Title: Fanny and the Servant Problem
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Author: Jerome K. Jerome
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Fanny and the Servant Problem
Jerome K. Jerome
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Table of Contents
Fanny and the Servant Problem ........................................................................................................................1
Jerome K. Jerome .....................................................................................................................................1
ACT I.......................................................................................................................................................1
ACT II ....................................................................................................................................................16
ACT III ...................................................................................................................................................31
ACT IV..................................................................................................................................................47
Fanny and the Servant Problem
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Fanny and the Servant Problem
Jerome K. Jerome
ACT I
ACT II
ACT III
ACT IV
THE CHARACTERS
Fanny
Her Husband, Vernon Wetherell, Lord Bantock
Her Butler, Martin Bennet
Her Housekeeper, Susannah Bennet
Her Maid, Jane Bennet
Her Second Footman, Ernest Bennet
Her Stillroom Maid, Honoria Bennet
Her Aunts by marriage, the Misses Wetherell
Her Local Medical Man, Dr. Freemantle
Her quondam Companions, "Our Empire":
England
Scotland
Ireland
Wales
Canada
Australia
New Zealand
Africa
India
Newfoundland
Malay Archipelago
Straits Settlements
Her former Business Manager, George P. Newte
ACT I
SCENE
The Lady Bantock's boudoir, Bantock Hall, Rutlandshire, a spacious room handsomely furnished (chiefly in
the style of Louis the Fourteenth) and lighted by three high windows, facing the southwest. A door between
the fireplace and the windows leads to his lordship's apartments. A door the other side of the fireplace is the
general entrance. The door opposite the windows leads through her ladyship's dressingroom into her
ladyship's bedroom. Over the great fireplace hangs a fulllength portrait of Constance, first Lady Bantock, by
Hoppner.
The time is sunset of a day in early spring. The youthful Lord Bantock is expected home with his newly
wedded wife this evening; and the two Misses Wetherell, his aunts, have been busy decorating the room with
flowers, and are nearing the end of their labours. The two Misses Wetherell have grown so much alike it
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would be difficult for a stranger to tell one from the other; and to add to his confusion they have fallen into
the habit of dressing much alike in a fashion of their own that went out long ago, while the hair of both is
white, and even in their voices they have caught each other's tones.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL [she has paused from her work and is looking out of the windows].
Such a lovely sunset, dear.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL [she leaves her work and joins her sister. The two stand holding
each other's hands, looking out]. Beautiful! [A silence. The sun is streaming full into the room.] Youyou
don't think, dear, that this room[she looks round it]may possibly be a little TOO sunny to quite suit her?
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL [not at first understanding]. How, dear, TOO sun[She grasps the
meaning.] You meanyou think that perhaps she does that sort of thing?
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. Well, dear, one is always given to understand that they do,
womenladies of her profession.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. It seems to me so wicked: painting God's work.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. We mustn't judge hardly, dear. Besides, dear, we don't know yet
that she does.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. Perhaps she's young, and hasn't commenced it. I fancy it's only the
older ones that do it.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. He didn't mention her age, I remember.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. No, dear, but I feel she's young.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. I do hope she is. We may be able to mould her.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. We must be very sympathetic. One can accomplish so much with
sympathy.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. We must get to understand her. [A sudden thought.] Perhaps,
dear, we may get to like her.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL [doubtful]. We might TRY, dear.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. For Vernon's sake. The poor boy seems so much in love with her.
We must
Bennet has entered. He is the butler.
BENNET. Doctor Freemantle. I have shown him into the library.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. Thank you, Bennet. Will you please tell him that we shall be
down in a few minutes? I must just finish these flowers. [She returns to the table.]
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. Why not ask him to come up here? We could consult himabout the
room. He always knows everything.
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THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. A good idea. Please ask him, Bennet, if he would mind coming up
to us here. [Bennet, who has been piling up fresh logs upon the fire, turns to go.] Oh, Bennet! You will
remind Charles to put a footwarmer in the carriage!
BENNET. I will see to it myself. [He goes out.]
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. Thank you, Bennet. [To her sister] One's feet are always so cold
after a railway journey.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. I've been told that, nowadays, they heat the carriages.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. Ah, it is an age of luxury! I wish I knew which were her favourite
flowers. It is so nice to be greeted by one's favourite flowers.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. I feel sure she loves lilies.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. And they are so appropriate to a bride. So
Announced by Bennet, Dr. Freemantle bustles in. He is a dapper little man, cleanshaven, with quick brisk
ways.
DR. FREEMANTLE [he shakes hands]. Well, and how are we this afternoon? [He feels the pulse of the
Younger Miss Wetherell] Steadier. Much steadier! [of the Elder Miss Wetherell.] Nervous tension greatly
relieved.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. She has been sleeping much better.
DR. FREEMANTLE [he pats the hand of the Elder Miss Wetherell]. Excellent! Excellent!
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. She ate a good breakfast this morning.
DR. FREEMANTLE [he pats the hand of the Younger Miss Wetherell]. Couldn't have a better sign. [He
smiles from one to the other.] Brain disturbance, caused by futile opposition to the inevitable, evidently
abating. One page Marcus Aurelius every morning before breakfast. "Adapt thyself," says Marcus Aurelius,
"to the things with which thy lot has been cast. Whatever happens"
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. You see, doctor, it was all so sudden.
DR. FREEMANTLE. The unexpected! It has a way of taking us by surprisebowling us
overcompletely. Till we pull ourselves together. Make the best of what can't be helpedlike brave, sweet
gentlewomen. [He presses their hands. They are both wiping away a tear.] When do you expect them?
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. Tonight, by the halfpast eight train. We had a telegram this
morning from Dover.
DR. FREEMANTLE. Um! and this is to be her room? [He takes it in.] The noble and renowned Constance,
friend and confidant of the elder Pitt, maker of history, first Lady Bantockby Hoppneralways there to
keep an eye on her, remind her of the family traditions. Brilliant idea, brilliant! [They are both smiling with
pleasure.]
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THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. And you don't thinkit is what we wanted to ask youthat there is
any fear of her finding it a little trying the light? You see, this is an exceptionally sunny room.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. And these actressesif all one hears is true
The dying sun is throwing his last beams across the room.
DR. FREEMANTLE. Which, thank God, it isn't. [He seats himself in a large easychair. The two ladies sit
side by side on a settee.] I'll tell you just exactly what you've got to expect. A ladya few years older than
the boy himself, but still young. Exquisite figure; dressedperhaps a trifle too regardless of expense.
Hairmaybe just a shade TOO golden. All that can be altered. Features piquant, with expressive eyes, the
use of which she probably understands, and an almost permanent smile, displaying an admirably preserved
and remarkably even set of teeth. But, above all, clever. That's our sheetanchor. The woman's clever. She
will know how to adapt herself to her new position.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL [turning to her sister]. Yes, she must be clever to have obtained the
position that she has. [To the Doctor] Vernon says that she was quite the chief attraction all this winter, in
Paris.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. And the French public is so critical.
DR. FREEMANTLE [drily]. Um! I was thinking rather of her cleverness in "landing" poor Vernon. The
lad's not a fool.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. We must do her justice. I think she was really in love with him.
DR. FREEMANTLE [still more drily]. Very possibly. Most cafe chantant singers, I take it, would
bewith an English lord. [He laughs.]
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. You see, she didn't know he was a lord.
DR. FREEMANTLE. Didn't know?
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. No. She married him, thinking him to be a plain Mr. Wetherell, an
artist.
DR. FREEMANTLE. Where d'ye get all that from?
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. From Vernon himself. You've got his last letter, dear. [She has opened
her chatelaine bag.] Oh, no, I've got it myself.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. He's not going to break it to her till they reach here this evening.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL [she reads]. Yes. "I shall not break it to her before we reach home. We
were married quietly at the Hotel de Ville, and she has no idea I am anything else than plain Vernon James
Wetherell, a fellowcountryman of her own, and a fellowartist. The dear creature has never even inquired
whether I am rich or poor." I like her for that.
DR. FREEMANTLE. You mean to tell me[He jumps up. With his hands in his jacket pockets, he walks
to and fro.] I suppose it's possible.
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THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. You see, she isn't the ordinary class of musichall singer.
DR. FREEMANTLE. I should say not.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. She comes of quite a good family.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. Her uncle was a bishop.
DR. FREEMANTLE. Bishop? Of where?
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL [with the letter]. He says he can't spell it. It's somewhere in New
Zealand.
DR. FREEMANTLE. Do they have bishops over there?
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. Well, evidently.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. Then her cousin is a judge.
DR. FREEMANTLE. In New Zealand?
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL [again referring to the letter]. Noin Ohio.
DR. FREEMANTLE. Seems to have been a somewhat scattered family.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. People go about so much nowadays.
Mrs. Bennet has entered. She is the housekeeper.
MRS. BENNET [she is about to speak to the Misses Wetherell; sees the Doctor]. Good afternoon, doctor.
DR. FREEMANTLE. Afternoon, Mrs. Bennet.
MRS. BENNET [she turns to the Misses Wetherell, her watch in her hand]. I was thinking of having the fire
lighted in her ladyship's bedroom. It is half past six.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. You are always so thoughtful. She may be tired.
MRS. BENNET. If so, everything will be quite ready. [She goes out, closing door.]
DR. FREEMANTLE. What do they think about it allthe Bennets? You have told them?
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. We thought it better. You see, one hardly regards them as
servants. They have been in the family so long. Three generations of them.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. Really, since our poor dear brother's death, Bennet has been more like
the head of the house than the butler.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. Of course, he doesn't say much.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. It is her having been on the stage that they feel so.
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THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. You see, they have always been a religious family.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. Do you know, I really think they feel it more than we do. I found
Peggy crying about it yesterday, in the scullery.
DR. FREEMANTLE [he has been listening with a touch of amusement.] Peggy Bennet?
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. Yes. CHARLES Bennet's daughter.
DR. FREEMANTLE. Happen to have a servant about the place who isn't a Bennet?
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. No, no, I don't really think we have. Oh, yesthat new girl Mrs.
Bennet engaged last week for the dairy. What is her name?
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. Arnold.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. Ah, yes, Arnold.
DR. FREEMANTLE. Ah!
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. I think she's a cousin, dear.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. Only a second cousin.
DR. FREEMANTLE. Um! Well I should tell the whole family to buck up. Seems to me, from what you tell
me, that their master is bringing them home a treasure. [He shakes hands briskly with the ladies.] May look in
again tomorrow. Don't forgetone page Marcus Aurelius before breakfastin case of need. [He goes out.]
The sun has sunk. The light is twilight.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. He always cheers one up.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. He's so alive.
[Mrs. Bennet comes in from the dressingroom. She leaves the door ajar. The sound of a hammer is heard. It
ceases almost immediately.] Oh, Mrs. Bennet, we were going to ask youwho is to be her ladyship's maid?
Have you decided yet?
MRS. BENNET. I have come to the conclusionlooking at the thing from every point of viewthat Jane
would be the best selection.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. Jane!
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. But does she understand the duties?
MRS. BENNET. A lady's maid, being so much alone with her mistress, is bound to have a certain amount of
influence. And Jane has exceptionally high principles.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. That is true, dear.
MRS. BENNET. As regards the duties, she is very quick at learning anything new. Of course, at first
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The sound of hammering again comes from the bedroom.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. Who is that hammering in her ladyship's bedroom?
MRS. BENNET. It is Bennet, Miss Edith. We thought it might be helpful: a few texts, hung where they
would always catch her ladyship's eye. [She notices the look of doubt.] Nothing offensive. Mere general
exhortations such as could be read by any lady. [The Misses Wetherell look at one another, but do not speak.]
I take it, dinner will be at half past seven, as usual?
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. Yes, Mrs. Bennet, thank you. They will not be here till about nine.
They will probably prefer a little supper to themselves.
Mrs. Bennet goes outon her way to the kitchen. The Misses Wetherell look at one another again. The
hammering recommences.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL [she hesitates a moment, then goes to the open door and calls].
BennetBennet! [She returns and waits. Bennet comes in.]
Oh, Bennet, your wife tells us you are putting up a few texts in her ladyship's bedroom.
BENNET. It seemed to me that a silent voice, speaking to her, as it were, from the wall
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. It is so good of youonly, youyou will be careful there is
nothing she could regard as a PERSONAL allusion.
BENNET. Many of the most popular I was compelled to reject, purely for that reason.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. We felt sure we could trust to your discretion.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. You see, coming, as she does, from a good family
BENNET. It is thatI speak merely for myselfthat gives me hope of reclaiming her.
A silence. The two ladies, feeling a little helpless, again look at one another.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. We must be very sympathetic.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. And patient, Bennet.
BENNET. It is what I am preparing myself to be. Of course, if you think them inadvisable, I can take them
down again.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. No, Bennet, oh no! I should leave them up. Very thoughtful of
you, indeed.
BENNET. It seemed to me one ought to leave no stone unturned. [He returns to his labours in the bedroom.]
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL [after a pause]. I do hope she'll LIKE the Bennets.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. I think she willafter a time, when she is used to them.
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THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. I am so anxious it should turn out well.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. I feel sure she's a good woman. Vernon would never have fallen in
love with her if she hadn't been good. [They take each other's hand, and sit side by side, as before, upon the
settee. The twilight has faded: only the faint firelight remains, surrounded by shadows.] Do you remember,
when he was a little mite, how he loved to play with your hair? [The younger Miss Wetherell laughs.] I
always envied you your hair.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. He was so fond of us both. Do you remember when he was
recovering from the measles, his crying for us to bath him instead of Mrs. Bennet? I have always reproached
myself that we refused.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. He was such a big boy for his age.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. I think we might have stretched a point in a case of illness.
The room has grown very dark. The door has been softly opened; Vernon and Fanny have entered
noiselessly. Fanny remains near the door hidden by a screen, Vernon has crept forward. At this point the two
ladies become aware that somebody is in the room. They are alarmed.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. Who's there?
VERNON. It's all right, aunt. It's only I.
The two ladies have risen. They run forward, both take him in their arms.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. Vernon!
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. My dear boy!
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. But we didn't expect you
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. And your wife, dear?
VERNON. She's here!
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. Here?
Fanny, from behind the screen, laughs.
VERNON. We'll have some light. [He whispers to them.] Not a word haven't told her yet. [Feeling his
way to the wall, he turns on the electric light.]
Fanny is revealed, having slipped out from behind the screen. There is a pause. Vernon, standing near the
fire, watches admiringly.
FANNY. Hope you are going to like me.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. My dear, I am sure we shall.
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THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. It is so easy to love the young and pretty. [They have drawn close to
her. They seem to hesitate.]
FANNY [laughs]. It doesn't come off, does it, Vernon, dear? [Vernon laughs. The two ladies, laughing, kiss
her.] I'm so glad you think I'm pretty. As a matter of fact, I'm not. There's a certain charm about me, I admit.
It deceives people.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. We were afraidyou know, dear, boys [she looks at Vernon
and smiles] sometimes fall in love with women much older than themselvesespecially women[She
grows confused. She takes the girl's hand.] We are so relieved that youthat you are yourself, dear,
FANNY. You were quite right, dear. They are sweet. Which is which?
VERNON [laughs]. Upon my word, I never can tell.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. Vernon! And you know I was always your favourite!
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. Dear!
VERNON. Then this is Aunt Alice.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. No dear, Edith.
[Vernon throws up his hands in despair. They all laugh.]
FANNY. I think I shall dress you differently; put you in blue and you in pink. [She laughs.] Is this the
drawingroom?
VERNON. Your room, dear.
FANNY. I like a room where one can stretch one's legs. [She walks across it.] A little too much desk
[referring to a massive brass bound desk, facing the three windows].
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. It belonged to the elder Pitt.
FANNY. Um! Suppose we must find a corner for it somewhere. That's a good picture.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. It is by Hoppner.
FANNY. One of your artist friends?
VERNON. Wellyou see, dear, that's a portrait of my great grandmother, painted from life.
FANNY [she whistles]. I am awfully ignorant on some topics. One good thing, I always was a quick study.
Not a badlooking woman.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. We are very proud of her. She was the first
VERNON [hastily]. We will have her history some other time.
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THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL [who understands, signs to her sister]. Of course. She's tired. We
are forgetting everything. You will have some tea, won't you, dear?
FANNY. No, thanks. We had tea in the train. [With the more or less helpful assistance of Vernon she divests
herself of her outdoor garments.]
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL [she holds up her hands in astonishment]. Tea in the train!
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. We were not expecting you so soon. You said in your telegram
VERNON. Oh, it was raining in London. We thought we would come straight onleave our shopping for
another day.
FANNY. I believe you were glad it was raining. Saved you such a lot of money. Old Stingy!
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. Then did you walk from the station, dear?
FANNY. Didn't it seem a long way? [She laughs up into his face.] He was so bored. [Vernon laughs.]
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. I had better tell[She is going towards the bell.]
VERNON [he stops her]. Oh, let them alone. Plenty of time for all that fuss. [He puts them both gently side
by side on the settee.] Sit down and talk. Haven't I been clever? [He puts his arm round Fanny, laughing.]
You thought I had made an ass of myself, didn't you? Did you get all my letters?
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. I think so, dear.
FANNY [she is sitting in an easychair. Vernon seats himself on the arm]. Do you know I've never had a
loveletter from you?
VERNON. You gave me no time. She met me a month ago, and married me last week.
FANNY. It was quick work. He camehe sawI conquered! [Laughs.]
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. They say that love at first sight is often the most lasting.
VERNON [he puts his arm around her]. You are sure you will never regret having given up the stage? The
excitement, the
FANNY. The excitement! Do you know what an actress's life always seemed to me like? Dancing on a
tightrope with everybody throwing stones at you. One soon gets tired of that sort of excitement. Oh, I was
never in love with the stage. Had to do something for a living.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. It must be a hard life for a woman.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. Especially for anyone not brought up to it.
FANNY. You see, I had a good voice and what I suppose you might call a natural talent for acting. It seemed
the easiest thing.
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THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. I suppose your family were very much opposed to it? [Vernon
rises. He stands with his back to the fire.]
FANNY. My family? Hadn't any!
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. No family?
Bennet enters. Vernon and Fanny left the door open. He halts, framed by the doorway.
FANNY. No. You see, I was an only child. My father and mother both died before I was fourteen.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. But your uncle?
FANNY. Oh, him! It was to get away from him and all that crew that I went on the stage.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. It is so sad when relations don't get on together.
FANNY. Sadder still when they think they've got a right to trample on you, just because you happen to be an
orphan andI don't want to talk about my relations. I want to forget them. I stood them for nearly six
months. I don't want to be reminded of them. I want to forget that they ever existed. I want to forget
Bennet has come down very quietly. Fanny, from where he stands, is the only one who sees him. He stands
looking at her, his features, as ever, immovable. At sight of him her eyes and mouth open wider and wider.
The words die away from her tongue. Vernon has turned away to put a log on the fire, and so has not seen her
expression only hears her sudden silence. He looks up and sees Bennet.
VERNON. Ah, Bennet! [He advances, holding out his hand.] You quite well?
BENNET [shaking hands with him]. Quite well.
VERNON. Good! And all the family?
BENNET. Nothing to complain of. Charles has had a touch of influenza.
VERNON. Ah, sorry to hear that.
BENNET. And your lordship?
VERNON. Fit as a fiddleyour new mistress.
Fanny has risen. Bennet turns to her. For a moment his back is towards the other three. Fanny alone sees his
face.
BENNET. We shall endeavour to do our duty to her ladyship. [He turns to Vernon.] I had arranged for a
more fitting reception
VERNON. To tell the honest truth, Bennet, the very thing we were afraid ofwhy we walked from the
station, and slipped in by the side door. [Laughing.] Has the luggage come?
BENNET. It has just arrived. It was about that I came to ask. I could not understand
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The Misses Wetherell have also risen. Fanny's speechless amazement is attributed by them and Vernon to
natural astonishment at discovery of his rank.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. You will be wanting a quiet talk together. We shall see you at
dinner.
VERNON. What time is dinner?
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. Half past seven.
[To Fanny] But don't you hurry, dear. I will tell cook to delay it a little. [She kisses her.]
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. You will want some time to arrange that pretty hair of yours. [She
also kisses the passive, speechless Fanny. They go out hand in hand.]
BENNET. I will see, while I am here, that your lordship's room is in order.
VERNON. Why, where's Robert, then?
BENNET. He has gone into town to do some shopping. We did not expect your lordship much before nine.
There may be one or two things to see to. [He goes into his lordship's apartments, closing the door behind
him.]
FANNY. Vernon, where am I?
VERNON. At home, dear.
FANNY. Yes, but where?
VERNON. At Bantock Hall, Rutlandshire. [Fanny sits down on the setteedrops down rather.] You're not
angry with me? You know how the world always talks in these cases. I wanted to be able to prove to them all
that you married me for myself. Not because I was Lord Bantock. Can you forgive me?
FANNY [she still seems in a dream]. Yesof course. You didn'tyou wouldn't[She suddenly springs
up.] Vernon, you do love me? [She flings her arms round his neck.]
VERNON. Dear!
FANNY. You will never be ashamed of me?
VERNON. Dearest!
FANNY. I was only a musichall singer. There's no getting over it, you know.
VERNON. I should have loved you had you been a beggarmaid.
FANNY [she still clings to him]. With an uncle a costermonger, and an aunt who sold matches. It wouldn't
have made any difference to you, would it? You didn't marry me for my family, did you? You didn't, did
you?
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VERNON. Darling! I married you because you are the most fascinating, the most lovable, the most
wonderful little woman in the world. [Fanny gives a sob.] As for your familyI've got a confession to make
to you, dear. I made inquiries about your family before I proposed to you. Not for my own sakebecause I
knew I'd have to answer a lot of stupid questions. It seemed to me quite a good family.
FANNY. It is! Oh, it is! There never was such a respectable family. That's why I never could get on with
them.
VERNON [laughing]. Well, you haven't got toany more. We needn't even let them know
Bennet returns.
BENNET. Robert I find has returned. It is ten minutes to seven.
VERNON. Thanks. Well, I shall be glad of a bath. [He turns to Fanny.] Bennet will send your maid to you.
[He whispers to her.] You'll soon get used to it all. As for the confounded familywe will forget all about
them. [Fanny answers with another little stifled sob. Bennet is drawing the curtains, his back to the room.
Vernon, seeing that Bennet is occupied, kisses the unresponsive Fanny and goes out.]
At the sound of the closing of the door, Fanny looks up. She goes to the door through which Vernon has just
passed, listens a moment, then returns. Bennet calmly finishes the drawing of the curtains. Then he, too,
crosses slowly till he and Fanny are facing one another across the centre of the room.
FANNY. Well, what are you going to do?
BENNET. My duty!
FANNY. What's that? Something unpleasant, I know. I can bet my bottom dollar.
BENNET. That, my girl, will depend upon you.
FANNY. How upon me?
BENNET. Whether you prove an easy or a difficult subject. To fit you for your position, a certain amount of
training will, I fancy, be necessary.
FANNY. Training! I'm to be[She draws herself up.] Are you aware who I am?
BENNET. Oh yes. AND who you were. His lordship, I take it, would hardly relish the discovery that he had
married his butler's niece. He might consider the situation awkward.
FANNY. And who's going to train me?
BENNET. I am. With the assistance of your aunt and such other members of your family as I consider can be
trusted.
FANNY [for a moment she is speechless, then she bursts out]. That ends it! I shall tell him! I shall tell him
this very moment. [She sweeps towards the door.]
BENNET. At this moment you will most likely find his lordship in his bath.
Fanny and the Servant Problem
Fanny and the Servant Problem 13
Page No 16
FANNY. I don't care! Do you thinkdo you think for a moment that I'm going to allow myselfI, Lady
Bantock, to be[Her hand upon the door.] I shall tell him, and you'll only have yourself to blame. He loves
me. He loves me for myself. I shall tell him the whole truth, and ask him to give you all the sack.
BENNET. You're not forgetting that you've already told him ONCE who you were?
[It stops her. What she really did was to leave the marriage arrangements in the hands of her business
manager, George P. Newte. As agent for a musichall star, he is ideal, but it is possible that in answering
Lord Bantock's inquiries concerning Fanny's antecedents he may not have kept strictly to the truth.]
FANNY. I never did. I've never told him anything about my family.
BENNET. Curious. I was given to understand it was rather a classy affair.
FANNY. I can't help what other people may have done. Because some silly idiot of a man may
possibly[She will try a new tack. She leaves the door and comes to him.] Uncle, dear, wouldn't it be
simpler for you all to go away? He's awfully fond of me. He'll do anything I ask him. I could merely say that
I didn't like you and get him to pension you off. You and aunt could have a little roadside inn
somewherewith ivy.
BENNET. Seeing that together with the stables and the garden there are twentythree of us
FANNY. No, of course, he couldn't pension you all. You couldn't expect
BENNET. I think his lordship might prefer to leave things as they are. Good servants nowadays are not so
easily replaced. And neither your aunt nor I are at an age when change appeals to one.
FANNY. You see, it's almost bound to creep out sooner or later, and then
BENNET. We will make it as late as possible [He crosses and rings the bell], giving you time to prove to his
lordship that you are not incapable of learning.
FANNY [she drops back on the settee. She is halfcrying.] Some people would be pleased that their niece
had married well.
BENNET. I am oldfashioned enough to think also of my duty to those I serve. If his lordship has done me
the honour to marry my niece, the least I can is to see to it that she brings no discredit to his name. [Mrs.
Bennet, followed by Jane Bennet, a severelooking woman of middle age, has entered upon the words "the
least I can do." Bennet stays them a moment with his hand while he finishes. Then he turns to his wife.] You
will be interested to find, Susannah, that the new Lady Bantock is not a stranger.
MRS. BENNET. Not a stranger! [She has reached a position from where she sees the girl.] Fanny! You
wicked girl! Where have you been all these years?
BENNET [interposing]. There will be other opportunities for the discussion of family differences. Just now,
her ladyship is waiting to dress for dinner.
MRS. BENNET [sneering]. Her ladyship!
JANE [also sneering]. I think she might have forewarned us of the honour in store for us.
Fanny and the Servant Problem
Fanny and the Servant Problem 14
Page No 17
MRS. BENNET. Yes, why didn't she write?
FANNY. Because I didn't know. Do you think[she rises]that if I had I would ever have married
himto be brought back here and put in this ridiculous position? Do you think that I am so fond of you all
that I couldn't keep away from you, at any price?
MRS. BENNET. But you must have known that Lord Bantock
FANNY. I didn't know he was Lord Bantock. I only knew him as Mr. Wetherell, an artist. He wanted to feel
sure that I was marrying him for himself alone. He never told me[Ernest Bennet, a very young footman,
has entered in answer to Bennet's ring of a minute ago. He has come forward step by step, staring all the
while openmouthed at Fanny. Turning, she sees him beside her.] Hulloa, Ernie. How are the rabbits? [She
kisses him.]
BENNET. Don't stand there gaping. I rang for some wood. Tell your brother dinner will be at a quarter to
eight.
Ernest, never speaking, still staring at Fanny, gets clumsily out again.
FANNY. Well, I suppose I'd better see about dressing? Do I dine with his lordship or in the servants' hall?
MRS. BENNET [turns to her husband]. You see! Still the old impertinence.
FANNY. Only wanted to know. My only desire is to give satisfaction.
BENNET [he moves towards the door]. You will do it by treating the matter more seriously. At dinner, by
keeping your eye upon me, you will be able to tell whether you are behaving yourself or not.
MRS. BENNET. And mind you are punctual. I have appointed Jane to be your maid.
FANNY. Jane!
MRS. BENNET [in arms]. Have you any objections?
FANNY. No, oh no, so long as you're all satisfied.
MRS. BENNET. Remember, you are no longer on the musichall stage. In dressing for Bantock Hall you
will do well to follow her advice.
Bennet, who has been waiting with the door in his hand, goes out; Mrs. Bennet follows.
JANE [in the tones of a patient executioner]. Are you ready?
FANNY. Quite ready, dear. Of courseI don't know what you will think of thembut I've only brought
modern costumes with me.
JANE [not a lady who understands satire]. We must do the best we can. [She marches outinto the
dressingroom.]
Fanny, after following a few steps, stops and thinks. Ernest has entered with the wood. He is piling it in the
basket by the fire. His entrance decides her. She glances through the open door of the dressingroom, then
Fanny and the Servant Problem
Fanny and the Servant Problem 15
Page No 18
flies across to the desk, seats herself, and begins feverishly to write a telegram.
FANNY. Ernie! [He comes across to her.] Have you still got your bicycle?
ERNEST. Yes.
FANNY. Could you get this telegram off for me before eight o'clock? I don't want it sent from the village; I
want you to take it YOURSELFinto the town. There's a sovereign for you if you do it all right.
ERNEST. I'll do it. Can only get into a row.
FANNY. Pretty used to them, ain't you? [She has risen. She gives him the telegram. She has stamped it.] Can
you read it?
ERNEST. "George P. Newte."
FANNY. Hush!
They both glance at the open door.
ERNEST [he continues in a lower voice]. "72A, Waterloo Bridge Road, London. Must see you at once. Am
at the new shop." [He looks up.]
FANNY. That's all right.
ERNEST. "Come down. Q.T. Fanny."
FANNY [nods]. Get off quietly. I'll see you again
THE VOICE OF JANE [from the dressingroom]. Are you going to keep me waiting all night?
[They start. Ernest hastily thrusts the telegram into his breast pocket.]
FANNY. Coming, dear, coming. [To Ernest] Not a word to anyone! [She hurries him out and closes door
behind him.] Merely been putting the room a bit tidy. [She is flying round collecting her outdoor garments.]
Thought it would please you. So sorry if I've kept you waiting. [Jane has appeared at door.] After you, dear.
Jane goes out again. Fanny, with her pile of luggage, follows.
[CURTAIN]
ACT II
SCENE
The same.
Time.The next morning.
The door opens. Dr. Freemantle enters, shown in by Bennet, who follows him.
Fanny and the Servant Problem
ACT II 16
Page No 19
DR. FREEMANTLE [talking as he enters]. Wonderful! Wonderful! I don't really think I ever remember so
fine a spring.
BENNET [he is making up the fire]. I'm afraid we shall have to pay for it later on.
DR. FREEMANTLE. I expect so. Law of the universe, you know, Bennet law of the universe.
Everything in this world has got to be paid for.
BENNET. Except trouble. [The doctor laughs.] The Times? [He hands it to him.]
DR. FREEMANTLE. Thanks. Thanks. [Seats himself.] Won't be long his lordship, will he?
BENNET. I don't think so. I told him you would be here about eleven.
DR. FREEMANTLE. Umwhat do you think of her?
BENNET. Ofof her ladyship?
DR. FREEMANTLE. What's she like?
BENNET. [They have sunk their voices.] Well, it might have been worse.
DR. FREEMANTLE. Ah! There's always that consolation, isn't there?
BENNET. I think her ladyshipwith MANAGEMENTmay turn out very satisfactory.
DR. FREEMANTLE. You like her?
BENNET. At present, I must say for her, she appears willing to be taught.
DR. FREEMANTLE. And you think it will last?
BENNET. I think her ladyship appreciates the peculiarity of her position. I will tell the Miss Wetherells you
are here.
DR. FREEMANTLE. Ah, thanks!
BENNET. I fancy her ladyship will not herself be visible much before lunch time. I understand she woke this
morning with a headache. [He goes out.]
The Doctor reads a moment. Then the door of the dressingroom opens, and Fanny enters. Her dress is a
wonderful contrast to her costume of last evening. It might be that of a poor and demure nursery governess.
Her hair is dressed in keeping. She hardly seems the same woman.
FANNY [seeing the Doctor, she pauses]. Oh!
DR. FREEMANTLE [rises]. I beg pardon, have I the pleasure of seeing Lady Bantock?
FANNY. Yes.
Fanny and the Servant Problem
ACT II 17
Page No 20
DR. FREEMANTLE. Delighted. May I introduce myselfDr. Freemantle? I helped your husband into the
world.
FANNY. Yes. I've heard of you. You don't mind my closing this door, do you? [Her very voice and manner
are changed.]
DR. FREEMANTLE [a little puzzled]. Not at all.
FANNY [she closes the door and returns]. Won'twon't you be seated?
DR. FREEMANTLE. Thanks. [They both sit.] How's the headache?
FANNY. Oh, it's better.
DR. FREEMANTLE. Ah! [A silence.] Forgive meI'm an old friend of the family. You're not a bit what I
expected.
FANNY. But you like it? I mean you think this[with a gesture]is all right?
DR. FREEMANTLE. My dear young lady, it's charming. You couldn't be anything else.
FANNY. Thank you.
DR. FREEMANTLE. I merely meant thatwell, I was not expecting anything so delightfully demure.
FANNY. That's the idea"seemly." The Lady Bantocks have always been "seemly"? [She puts it as a
question.]
DR. FREEMANTLE [more and more puzzled]. Yesoh, yes. They have always been[His eye catches
that of Constance, first Lady Bantock, looking down at him from above the chimneypiece. His tone
changes.] Well, yes, in their way, you know.
FANNY. You see, I'm in the difficult position of following her LATE ladyship. SHE appears to have been
exceptionally "seemly." This is her frock. I mean it WAS her frock.
DR. FREEMANTLE. God bless my soul! You are not dressing yourself up in her late ladyship's clothes?
The dear good woman has been dead and buried these twenty years.
FANNY [she looks at her dress]. Yes, it struck me as being about that period.
DR. FREEMANTLE [he goes across to her]. What's the trouble? Too much Bennet?
FANNY [she looks up. There is a suspicion of a smile]. One might saysufficient?
DR. FREEMANTLE [laughs]. Excellent servants. If they'd only remember it. [He glances roundsinks his
voice.] Take my advice. Put your foot downbefore it's too late.
FANNY. Sit down, please. [She makes room for him on the settee.] Because I'm going to be confidential.
You don't mind, do you?
Fanny and the Servant Problem
ACT II 18
Page No 21
DR. FREEMANTLE [seating himself]. My dear, I take it as the greatest compliment I have had paid to me
for years.
FANNY. You put everything so nicely. I'm two persons. I'm an angelperhaps that is too strong a word?
DR. FREEMANTLE [doubtfully]. Well
FANNY. We'll say saint. Or else I'mthe other thing.
DR. FREEMANTLE. Do you know, I think you could be.
FANNY. It's not a question about which there is any doubt.
DR. FREEMANTLE. Of course, in this case, a LITTLE bit of the devil
FANNY [she shakes her head]. There's such a lot of mine. It has always hampered me, never being able to hit
the happy medium.
DR. FREEMANTLE. It IS awkward.
FANNY. I thought I would go on being an angel
DR. FREEMANTLE. Saint.
FANNY. Sainttillwell, till it became physically impossible to be a saint any longer.
DR. FREEMANTLE. And then?
FANNY [she rises, turns to him with a gesture of halfcomic, half tragic despair]. Well, then I can't help it,
can I?
DR. FREEMANTLE. I think you're making a mistake. An explosion will undoubtedly have to take place.
That being so, the sooner it takes place the better. [He rises.] What are you afraid of?
FANNY [she changes her tonethe talk becomes serious]. You've known Vernon all his life?
DR. FREEMANTLE. No one better.
FANNY. Tell me. I've known him only as a lover. What sort of a man is he?
A pause. They are looking straight into each other's eyes.
DR. FREEMANTLE. A man it pays to be perfectly frank with.
FANNY. It's a very old family, isn't it?
DR. FREEMANTLE. Old! Good Lord no! First Lord Bantock was only Vernon's greatgrandfather. That is
the woman that did it all. [He is looking at the Hoppner.]
FANNY. How do you mean?
Fanny and the Servant Problem
ACT II 19
Page No 22
DR. FREEMANTLE. Got them their title. Made the name of Bantock of importance in the history of the
Georges. Clever woman.
FANNY [leaning over a chair, she is staring into the eyes of the first Lady Bantock]. I wonder what she
would have done if she had ever got herself into a really firstclass muddle?
DR. FREEMANTLE. One thing's certain. [Fanny turns to him.] She'd have got out of it.
FANNY [addresses the portrait]. I do wish you could talk.
Vernon bursts into the room. He has been riding. He throws aside his hat and stick.
VERNON. Hulloa! This is good of you. [He shakes hands with the Doctor.] How are you? [Without waiting
for any reply, he goes to Fanny, kisses her.] Good morning, dear. How have you been getting on together,
you two? Has she been talking to you?
DR. FREEMANTLE. Oh, yes.
VERNON. Doesn't she talk well? I say, what have you been doing to yourself?
FANNY. Jane thought this style[with a gesture]more appropriate to Lady Bantock.
VERNON. Um! Wonder if she's right? [To the Doctor] What do you think?
DR. FREEMANTLE. I think it a question solely for Lady Bantock.
VERNON. Of course it is. [To Fanny] You know, you mustn't let them dictate to you. Dear, good, faithful
souls, all of them. But they must understand that you are mistress.
FANNY [she seizes eagerly at the chance]. You might mention it to them, dear. It would come so much
better from you.
VERNON. No, you. They will take more notice of you.
FANNY. I'd so much rather you did it. [To Dr. Freemantle] Don't you think it would come better from him?
DR. FREEMANTLE [laughs]. I'm afraid you'll have to do it yourself.
VERNON. You see, dear, it might hurt them, coming from me. It would seem like ingratitude. Mrs.
BennetWhy, it wasn't till I began to ask questions that I grasped the fact that she WASN'T my real mother.
As for old Bennet, ever since my father diedwell, I hardly know how I could have got on without him. It
was Charles Bennet that taught me to ride; I learned my letters sitting on Jane's lap.
FANNY. Yes. Perhaps I had better do it myself.
VERNON. I'm sure it will be more effective. Of course I shall support you.
FANNY. Thank you. Oh, by the by, dear, I shan't be able to go with you today.
VERNON. Why not?
Fanny and the Servant Problem
ACT II 20
Page No 23
FANNY. I've rather a headache.
VERNON. Oh, I'm so sorry. Oh, all right, we'll stop at home. I'm not so very keen about it.
FANNY. No, I want you to go, dear. Your aunts are looking forward to it. I shall get over it all the sooner
with everybody out of the way.
VERNON. Well, if you really wish it.
The Misses Wetherell steal in. They are dressed for driving. They exchange greetings with the Doctor.
FANNY. You know you promised to obey. [Tickles his nose with a flower.]
VERNON [laughingto the Doctor]. You see what it is to be married?
DR. FREEMANTLE [laughs]. Very trying.
VERNON [turning to his aunts]. Fanny isn't coming with us.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL [to Fanny]. Oh, my dear!
FANNY. It's only a headache. [She takes her aside.] I'm rather glad of it. I want an excuse for a little time to
myself.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. I understand, dear. It's all been so sudden. [She kisses herthen
to the room] She'll be all the better alone. We three will go on. [She nods and signs to her sister.]
FANNY [kissing the Elder Miss Wetherell]. Don't you get betting.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. Oh no, dear, we never do. It's just to see the dear horses. [She joins
her sister. They whisper.]
VERNON [to the Doctor to whom he has been talking]. Can we give you a lift?
DR. FREEMANTLE. Well, you might as far as the Vicarage. Goodbye, Lady Bantock.
FANNY [shaking hands]. Goodbye, Doctor.
VERNON. Sure you won't be lonely?
FANNY [laughs]. Think I can't exist an hour without you? Mr. Conceited!
VERNON [laughs and kisses her]. Come along. [He takes the Doctor and his younger Aunt towards the
door.]
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL [who is following last]. I like you in that frock.
FANNY [laughs]. So glad. It's Ernest who attends to the fires, isn't it?
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. Yes, dear.
Fanny and the Servant Problem
ACT II 21
Page No 24
FANNY. I wish you'd send him up. [At doorcalls after them] Hope you'll all enjoy yourselves!
VERNON [from the distance]. I shall put you on a fiver.
FANNY. Mind it wins. [She listens a momentcloses door, comes back to desk, and takes a Bradshaw.]
Fivesixthreefivesixthree. [Finds page.] St. Pancras, eight o'clock. Oh, Lord! Stamford, 10.45. Leave
Stamford[Ernest has entered.] Is that you, Ernest?
ERNEST. Yes.
FANNY. Shut the door. Sure it went off last night, that telegram?
ERNEST. Yes.
FANNY. If he doesn't catch that eight o'clock, he can't get here till nearly four. That will be awkward. [To
Ernest] What time is it now?
ERNEST [looks at clock]. Twenty past eleven.
FANNY. If he does, he'll be here about twelveI believe I'll go and meet him. Could I get out without being
seen?
ERNEST. You'll have to pass the lodge.
FANNY. Who's at the lodge now?
ERNEST. Mother.
FANNY. Damn!
Bennet has entered unnoticed and drawn near. At this point from behind, he boxes Ernest's ears.
ERNEST. Here, steady!
BENNET. On the occasions when your cousin forgets her position, you will remember it and remind her of
it. Get out! [Ernest, clumsily as ever, "gets out."] A sort of person has called who, according to his own
account, "happened to be passing this way," and would like to see you.
FANNY [who has been trying to hide the Bradshawwith affected surprise.] To see me!
BENNET [drily]. Yes. I thought you would be surprised. He claims to be an old friend of yoursMr.
George Newte.
FANNY [still keeping it up]. George Newte! Of courseah, yes. Do you mind showing him up?
BENNET. I thought I would let you know he had arrived, in case you might be getting anxious about him. I
propose giving him a glass of beer and sending him away again.
FANNY [flares up]. Look here, uncle, you and I have got to understand one another. I may put up with being
bullied myselfif I can't see any help for itbut I'm not going to stand my friends being insulted. You show
Mr. Newte up here.
Fanny and the Servant Problem
ACT II 22
Page No 25
A silence.
BENNET. I shall deem it my duty to inform his lordship of Mr. Newte's visit.
FANNY. There will be no need to. Mr. Newte, if his arrangements permit, will be staying to dinner.
BENNET. That, we shall see about. [He goes out.]
FANNY [following him to door]. And tell them I shall want the best bedroom got ready in case Mr. Newte is
able to stay the night. I've done it. [She goes to piano, dashes into the "Merry Widow Waltz," or some other
equally inappropriate but wellknown melody, and then there enters Newte, shown in by Bennet. Newte is a
cheerful person, attractively dressed in clothes suggestive of a successful bookmaker. He carries a white pot
hat and tasselled cane. His gloves are large and bright. He is smoking an enormous cigar.]
BENNET. Mr. Newte.
FANNY [she springs up and greets him. They are evidently good friends] . Hulloa, George!
NEWTE. Hulloa, FanI beg your pardon, Lady Bantock. [Laughs.] Was just passing this way
FANNY [cutting him short]. Yes. So nice of you to call.
NEWTE. I said to myself[His eye catches Bennet; he stops.] Ah, thanks. [He gives Bennet his hat and
stick, but Bennet does not seem satisfied. He has taken from the table a small china tray. This he is holding
out to Newte, evidently for Newte to put something in it. But what? Newte is puzzled, he glances at Fanny.
The idea strikes him that perhaps it is a tip Bennet is waiting for. It seems odd, but if it be the customhe
puts his hand to his trousers pocket.]
BENNET. The smokingroom is on the groundfloor.
NEWTE. Ah, my cigar. I beg your pardon. I couldn't understand. [He puts it on the traybreaks into a
laugh.]
BENNET. Thank you. Her ladyship is suffering from a headache. If I might suggesta little less
boisterousness. [He goes out.]
NEWTE [he watches him out]. I say, your Lord Chamberlain's a bit of a freezer!
FANNY. Yes. Wants hanging out in the sun. How did you manage to get here so early? [She sits.]
NEWTE. Well, your telegram rather upset me. I thoughtcorrect etiquette for me to sit down here, do you
think?
FANNY. Don't ask me. Got enough new tricks of my own to learn. [Laughs.] Should chance it, if I were you.
NEWTE. Such a long time since I was at Court. [He sits.] Yes, I was up at five o'clock this morning.
FANNY [laughs]. Oh, you poor fellow!
NEWTE. Caught the first train to Melton, and came on by cart. What's the trouble?
Fanny and the Servant Problem
ACT II 23
Page No 26
FANNY. A good deal. Why didn't you tell me what I was marrying?
NEWTE. I did. I told you that he was a gentleman; that he
FANNY. Why didn't you tell me that he was Lord Bantock? You knew, didn't you?
NEWTE [begins to see worries ahead]. Can't object to my putting a cigar in my mouth if I don't light itcan
he?
FANNY. Oh, light itanything you like that will help you to get along.
NEWTE [bites the end off the cigar and puts it between his teeth. This helps him]. No, I didn't knownot
officially.
FANNY. What do you mean"not officially"?
NEWTE. He never told me.
FANNY. He never told you ANYTHINGfor the matter of that. I understood you had found out everything
for yourself.
NEWTE. Yes; and one of the things I found out was that he didn't WANT you to know. I could see his little
game. Wanted to play the Lord Burleigh fake. Well, what was the harm? Didn't make any difference to you!
FANNY. Didn't make any difference to me! [Jumps up.] Do you know what I've done? Married into a family
that keeps twentythree servants, every blessed one of whom is a near relation of my own. [He sits paralysed.
She goes on.] That baldheaded old owl[with a wave towards the door]that wanted to send you off with
a glass of beer and a flea in your earthat's my uncle. The woman that opened the lodge gate for you is my
Aunt Amelia. The carrotyheaded young man that answered the door to you is my cousin Simeon. He always
used to insist on kissing me. I'm expecting him to begin again. My "lady's" maid is my cousin Jane. That's
why I'm dressed like this! My own clothes have been packed off to the local dressmaker to be made "decent."
Meanwhile, they've dug up the family vault to find something for me to go on with. [He has been fumbling in
all his pockets for matches. She snatches a box from somewhere and flings it to him.] For Heaven's sake light
it! Then, perhaps, you'll be able to do something else than stare. I have claret and watermixed with my
dinner. Uncle pours it out for me. They've locked up my cigarettes. Aunt Susannah is coming in tomorrow
morning to hear me say my prayers. Doesn't trust me by myself. Thinks I'll skip them. She's the housekeeper
here. I've got to know them by heart before I go to bed tonight, and now I've mislaid them. [She goes to the
deskhunts for them.]
NEWTE [having lighted his eternal cigar, he can begin to think]. But why should THEY
FANNY [still at desk]. Because they're that sort. They honestly think they are doing the right and proper
thingthat Providence has put it into their hands to turn me out a passable substitute for all a Lady Bantock
should be; which, so far as I can understand, is something between the late lamented Queen Victoria and
GoodyTwo Shoes. They are the people that I ran away from, the people I've told you about, the people I've
always said I'd rather starve than ever go back to. And here I am, plumped down in the midst of them
againfor life! [Honoria Bennet, the "stillroom" maid, has entered. She is a pert young minx of about
Fanny's own age.] What is is? What is it?
HONORIA. Merely passing through. Sorry to have excited your ladyship. [Goes into dressingroom.]
Fanny and the Servant Problem
ACT II 24
Page No 27
FANNY. My cousin Honoria. They've sent her up to keep an eye upon me. Little cat! [She takes her
handkerchief, drapes it over the keyhole of the dressingroom door.]
NEWTE [at sight of Honoria he has jumped up and hastily hidden his cigar behind him]. What are you going
to do?
FANNY [she seats herself and suggests to him the writingchair]. Hear from youfirst of allexactly what
you told Vernon.
NEWTE [sitting]. About you?
FANNY [nods]. About meand my family.
NEWTE. Wellcouldn't tell him much, of course. Wasn't much to tell.
FANNY. I want what you did tell.
NEWTE. I told him that your late father was a musician.
FANNY. Yes.
NEWTE. Had been unfortunate. Didn't go into particulars. Didn't seem to be any need for it. That your
mother had died when you were still only a girl and that you had gone to live with relatives. [He looks for
approval.]
FANNY. Yes.
NEWTE. That you hadn't got on well with themartistic temperament, all that sort of thingthat, in
consequence, you had appealed to your father's old theatrical friends; and that theythat they, having regard
to your talentand beauty
FANNY. Thank you.
NEWTE. Had decided that the best thing you could do was to go upon the stage. [He finishes, tolerably well
pleased with himself.]
FANNY. That's all right. Very good indeed. What else?
NEWTE [after an uncomfortable pause]. Well, that's about all I knew.
FANNY. Yes, but what did you TELL him?
NEWTE. Well, of course, I had to tell him something. A man doesn't marry without knowing just a little
about his wife's connections. Wouldn't be reasonable to expect him. You'd never told me anything never
would; except that you'd liked to have boiled the lot. What was I to do? [He is playing with a quill pen he has
picked up.]
FANNY [she takes it from him]. What DID you do?
NEWTE [with fine frankness]. I did the best I could for you, old girl, and he was very nice about it. Said it
was better than he'd expected, and that I'd made him very happyvery happy indeed.
Fanny and the Servant Problem
ACT II 25
Page No 28
FANNY [she leans across, puts her hand on his]. You're a dear, good fellow, Georgealways have been. I
wouldn't plague you only it is absolutely necessary I should knowexactly what you did tell him.
NEWTE [a little sulkily]. I told him that your uncle was a bishop.
FANNY [sits backstaring at him]. A what?
NEWTE. A bishop. Bishop of Waiapu, New Zealand.
FANNY. Why New Zealand?
NEWTE. Why not? Had to be somewhere. Didn't want him Archbishop of Canterbury, did you?
FANNY. Did he believe it?
NEWTE. Shouldn't have told him had there been any fear that he wouldn't.
FANNY. I see. Any other swell relations of mine knocking about?
NEWTE. Onea judge of the Supreme Court in Ohio. Same name, anyhow, O'Gorman. Thought I'd make
him a cousin of yours. I've always remembered him. Met him when I was over there in ninety eightdamn
him!
A silence.
FANNY [she rises]. Well, nothing else for it! Got to tell him it was all a pack of lies. Not blaming you, old
boymy fault. Didn't know he was going to ask any questions, or I'd have told him myself. Bit of bad luck,
that's all.
NEWTE. Why must you tell him? Only upset him.
FANNY. It's either my telling him or leaving it for them to do. You know me, George. How long do you see
me being bossed and bullied by my own servants? Besides, it's bound to come out in any case.
NEWTE [he rises. Kindly but firmly he puts her back into her chair. Then pacing to and fro with his hands
mostly in his trousers pockets, he talks]. Now, you listen to me, old girl. I've been your business manager
ever since you started in. I've never made a mistake before [he turns and faces her]and I haven't made
one this time.
FANNY. I don't really see the smartness, George, stuffing him up with a lot of lies he can find out for
himself.
NEWTE. IF HE WANTS TO. A couple of telegrams, one to His Grace the Bishop of Waiapu, the other to
Judge Denis O'Gorman, Columbus, Ohio, would have brought him back the information that neither
gentlemen had ever heard of you. IF HE HADN'T BEEN CAREFUL NOT TO SEND THEM. He wasn't
marrying you with the idea of strengthening his family connections. He was marrying you because he was
just gone on you. Couldn't help himself.
FANNY. In that case, you might just as well have told him the truth.
Fanny and the Servant Problem
ACT II 26
Page No 29
NEWTE. WHICH HE WOULD THEN HAVE HAD TO PASS ON TO EVERYONE ENTITLED TO ASK
QUESTIONS. Can't you understand? Somebody, in the interest of everybody, had to tell a lie. Well, what's a
business manager for?
FANNY. But I can't do it, George. You don't know them. The longer I give in to them the worse they'll get.
NEWTE. Can't you square them?
FANNY. No, that's the trouble. They ARE honest. They're the "faithful retainers" out of a melodrama. They
are working eighteen hours a day on me not for any advantage to themselves, but because they think it their
"duty" to the family. They don't seem to have any use for themselves at all.
NEWTE. Well, what about the boy? Can't HE talk to them?
FANNY. Vernon! They've brought him up from a babyspanked him all round, I expect. Might as well ask
a boy to talk to his old schoolmaster. Besides, if he did talk, then it would all come out. As I tell you, it's
bound to come outand the sooner the better.
NEWTE. It must NOT come out! It's too late. If we had told him at the beginning that he was proposing to
marry into his own butler's familywell, it's an awkward situationhe might have decided to risk it. Or he
might have cried off.
FANNY. And a good job if he had.
NEWTE. Now talk sense. You wanted himyou took a fancy to him from the beginning. He's a nice boy,
and there's something owing to him. [It is his trump card, and he knows it.] Don't forget that. He's been busy,
explaining to all his friends and relations why they should receive you with open arms: really nice girl, born
gentlewoman, good old Church of England familyno objection possible. For you to spring the truth upon
him NOWwell, it doesn't seem to me quite fair to HIM.
FANNY. Then am I to live all my life dressed as a charity girl?
NEWTE. You keep your head and things will gradually right themselves. This family of yoursthey've got
SOME sense, I suppose?
FANNY. Never noticed any sign of it myself.
NEWTE. Maybe you're not a judge. [Laughs.] They'll listen to reason. You let ME have a talk to them, one
of these days; see if I can't show themfirst one and then the otherthe advantage of leaving to "better"
themselvesWITH THE HELP OF A LITTLE READY MONEY. Later onchoosing your proper
timeyou can break it to him that you have discovered they're distant connections of yours, a younger
branch of the family that you'd forgotten. Give the show time to settle down into a run. Then you can begin to
make changes.
FANNY. You've a wonderful way with you, George. It always sounds right as you put iteven when one
jolly well knows that it isn't.
NEWTE. Well, it's always been right for you, old girl, ain't it?
FANNY. Yes. You've been a rattling good friend. [She takes his hands.] Almost wish I'd married you instead.
We'd have been more suited to one another.
Fanny and the Servant Problem
ACT II 27
Page No 30
NEWTE [shakes his head]. Nothing like having your fancy. You'd never have been happy without him. [He
releases her.] 'Twas a good engagement, or I'd never have sanctioned it.
FANNY. I suppose it will be the last one you will ever get me. [She has dropped for a moment into a brown
study.]
NEWTE [he turns]. I hope so.
FANNY [she throws off her momentary mood with a laugh]. Poor fellow! You never even got your
commission.
NEWTE. I'll take ten per cent. of all your happiness, old girl. So make it as much as you can for my benefit.
Goodbye. [He holds out hand.]
FANNY. You're not going? You'll stop to lunch?
NEWTE. Not today.
FANNY. Do. If you don't, they'll think it's because I was frightened to ask you.
NEWTE. All the better. The more the other party thinks he's having his way, the easier always to get your
own. Your trouble is, you know, that you never had any tact.
FANNY. I hate tact. [Newte laughs.] We could have had such a jolly little lunch together. I'm all alone till the
evening. There were ever so many things I wanted to talk to you about.
NEWTE. What?
FANNY. Ah, how can one talk to a man with his watch in his hand? [He puts it away and stands waiting, but
she is cross.] I think you're very disagreeable.
NEWTE. I must really get back to town. I oughtn't to be away now, only your telegram
FANNY. I know. I'm an ungrateful little beast! [She crosses and rings bell.] You'll have a glass of
champagne before you go?
NEWTE. Well, I won't say no to that.
FANNY. How are all the girls?
NEWTE. Oh, chirpy. I'm bringing them over to London. We open at the Palace next week.
FANNY. What did they think of my marriage? Gerty was a bit jealous, wasn't she?
NEWTE. Well, would have been, if she'd known who he was. [Laughs.]
FANNY. Tell her. Tell her [she draws herself up] I'm Lady Bantock, of Bantock Hall, Rutlandshire. It will
make her so mad. [Laughs.]
NEWTE [laughs]. I will.
Fanny and the Servant Problem
ACT II 28
Page No 31
FANNY. Give them all my love. [Ernest appears in answer to her bell.] Oh, Ernest, tell Bennet[the eyes
and mouth of Ernest open] to see that Mr. Newte has some refreshment before he leaves. A glass of
champagne andand some caviare. Don't forget. [Ernest goes out.] Goodbye. You'll come again?
NEWTE. Whenever you want meand rememberthe watchword is "Tact"!
FANNY. Yes, I've got the WORD all right. [Laughs.] Don't forget to give my love to the girls.
NEWTE. I won't. So long! [He goes out.]
Fanny closes the door. Honoria has reentered from the dressing room. She looks from the handkerchief
still hanging over the keyhole to Fanny.
HONORIA. Your ladyship's handkerchief?
FANNY. Yes. Such a draught through that keyhole.
HONORIA [takes the handkerchief, hands it to Fanny]. I will tell the housekeeper.
FANNY. Thanks. Maybe you will also mention it to the butler. Possibly also to the[She suddenly
changes.] Honoria. Suppose it had been youyou know, you're awfully prettywho had married Lord
Bantock, and he had brought you back here, among them alluncle, aunt, all the lot of themwhat would
you have done?
HONORIA [she draws herself up]. I should have made it quite plain from the first, that I was mistress, and
that they were my servants.
FANNY. You would, you think
HONORIA [checking her outburst]. But then, dearyou will excuse my speaking plainlythere is a slight
difference between the two cases. [She seats herself on the settee. Fanny is standing near the desk.] You see,
what we all feel about you, dear, isthat you arewell, hardly a fit wife for his lordship. [Fanny's hands are
itching to box the girl's ears. To save herself, she grinds out through her teeth the word "Tack!"] Of course,
dear, it isn't altogether your fault.
FANNY. Thanks.
HONORIA. Your mother's marriage was most unfortunate.
FANNY [her efforts to suppress her feelings are justbut only just successful.] Need we discuss that?
HONORIA. Well, he was an Irishman, dear, there's no denying it. [Fanny takes a cushion from a
chairwith her back to Honoria, she strangles it. Jane has entered and is listening.] Still, perhaps it is a
painful subject. And we hopeall of usthat, with time and patience, we may succeed in eradicating the
natural results of your bringingup.
JANE. Some families, finding themselves in our position, would seek to turn it to their own advantage. WE
think only of your good.
FANNY. Yes, that's what I feelthat you are worrying yourselves too much about me. You're too
conscientious, all of you. You, in particular, Jane, because you know you're not strong. YOU'LL end up with
Fanny and the Servant Problem
ACT II 29
Page No 32
a nervous breakdown. [Mrs. Bennet has entered. Honoria slips out. Fanny turns to her aunt.] I was just saying
how anxious I'm getting about Jane. I don't like the look of her at all. What she wants is a holiday. Don't you
agree with me?
MRS. BENNET. There will be no holiday, I fear, for any of us, for many a long day.
FANNY. But you must. You must think more of yourselves, you know. YOU'RE not looking well, aunt, at
all. What you both want is a monthat the seaside.
MRS. BENNET. Your object is too painfully apparent for the subject to need discussion. True solicitude for
us would express itself better in greater watchfulness upon your own behaviour.
FANNY. Why, what have I done?
Bennet enters, followed, unwillingly, by Ernest.
MRS. BENNET. Your uncle will explain.
BENNET. Shut that door. [Ernest does so. They group round Bennet Ernest a little behind. Fanny remains
near the desk.] Sit down. [Fanny, bewildered, speechless, sits.] Carry your mind back, please, to the moment
when, with the Bradshaw in front of you, you were considering, with the help of your cousin Ernest, the
possibility of your slipping out unobserved, to meet and commune with a person you had surreptitiously
summoned to visit you during your husband's absence.
FANNY. While I think of it, did he have anything to eat before he went? I told Ernest toask you to see that
he had a glass of champagne and a
BENNET [waves her back into silence]. Mr. Newte was given refreshment suitable to his station. [She goes
to interrupt. Again he waves her back.] We are speaking of more important matters. Your cousin reminded
you that you would have to pass the lodge, occupied by your Aunt Amelia. I state the case correctly?
FANNY. Beautifully!
BENNET. I said nothing at the time, doubting the evidence of my own ears. The boy, howeverwhere is
the boy?[Ernest is pushed forward]has admittedreluctantlythat he also heard it. [A pause. The
solemnity deepens.] You made use of an expression
FANNY. Oh, cut it short. I said "damn." [A shudder passes.] I'm sorry to have frightened you, but if you
knew a little more of really good society, you would know that ladiesquite slapup ladieswhen they're
excited, do.
MRS. BENNET [interrupting with almost a scream]. She defends it!
BENNET. You will allow ME to be the judge of what a LADY says, even when she is excited. As for this
man, Newte
FANNY. The best friend you ever had. [She is "up" again.] You thank your stars, all of you, and tell the
others, too, the whole blessed twentythree of youyou thank your stars that I did "surreptitiously" beg and
pray him to run down by the first train and have a talk with me; and that Providence was kind enough to
YOU to enable him to come. It's a very different tune you'd have been singing at this momentall of
youif he hadn't. I can tell you that.
Fanny and the Servant Problem
ACT II 30
Page No 33
MRS. BENNET. And pray, what tune SHOULD we have been singing if Providence hadn't been so
thoughtful of us?
FANNY [she is about to answer, then checks herself, and sits again]. You take care you don't find out.
There's time yet.
MRS. BENNET. We had better leave her.
BENNET. Threats, my good girl, will not help you.
MRS. BENNET [with a laugh]. She's in too tight a corner for that.
BENNET. A contrite heart is what your aunt and I desire to see. [He takes from his pocket a small book,
places it open on the desk.] I have marked one or two passages, on pages 937. We will discuss them
togetherlater in the day.
They troop out in silence, the key turns in the lock.
FANNY [takes up the bookturns to the cover, reads]. "The Sinner's Manual." [She turns to page 93.]
[CURTAIN]
ACT III
SCENE
The same.
Time.A few days later.
A table is laid for tea. Ernest enters with the teaurn. He leaves the door open; through it comes the sound of
an harmonium, accompanying the singing of a hymn. Fanny comes from her dressing room. She is dressed
more cheerfully than when we last saw her, but still "seemly." She has a book in her hand. She pauses,
hearing the music, goes nearer to the open door, and listens; then crosses and takes her place at the table. The
music ceases.
FANNY. Another prayer meeting? [Ernest nods.] I do keep 'em busy.
ERNEST. D'ye know what they call you downstairs?
FANNY. What?
ERNEST. The family cross.
FANNY. I'm afraid it's about right.
ERNEST. What have you been doing THIS time? Swearing again?
FANNY. Worse. I've been lying. [Ernest gives vent to a low whistle.] Said I didn't know what had become of
that yellow poplin with the black lace flounces, that they've had altered for me. Found out that I'd given it to
Fanny and the Servant Problem
ACT III 31
Page No 34
old Mother Potts for the rummage sale at the Vicarage. Jane was down there. Bought it in for half a crown.
ERNEST. You are risky. Why, you might have known
Vernon comes in. He is in golfing getup. He throws his cap on to the settee.
VERNON. Hello, got a cup of tea there?
Ernest goes out.
FANNY. Yes. Thought you were playing golf?
VERNON. Just had a telegram handed to me in the villagefrom your friend Newte. Wants me to meet him
at Melton Station at five o'clock. [Looks at his watch.] Know what he wants?
FANNY. Haven't the faintest idea. [She hands him his cup.] Is he coming HERE? Or merely on his way
somewhere?
VERNON. I don't know; he doesn't say.
FANNY. Don't let him mix you up in any of his "ventures." Dear old George, he's as honest as the day, but if
he gets hold of an "idea" there's always thousands in it for everybody.
VERNON. I'll be careful. [Ernest has left the door open. The harmonium breaks forth again, together with
vocal accompaniment as before.] What's on downstairs, thena party?
FANNY. Bennet is holding a prayer meeting.
VERNON. A prayer meeting?
FANNY. One of the younger members of the family has been detected "telling a deliberate lie." [Vernon is
near the door listening, with his back towards her, or he would see that she is smiling.] Black sheep, I
suppose, to be found in every flock. [Music ceases, Ernest having arrived with the news of his lordship's
return.]
VERNON [returning to the table, having closed the door]. Good old man, you know, Bennet. All of them! So
highprincipled! Don't often get servants like that, nowadays.
FANNY. Seems almost selfish, keeping the whole collection to ourselves.
VERNON [laughs]. 'Pon my word it does. But what can we do? They'll never leave usnot one of them.
FANNY. No, I don't believe they ever will.
VERNON. Do you know, I sometimes think that you don't like them. [Fanny makes a movement.] Of course,
they are a bit bossy, I admit. But all that comes from their devotion, their
FANNY. The wonder to me is that, brought up among them, admiring them as you do, you never thought of
marrying one of them.
VERNON [staggered.] Marrying them?
Fanny and the Servant Problem
ACT III 32
Page No 35
FANNY. I didn't say "them." I said "ONE of them." There's Honoria. She's pretty enough, anyhow. So's
Alice, Charles Bennet's daughter, and Bertha and Graceall of them beautiful. And what's even better
stillgood. [She says it viciously.] Didn't you ever think of them?
VERNON. Well [laughs]well, one hardly marries into one's own kitchen.
FANNY. Isn't that rather snobbish? You say they're more like friends than servants. They've lived with your
people, side by side, for three generations, doing their duty, honourably. There's never been a slur upon their
name. They're "highprincipled." You know it. They've better manners than ninetenths of your smart
society, and they're healthy. What's wrong with themeven from a lord's point of view?
VERNON [recovering himself]. Well, don't pitch into me about it. It's your fault if I didn't marry themI
mean one of them. [He laughs, puts his empty cup back on the table.] Maybe I'd have thought about itif I
hadn't met you.
FANNY [takes his hand in hers]. I wish you hadn't asked Newte any questions about me. It would have been
so nice to feel that you had married mejust because you couldn't help itjust because I was I and nothing
else mattered.
VERNON. Let's forget I ever did. [He kneels beside her.] I didn't do it for my own sake, as you know. A
MAN in my position has to think of other people. His wife has to take her place in society. People insist upon
knowing something about her. It's not enough for the stupid "County" that she's the cleverest, most
bewilderingly beautiful, bewitching lady in the land.
FANNY. And how long will you think all that?
VERNON. For ever, and ever, and ever.
FANNY. Oh, you dear boy. [She kisses him.] You don't know how a woman loves the man she loves to love
her. [Laughs.] Isn't that complicated?
VERNON. Not at all. We're just the same. We love to love the woman we love.
FANNY. Provided the "County" will let us. And the County has said: A man may not marry his butler's
niece.
VERNON [laughing]. You've got butlers on the brain. If ever I do run away with my own cook or
underhousemaid, it will be your doing.
FANNY. You haven't the pluck! The "County" would laugh at you. You men are so frightened of being
laughed at.
VERNON [he rises]. Well, if it saves us from making asses of ourselves
FANNY. Wasn't there a niece of old Bennet's, a girl who had been brought up abroad, and who WASN'T a
domestic servantnever had been who stayed with them here, at the gardener's cottage, for a short time,
some few years ago?
VERNON. You mean poor Rose Bennet's daughterthe one who ran away and married an organgrinder.
FANNY. An organgrinder?
Fanny and the Servant Problem
ACT III 33
Page No 36
VERNON. Something of that sortyes. They had her over; did all they could. A crazy sort of girl; used to
sing French ballads on the village green to all the farm labourers she could collect. Shortened poor Bennet's
life by about ten years. [Laughs.] But why? Not going to bully me for not having fallen in love with her, are
you? Because that really WASN'T my fault. I never even saw her. 'Twas the winter we spent in Rome. She
bolted before we got back. Never gave me a chance.
FANNY. I accept the excuse. [Laughs.] No, I was merely wondering what the "County" would have done if
by any chance you had married HER. Couldn't have said you were marrying into your own kitchen in her
case, because she was never IN your kitchenabsolutely refused to enter it, I'm told.
VERNON [laughs]. It would have been a "nice point," as they say in legal circles. If people had liked her,
they'd have tried to forget that her cousins had ever been scullerymaids. If not, they'd have taken good care
that nobody did.
Bennet enters. He brings some cut flowers, with the "placing" of which he occupies himself.
BENNET. I did not know your lordship had returned.
VERNON. Found a telegram waiting for me in the village. What's become of that niece of yours,
Bennetyour sister Rose's daughter, who was here for a short time and ran away again? Ever hear anything
about her?
BENNET [very quietly he turns, lets his eyes for a moment meet Fanny's. Then answers as he crosses to the
windows]. The last I heard about her was that she was married.
VERNON. Satisfactorily?
BENNET. Looking at it from her point of viewmost satisfactorily.
VERNON [laughs]. But looking at it from hismore doubtful?
BENNET. She was not without her attractions. Her chief faults, I am inclined to think, were those arising
from want of discipline in youth. I have hopes that it is not even yet too late to root out from her nature the
weeds of indiscretion.
VERNON. And you think he is the man to do it?
BENNET. Perhaps not. But fortunately there are those about her fully alive to the duty devolving upon them.
VERNON. Um. Sounds a little bit like penal servitude for the poor girl, the way you put it, Bennet.
BENNET. Even penal servitude may be a blessing, if it serves to correct a stubborn spirit.
VERNON. We'll have to make you a J.P., Bennet. Must be jolly careful I don't ever get tried before you.
[Laughs.] Is that the cart?
BENNET [he looks out through the window]. Yes, your lordship.
VERNON [he takes up his cap]. I may be bringing someone back with me. [To Fanny, who throughout has
remained seated.] Why not put on your hatcome with me?
Fanny and the Servant Problem
ACT III 34
Page No 37
FANNY [she jumps up, delighted]. Shall I?
BENNET. Your ladyship is not forgetting that today is Wednesday?
FANNY. What's the odds. There's nobody to call. Everybody is still in town.
BENNET. It has always been the custom of the Lady Bantocks, when in residence, to be at home on
Wednesdays.
VERNON. Perhaps better not. It may cause talk; if, by chance, anybody does come. I was forgetting it was
Wednesday. [Fanny sits again.] I shan't do anything without consulting you. Goodbye.
FANNY. Goodbye.
Vernon goes out.
BENNET. You think it wise, discussing with his lordship the secret history of the Bennet family?
FANNY. What do you mean by telling him my father was an organ grinder? If the British public knew the
difference between music and a hurdygurdy, he would have kept a butler of his own.
BENNET. I am not aware of having mentioned to his lordship that you ever to my knowledge even had a
father. It is not my planfor the present at all eventsto inform his lordship anything about your family.
Take care I am not forced to.
FANNY. Because my father, a composer who had his work performed at the Lamoureux Concertsas I can
prove, because I've got the programmehad the misfortune to marry into a family of lackeysI'm not
talking about my mother: she was never really one of you. SHE had the soul of an artist.
BENNET [white with suppressed fury; he is in front of her; his very look is enough to silence her]. Now you
listen to me, my girl, once and for all. I told you the night of your arrival that whether this business was going
to prove a pleasant or an unpleasant one depended upon you. You make it an easy onefor your own sake.
With one word I can bring your house of cards about your ears. I've only to tell him the truth for him to know
you as a cheat and liar. [She goes to speak; again he silences her.] You listen to me. You've seen fit to use
strong language; now I'm using strong language. This BOY, who has married you in a moment of impulse,
what does HE know about the sort of wife a man in his position needs? What do YOU? made to sing for your
living on the Paris boulevardswhose only acquaintance with the upper classes has been at shady
restaurants.
FANNY. He didn't WANT a woman of his own class. He told me so. It was because I wasn't a colourless,
conventional puppet with a book of etiquette in place of a soul that he was first drawn towards me.
BENNET. Yes. At twentytwo, boys like unconventionality. Men don't: they've learnt its true name,
vulgarity. Do you think I've stood behind English society for forty years without learning anything about it!
What you call a colourless puppet is what WE call an English lady. And that you've got to learn to be. You
talk of "lackeys." If your mother, my poor sister Rose, came from a family of "lackeys" there would be no
hope for you. With her blood in your veins the thing can be done. We Bennets[he draws himself up]we
serve. We are not lackeys.
FANNY. All right. Don't you call my father an organgrinder, and I won't call you lackeys. Unfortunately
that doesn't end the trouble.
Fanny and the Servant Problem
ACT III 35
Page No 38
BENNET. The trouble can easily be ended.
FANNY. Yes. By my submitting to be ruled in all things for the remainder of my life by my own servants.
BENNET. Say "relations," and it need not sound so unpleasant.
FANNY. Yes, it would. It would sound worse. One can get rid of one's servants. [She has crossed towards
the desk. Her chequebook lies there half hidden under other papers. It catches her eye. Her hand steals
unconsciously towards it. She taps it idly with her fingers. It is all the work of a moment. Nothing comes of
it. Just the idea passes through her brainnot for the first time. She does nothing noticeablemerely stands
listless while one might count half a dozenthen turns to him again.] Don't you think you're going it a bit
too strong, all of you? I'm not a fool. I've got a lot to learn, I know. I'd be grateful for help. What you're trying
to do is to turn me into a new woman entirely.
BENNET. Because that is the only WAY to help you. Men do not put new wine into old bottles.
FANNY. Oh, don't begin quoting Scripture. I want to discuss the thing sensibly. Don't you see it can't be
done? I can't be anybody else than myself. I don't want to.
BENNET. My girl, you've GOT to be. Root and branch, inside and outside, before you're fit to be Lady
Bantock, mother of the Lord Bantocks that are to be, you've got to be a changed woman.
A pause.
FANNY. And it's going to be your job, from beginning to endyours and the rest of you. What I wear and
how I look is Jane's affair. My prayers will be for what Aunt Susannah thinks I stand in need of. What I eat
and drink and say and do YOU will arrange for me. And when you die, Cousin Simeon, I suppose, will take
your place. And when Aunt Susannah dies, it will merely be a change to Aunt Amelia. And if Jane ever dies,
Honoria will have the dressing and the lecturing of me. And so on and so on, world without end, for ever and
ever, Amen.
BENNET. Before that time, you will, I shall hope, have learnt sufficient sense to be grateful to us. [He goes
out.]
FANNY [she turnswalks slowly back towards the teatable. Halfway she pauses, and leaning over the
back of a chair regards in silence for a while the portrait of the first Lady Bantock]. I do wish I could tell
what you were saying.
The door opens. The Misses Wetherell come in. They wear the same frocks that they wore in the first act.
They pause. Fanny is still gazing at the portrait.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. Don't you notice it, dear?
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. Yes. There really is.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. It struck me the first day. [To Fanny, who has turned] Your likeness,
dear, to Lady Constance. It's really quite remarkable.
FANNY. You think so?
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. It's your expressionwhen you are serious.
Fanny and the Servant Problem
ACT III 36
Page No 39
FANNY [laughs]. I must try to be more serious.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. It will come, dear.
They take their places side by side on the settee.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL [to her sister, with a pat of the hand]. In good time. It's so nice to
have her young. I wonder if anybody'll come this afternoon.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL [to Fanny]. You see, dear, most of the county people are still in town.
FANNY [who is pouring out tea]. I'm not grumbling.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. Oh, you'll like them, dear. The Cracklethorpes especially. [To her
sister for confirmation] Bella Cracklethorpe is so clever.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. And the Engells. She'll like the Engells. All the Engell girls are so
pretty. [Fanny brings over two cups of tea.] Thank you, dear.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL [as she takes her cuppatting Fanny's hand]. And they'll like you,
dear, ALL of them.
FANNY [returning to table]. I hope so.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. It's wonderful, dearyou won't mind my saying it?how you've
improved.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. Of course it was such a change for you. And at first [turns to her
sister] we were a little anxious about her, weren't we?
Fanny has returned to them with the cakebasket.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL [as she takes a piece]. Bennet [she lingers on the name as that of an
authority] was saying only yesterday that he had great hopes of you.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL [Fanny is handing the basket to her]. Thank you, dear.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. I told Vernon. He was SO pleased.
FANNY. VERNON was?
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. He attaches so much importance to Bennet's opinion.
FANNY. Um. I'm glad I appear to be giving satisfaction. [She has returned to her seat at the table.] I suppose
when you go to town, you take the Bennets with you?
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL [surprised at the question]. Of course, dear.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. Vernon didn't wish to go this year. He thought you would prefer
Fanny and the Servant Problem
ACT III 37
Page No 40
FANNY. I was merely thinking of when he did. Do you ever go abroad for the winter? So many people do,
nowadays.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. We tried it once. But there was nothing for dear Vernon to do. You
see, he's so fond of hunting.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL [to her sister]. And then there will be his Parliamentary duties that
he will have to take up now.
Fanny rises, abruptly.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. You're not ill, dear?
FANNY. No. Merely felt I wanted some air. You don't mind, do you? [She flings a casement open.]
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. Not at all, dear. [To her sister] It IS a bit close.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. One could really do without fires.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. If it wasn't for the evenings.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. And then, of course, the cold weather might come again. One can
never feel safe until
The door opens. Dr. Freemantle enters, announced by Bennet. The old ladies go to rise. He stops them.
DR. FREEMANTLE. Don't get up. [He shakes hands with them.] How are we this afternoon? [He shakes
his head and clicks his tongue.] Really, I think I shall have to bring an action for damages against Lady
Bantock. Ever since she
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. Hush! [She points to the window.] Fanny.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. Here's Doctor Freemantle.
Fanny comes from the window.
DR. FREEMANTLE [he meets her and takes her hand]. Was just saying, I really think I shall have to claim
damages against you, Lady Bantock. You've practically deprived me of two of my best paying patients. Used
to be sending for me every other day before you came. Now look at them! [The two ladies laugh.] She's not
as bad as we expected. [He pats her hand.] Do you remember my description of what I thought she was going
to be like?
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. She's a dear girl.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. Bennet
FANNY [she has crossed to tableis pouring out the Doctor's tea]. Oh, mightn't we have a holiday from
Bennet?
DR. FREEMANTLE [laughs]. Seems to be having a holiday himself to day.
Fanny and the Servant Problem
ACT III 38
Page No 41
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. A holiday?
DR. FREEMANTLE. Didn't you know? Oh, there's an awfully swagger party on downstairs. They were all
trooping in as I came.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. I'd no idea he was giving a party. [To Fanny] Did you, dear?
FANNY [she hands the Doctor his tea]. Yes. It's a prayer meeting. The whole family, I expect, has been
summoned.
DR. FREEMANTLE. A prayer meeting! Didn't look like it.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. But why should he be holding a prayer meeting?
FANNY. Oh, one of the family
DR. FREEMANTLE. And why twelve girls in a van?
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. In a van?
DR. FREEMANTLE. One of Hutton's from the Station Hotelwith a big poster pinned on the door: "Our
Empire."
Fanny has risen. She crosses and rings the bell.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. What's the matter, dear?
FANNY. I'm not quite sure yet. [Her whole manner is changed. A look has come into her eyes that has not
been there before. She speaks in quiet, determined tones. She rings again. Then returning to table, hands the
cakebasket to the Doctor.] Won't you take one, Doctor? They're not as indigestible as they look. [Laughs.]
DR. FREEMANTLE [he also is bewildered at the changed atmosphere]. Thank you. I hope I
FANNY [she turns to Ernest, who has entered. Her tone, for the first time, is that of a mistress speaking to
her servants]. Have any visitors called for me this afternoon?
ERNEST. Vivisitors?
FANNY. Some ladies.
ERNEST [he is in a slough of doubt and terror]. Lladies?
FANNY. Yes. Please try to understand the English language. Has a party of ladies called here this afternoon?
ERNEST. There have been some ladies. Theywe
FANNY. Where are they?
ERNEST. TheyI
FANNY. Send Bennet up to me. Instantly, please.
Fanny and the Servant Problem
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Page No 42
Ernest, only too glad to be off, stumbles out.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. My dear
FANNY. You'll take some more tea, won't you? Do you mind, Doctor, passing Miss Wetherell's cup? And
the other one. Thank you. And will you pass them the biscuits? You see, I am doing all I can on your behalf.
[She is talking and laughinga little hysterically for the purpose of filling time.] Tea and hot cakecould
anything be worse for them?
DR. FREEMANTLE. Well, tea, you know
FANNY. I know. [Laughs.] You doctors are all alike. You all denounce it, but you all drink it. [She hands
him the two cups.] That one is for Aunt Wetherell of the beautiful hair; and the other is for Aunt Wetherell of
the beautiful eyes. [Laughs.] It's the only way I can distinguish them.
Bennet enters.
Oh, Bennet!
BENNET. You sent for me?
FANNY. Yes. I understand some ladies have called.
BENNET. I think your ladyship must have been misinformed. I most certainly have seen none.
FANNY. I have to assume, Bennet, that either Dr. Freemantle or you are telling lies.
A silence.
BENNET. A party of overdressed young women, claiming to be acquainted with your ladyship, have
arrived in a van. I am giving them tea in the servants' hall, and will see to it that they are sent back to the
station in ample time to catch their train back to town.
FANNY. Please show them up. They will have their tea here.
BENNET [her very quietness is beginning to alarm him. It shakes him from his customary perfection of
manners]. The Lady Bantocks do not as a rule receive circus girls in their boudoir.
FANNY [still with her alarming quietness]. Neither do they argue with their servants. Please show these
ladies in.
BENNET. I warn you
FANNY. You heard my orders. [Her tone has the right ring. The force of habit is too strong upon him. He
yieldssavagelyand goes out. She turns to the Doctor.] So sorry I had to drag you into it. I didn't see how
else I was going to floor him.
DR. FREEMANTLE. Splendid! [He grips her hand.]
FANNY [she goes to the old ladies who sit bewildered terrified.] They won't be here for more than a few
minutesthey can't be. I want you to be nice to themboth of you. They are friends of mine. [She turns to
Fanny and the Servant Problem
ACT III 40
Page No 43
the Doctor.] They're the girls I used to act with. We went all over Europetwelve of usrepresenting the
British Empire. They are playing in London now.
DR. FREEMANTLE. Tonight? [He looks at his watch.]
FANNY [she is busy at the teatable]. Yes. They are on the stage at half past nine. You might look out their
train for them. [She points to the Bradshaw on the desk.] I don't suppose they've ever thought about how
they're going to get back. It's Judy's inspiration, this, the whole thing; I'd bet upon it. [With a laugh.] She
always was as mad as a March hare.
DR. FREEMANTLE [busy with the Bradshaw]. They were nicelooking girls.
FANNY. Yes. I think we did the old man credit. [With a laugh.] John Bull's daughters, they called us in
Paris.
Bennet appears in doorway.
BENNET [announces]. "Our Empire."
Headed by "England," the twelve girls, laughing, crowding, jostling one another, talking all together, swoop
in.
ENGLAND [a lady with a decided Cockney accent]. Oh, my dear, talk about an afternoon! We 'ave 'ad a
treat getting 'ere.
Fanny kisses her.
SCOTLAND [they also kiss]. Your boss told us you'd gone out.
FANNY. It was a slightmisunderstanding. Bennet, take away these things, please. And let me have half a
dozen bottles of champagne.
STRAITS SETTLEMENTS [a small girl at the back of the crowdwith a shrill voice]. Hooray!
BENNET [he is controlling himself with the supremest difficulty. Within he is a furnace]. I'm afraid I have
mislaid the key of the cellar.
FANNY [she looks at him]. You will please find itquickly. [Bennet, again from habit, yields. But his
control almost fails him. He takes up the tray of unneeded teathings from the table.] I shall want some more
of all these [cakes, fruit, sandwiches, etc.]. And some people to wait. Tell Jane she must come and help.
Bennet goes out. During this passage of arms between mistress and man a momentary lull has taken place in
the hubbub. As he goes out, it begins to grow again.
ENGLAND. 'E does tease yer, don't 'e? Wanted us to 'ave tea in the kitchen.
FANNY. Yes. These old family servants
AFRICA [she prides herself on being "quite the lady"]. Don't talk about 'em, dear. We had just such another.
[She turns to a girl near her.] Oh, they'll run the whole show for you if you let 'em.
Fanny and the Servant Problem
ACT III 41
Page No 44
ENGLAND. It was Judy's idea, our giving you this little treat. Don't you blime me for it.
WALES [a small, sprightly girl with a childish, laughing voice]. Well, we were all together with nothing
better to do. They'd called a rehearsal and then found they didn't want ussilly fools. I told 'em you'd just be
tickled to death.
FANNY [laughingkisses her]. So I am. It was a brilliant idea. [By this time she has kissed or shaken hands
with the whole dozen.] I can't introduce you all singly; it would take too long. [She makes a wholesale affair
of it.] My aunts, the Misses WetherellDr. Freemantle.
The Misses Wetherell, suggesting two mice being introduced to a party of friendly kittens, standing, clinging
to one another, murmur something inaudible.
DR. FREEMANTLE [who is with them to comfort themhe has got rid of the timetable,
discreetlysmiles]. Delighted.
ENGLAND. Charmed. [The others join in, turning it into a chorus. To Fanny] Glad we didn't strike one of
your busy days. I say, you're not as dressy as you used to be. 'Ow are they doing you?all right?
FANNY. Yes. Oh, yes.
CANADA ["Gerty," a big, handsome girl, with a loud, commanding voice]. George gave me your message.
FANNY [puzzled at first]. My message? [Rememberinglaughs.] Oh. That I was Lady Bantock of Bantock
Hall. Yes. I thought you'd be pleased.
CANADA. Was delighted, dear.
FANNY. So glad.
CANADA. I'd always had the idea that you were going to make a mess of your marriage.
FANNY. What a funny idea! [But the laugh that accompanies it is not a merry one.]
CANADA. Wasn't it? So glad I was wrong.
WALES. We're all of us looking out for lords in disguise, now. Can't you give us a tip, dear, how to tell 'em?
SCOTLAND. Sukey has broken it off with her boy. Found he was mixed up in trade.
STRAITS SETTLEMENTS [as before, unseen at back of crowd]. No. I didn't. 'Twas his moral character.
Then enter Honoria with glasses on a tray; Ernest with champagne; Jane with eatables; Bennet with a napkin.
It is a grim procession. The girls are scattered, laughing, talking: Africa to the Misses Wetherell; a couple to
Dr. Freemantle. England, Scotland, Wales, and Canada are with Fanny. The hubbub, with the advent of the
refreshments, increases. There is a general movement towards the refreshments.
FANNY. Thanks, Bennet. You can clear away a corner of the desk.
ENGLAND [aside to her]. Go easy with it, dear. [Fanny, smiling, nods. She directs operations in a low tone
to the Bennets, who take her orders in grim silence and with lips tight shut.] Don't forget, girls, that we've got
Fanny and the Servant Problem
ACT III 42
Page No 45
to get back tonight. [Aside to the Doctor, who has come forward to help.] Some of 'em, you know, ain't used
to it.
DR. FREEMANTLE [nods]. Glasses not TOO full. [He whispers to Fanny.]
IRELAND [a decided young woman]. How much time have we got?
ENGLAND. Don't ask me. It's Judy's show.
WALES [mimicking Newte]. The return train, ladies, leaves Oakham station. [Stopsshe is facing the
clock. She begins to laugh.]
ENGLAND. What's the matter?
WALES [still laughing]. We've got just quarter of an hour to catch it.
There is a wild rush for the refreshments. Jane is swept off her feet. Bennet's tray is upset.
ENGLAND. Quarter! Oh, my Gawd! Here, tuck up your skirts, girls. We'll have to
DR. FREEMANTLE. It's all right. You've got plenty of time, ladies. There's a train from Norton on the
branch line at 5.33. Gets you into London at a quarter to nine.
ENGLAND. You're SURE?
DR. FREEMANTLE [he has his watch in his hand]. Quite sure. The station is only half a mile away.
ENGLAND. Don't let's miss it. Keep your watch in your 'and, there's a dear.
FANNY [her business isand has beento move quietly through the throng, making the girls welcome,
talking, laughing with them, directing the servantsall in a lady's way. On the whole she does it remarkably
well. She is offering a plate of fruit to Judy]. You're a nice acting manager, you are. [Judy laughs. Fanny
finds herself in front of Ireland. She turns to England.] Won't you introduce us?
ENGLAND. I beg your pardon, dear. Of course, you don't know each other. Miss Tetsworth, our new
Ireland, Lady Bantock. It is "Bantock," isn't it, dear?
FANNY. Quite right. It's a good little part, isn't it?
IRELAND. Well, depends upon what you've been used to.
ENGLAND. She's got talent, as I tell 'er. But she ain't you, dear. It's no good saying she is.
FANNY [hastening to smooth it over]. People always speak so well of us after we're gone. [Laughs.] You'll
take another glass of champagne.
IRELAND. Thank youyou made a great success, they tell me, in the part.
FANNY. Oh, there's a deal of fluke about these things. You see, I had the advantage
DR. FREEMANTLE [with watch still in his hand]. I THINK, ladies
Fanny and the Servant Problem
ACT III 43
Page No 46
ENGLAND. Come on, girls.
A general movement.
FANNY. You must all come againspend a whole daysome Sunday.
CANADA. Remember me to Vernon.
FANNY. He'll be so sorry to have
ENGLAND [cutting in]. 'Ope we 'aven't upset you, dear. [She is bustling them all up.]
FANNY. Not at all. [She is kissing the girls.] It's been so good to see you all again.
ENGLAND. 'Urry up, girls, there's dears. [To Fanny] Goodbye, dear. [Kissing her.] We DO miss yer.
FANNY. I'm glad you do.
ENGLAND. Oh, it ain't the same show. [The others are crowding out of the door. She and Fanny are quite
apart.] No chance of your coming back to it, I suppose? [A moment.] Well, there, you never know, do yer?
Goodbye, dear. [Kisses her again.]
FANNY. Goodbye! [She stands watching them out. Bennet goes down with them. Ernest is busy collecting
debris. Jane and Honoria stand one each side of the table, rigid, with set faces. After a moment Fanny goes to
the open window. The voices of the girls below, crowding into the van, come up into the room. She calls
down to them.] Goodbye. You've plenty of time. What? Yes, of course. [Laughs.] All right. Goodbye. [She
turns, comes slowly back. She looks at Jane and Honoria, where they stand rigid. Honoria makes a movement
with her shoulderstakes a step towards the door.] Honoria! [Honoria stopsslowly turns.] You can take
away these glasses. Jane will help you.
Bennet has reappeared.
HONORIA. It's not my place
FANNY. Your place is to obey my orders.
BENNET [his coolness seems to have deserted him. His voice is trembling]. Obey her ladyship's orders, both
of you. Leave the rest to me. [Honoria and Jane busy themselves, with Ernest setting the room to rights.] May
I speak with your ladyship?
FANNY. Certainly.
BENNET. Alone, I mean.
FANNY. I see no need.
BENNET [her firmness takes him aback. He expected to find her defiance disappear with the cause of it. But
pigheaded, as all Bennets, her opposition only drives him on]. Your ladyship is not forgetting the
alternative?
Fanny and the Servant Problem
ACT III 44
Page No 47
The Misses Wetherell have been watching the argument much as the babes in the wood might have watched
the discussion between the two robbers.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL [in terror]. Bennet! you're not going to give notice!
BENNET. What my duty may be, I shall be able to decide after I have spoken with her ladyshipalone.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. Dear! You will see him?
FANNY. I am sorry. I have not the time.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. No. Of course. [Appealing to Bennet for mercy] Her ladyship is
tired. Tomorrow
FANNY [interrupting]. Neither tomorrownor any other day. [Vernon enters, followed by Newte. She
advances to meet them.] You've just missed some old friends of yours. [She shakes hands with Newte.]
VERNON. So it seems. We were hoping to have been in time. [To Newte] The mare came along pretty slick,
didn't she?
BENNET [he has remained with his look fixed all the time on Fanny]. May I speak with your lordship a
momentin private?
VERNON. Now?
BENNET. It is a matter that needs to be settled now. [It is the tone of respectful authority he has always used
towards the lad.]
VERNON. Well, if it's as pressing as all that I suppose you must. [He makes a movement towards the door.
To Newte] Shan't be long.
FANNY. One moment. [Vernon stops.] I may be able to render the interview needless. Who is mistress of
this house?
VERNON. Who is mistress?
FANNY. Who is mistress of your house?
VERNON. Why, you are, of course.
FANNY. Thank you. [She turns to Bennet] Please tell Mrs. Bennet I want her.
BENNET. I think if your lordship
FANNY. At once. [She is looking at him. He struggleslooks at Vernon. But Vernon is evidently inclined
to support Fanny. Bennet goes out. She crosses and seats herself at the desk. She takes from a drawer some
neatly folded papers. She busies herself with figures.]
VERNON [he crosses to his Aunts]. Whatever's the matter?
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. She is excited. She has had a very trying time.
Fanny and the Servant Problem
ACT III 45
Page No 48
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. Bennet didn't like the idea of her receiving them.
NEWTE. It was that minx Judy's doing. They'll have the rough side of my tongue when I get backall of
them.
VERNON. What does she want with Mrs. Bennet?
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. I can't think.
The atmosphere is somewhat that of a sheepfold before a thunderstorm. The Misses Wetherell are still
clinging to one another. Vernon and Dr. Freemantle are both watching Fanny. Jane, Honoria, and Ernest are
still busy about the room.
Suddenly, to Newtewho is standing apartthe whole thing comes with a rush. But it is too late for him to
interfere.
Mrs. Bennet, followed by Bennet, are entering the room. He shrugs his shoulders and turns away.
MRS. BENNET. Your ladyship sent for me?
FANNY. Yes. [She half turnsholds out a paper.] This wages sheet is quite correct, I take it? It is your own.
MRS. BENNET [she takes it]. Quite correct.
FANNY [she tears out a cheque she has writtenhands it to Mrs. Bennet]. You will find there two months'
wages for the entire family. I have made it out in a lump sum payable to your husband. The other month is in
lieu of notice. [A silence. The thing strikes them all dumb. She puts the chequebook back and closes the
drawer. She rises.] I'm sorry. There's been a misunderstanding. It's time that it ended. It has been my own
fault. [To Vernon] I deceived you about my family
NEWTE. If there's been any deceit
FANNY. My scene, please, George. [Newte, knowing her, returns to silence.] I have no relations outside this
country that I know of. My uncle is Martin Bennet, your butler. Mrs. Bennet is my aunt. I'm not ashamed of
them. If they'd had as much respect for me as I have for them, this trouble would not have arisen. We don't
get on together, that's all. And this seems to me the only way out. As I said before, I'm sorry.
VERNON [recovering speech]. But why did you?
FANNY [her control gives way. She breaks out]. Oh, because I've been a fool. It's the explanation of most
people's muddles, I expect, if they only knew it. Don't talk to me, anybody. I've got nothing more to say. [To
Bennet] I'm sorry. You wouldn't give me a chance. I'd have met you half way. [To Mrs. Bennet] I'm sorry.
Don't be too hard on me. It won't mean much trouble to you. Good servants don't go begging. You can
depend upon me for a character. [To Jane] You'll do much better for yourselves elsewhere. [To Honoria]
Don't let that pretty face of yours ever get you into trouble. [To Ernest] Goodbye, Ernest. We were always
pals, weren't we? Goodbye. [She kisses him. It has all been the work of a moment. She comes down again.]
Don't think me rude, but I'd like to be alone. We can talk calmly about it all tomorrow morning. [To the
Misses Wetherell] I'm so awfully sorry. I wish I could have seen any other way out. [The tears are streaming
from her eyes. To Vernon] Take them all away, won't you, dear? We'll talk about it all tomorrow. I'll feel
gooder. [She kisses him. To Dr. Freemantle] Take them all away. Tell him it wasn't all my fault. [To Newte]
You'll have to stop the night. There are no more trains. I'll see you in the morning. Good night.
Fanny and the Servant Problem
ACT III 46
Page No 49
Bennet has collected his troop. Leads them away. Dr. Freemantle, kindly and helpful, takes off Vernon and
the two ladies.
NEWTE [he grips her hand, and speaks in his short, growling way]. Good night, old girl. [He follows the
others out.]
FANNY [crosses towards the windows. Her chief business is dabbing her eyes. The door closes with a click.
She turns. She puts her handkerchief away. She looks at the portrait of Constance, first Lady Bantock]. I
believe it's what you've been telling me to do, all the time.
[CURTAIN]
ACT IV
SCENE
The same. The blinds are down. Ashes fill the grate.
Time.Early the next morning.
The door opens softly. Newte steals in. He fumbles his way across to the windows, draws the blinds. The
morning sun streams in. He listensno one seems to be stirring. He goes out, returns immediately with a
butler's tray, containing all things necessary for a breakfast and the lighting of a fire. He places the tray on
table, throws his coat over a chair, and is on his knees busy lighting the fire, when enter the Misses Wetherell,
clad in dressinggowns and caps: yet still they continue to look sweet. They also creep in, hand in hand. The
crouching Newte is hidden by a hanging fire screen. They creep forward till the coat hanging over the chair
catches their eye. They are staring at it as Robinson Crusoe might at the footprint, when Newte rises suddenly
and turns. The Misses Wetherell give a suppressed scream, and are preparing for flight.
NEWTE [he stays them]. No call to run away, ladies. When a man's travelledas I haveacross America,
in a sleepingcar, with a comicopera troop, there's not much left for him to know. You want your breakfast!
[He wheedles them to the table.] We'll be able to talk cosilybefore anybody else comes.
They yield themselves. He has a way with him.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. We haven't slept all night.
Newte answers with a sympathetic gesture. He is busy getting ready the breakfast.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. There's something we want to tell dear Vernonbefore he says
anything to Fanny.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. It's something very important.
NEWTE. We'll have a cup of tea firstto steady our nerves.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. It's so important that we should tell him before he sees Fanny.
NEWTE. We'll see to it. [He makes the tea.] I fancy they're both asleep at present.
Fanny and the Servant Problem
ACT IV 47
Page No 50
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. Poor boy!
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. If she only hadn't
Dr. Freemantle has entered.
DR. FREEMANTLE. I thought I heard somebody stirring
NEWTE. Hush! [He indicates doors, the one leading to her ladyship's apartments, the other to his lordship's.]
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL [turning and greeting him]. It was so kind of you not to leave us
last night.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. We were so upset.
Dr. Freemantle pats their hands.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. We hope you slept all right.
DR. FREEMANTLE. Excellently. Shall be glad of a shave, that's all. [Laughs. Both he and Newte suggest
the want of one.]
NEWTE [who has been officiating]. Help yourself to milk and sugar.
DR. FREEMANTLE [who has seated himself]. Have the Bennets gone?
NEWTE. Well, they had their notice all right.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL [they have begun to cry]. It has been so wrong and foolish of us.
We have never learnt to do anything for ourselves.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. We don't even know where our things are.
DR. FREEMANTLE. They can't all have gonethe whole twentythree of them, at a couple of hours'
notice. [To Newte] Haven't seen any of them, have you?
NEWTE. No sign of any of them downstairs.
DR. FREEMANTLE. Oh, they must be still here. Not up, I suppose. It isn't seven o'clock yet.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. But they have all been discharged. We can't ask them to do
anything.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL [to her sister]. And the Grimstones are coming to lunch with the new
curate. Vernon asked them on Sunday.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. Perhaps there's something cold.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. Vernon so dislikes a cold lunch.
DR. FREEMANTLE [to Newte]. Were you able to get hold of Vernon last night?
Fanny and the Servant Problem
ACT IV 48
Page No 51
NEWTE. Waited up till he came in about two o'clock. Merely answered that he wasn't in a talkative
moodbrushed past me and locked himself in.
DR. FREEMANTLE. He wouldn't say anything to me either. Rather a bad sign when he won't talk.
NEWTE. What's he likely to do?
DR. FREEMANTLE. Don't know. Of course it will be all over the county.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. And dear Vernon is so sensitive.
DR. FREEMANTLE. It had to comethe misfortune IS
NEWTE. The misfortune IS that people won't keep to their own line of business. Why did he want to come
fooling around her? She was doing well for herself. She could have married a man who would have thought
more of her than all the damn fools in the county put together. Why couldn't he have left her alone?
DR. FREEMANTLE [he is sitting at the head of the table, between Newte on his right and the Misses
Wetherell on his left. He lays his hand on Newte's sleevewith a smile]. I'm sure you can forgive a man
with eyes and ears in his headfor having fallen in love with her.
NEWTE. Then why doesn't he stand by her? What if her uncle is a butler? If he wasn't a fool, he'd be
thanking his stars that 'twas anything half as respectable.
DR. FREEMANTLE. I'm not defending himwe're not sure yet that he needs any defence. He has married
a clever, charming girl ofas you saya better family than he'd any right to expect. The misfortune is,
thatby a curious bit of illluckit happens to be his own butler.
NEWTE. If she takes my advice, she'll return to the stage. No sense stopping where you're not wanted.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. But how can she?
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. You see, they're married!
DR. FREEMANTLE [to change the subject]. You'll take an egg?
Newte has been boiling some. He has just served them.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL [rejecting it]. Thank you.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. We're not feeling hungry.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. He was so fond of her.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. She was so pretty.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. And so thoughtful.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. One would never have known she was an actress.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. If only she hadn't
Fanny and the Servant Problem
ACT IV 49
Page No 52
Bennet has entered. Newte is at fireplace. The old ladies have their backs to the door. Dr. Freemantle, who is
pouring out tea, is the first to see him. He puts down the teapot, staring. The old ladies look round. A silence.
Newte turns. Bennet is again the perfect butler. Yesterday would seem to have been wiped out of his
memory.
BENNET. Good morning, Miss Wetherell. Good morning, Miss Edith. [To the two men] Good morning. I
was not aware that breakfast was required to be any earlier than usual, or I should have had it ready.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. We are sure you would, Bennet. But you see, under the
circumstances, wewe hardly liked to trouble you.
BENNET [he goes about the room, putting things to rights. He has rung the bell. Some dead flowers he
packs on to Newte's tray, the water he pours into Newte's slopbasin]. My duty, Miss Edith, I have never felt
to be a trouble to me.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. We know, Bennet. You have always been so conscientious. But, of
course, after what's happened[They are on the verge of tears again.]
BENNET [he is piling up the breakfast things]. Keziah requested me to apologise to you for not having heard
your bell this morning. She will be ready to wait upon you in a very few minutes. [To the Doctor] You will
find shaving materials, doctor, on your dressing table.
DR. FREEMANTLE. Oh, thank you.
Ernest has entered, with some wood; he is going towards the fire.
BENNET [to Ernest]. Leave the fire for the present. Take away this tray. [Ernest takes up the tray, and goes
out. Bennet speaks over the heads of the Misses Wetherell to Newte] Breakfast will be ready in the
morningroom, in a quarter of an hour.
NEWTE [at first puzzled, then indignant, now breaks out]. What's the little game on hereeh? Yesterday
afternoon you were given the sackby your mistress, Lady Bantock, with a month's wages in lieu of
noticenot an hour before you deserved it. What do you mean, going on like this, as if nothing had
happened? Is Lady Bantock to be ignored in this house as if she didn't existor is she not? [He brings his fist
down on the table. He has been shouting rather than speaking.] I want this thing settled!
BENNET. Your bath, Mr. Newte, is quite ready.
NEWTE [as soon as he can recover speech]. Never you mind my bath, I want
Vernon has entered. He is pale, heavyeyed, short in his manner, listless.
VERNON. Good morningeverybody. Can I have some breakfast, Bennet?
BENNET. In about ten minutes; I will bring it up here. [He collects the kettle from the fire as he passes, and
goes out.]
VERNON. Thank you. [He responds mechanically to the kisses of his two aunts, who have risen and come to
him.]
NEWTE. Can I have a word with you?
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ACT IV 50
Page No 53
VERNON. A little later on, if you don't mind, Mr. Newte. [He passes him.]
NEWTE [he is about to speak, changes his mind]. All right, go your own way. [Goes out.]
DR. FREEMANTLE. "Remember", says Marcus Aurelius
VERNON. Yesgood old sort, Marcus Aurelius. [He drops listlessly into a chair.]
Dr. Freemantle smiles resignedly, looks at the Misses Wetherell, shrugs his shoulders, and goes out, closing
the door after him.
The Misses Wetherell whisper togetherlook round cautiously, steal up behind him, encouraging one
another.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. She's so young.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. And so adaptable.
VERNON [he is sitting, bowed down, with his face in his hands]. Ah, it was the deception.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL [she puts her old thin hand on his shoulder]. What would you have
done, dear, if she had told youat first?
VERNON [he takes her hand in hisanswers a little brokenly]. I don't know.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. There's something we wanted to tell you. [He looks at her. They look
across at each other.] The first Lady Bantock, your greatgrandmamma
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. She danced with George III.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. She was a butcher's daughter.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. He was quite a little butcher.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. Of course, as a rule, dear, we never mention it.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. We felt you ought to know. [They take each other's hands; on
tiptoe they steal out. They close the door softly behind them.]
Vernon rises. He looks at the portraitdraws nearer to it. With his hands in his pockets, stops dead in front
of it, and contemplates it in silence. The door of the dressingroom opens. Fanny enters. She is dressed for
going out. She stands for a moment, the door in her hand. Vernon turns. She closes the door and comes
forward.
VERNON. Good morning.
FANNY. Good morning. George stayed the night, didn't he?
VERNON. Yes. He's downstairs now.
FANNY. He won't be going for a little while?
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Page No 54
VERNON. Can't till the ten o'clock train. Have you had breakfast?
FANNY. II've had something to eat. I'm sorry for what I did last nightalthough they did deserve it.
[Laughs.] I suppose it's a matter than can easily be put right again.
VERNON. You have no objection to their staying?
FANNY. Why should I?
VERNON. What do you mean?
FANNY. There's only one hope of righting a mistake. And that is going back to the point from where one
went wrongand that was our marriage.
[A moment.]
VERNON. We haven't given it a very long trial.
FANNY [with an odd smile]. It went to pieces at the first. I was in trouble all last night; you must have
known it. You left me alone.
VERNON. Jane told me you had locked yourself in.
FANNY. You never tried the door for yourself, dear. [She pretends to rearrange something on the
mantelpieceany excuse to turn away her face for a moment. She turns to him again, smiling.] It was a
mistake, the whole thing. You were partly to blame. You were such a nice boy. I "fancied" youto use
George's words. [She laughs.] And when a woman wants a thing, she is apt to be a bit unscrupulous about
how she gets it. [She moves about the room, touching the flowers, rearranging a cushion, a vase.] I didn't
invent the bishop; that was George's embroidery. [Another laugh.] But, of course, I ought to have told you
everything myself. I ought not to have wanted a man to whom it would have made one atom of difference
whether my cousins were scullerymaids or not. Somehow, I felt that to you it might. [Vernon winces.] It's
natural enough. You have a big position to maintain. I didn't know you were a lordthat was your doing.
George did find it out, but he never told me; least of all, that you were Lord Bantockor you may be pretty
sure I should have come out with the truth, if only for my own sake. It hasn't been any joke for me, coming
back here.
VERNON. Yes. I can see they've been making things pretty hard for you.
FANNY. Oh, they thought they were doing their duty. [He is seated. She comes up behind him, puts her
hands on his shoulders.] I want you to take them all back again. I want to feel I have made as little
commotion in your life as possible. It was just a little mistake. And everybody will say how fortunate it was
that she took herself off so soon with that[She was about to say "that theatrical Johnny," thinking of
Newte. She checks herself.] And you will marry somebody belonging to your own class. And those are the
only sensible marriages there are.
VERNON. Have you done talking?
FANNY. Yes! Yes, I think that's all.
VERNON. Then perhaps you'll let me get in a word. You think me a snob? [Fanny makes a movement.] As a
matter of fact, I am.
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Page No 55
FANNY. No, that's not fair. You wouldn't have married a girl off the musichall stage.
VERNON. Niece of a bishop, cousin to a judge. Whether I believed it or not, doesn't matter. The sham that
isn't likely to be found out is as good as the truth, to a snob. If he had told me your uncle was a butler, I
should have hesitated. That's where the mistake began. We'll go back to that. Won't you sit down? [Fanny
sits.] I want you to stop. There'll be no mistake this time. I'm asking my butler's niece to do me the honour to
be my wife.
FANNY. That's kind of you.
VERNON. Oh, I'm not thinking of you. I'm thinking of myself. I want you. I fell in love with you because
you were pretty and charming. There's something else a man wants in his wife besides that. I've found it. [He
jumps up, goes over to her, brushing aside things in his way.] I'm not claiming it as a right; you can go if you
like. You can earn your own living, I know. But you shan't have anybody else. You'll be Lady Bantock and
nobody elseas long as I live. [He has grown quite savage.]
FANNY [she bites her lip to keep back the smile that wants to come]. That cuts both ways, you know.
VERNON. I don't want anybody else.
FANNY [she stretches out her hand and lays it on his]. Won't it be too hard for you? You'll have to tell them
allyour friends everybody.
VERNON. They've got to be told in any case. If you are here, for them to see, they'll be able to
understandthose that have got any sense.
Bennet comes in with breakfast, for two, on a tray. He places it on a table.
FANNY [she has risen, she goes over to him]. Good morning, uncle. [She puts up her face. He stares, but she
persists. Bennet kisses her.] Lord Bantock[she looks at Vernon]has a request to make to you. He wishes
me to remain here as his wife. I am willing to do so, provided you give your consent.
VERNON. Quite right, Bennet. I ought to have asked for it before. I apologise. Will you give your consent to
my marriage with your niece?
FANNY. One minute. You understand what it means? From the moment you give itif you do give itI
shall be Lady Bantock, your mistress.
BENNET. My dear Fanny! My dear Vernon! I speak, for the first and last time, as your uncle. I am an
oldfashioned person, and my ideas, I have been told, are those of my class. But observation has impressed it
upon me that success in any scheme depends upon each person being fit for their place. Yesterday, in the
interests of you both, I should have refused my consent. Today, I give it with pleasure, feeling sure I am
handing over to Lord Bantock a wife in every way fit for her position. [Kissing her, he gives her to Vernon,
who grips his hand. He returns to the table.] Breakfast, your ladyship, is quite ready.
They take their places at the table. Fanny takes off her hat, Bennet takes off the covers.
[CURTAIN]
Fanny and the Servant Problem
ACT IV 53
Bookmarks
1. Table of Contents, page = 3
2. Fanny and the Servant Problem, page = 4
3. Jerome K. Jerome, page = 4
4. ACT I, page = 4
5. ACT II, page = 19
6. ACT III, page = 34
7. ACT IV, page = 50