they may appear. [During this BLOGG is sitting, eating.]
DR. DOBB. It's the only way to deal with a confirmed delusionist.
DR. LOBB. There is no other course to take with a hopeless
visionary.
[Enter FOGGERTY, unobserved.]
DR. DOBB. And now we had better go and prepare our report.
DR. LOBB. By all means. [Going.]
DR. DOBB [politely]. After you.
DR. LOBB. Couldn't think of it.
DR. DOBB. Oh, but I insist.
DR. LOBB. As you please.
[Exit DR. LOBB.
DR. DOBB. Dd coxcomb.
[Following.
FOGGERTY [who has been staring at the Doctors in blank astonishment
during this dialogue, turns to BLOGG, who is eating impassively]. Now,
what is this? Is it alive, or is it stuffed?
BLOGG [finishing his supper]. I'm stuffed.
FOGGERTY. What are you doing here?
BLOGG. I'm keeping a eye on you.
FOGGERTY. Do I understand that your instructions are to follow me
wherever I go?
BLOGG. No, 'cause you ain't agoing nowhere.
FOGGERTY [aside]. Now, how am I to deal with this ruffian? I could
kick him outat least, I think I couldbut he seems to have some
right herehe isn't a man in possession! [Aloud.] You aren't a man in
possession, are you?
BLOGG. No, I ain't a man in possession.
FOGGERTY [suddenly]. I see what it ishe's a constable. I have
committed a crime, which I shouldn't have committed if Spiff hadn't
been Spiffed out. And these two blackandwhite scoundrels are
detectives. [Aloud.] I say, those two piebald idiots, who left as I
came in, are detectives. You can't deny that!
BLOGG [stolidly]. I ain't agoin' to deny nothin'.
FOGGERTY [aside]. This is perfectly appalling! What have I done?
What is my crime?is it embezzlement, forgery, bigamy, highway
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY
ACT III. 38
Page No 41
robberywhat? That's it, I haven't an idea.
BLOGG. Don't take on so, there's lots in the same fix.
FOGGERTY. Lots in the same fix! Yes, I know there are; but they know
what they've done, I don't. [Suddenly.] Walkinshaw is at the bottom of
this.
BLOGG. Ah! Walkinshaw's at the bottom of it!
FOGGERTY. Of course he is. He has led me into this; mind, whatever
it is, he has led me into it!
BLOGG. Ah! he's led you into it.
FOGGERTY. Whatever it is, I will confess all. I will turn Queen's
evidence against Walkinshaw, and will bring Walkinshaw to justice;
and, in return for my services to the State, claim the Royal Pardon.
BLOGG. Ah, that is your game! Nothing like it!
FOGGERTY. Now you, sir, just attend carefully to what I say. I
intend to make a clean breast of it and admit everything. [Aside.] It
would simplify matters if I had some remote notion, just a vague,
distant, glimmering of an idea, what Walkinshaw and I have done. Never
mind: half a dozen shrewdly framed leading questions will pump it all
out. [Aloud.] Now, then, are you ready to receive my confession?
BLOGG. All rightfire away.
FOGGERTY [aloud]. Now, then, you know, of course, when this deed was
done, for which Walkinshaw and I will shortly have to answer to the
outraged majesty of the law? [Waits anxiously for the reply.]
BLOGG [indifferently]. Oh, I knowfust of April.
FOGGERTY [seizing on the idea]. On the very first day of April, in
the year of grace 1879, this deed for which Walkinshaw and I will
shortly have to answer to the outraged majesty of the law was
perpetrated. We selected the first of April becausebecause we were
anxious to get it over as soon after March as possible. Now, then,
when do you think we did it?
BLOGG [stupidly]. Can't say, I'm sure.
FOGGERTY. No; but guess.
BLOGG. I ain't good at guessin'.
FOGGERTY [aside]. What an unimaginative ass it is. [Aloud.] Come,
now, make an effortjust one.
BLOGG [after a pause]. Twelve o'clock at nightwhen nobody was
lookin'.
FOGGERTY. At the mystic hour of midnight, on the very first day of
April, in the year of grace 1879, Walkinshaw and I, having previously
ascertained that we were secure from the impertinent observation of
casual passersby, perpetrated that deed, for which we shall only too
surely have to take our stand at the bar of the outraged majesty of
the law. We selected midnight because it's generally darker then than
it is in the daylight. Well, there I was. There I was, I say. I say I
was there.
BLOGG. Alone?
FOGGERTY. Alone in the grim and ghostly solitude of that April
midnight. I needn't tell you how I was occupied.
BLOGG. Maybe you was digging a hole?
FOGGERTY. Armed with a pickaxe and a spade, stripped to the shirt,
and with the beady dews of mental agony upon my brow, I shovelled up
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY
ACT III. 39
Page No 42
the fat, black earth until the hole was wide and deep enough forfor
the purpose we had in view. Scarcely had I satisfied myself that the
hole was wide and deep enough for the purpose we had in view, when,
what do you think happened?
BLOGG. P'r'aps Walkinshaw came up?
FOGGERTY. Creeping guiltily in the ghostly moonlight, as one whose
mind was burdened with a crime too great for him to bear, Walkinshaw
came up. You know as well as I do what that monster in human form had
with him.
BLOGG. Maybe it was a sack?
FOGGERTY. It was a sack. Closed up at one end but open at the other
for the convenience of removing whatever it was intended to contain.
You see I am perfectly candid. I conceal nothing from you. That sack
containedthe booty.
BLOGG. Oh! she was a booty, was she?
FOGGERTY. Eh?
BLOGG. I say she was a booty, was she?
FOGGERTY. She? Did you say "she"?
BLOGG. You said she was a booty!
FOGGERTY [recovering himself with an effort]. My dear sir, she was
one of the finest women you ever saw in the whole course of your life!
[Aside.] It's murder! By all the furies, it's murder. Who was she?
What could have induced us to do it?
BLOGG. Was she dead?
FOGGERTY. Dead, but still warm. [Aside.] This is appalling! [Aloud.]
And howhow do you think this unhappy lady met her miserable fate?
BLOGG [after a pause]. Pound and a 'arf o' arsenic?
FOGGERTY. Very near a pound and a half of arsenicnot quite, but
very nearlypurchased in small doses for the ostensible purpose of
killing rats, and administered to her bywhom do you suppose? [Waits
anxiously for BLOGG's reply.]
BLOGG. Oh, Walkinshaw, of course?
FOGGERTY [relieved and shaking his hand]. My dear fellow, I did you
an injustice. I took you for an ass. Allow me to apologizeyou are
one of the sharpest men I have met for a long time. Of course it was
administered by Walkinshaw. And how do you suppose that fiend in human
form contrived to administer this deleterious mineral to his illfated
victim?
BLOGG [after a pause]. Apple pudden?
FOGGERTY. You are quite right; it was in an apple pudding a large
apple pudding, the apples having been previously pared and cut in
quarters and the cores extracted. Now the question isand a very
important question it ishow far am I implicated?
BLOGG. Ah! that is the question.
FOGGERTY. True, I assisted him in disposing of the body. True I went
even so far as to dig the hole that was to receive it. But then the
question ariseshow did I come to do it? How came I to be there at
all?
BLOGG. Oh! you was a walkin' in your sleep.
FOGGERTY. I was in a state of the profoundest somnambulistic
unconsciousness. I give you my untarnished word of honour I was
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY
ACT III. 40
Page No 43
snoring heavily during the whole transaction. As for the ladywho do
you think she was? Of all unlikely people on the face of this earth,
who do you suppose that beautiful but unhappy lady was?
BLOGG [pleasantly]. Suppose we say his aunthis aunt Sarah?
FOGGERTY. It was his admirable aunt Sarahas excellent and
blameless a lady as ever stepped, and, I assure you, a firstrate
aunta really capital aunt. In point of fact, she had but one fault
in her composition, and I needn't tell you what that was.
BLOGG [after a pause]. Drink?
FOGGERTY. Her passion for alcoholic stimulants was that lovely but
deeply injured lady's bane. Beginning with small and comparatively
harmless drams, the detestable habit gradually grew upon her, and she
got from one thing to another (for I am anxious to omit nothing,
however insignificant, from my confession), until at last she
degenerated into a monomaniacal dipsomaniac.
BLOGG. Lor!
FOGGERTY. Walkinshaw, one of the most exemplary nephews in the
world, really couldn't stand it any longer. His credit as a gentleman,
his position in society, his very means of livelihood were all
affected by the disreputable habits of this abominable old ladyone
of the finest women you ever saw. One day he made a large apple
pudding and flavoured it with nearly a pound and a half of arsenic,
and I, in one of those fits of somnambulistic unconsciousness to which
I have been subject from infancy, dug a hole to receive the body,
snoring heavily the whole time. [Aside.] There, I have done it now.
What have I said? Oh, Walkinshaw, Walkinshaw, if I only had my fingers
round your throat at this moment, justice would be baulked of her
victim.
[Enter WALKINSHAW hurriedly, in great coat, and rug,
and carrying luggage.]
WALKINSHAW [in great distress]. She has found me out. She is after
me. I can just catch the nine fortyfive; but I have not a moment to
lose.
FOGGERTY [seizing him]. Stop, scoundrel! Miscreant! Stop!
WALKINSHAW. What do you mean? Let me go! I'm bolting!
FOGGERTY. Bolting, are you? Not while I have the strength of twenty
men, as I have now. [Struggling desperately with him.]
BLOGG [to WALKINSHAW]. You had best stop. Do what the poor gentleman
tells you. Don't contrairy him.
WALKINSHAW. Stop! I can't stop! Let me go! Don't shake me! You're
always rumpling me!
FOGGERTY [furiously]. Rumple you! I'll rumple you!
[Shakes him violently, WALKINSHAW quite helpless in his
hands.]
WALKINSHAW [breathless]. Pray don'tlet me go!
BLOGG. Better let the poor gentleman rumple you, if he wants to.
FOGGERTY. Abandon all hope of escape! Your diabolical treatment of
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY
ACT III. 41
Page No 44
that amiable and deeplyinjured lady will soon be blown to the four
corners of the earth. [Shakes him violently.]
WALKINSHAW. I didn't treat her handsomely, I admit. But you treated
her just as badly as I did.
FOGGERTY [remorsefully]. I did. I know it. Guilty wretch that I am!
But who led me into it? Who used his diabolical power over me to
compel me to act as his accomplice? Oh, I could throttle you! [Shakes
him.]
WALKINSHAW [faintly]. If you will kindly desist for a moment perhaps
I could answer you.
BLOGG [aside to WALKINSHAW]. Don't contrairy him, sir. Best let the
poor gentleman throttle you, if he wants to. It's the only way.
WALKINSHAW. Hush! She is coming! She is after me! Hide me hide me!
She follows me wherever I go.
FOGGERTY [flinging him off]. The consciencestricken coward is
haunted by the imaginary presence of his miserable victim!
WALKINSHAW [very faintly, and all of a heap]. Don't quite
understand.
FOGGERTY. Understand that I have confessed everything. Your
beautiful but illfated aunt Sarah
WALKINSHAW. I haven't got an aunt Sarah.
FOGGERTY. Her unfortunate passion for drinkthe apple puddingthe
arsenicher agonizing deaththe bloodstained sack and its ghastly
tenantthe midnight grave!
WALKINSHAW [very faintly]. Some mistake somewhere.
FOGGERTY. Officer, seize him!
BLOGG. But
FOGGERTY. Seize him, I say.
BLOGG [going to WALKINSHAW, who is all of a heap against the table].
Werry sorry, sir! But the poor gentleman mustn't be contrairied.
[Seizes WALKINSHAW.]
WALKINSHAW [very limp and helpless]. Don't you rumple me!
[BLOGG sits at table with WALKINSHAW, a helpless lump
in his lap.]
[Enter MALVINA, hurriedly.]
MALVINA. He came this way. [Sees WALKINSHAW in BLOGG's lap.] Oh,
here he isnownow I have got you. [WALKINSHAW stares helplessly at
her like an idiotic baby.]
FOGGERTY [to MALVINA]. Don't touch him, he is a murderer!
MALVINA. A murderer! [Recoiling towards FOGGERTY.]
[BLOGG rises, places WALKINSHAW on a chair like a
helpless Guy Fawkes.
BLOGG [aside to MALVINA, who is reclining in FOGGERTY's arms]. Take
my advice, and don't you go too near him, miss. He is a madman.
MALVINA. A madman! [Recoiling from FOGGERTY, who for the first time
understands that he is regarded as a lunatic, and assumes an
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY
ACT III. 42
Page No 45
expression of horrorstruck surprise.] A murderer and a madman! And
woe is me, it is to such men as these that I have handed over my
unsuspecting heart!
[Enter TALBOT.]
TALBOT [aside to BLOGG]. We are quite ready to remove him; but I'll
break it pleasantly to him. [Aloud.] My dear Foggerty, I'm extremely
sorry to say that it is necessary to place you under restraint.
FOGGERTY. Under restraint! I see it all now. They take me for a
madman. It only needed this to complete my misery.
BLOGG. Come along o' me. There's a cab at the door, and it'll be
done as comfortable as possible.
FOGGERTY. Away! [Throwing TALBOT and BLOGG off. TALBOT falls
helplessly into a chair, BLOGG goes off.] Matters have reached a
crisis. There's only one thing to be done. I have Rebecca's pills in
my pocket. One last appeal to her, and if that fails, I give in.
[Pours out a glass of water and swallows pill.] Rebecca! Appear!
[Hurried music. REBECCA appears through trap.]
REBECCA [impatiently]. Now, what do you want? I'm extremely busy,
and this interruption is most annoying.
FOGGERTY. I won't detain you long. In my anxiety to appear equal to
the intellectual pressure of the conversation, I've been led into
making such preposterous statements that I run a very good chance of
being hanged first and confined in a lunatic asylum afterwards.
REBECCA. Really this doesn't concern me. I've nothing to do with it.
My guardianship is spiffed out.
FOGGERTY. Yes, I know it's spiffed out; but you're an extremely
intelligent and accomplished young persondon't you think if you made
an effort you could spiff it in again?
REBECCA. Out of the question. I should have to admit that I made a
mistake, and I should be at once relegated to the back rows, among the
stout ones, and never allowed to dance even in a quartette, and lately
I've been dancing solo.
FOGGERTY. But
REBECCA. I've nothing more to say; your situation doesn't concern me
in any way. I beg I may not be interrupted again. [On trap, stamps her
foot and says, "Go"she descends through trap.]
FOGGERTY. Stop!
REBECCA [half down trap]. What do you want? [Remains half way down
trap.]
FOGGERTY. Allow me to remind you that I've fortyseven pills left,
and I can call you up fortyseven times if I please. I don't want to
make myself unpleasant to a lady, but if you're not civil, I'll give
you a time of it.
REBECCA [rising through trap again]. Well, be quick. What is it?
FOGGERTY. Let's understand one another. When I took the draught all
the consequences of my having known Spiff were obliterated.
REBECCA. Utterly.
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ACT III. 43
Page No 46
FOGGERTY. But if I had never known Spiff I should never have got
into a difficulty on account of Spiff, and if I had never got into
that difficulty I should never have applied to you to get me out of
it, and if I had never applied to you to get me out of it you would
never have given me that infernal draught, which has been the cause of
all the miseries with which I'm threatened.
REBECCA. Dear me, I never thought of that.
FOGGERTY. In point of fact, I've been saddled with consequences from
which, according to the terms of my contract, I ought to have been
entirely free.
REBECCA. It certainly seems so. I'm very sorry.
FOGGERTY. Now all this comes of hurrying your work. If you'd do a
little less bedevilment and do it well you'd make a better job of it
in the end.
REBECCA. It's not bedevilment. I'm a good fairy.
FOGGERTY. Good, but stupid.
REBECCA. Good, but stupid. I hope you won't mention this?
FOGGERTY. That depends upon yourself. You've got me into this fix,
and you must get me out of it. Restore matters to their original
condition, barring Spiff, whom I won't hear of at any price, and we'll
say no more about it.
REBECCA. Very good, I'll do it; but mind, it must never be known
that I "tried back," or I should get into a terrible scrape. Are you
ready for the change?
FOGGERTY. Quite ready.
REBECCA. Then "go."
[Waves wand. Slow music. Scene suddenly changes to
scene of Act I., daylight. All the Fairies enter at the
back and group until the end. TALBOT, MALVINA, and
WALKINSHAW gradually revive from their swoon. MALVINA
goes to WALKINSHAW.]
MALVINA. Walkinshaw! My own!
WALKINSHAW. Malvina! [Embraces.]
[Enter JENNY, followed by LOTTIE and TOTTIE in dresses
of Act I., then UNCLE FOGLE, AUNT BOGLE, WALKER, and
BALKER, all in dresses of Act I., with favours. JENNY
rushes to FOGGERTY.]
JENNY. Frederick! My own.
FOGGERTY. Jenny! [Embraces.]
TALBOT. Now thencome alongthe carriages have been waiting ever
so long, and the clergyman is getting cold. Uncle Fogle take Aunt
Bogle, Walker take Lottie, Balker take Tottie.
JENNY. Frederick! In ten minutes we shall be made one. Tell me once
more that you have never, never loved before!
FOGGERTY. Never; wouldn't dream of such a thing! It's all right;
it's all overit's pastgonespiffed out for ever!
JENNY. What's spiffed out?
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY
ACT III. 44
Page No 47
FOGGERTY. Medical menmadhousebreach of promise
executionmurdered Aunt Sarah! All gone!
WALKINSHAW. What's the man talking about?
FOGGERTY [suddenly serious]. Walkinshaw, you did not murder your
aunt Sarah?
WALKINSHAW. Never!
TALBOT. Oh, too absurd! Ha! ha! ha!
ALL. Ha! ha! ha!
FOGGERTY. Walkinshaw, you are going to be married to Malvina. If, in
the fulness of time, Heaven should ever bless you with a little aunt
Sarah, swear that that admirable woman's life shall be as sacred as
your own!
WALKINSHAW. Before Heaven, I swear it.
FOGGERTY. I knew it! God bless you, Walkinshaw.
ALL. Ha! ha! ha!
FOGGERTY. And, Jennydear Jennyyou won't marry Walkinshaw, but,
on the contrary, you'll marry me, and Walkinshaw will marry Malvina;
she has an excellent constitution. And Walker, Balker, Lottie, Tottie,
Fogle, Bogle, you'll all marry each other [all laugh]! and I declare
I'm so happy I don't know whether to laugh or to cry. [All laughing.]
Which shall it be? Oh, well, better be unanimous. Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!
ALL. Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!
[They pair off. FOGGERTY with JENNY, WALKINSHAW with
MALVINA, WALKER with LOTTIE, BALKER with TOTTIE, UNCLE
FOGLE with AUNT BOGLE, and move towards entrance,
laughing heartily. Scene opens at back during this.
Fairies enter, laughing heartily, and waving wands.
REBECCA ascends on stool at back, also laughing. Red
fire. Curtain.]
FOGGERTY'S FAIRY
ACT III. 45
Bookmarks
1. Table of Contents, page = 3
2. FOGGERTY'S FAIRY, page = 4
3. W.S. Gilbert, page = 4
4. ACT I., page = 4
5. ACT II., page = 18
6. ACT III., page = 34