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The Complete Works of Artemus Ward, Part 7..............................................................................................1

Charles Farrar Browne .............................................................................................................................1

PART VII. Miscellaneous. .......................................................................................................................1

7.1. THE CRUISE OF THE POLLY ANN............................................................................................1

7.2. ARTEMUS WARD'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY. ..................................................................................3

7.3. THE SERENADE. ...........................................................................................................................5

7.4. O'BOURCY'S "ARRAHNAPOGUE.".......................................................................................7

7.5. ARTEMUS WARD AMONG THE FENIANS..............................................................................9

7.6. ARTEMUS WARD IN WASHINGTON. .....................................................................................15

7.7. SCENES OUTSIDE THE FAIR GROUNDS...............................................................................18

7.8. THE WIFE. ....................................................................................................................................19

7.9. A JUVENILE COMPOSITION....................................................................................................20

7.10. A POEM BY THE SAME...........................................................................................................20

7.11. EAST SIDE THEATRICALS.....................................................................................................20

7.12. SOLILOQUY OF A LOW THIEF..............................................................................................22

7.13. THE NEGRO QUESTION. .........................................................................................................22

7.14. ARTEMUS WARD ON HEALTH.............................................................................................25

7.15. A FRAGMENT. ...........................................................................................................................26

7.16. BRIGHAM YOUNG'S WIVES. ..................................................................................................27

7.17. A. WARD'S FIRST UMBRELLA. ..............................................................................................27

7.18. AN AFFECTING POEM. ............................................................................................................27

7.19. MORMON BILL OF FARE ........................................................................................................28

7.20. "THE BABES IN THE WOOD."................................................................................................29

7.21. MR. WARD ATTENDS A GRAFFICK (SOIREE.) ...................................................................31

SOMEBODY ELSE.............................................................................................................................33

In overhaulin one of my old trunks the tother day, I found the follerin jernal of a vyge on the starnch canawl

bote, Polly Ann, which happened to the subscriber when I was a young man (in the Brite Lexington of yooth,

Monday, 2 P.M.Got under wa. Hosses not remarkable frisky at fust. Had to bild fires under 'em before

they'd start. Started at larst very suddent, causin the bote for to lurch vilently and knockin me orf from my

pins. (Sailor frase.) Sevral passenjers on bored. Parst threw deliteful country. Honest farmers was to work

sowin korn, and other projuce in the fields. Surblime scenery. Large redheded gal reclinin on the banks of

Toosdy.Riz at 5 and went up on the poop deck. Took a grown person's dose of licker with a member of the

Injianny legislater, which he urbanely insisted on allowin me to pay for. Bote tearin threu the briny waters at

"Whar away?" hollered the capting, clearin his glass (a empty black bottle, with the bottom knockt out) and

"I, I, Sir!" hollered our capting. "Reef your arft hoss, splice your main jibboom, and hail your

"Wall, I reckin. He can eat more fride pork nor any man of his heft on the Wabash. He's a ornament to his

"Wall," continued the capting of the Kickin Warier. "Wilyim got a little owly the tother day, and got to

prancin around town on that old white mare of his'n, and bein in a playful mood, he rid up in front of the

Court 'us whar old Judge Perkins was a holdin Court, and let drive his rifle at him. The bullet didn't hit the

Judge at all; it only jes whizzed parst his left ear, lodgin in the wall behind him; but what d'ye spose the old

despot did? Why, he actooally fined Bill ten dollars for contempt of Court! What do you think of that?" axed

"The country is indeed in danger!" said our capting, raisin the bottle to his lips. The wessels parted. No other

Wensdy.Riz arly. Wind blowin N.W.E. Hevy sea on, and ship rollin wildly in consekents of peppercorns

havin been fastened to the forrerd hoss's tale. "Heave two!" roared the capting to the man at the rudder, as the

Polly giv a friteful toss. I was sick, an sorry I'd cum. "Heave two!" repeated the capting. I went below.

"Heave two!" I hearn him holler agin, and stickin my hed out of the cabin winder, I HEV.

The hosses became docile eventually, and I felt better. The sun bust out in all his splender, disregardless of

expense, and lovely Natur put in her best licks. We parst the beautiful village of Limy, which lookt sweet

indeed, with its neat white cottages, Institoots of learnin and other evijences of civillizashun, incloodin a

party of bald heded cullered men was playing 3 card monty on the stoop of the Red Eagle tavern. All, all was

food for my 2 poetic sole. I went below to breakfast, but vittles had lost their charms. "Take sum of this," said

the Capting, shovin a bottle tords my plate. "It's whisky. A few quarts allers sets me right when my stummick

Thursdy.Didn't rest well last night on account of a uprore made by the capting, who stopt the Bote to go

ashore and smash in the windows of a grosery. He was brought back in about a hour, with his hed dun up in a

red handkercher, his eyes bein swelled up orful, and his nose very much out of jint. He was bro't aboard on a

shutter by his crue, and deposited on the cabin floor, the passenjers all risin up in their births pushing the red

curtains aside lookin out to see what the matter was. "Why do you allow your pashuns to run away with you

in this onseemly stile, my misgided frend?" said a sollum lookin man in a red flannel nitecap. "Why do you

"Wall, the fack is," said the capting, risin hisself on the shutter, "I've bin a little prejoodiced agin that grosery

for some. But I made it lively for the boys, deacon! Bet yer life!" He larfed a short, wild larf, and called for

his jug. Sippin a few pints, he smiled gently upon the passengers, sed, "Bless you! Bless you!" and fell into a

Eventually we reached our jerny's end. This was in the days of Old Long Sign, be4 the iron hoss was foaled.

This was be4 steembotes was goin round bustin their bilers sendin peple higher nor a kite. Them was happy

days, when people was intelligent wax figgers livin wild beests wasn't scoffed at.

Dr Sir,Yrs, into which you ask me to send you sum leadin incidents in my life so you can write my Bogfry

for the papers, cum dooly to hand. I hav no doubt that a article onto my life, grammattycally jerked and

To the youth of Ameriky it would be vallyble as showin how high a pinnykle of fame a man can reach who

commenst his career with a small canvas tent and a peagreen ox, which he rubbed it off while scrachin

hisself agin the center pole, causin in Rahway, N.Y., a discriminatin mob to say humbugs would not go down

I next tried my hand at givin Blindman concerts, appearin as the poor blind man myself. But the infamus

cuss who I hired to lead me round towns in the day time to excite simpathy drank freely of spiritoous licker

unbeknowns to me one day, while under their inflooance he led me into the canal. I had to either tear the

In writin about these things, Mr. Editer, kinder smooth em over. Speak of 'em as eccentrissities of gen'us.

My next ventur would hav bin a success if I hadn't tried to do too much. I got up a series of wax figgers, and

among others one of Socrates. I tho't a wax figger of old Sock. would be poplar with eddycated peple, but

unfortinitly I put a Brown linen duster and a U.S. Army regulation cap on him, which peple with classycal

eddycations said it was a farce. This enterprise was onfortnit in other respecks. At a certin town I advertised a

wax figger of the Hon'ble Amos Perkins, who was a Railroad President, and a great person in them parts. But

it appeared I had shown the same figger for a Pirut named Gibbs in that town the previs season, which created

a intense toomult, the audience remarked "shame onto me," other statements of the same similarness. I tried

to mollify em. I told 'em that any family possessin children might have my she tiger to play with half a day, I

wouldn't charge 'em a cent, but alars! it was of no avail. I was forced to leave, I infer from a article in the

"Advertiser" of that town, in which the Editer says, "Atho' time has silvered this man's hed with its frosts, he

still brazenly wallows in infamy. Still are his snakes stuffed, and his wax works unrelible. We are glad that he

has concluded never to revisit our town, altho', incredible as it may appear, the fellow really did contemplate

so doing last summer, when, still true to the craven instincts of his black heart, he wrote the hireling knaves

of the obscure journal across the street to know what they would charge for 400 small bills, to be done on

I say, I infer from this article that a prejudiss still exists agin me in that town.

I will not speak of my once bein in straitend circumstances in a sertin town, and of my endeaverin to

accoomulate welth by lettin myself to Sabbath School picnics to sing ballads adapted to the understandins of

little children, accompanyin myself on a claironettwhich I forgot where I was one day, singing, instid of

which mistake, added to the fact that I couldn't play onto the claironett except makin it howl dismal, broke up

the picnic, and children said, in voices choked with sobs and emotions, where was their home and where was

their Pa? and I said, Be quiet, dear children, I am your Pa, which made a young woman with two twins by her

side say very angryly, "Good heavens forbid you should ever be the Pa of any of these innocent ones, unless

it is much desirable for them to expire igminyusly upon to a murderer's gallus!"

If you see fit to kriticise my Show speak your mind freely. I do not object to kriticism. Tell the public, in a

candid and graceful article, that my Show abounds in moral and startlin cooriosities, any one of whom is

I was born in the State of Maine of parents. As a infant I attracted a great deal of attention. The nabers would

stand over my cradle for hours and say, "How bright that little face looks! How much it nose!" The young

ladies would carry me round in their arms, sayin I was muzzer's bezzy darlin and a sweety 'eety 'ittle ting. It

was nice, tho' I wasn't old enuf to properly appreciate it. I'm a healthy old darlin now.

I have allers sustained a good moral character. I was never a Railroad director in my life.

Altho' in early life I did not inva'bly confine myself to truth in my small bills, I have been gradoolly growin

respectabler and respectabler ev'ry year. I luv my children, and never mistake another man's wife for my own.

I'm not a member of any meetin house, but firmly bel'eve in meetin houses, and shouldn't feel safe to take a

dose of laudnum and lay down in the street of a village that hadn't any, with a thousand dollars in my vest

I am a early riser, but my wife is a Presbyterian. I may add that I am also baldheded. I keep two cows.

I live in Baldinsville, Indiany. My next door naber is Old Steve Billins. I'll tell you a little story about Old

Steve that will make you larf. He jined the Church last spring, and the minister said, "You must go home

now, Brothern Billins, and erect a family altar in your own house," whereupon the egrejis old ass went home

and built a reg'lar pulpit in his sittin room. He had the jiners in his house over four days.

I am 56 (56) years of age. Time, with its relentless scythe, is ever busy. The Old Sexton gathers them in, he

If you should giv my portrait in connection with my Bogfry, please have me ingraved in a languishin attitood,

Things in our town is workin. The canal boat "Lucy Ann" called in here the other day and reported all quiet

on the Wabash. The "Lucy Ann" has adopted a new style of Binnakle light, in the shape of a redheaded girl,

The artist I spoke about in my larst has returned to Philadelphy. Before he left I took his lilywhite hand in

mine. I suggested to him that if he could induce the citizens of Philadelphy to believe it would be a good idea

to have white windershutters on their houses and white doorstones, he might make a fortin. "It's a novelty,"

As several of our public men are constantly being surprised with serenades, I concluded I'd be surprised in

the same way, so I made arrangements accordin. I asked the Brass Band how much they'd take to take me

entirely by surprise with a serenade. They said they'd overwhelm me with a unexpected honor for seven

I wrote out my impromptoo speech severil days beforehand bein very careful to expunge all ingramatticisms

and payin particuler attention to the punktooation. It was, if I may say it without egitism, a manly effort; but,

alars! I never delivered it, as the sekel will show you. I paced up and down the kitchin speakin my piece over

so as to be entirely perfeck. My bloomin young daughter, Sarah Ann, bothered me summut by singin, "Why

"Because," said I, arter hearin her sing it about fourteen times, "because it's their biz! Let 'em fade!"

"Betsy," said I, pausin in the middle of the room and letting my eagle eye wander from the

manuscrip"Betsy, on the night of this here serenade, I desires you to appear at the winder dressed in white,

"If I appear," said that remarkable female, "I shall wave a lilywhite bucket of bilin hot water, and somebody

She refer'd to her husband. No doubt about it in my mind. But for fear she might exasperate me I said nothin.

The expected night cum. At nine o'clock precisely there was sounds of footsteps in the yard, and the Band

struck up a lively air, which when they did finish it, there was cries of "Ward! Ward!" I stept out onto the

portico. A brief glance showed me that the assemblage was summut mixed. There was a great many ragged

boys, and there was quite a number of grownup persons evigently under the affluence of the intoxicatin

bole. The Band was also drunk. Dr. Schwazey, who was holdin up a post, seemed to be partic'ly drunkso

much so that it had got into his spectacles, which were staggerin wildly over his nose. But I was in for it, and

LEADER OF THE BAND.Will you give us our money now, or wait till you git through?"

LEADER OF THE BAND."But you said you'd give us seven dollars if we'd play two choons."

"I say, I thank you warmly. When I look at this crowd of true Americans, my heart swells"

"We live," said I, "in troublous times, but I hope we shall again resume our former proud position, and go on

DR. SCHWAZEY.I'm willin for one to go on in a glorious career! Will you join me, fellowcitizens, in a

glorious career? What wages does a man git for a glorious career, when he finds himself?"

DR. S.Have you a banquet spread in the house? I should like a rhunossyross on the half shell, or a

hippopotamus on toast, or a horse and wagon roasted whole. Anything that's handy. Don't put yourself out on

At this point the Band begun to make hidyous noises with their brass horns, and an exceedingly ragged boy

wanted to know if there wasn't to be some wittles afore the concern broke up? I didn't exactly know what to

do, and was just on the point of doin it, when a upper winder suddenly opened, and a stream of hot water was

When I am taken by surprise with another serenade, I shall, among other arrangements, have a respectful

You axe me, sir, to sling sum ink for your paper in regards to the new Irish dramy at Niblo's Garding. I will

I knew your grandfather well, sir. Sum 16 years ago, while I was amoosin and instructin the intellectoal peple

of Cape Cod with my justly pop'lar Show, I saw your grandfather. He was then between 96 years of age, but

his mind was very clear. He told me I looked like George Washington. He said I had a massiv intellect. Your

grandfather was a highlyintelligent man, and I made up my mind then that if I could ever help his family in

any way, I'd do so. Your grandfather gave me sum clams and a Testament. He charged me for the clams but

I therefore rite for you, which insures your respectability at once. It gives you a moral tone at the word go.

I found myself the other night at Niblo's Garding, which is now, by the way, Wheatley's Garding. (I don't

know what's bcum of Nib.) I couldn't see much of a garding, however, and it struck me if Mr. Wheatley

depended on it as regards raisin things, he'd run short of gardin sass. [N.B.These remarks is yoomerous.

I walked down the isle in my usual dignified stile, politely tellin the people as I parsed along to keep their

seats. "Don't git up for me," I sed. One of the prettiest young men I ever saw in my life showed me into a

seat, and I proceeded to while away the spare time by reading Thompson's "Bank Note Reporter" and the

I tho't, from a cursiry view, that the Finnigan Brotherhood was well represented.

There was no end of bootiful wimin, and a heap of good clothes. There was a good deal of hair present that

belonged on the heds of peple who didn't cum with itbut this is a ticklish subjeck for me. I larfed at my

wife's waterfall, which indoosed that superior woman to take it off and heave it at me rather vilently; and as

there was about a half bushil of it, it knockt me over, and give me pains in my body which I hain't got over

The orkistry struck up a toon, I asked the Usher to nudge me when Mr. Pogue cum on the stage to act.

I wanted to see Pogue; but, strange to say, he didn't act during the entire evenin. I reckin he has left Niblo's,

Very industrious pepl are the actors at Barnum's. They play all day, and in the evenin likewise. I meet'm

every mornin, at five o'clock, going to their work with their tin dinnerpails. It's a sublime site. Many of them

ArrahnaPogue was writ by Dion O'Bourcicolt Edward McHouse. They writ it well. O'Bourcy has writ a

I understand there is a large number of O'gen'tlmen of this city who can rite better plays than O'Bourcy does,

As I remarked to the Boy who squirted peppersass through a tin dinnerhorn at my trained Bear (which it

caused that feroshus animal to kick up his legs and howl dismal, which fond mothers fell into swoons and

children cride to go home because fearin the Bear would leave his jungle and tear them from limb to limb),

and then excoosed himself (this Boy did) by sayin he had done so while labourin under a attack of Moral

Insanityas I sed to that thrifty youth, "I allus incurridge geenyus, whenever I see it."

It's the same with Dan Bryant. I am informed there are better Irish actors than he is, but somhow I'm allus out

It appears a patriotic person named McCool has bin raisin a insurrection in the mountain districts, and is now

goin to leave the land of his nativity for a tower in France. Previsly to doin so he picks the pockit of Mr.

Michael Feeny, a gov'ment detectiv, which pleases the gallery very much indeed, and they joyfully remark,

He meets also at this time a young woman who luvs him dearer than life, and who is, of course, related to the

gov'ment; and just as the gov'ment goes agin him she goes for him. This is nat'ral, but not grateful. She sez,

"And can it be so? Ar, tell me it is not so thusly as this thusness wouldst seem!" or words to that effect.

Mr. McCool goes and gives the money to his fostersister, Miss Arrah Meelish, who is goin to shortly marry

Shaun, the Lamp Post. Mac then alters his mind about goin over to France, and thinks he'll go upstairs and

lie down in the straw. This is in Arrah's cabin. Arrah says it's all right, me darlint, och hone, and shure, and

Great excitement. Immense demonstration on the part of the peasantry. Barndoor jigs, and rebelyus song by

McHouse, called "The Drinkin of the Gin." Ha, what is this? Soldiers cum in. Moosic by the band. "Arrah,"

sez the Major, "you have those money." She sez, "Oh no, I guess not." He sez, "Oh yes, I guess you have." "It

is my own," sez she, and exhibits it. "It is mine," says Mr. Feeny, and identifies it.

"Whose coat is this?" sez the Major. "Is it the coat of a young man secreted in this here cabin?"

Now this is rough on Shaun. His wife accoosed of theft, the circumstances bein very much agin her, and also

accoosed of havin a hansum young man hid in her house. But does this bold young Hibernian forsake her?

Not much, he dont. But he takes it all on himself, sez he is the guilty wretch, and is marcht off to prison.

This is a new idea. It is gin'rally the wife who suffers, in the play, for her husband; but here's a noble young

feller who shuts both his eyes to the apparent sinfulness of his new young wife, and takes her right square to

his bosom. It was bootiful to me, who love my wife, and believe in her, and would put on my meetin clothes

and go to the gallus for her cheerfully, ruther than believe she was capable of taking anybody's money but

mine. My marrid friends, listen to me: If you treat your wives as though' they were perfeck gentlemenif

you show 'em that you have entire confidence in them believe me, they will be troo to you most always.

I was so pleased with this conduct of Shaun that I hollered out, "Good boy! Come and see me!"

"Put him out!" said a sweetscented young man, with all his new clothes on, and in company with a splendid

"My young friend," said I, in a loud voice, "whose store do you sell tape in? I might want to buy a yard

Shaun is tried by a Military Commission. Colonel O'Grady, although a member of the Commission, shows he

sympathizes with Shaun, and twits Feeny, the Gov'ment witness, with being a knockkneed thief, Mr.

Stanton's grandfather was Sec'y of War in Ireland at that time, so this was entirely proper.

Shaun is convicted and goes to jail. Hears Arrah singin outside. Wants to see her a good deal. A lucky

thought strikes him; he opens the window and gets out. Struggles with ivy and things on the outside of the

jail, and finally reaches her just as Mr. Feeny is about to dash a large wooden stone onto his head. He throws

Mr. F. into the river. Pardon arrives. Fond embraces. Tears of joy and kisses a la Pogue. Everybody much

Sparkling with genuine fun and bristling with pungent satire, this is an epitome of Artemus Ward's most

genial humour and of his keenly sarcastic truth. The doings of the Fenians have hitherto been sufficiently

ludicrous to merit the ridicule which Artemus has added to the stock they have liberally provided for

themselves. To use the periphrasis of Senator Sumner, they have hitherto been "the muscipular abortion of

the parturient mountain," whatever their folly may yet lead them to effect of a more serious nature in time to

come. As a curiosity of literature, worthy of being preserved for the amusement of posterity, a leading article

on the Fenians, extracted from a New York paper of most extensive circulation, is given below. Such another

"leader" as the one here given could not be met with in the press of any land in the world, except in that of the

The Finians conveened in our town the other night, and took steps toord freein Ireland. They met into the

Town Hall, and by the kind invite of my naber, Mr. Mulrooney O'Shaughnessy, whose ancestors at least must

You may not be awair, by the way, that I've been a invalid here to home for sev'ril weeks. And it's all owin to

my own improodens. Not feelin like eating a full meal when the cars stopt for dinner, in the South, where I

lately was, I went into a Resterater and et 20 hard biled eggs. I think they effected my Liver.

My wife says, Po, po. She says I've got a splendid liver for a man of my time of life. I've heard of men's livers

gradooally wastin' away till they hadn't none. It's a dreadful thing when a man's liver gives him the shake.

Two years ago comin this May, I had a 'tack of fever'nager, and by the advice of Miss Peasley who

continues single and is correspondinly unhappy in the same ratios I consulted a Spiritul mejuma writin'

mejum. I got a letter from a cel'brated Injin chief, who writ me, accordin to the mejum, that he'd been ded two

hundred and seventeen (217) years, and liked it. He then said, let the Pale face drink sum yarb tea. I drinkt it,

and it really helpt me. I've writ to this talented savige this time thro' the same mejum, but as yet I hain't got

The Town Hall was jamfull of peple, mostly Irish citizens, and the enthusiasm was immense. They cheer'd

They was all good nabers of mine, and I ansered in a pleasant voice, "All right, boys, all right. Mavoorneen,

These Irish remarks bein' received with great applaus, I added, "Mushler! mushler!"

"Good! good!" cried Captain Spingler, who desires the Irish vote for country clerk; "that's fus' rate."

This made the Finians larf, and they said, "Walk up onto the speaker's platform sir."

The speeches was red hot agin England, and hir iron heel, and it was resolved to free Ireland at onct. But it

was much desirable before freein her that a large quantity of funds should be raised. And, like the gen'rous

souls as they was, funs was lib'rally contribooted. Then arose a excitin discussion as to which head center

they should send 'em toO'Mahony or McRoberts. There was grate excitement over this, but it was finally

Then Mr. Finnigan rose and said, "We have here tonight sum citizens of American birth, whom we should

be glad to hear. It would fill our harts with speechless joy to hear from a man whose name towers high in the

"We wish to hear," continued Mr. Finnigan, moderatin his stile summut, "from our townsman, Mr. Ward."

I beg'd to be declined, but it wan't no use. I rose amid a perfeck uproar of applause.

I said we had convened there in a meetin, as I understood it, or rather in a body, as it were, in reference to

Ireland. If I knew my own hart, every one of us there, both grate and small had an impulse flowin in his

boosum, "and consequentially," I added, we "will stick to it similar and in accordance therewith, as long as a

Squire Thaxter interrupted me. The Squire feels the wrongs of Ireland deeply, on accounts of havin onct

courted the widder of a Irish gentleman who had lingered in a loathsum dunjin in Dublin, placed there by a

English tarvernkeeper, who despotically wanted him to pay for a quantity of chops and beer he had

consoom'd. Besides, the Squire wants to be reelected Justice of the Peace. "Mr. Ward," he said, "you've bin

"It is troo," I said. "Not a drop of good licker has passed my lips in all that time. I don't let it pass 'em. I reach

"I beg pardon," said the Squire, "for the remark; you are sober; but what on airth are you drivin at?"

"Yes!" I said, "that's just it. That's what I've bin axin myself during the entire evenin. What is this grate

meetin drivin at? What's all the grate Finian meetins drivin at all over the country?

"My Irish frens, you know me well enuff to know that I didn't come here to disturb this meetin. Nobody but a

loafer will disturb any kind of a meetin. And if you'll notice it, them as are up to this sort of thing, allers come

to a bad end. There was a young manI will not mention his namewho disturb'd my show in a certain

town, two years ago, by makin remarks disrespectful of my animals, accompanied by a allosan to the front

part of my hed, which, as you see, it is Baldsayin, says this young man, 'You sandpaper it too much, but

you've got a beautiful head of hair in the back of your neck, old man.' This made a few ignent and

lowmindid persons larf; but what was the fate of that young man? In less than a month his aunt died and left

him a farm in Oxford county, Maine! The human mind can pictur no grater misfortun than this.

"No, my Irish frens, I am here as your naber and fren. I know YOU are honest in this Finian matter.

"But let us look at them Head Centers. Let us look at them riproarin orators in New York, who've bin tearin

"There's two partiesO'McMahoneys and McO'Roberts. One thinks the best way is to go over to Canady

and establish a Irish Republic there, kindly permittin the Canadians to pay the expenses of that sweet Boon;

and the other wants to sail direck for Dublin Bay, where young McRoy and his fair young bride went down

and was drownded, accordin to a ballad I onct heard. But there's one pint on which both sides agreethat's

the Funs. They're willin, them chaps in New York, to receive all the Funs you'll send 'em. You send a puss

tonight to Mahony, and another puss to Roberts. Both will receive 'em. You bet. And with other pusses it will

"I went into Mr. Delmonico's eatinhouse the other night, and I saw my fren Mr. Terence McFadden, who is

a elekent and enterprisin deputy Centre. He was sittin at a table, eatin a canvasback duck. Poultry of that

kind, as you know, is rather high just now. I think about five dollars per Poult. And a bottle of green seal

"'Oh, Mr. Ward! I am miserablemiserable! The wrongs we Irishmen suffers! Oh, Ireland! Will a troo

history of your sufferins ever be written? Must we be ever ground under by the iron heel of despotic Briton?

"'Well,' I said 'if there's another caanvasback and a spare bottle of that green seal in the house, I wouldn't

"'Well, yes. If I'm to share the wrongs of Ireland with you, I don't care if I do have a bowl of soup. Put a bean

into it,' I said to the waiter. 'It will remind me of my childhood days, when we had 'em baked in conjunction

with pork every Sunday mornin, and then all went up to the village church, and had a refreshin nap in the

"Mr. McFadden, who was sufferin so thurily for Ireland, was of the Mahony wing. I've no doubt that some

ekally patriotic member of the Roberts wing was sufferin in the same way over to the MasonDory

"They say, fellercitizens, soon you will see a Blow struck for Irish liberty! We hain't seen nothin BUT a

Blow, so farit's bin all blow, and the blowers in New York won't git out of Bellusses as long as our Irish

"Let the Green float above the red, if that'll make it feel any better, but don't you be the Green. Don't never go

"This is a very good country here where you are. You Irish hav enjoyed our boons, held your share in our

offices, and you certainly have done your share of our votin. Then why this hullaballoo about freein

Ireland? You do your frens in Ireland a great injoory, too; because they b'lieve you're comin sure enuff, and

they fly off the handle and git into jail. My Irish frens, ponder these things a little. 'Zamine 'em closely, and

I sot down. There was no applaws, but they listened to me kindly. They know'd I was honest, however wrong

I might be; and they know'd too, that there was no peple on arth whose generosity and gallantry I had a higher

respect for than the Irish, excep when they fly off the handle. So, my feller citizens, let me toot my horn.

But Squire Thaxter put his hand onto my hed and said, in a mournful tone of vois, "Mr. Ward, your mind is

failin. Your intellect totters! You are only about sixty years of age, yet you will soon be a drivelin dotard, and

"I have no control over my arms now," I replied, drivin my elbows suddenly into the Squire's stomack, which

caused that corpulent magistrate to fall vilently off the stage into the fiddlers' box, where he stuck his

It was late when I got home. The children and my wife was all abed. But a candlea candle made from taller

of our own raisingleamed in Betsy's room; it gleamed for I! All was still. The sweet silver moon was a

shinin bright, and the beautiful stars was up to their usual doins! I felt a sentymental mood so gently ore me

stealin, and I pawsed before Betsy's window, and sung, in a kind of op'ratic vois, as follers, impromtoo, to

The winderI regret to say that the winder went up with a vi'lent crash, and a form robed in spotless white

exclaimed, "Cum into the house, you old fool. Tomorrer you'll be goin round complainin about your liver!"

I sot up a spell by the kitchen fire readin Lewis Napoleon's "Life of Julius Caesar." What a reckless old cuss

he was! Yit Lewis picturs him in glowin cullers. Caesar made it lively for the boys in Gaul, didn't he? He

slewd one million of citizens, male and femaleGauls and Gaulussesand then he sold another million of

'em into slavery. He continnered this cheerful stile of thing for sum time, when one day he was 'sassinated in

Rome by sum hightoned Roman gen'lmen, led on by Mr. Brutus. When old Bruty inserted his knife into

him, Caesar admitted that he was gone up. His funeral was a great success, the house bein crowded to its

utmost capacity. Ten minutes after the doors were opened, the Ushers had to put up cards on which was

[The following paper was contributed by Mr. Browne to "Vanity Fair," the New York "Punch," which

terminated its career during the late war. Some of the allusions are, of course, to matters long past; but the old

fun and genuine humour of the showman are as enjoyable now as when first written.]

"Betsy," said I, with a stern air, "Betsy, you're too old to think about such frivolities as back hair."

"Too old? TOO OLD?" she screamed, "too old, you baldheded idiot! You ain't got hair enuff onto YOUR

The Rebook was severe, but merited. Hens4th I shall let my wife's back hair alone. You heard me!

My little dawter is growin quite rapid, and begins to scrootinize clothin, with young men inside of it, puthy

clost. I obsarve, too, that she twists pieces of paper round her hair at nights, and won't let me put my arms

round her any more for fair I'll muss her. "Your mother wasn't 'fraid I'd muss HER when she was your age,

But all this, which happened in Baldinsville a week ago, hain't nothin to do with Washington, from whither I

now write you, hopin the iterms I hereby sends will be exceptable to the GinCocktail of AmericaI mean

Washington, D.C., is the Capital of "our once happy country"if I may be allowed to koin a frase! The D.C.

stands for Desprit Cusses, a numerosity which abounds here, the most of whom persess a Romantic pashun

for gratooitous drinks. And in this conjunction I will relate an incident. I notist for several days a large Hearse

standin in front of the principal tavern on Pennsylvany Avenoo. "Can you tell me, my fair Castillian," sed I

this mornin, to a young Spaniard from Tipperary, who was blackin boots in the washroom"can you tell me

"Well, you see our Bar bisness is great. You've no idee of the number of People who drink at our Bar durin a

Standin in front of the tarvuns of Pennsylvany Avenoo is a lot of miserbul wretches,black, white and

ringstrickid, and freckled with long whips in their hands, who frowns upon you like the wulture upon the

turtledove the minit you dismerge from hotel. They own yonder fourwheeled startlin curiositys, which

were used years and years ago by the fust settlers of Virginny to carry live hogs to market in. The best

carriage I saw in the entire collection was used by Pockyhontas, sum two hundred years ago, as a goatpen.

Becumin so used up that it couldn't hold goats, that fair and gentle savage put it up at auction. Subsekently it

was used as a hospital for sick calves, then as a hencoop, and finally it was put on wheels and is now doin

I called on Secretary Welles, of the Navy. You know he is quite a mariner himself, havin once owned a Raft

of logs on the Connethycut river. So I put on saler stile and hollered: "Ahoy, shipmet! Tip us yer grapplin

"That's very good, indeed," said the Secky, "but this is hardly the place to sing songs in, my frend."

"Let me write the songs of a nashun," sed I, "and I don't care a cuss who goes to the legislater! But I ax your

"Comfortable, I thank you. I have here," he added, "a copy of the Middletown "Weekly Clarion" of February

the 15, containin a report that there isn't much Union sentiment in South Caroliny, but I hardly credit it."

"God bless me!" sed the Secky, risin hastily and glarin wildly at me, "what do you mean?"

"Oh, nothin partickler. Only it is one of the beauties of a Republican form of gov'ment that a Cabnet offisser

can pack up his trunk and go home whenever he's sick. Sure nothin don't ail your liver?" sed I, pokin him

I called on Abe. He received me kindly. I handed him my umbreller, and told him I'd have a check for it if he

pleased. "That," sed he, "puts me in mind of a little story. There was a man, out in our parts who was so mean

that he took his wife's coffin out of the back winder for fear he would rub the paint off the doorway. Wall,

about this time there was a man in a adjacent town who had a green cotton umbreller."

"Wall, as I was sayin," continnered the President, treatin the interruption with apparent comtempt, "this man

"Yes," said I, larfin in a respectful manner, "but what has this man with the umbreller to do with the man who

"To be sure," said Abe"what was it? I must have got two stories mixed together, which puts me in mind of

"Never mind, Your Excellency. I called to congratulate you on your career, which has been a honest and a

good oneunscared and unmoved by Secesh in front of you and Abbolish at the back of youeach one of

"Tell E. Stanton that his boldness, honesty, and vigger merits all praise, but to keep his undergarments on.

E. Stanton has appeerently only one weakness, which it is, he can't allus keep his undergarments from flyin

up over his hed. I mean that he occasionally dances in a peckmeasure, and he don't look graceful at it."

I took my departer. "Goodbye, old sweetness!" sed Abe, shakin me cordgully by the hand.

"Adoo, my Prahayrie flower!" I replied, and made my exit. "Twentyfive thousand dollars a year and found,"

I soliloquized, as I walked down the street, "is putty good wages for a man with a modist appytite, but I

It was the voice of an Afrikin Brother which thus spoke to me. There was a cullud procession before me

which was escortin a elderly baldhedded Afrikin to his home in Bates Alley. This distinguished Afrikin

Brother had just returned from Lybery, and in turnin a corner puty suddent I hed stumbled and placed my hed

I'm reconstructing my show. I've bo't a collection of life size wax figgers of our prominent Revolutionary

forefathers. I bo't 'em at auction, and got 'em cheap. They stand me about two dollars and fifty cents (2 dols.

There is some fun outside the Fair Ground. Any number of mountebanks have pitched their tents there, and

are exhibiting all sorts of monstrosities to large and enthusiastic audiences. There are some eloquent men

among the showmen. Some of them are Demosthenic. We looked around among them during the last day we

honored the Fair with our brilliant presence, and were rather pleased at some things we heard and witnessed.

"'Ere's a show, now," said he, "worth seeing. 'Ere's a entertainment that improves the morals. P.T.

Barnumyou've all hearn o' him. What did he say to me? Sez he to me, sez P.T. Barnum, 'Sir, you have the

allfiredest best show travelin!'and all to be seen for the small sum of fifteen cents!"

The man with the blue hog was there. Says he, "GentleMEN, this beast can't turn round in a crockery crate

ten feet square, and is of a bright indigo blue. Over five hundred persons have seen this wonderful BEING

this mornin, and they said as they come out, 'What can these 'ere things be? Is it alive? Doth it breathe and

have a being? Ah yes,' they say, 'it is true, and we have saw a entertainment as we never saw afore. 'Tis

nature's [only fifteen cents'ere's your change, sir] own sublime handworks'and walk right in."

"Now, then, my friends, is your time to see the gerratist queeriosity in the livin' worlda wild mare without

no hair captered on the roarin wild prahayries of the far distant West by sixteen Injuns. Don't fail to see

this gerrate exhibition. Only fifteen cents. Don't go hum without seein the State Fair, an' you won't see the

State Fair without you see my show. Gerratist exhibition in the known world, an' all for the small sum of

Two gentlemen connected with the press here walked up and asked the showman, in a still small voice, if he

extended the usual courtesies to editors. He said he did, and requested them to go in. While they were in some

sly dog told him their names. When they came out the showman pretended to talk with them, though he didn't

"There, gentleMEN, what do you think them gentlemen say? They air editorseditors, gentleMENMr.

, of the Cleveland , and Mr. , of the Detroit , and they say it is the gerratist show they ever

[Nothing but the tip ends of the editors' coattails could be seen when the showman concluded this speech.]

A smartlooking chap was doing a brisk business with a gambling contrivance. Seeing two policemen

approach, he rapidly and ingeniously covered the dice up, mounted his table, and shouted:

"Ere's the only great show on the grounds! The highly trained and performing Mud Turtle with nine heads

and seventeen tails, captured in a wellfortified hencoop, after a desperate struggle, in the lowlands of the

A grave, ministeriallooking and elderly man in a white choker had a giftenterprise concern. "My friends,"

he solemnly said, "you will observe that this jewellery is elegant indeed, but I can afford to give it away, as I

have a twin brother seven years older than I am, in New York City, who steals it a great deal faster than I can

give it away. No blanks, my friendsall prizesand only fifty cents a chance. I don't make anything

myself, my friendsall I get goes to aid a sick womanmy aunt in the country, gentlemenand besides I

The man with the "wonderful calf with five legs and a huming head," and "the philosophical lungtester,"

were there. Then there was the Flying Circus and any number of other ingenious contrivances to relieve

A young man was bitterly bewailing the loss of his watch, which had been cut from his pocket by some thief.

"You ain't smart," said a middleaged individual in a dingy Kossuth hat with a feather in it, and who had a

very youcan'tfoolme look. "I've been to the State Fair before, I want yer to understan, and knows my

bizniss aboard a propeller. Here's MY money," he exultingly cried, slapping his pantaloons' pocket.

About half an hour after this we saw this smart individual rushing frantically around after a policeman.

Somebody had adroitly relieved him of HIS money. In his search for a policeman he encountered the young

"Haw, haw, haw," violently laughed the latter; "by G, I thought you was smartI thought you'd been to

The smart man looked sad for a moment, but a knowing smile soon crossed his face, and drawing the young

"There wasn't only fifteen cents in coppers in my pocketmy MONEY is in my bootthey can't fool

The propriety of introducing a sad story like the following, in a book intended to be rather cheerful in its

character, may be questioned; but it so beautifully illustrates the firmness of woman when grief and despair

have taken possession of "the chambers of her heart," that we cannot refrain from relating it.

Lucy M loved with all the ardor of a fond and faithful wife, and when he upon whom she had so

confidingly leaned was stolen from her by death, her friends and companions said Lucy would go mad. Ah,

Gazing for the last time upon the claycold features of her departed husband, this young widowbeautiful

even in her grief; so ethereal to look upon, and yet so firm!looking for the last time upon the dear familiar

face, now cold and still in deathoh, looking for the last, last timeshe rapidly put on her bonnet, and thus

addressed the sobbing gentlemen who were to act as pallbearers:"You pallbearers, just go into the

The Elephant is the most largest Annymile in the whole world. He eats hay and kakes. You must not giv the

Elephant Tobacker, becoz if you do he will stamp his grate big feet upon to you and kill you fatally Ded.

Some folks thinks the Elephant is the most noblest Annymile in the world; but as for Me, giv Me the

The Broadway houses have given the public immense quantities of Central Park, Seven Sisters, Nancy Sykes,

and J. Cade. I suppose the Broadway houses have done this chiefly because it has paid them, and so I mean

no disrespect when I state that to me the thing became rather stale. I sighed for novelty. A man may stand

stewed veal for several years, but banquets consisting exclusively of stewed veal would become uninteresting

after a century or so. A man would want something else. The least particular man, it seems to me, would

desire to have his veal "biled," by way of a change. So I, tired of the threadbare pieces at the Broadway

houses, went to the East Side for something fresh. I wanted to see some libertines and brigands. I wanted to

see some cheerful persons identified with the blacksmith and sewingmachine interests triumph over those

libertines and brigands in the most signal manner. I wanted, in short, to see the Downfall of Vice and

Poor Jack Scott is gone, and Jo. Kirby dies no more on the East Side. They've got the blood and things over

there, but, alas! they're deficient in lungs. The tragedians in the Bowery and Chatham Street of today don't

start the shingles on the roof as their predecessors, now cold and stiff in death, used to when they threw

themselves upon their knees at the footlights and roared a redhot curse after the lord who had carried Susan

away, swearing to never more eat nor drink until the lord's vile heart was torn from his body and therrown

to the dorgsrattling their knives against the tin lamps and glaring upon the third tier most fearfully the

Glancing at the spot where it is said Senator Benjamin used to vend secondhand clothes, and regretting that

he had not continued in that comparatively honorable vocation instead of sinking to his present

positionwondering if Jo. Kirby would ever consent, if he were alive, to die wrapped up in a Secession

flag!gazing admiringly upon the unostentatious signboard which is suspended in front of the Hon. Izzy

Lazarus's tavernglancing, wondering, and gazing thus, I enter the old Chatham theatre. The pit is full, but

The play is about a servant girl, who comes to the metropolis from the agricultural districts in short skirts,

speckled hose, and a dashing little white hat, gaily decked with pretty pink ribbons that being the style of

dress invariably worn by servant girls from the interior. She is accompanied by a chaste young man in a

shorttailed red coat, who, being very desirous of protecting her from the temptations of a large city,

naturally leaves her in the street and goes off somewhere. Servant girl encounters an elderly female, who

seems to be a very nice sort of person indeed, but the young man in a shorttailed coat comes in and thrusts

the elderly female aside, calling her "a vile hag." This pleases the pit, which is ever true to virtue, and it

A robber appears. The idea of a robber in times like these is rather absurd. The most adroit robber would eke

out a miserable subsistence if he attempted to follow his profession nowadays. I should prefer to publish a

daily paper in Chelsea. Nevertheless, here is a robber. He has been playing poker with his "dupe," but

singularly enough the dupe has won all the money. This displeases the robber, and it occurs to him that he

will kill the dupe. He accordingly sticks him. The dupe staggers, falls, says "Dearest Eliza!" and dies. Cries of

"Hi! hi! hi!" in the pit, while a gentleman with a weed on his hat, in the boxes, states that the price of green

smelts is five cents a quart. This announcement is not favorably received by the pit, several members of

which come back at the weeded individual with some advice in regard to liquidating a longstanding account

The robber is seized with remorse, and says the money which he has taken from the dupe's pockets

"scorches" him. Robber seeks refuge in a miser's drawingroom, where he stays for "seven days." There is a

long chest full of money and diamonds in the room. The chest is unlocked, but misers very frequently go off

and leave long chests full of money unlocked in their drawingrooms for seven days, and this robber was too

much of a gentleman to take advantage of this particular miser's absence. By and by the miser returns, when

the robber quietly kills him and chucks him in the chest. "Sleep with your gold, old man!" says the bold

robber, as he melodramatically retreatsretreats to a cellar, where the servant girl resides. Finds that she was

formerly his gal when he resided in the rural districts, and regrets having killed so many persons, for if so be

he hadn't he might marry her and settle down, whereas now he can't do it, as he says he is "unhappy." But he

gives her a ringa ring he has stolen from the dupeand flies. Presently the dupe, who has come to life in a

singular but eminently theatrical manner, is brought into the cellar. He discovers the ring upon the servant

girl's fingerservant girl states that she is innocent, and the dupe, with the remark that he sees his mother,

dies, this time positively without reserve. Servant girl is taken to Newgate, whither goes the robber and gains

admission by informing the turnkey that he is her uncle. Throws off his disguise, and, like a robber bold and

gay, says he is the guilty party and will save the servant girl. He drinks a vial of poison, says he sees HIS

mother, and dies to slow fiddling. Servant girl throws herself upon him wildly, and the virtuous young party

in a shorttailed coat comes in and assists in the tableau. Robber tells the servant girl to take the party in the

shorttailed coat and be happy, repeats that he sees his mother (they always do), and dies again. Cries of "Hi!

Not a remarkably heavy plot, but quite as bulky as the plots of the Broadway sensation pieces.

My name is Jim Griggins. I'm a low thief. My parients was ignorant folks, and as poor as the shadder of a

bean pole. My advantages for gettin' a eddycation was exceedin' limited. I growed up in the street, quite loose

and permiskis, you see, and took to vice because I had nothing else to take to, and because nobody had never

I'm in the penitentiary. I was sent here onct before for priggin' a watch. I served out my time, and now I'm

I shall always blame my parients for not eddycatin' me. Had I been liberally eddycated I could, with my

brilliant native talents, have bin a big thiefI b'leeve they call 'em defaulters. Instead of confinin' myself to

priggin' clothes, watches, spoons, and sich like, I could have plundered princely sumsthousands and

hundreds of thousands of dollarsand that old humbug, the Law, wouldn't have harmed a hair of my head!

For, you see, I should be smart enough to get elected State Treasurer, or have something to do with Banks or

Railroads, and perhaps a little of both. Then, you see, I could ride in my carriage, live in a big house with a

free stun frunt, drive a fast team, and drink as much gin and sugar as I wanted. A inwestigation might be

made, and some of the noospapers might come down on me heavy, but what the dl would I care about

that, havin' previously taken precious good care of the stolen money? Besides, my "party" would swear stout

that I was as innersunt as the newborn babe, and a great many people would wink very pleasant, and say,

But havin' no eddycation, I'm only a low thiefa stealer of watches and spoons and sicha low wretch,

It's all right, I spose, and yet I sometimes think it's wery hard to be shut up here, a wearin' checkered clothes,

a livin' on cold vittles, a sleepin' on iron beds, a lookin' out upon the world through iron muskeeter bars, and

poundin' stun like a galley slave, day after day, week after week, and year after year, while my brother

thieves (for to speak candid, there's no difference between a thief and a defaulter, except that the latter is forty

times wuss), who have stolen thousands of dollars to my one cent, are walkin' out there in the bright

sunshinedressed up to kill, new clothes upon their backs and piles of gold in their pockets! But the Law

don't tech 'em. They are too big game for the Law to shoot at. It's as much as the Law can do to take care of

Who said there was no difference 'tween tweedledum and tweedledee? He lied in his throat, like a villain as

I was sitting in the bar, quietly smokin a frugal pipe, when two middleaged and sternlooking females and a

young and pretty female suddenly entered the room. They were accompanied by two umberellers and a negro

"Do you feel for the downtrodden?" said one of the females, a thinfaced and sharpvoiced person in green

"Do I feel for it?" ansered the lan'lord, in a puzzled voice" do I feel for it?"

"You see this man?" said the female, pintin her umbreller at the negro gentleman.

"Yes!" said the female, raisin her voice to a exceedin high pitch, "you see him, and he's your brother!"

"No, I'm darned if he is!" said the lan'lord, hastily retreating to his beercasks.

"And yours!" shouted the excited female, addressing me. "He is also your brother!"

"No, I think not, marm," I pleasantly replied. "The nearest we come to that color in our family was the case of

my brother John. He had the janders for sev'ral years, but they finally left him. I am happy to state that, at the

I looked at him. He was an ablebodied, welldressed, comfortablelooking negro. He looked as though he

"Well," said the lan'lord, "why don't you go to the willins about it? Why do you come here tellin us niggers is

our brothers, and brandishin your umbrellers round us like a lot of lunytics? You're wuss than the

"Have you," said middleaged female No. 2, who was a quieter sort of person, "have you no sentimentno

poetry in your soulno love for the beautiful? Dost never go into the green fields to cull the beautiful

"I not only never dost," said the landlord, in an angry voice, "but I'll bet you five pound you can't bring a man

"I would I were a bird, that I might fly to thou!" I humorously sung, casting a sweet glance at the pretty

"Don't you look in that way at my dawter!" said female No. 1., in a violent voice; "you're old enough to be

"'Twas an innocent look, dear madam," I softly said. "You behold in me an emblem of innocence and purity.

In fact, I start for Rome by the first train tomorrow to sit as a model to a celebrated artist who is about to

sculp a statue to be called Sweet Innocence. Do you s'pose a sculper would send for me for that purpose

"It is my opinyn," said the leading female, "that you're a scoffer and a wretch! Your mind is in a wusser

beclouded state than the poor nergoes' we are seeking to aid. You are a groper in the dark cellar of sin. O

"As for you," said the enraged female to the landlord, "you're a degraded bein, too low and wulgar to talk to."

"This is the sparklin fount for me, dear sister!" cried the lan'lord, drawin and drinkin a mug of beer. Having

He said they was trying to raise money to send missionaries to the Southern States in America to preach to

the vast numbers of negroes recently made free there. He said they were without the gospel. They were

I said, "My fren," this is a seris matter. I admire you for trying to help the race to which you belong, and far

be it from me to say anything again carrying the gospel among the blacks of the South. Let them go to them

by all means. But I happen to individually know that there are some thousands of liberated blacks in the

South who are starvin. I don't blame anybody for this, but it is a very sad fact. Some are really too ill to work,

some can't get work to do, and others are too foolish to see any necessity for workin. I was down there last

winter and I observed that this class had plenty of preachin for their souls, but skurce any vittles for their

stummux. Now, if it is proposed to send flour and bacon along with the gospel, the idea is really an excellent

one. If, on t'other hand, it is proposed to send preachin alone, all I can say is that it's a hard case for the

niggers. If you expect a colored person to get deeply interested in a tract when his stummuck is empty, you

I gave the negro as much as I could afford, and the kindhearted lan'lord did the same. I said:

"Farewell, my colored fren, I wish you well, certainly. You are now as free as the eagle. Be like him and soar.

But don't attempt to convert a Ethiopian person while his stummuck yearns for vittles. And you, ladiesI

hope you are ready to help the poor and unfortunate at home, as you seem to help the poor and unfortunate

When they had gone, the lan'lord said, "Come into the garden, Ward." And we went and culled some carrots

[The following fragment from the pen of Artemus Ward was written in the last days of his illness, and was

found amongst the loose papers on the table beside his bed. It contains the last written jests of the dying

jester, and is illustrative of that strong spirit of humor which even extreme exhaustion and the near approach

There is an anecdote related of Thomas Hood to the effect that when he was just upon the point of dying, his

friend, Mr. F.O. WARD, visited him, and, to amuse him, related some of his adventures in the low parts of

the metropolis in his capacity as a sanitary commissioner. "Pray desist," said Hood; "your anecdote gives me

the backslumbago." The proximity of death could no more deprive poor Artemus of his power to jest than

it could Thomas Hood. When nothing else was left him to joke upon, when he could no longer seek fun in the

city streets, or visit the Tower of London and call it "a sweet boon," his own shattered self suggested a theme

for jesting. He commenced this paper "On Health." The purport of it, I believe, was to ridicule doctors

generally; for Artemus was bitterly sarcastic on his medical attendants, and he had some good reasons for

being so. A few weeks before he died, a German physician examined his throat with a laryngoscope, and told

him that nothing was the matter with him except a slight inflammation of the larynx. Another physician told

him that he had heart disease, and a third assured him that he merely required his throat to be sponged two or

three times a day, and take a preparation of tortoise shell for medicine, to perfectly recover! Every doctor

made a different diagnosis, and each had a different specific. One alone of the many physicians to whom

Artemus applied seemed to be fully aware that the poor patient was dying of consumption in its most

formidable form. Not merely phthisis, but a cessation of functions and a wasting away of the organs most

concerned in the vital processes. Artemus saw how much the doctors were at fault, and used to smile at them

with a sadly scornful smile as they left the sick room. "I must write a paper," said he, "about health and

doctors." The few paragraphs which follow are, I believe, all that he wrote on the subject. Whether the matter

became too serious to him for further jesting, or whether his hand became too weak to hold the pen, I cannot

say. The article terminates as abruptly as did the life of its gentle, kind, illfated author.

Ontil quite recent, I've bin a helthy individooal. I'm near 60, and yit I've got a muskle into my arms which

don't make my fists resemble the tread of a canary bird when they fly out and hit a man.

Only a few weeks ago I was exhibitin in East Skowhegan, in a b'ildin which had form'ly bin ockepyied by a

pugylistone of them fellers which hits from the shoulder, and teaches the manly art of self defens. And he

cum and said he was goin in free, in consekence of previ'sly ockepyin sed b'ildin, with a large yeller dog. I

sed, "To be sure, sir, but not with those yeller dogs." He sed, "Oh, yes." I sed, "Oh, no." He sed, "Do you

want to be ground to powder?" I sed, "Yes, I do, if there is a powdergrindist handy." When he struck me a

disgustin blow in my left eye, which caused that concern to at once close for repairs; but he didn't hurt me

any more. I went for him. I went for him energet'cally. His parents live near by, and I will simply state that 15

minits after I'd gone for him, his mother, seein the prostrate form of her son approachin the house on to a

shutter carrid by four men, run out doors, keerfully looked him over, and sed, "My son, you've been foolin

round a thrashin masheen. You went in at the end where they put the grain in, come out with the straw, and

then got up in the thingumajig and let the hosses tred on you, didn't you, my son?"

The fust of my ancestors that I know anything about was Abijah Ward and his wife, Abygil Ward who came

over with the Pilgrims in the "Mayflower." Most of the Pilgrims was sick on the passige, but my ancestor

wasn't. Even when the tempist raged and the billers howled, he sold another Pilgrim a kag of apple sass. The

Pilgrim who bo't it was angry when he found that under a few layers of sass the rest was sawdust, and my

ancestor sed he wouldn't have b'leeved such wickedness could exist, when he ascertained that the bill sed

Pilgrim gave him was onto a broken bank, and wasn't wuth the price of a glass of new gin. It will be thus seen

My ancestors has all bin helthy people, tho' their pursoots in life has been vari's.

[Among the papers, letters and miscellanea left on the table of poor Ward was found the fragment which

follows. Diligent search failed to discover any beginning or end to it. The probability is that it consists of part

of a paper intended to describe a comic trip round England. To write a comic itinerary of an English tour was

one of the author's favorite ideas; and another favorite one was to travel on the Continent and compile a

comic "Murray's Guide." No interest attaches to this mere scrap other than that it exemplifies what the writer

At North Berwick there was a maniacal stampede toward the little house by the railside, where they sell such

immense quantities of spongecake, which is very sweet and very yellow, but which lies rather more heavily

on the stomach than raw turnips, as I ascertained one day from actual experience. This is not stated because I

have any spite against this little house by the railside. Their mincepies are nobly made, and their applepies

are unsurpassed. Some years ago there used to be a very pretty girl at this house, and one day, while I was

struggling rapidly with a piece of mincepie, I was so unfortunate as to wink slightly at her. The rash act was

discovered by a yellowhaired party, who stated that she was to be his wife ere long, and that he "expected"

he could lick any party who winked at her. A cursory examination of his frame convinced me that he could

lick me with disgustin ease, so I told him it was a complaint of the eyes. "They are both so," I added, "and

they have been so from infancy's hour. See here!" And I commenced winking in a frightful manner. I

escaped, but it was inconvenient for me for some time afterwards, because whenever I passed over the road I

naturally visited the refreshment house, and was compelled to wink in a manner which took away the

appetites of other travellers, and one day caused a very old lady to state, with her mouth full of spongecake,

that she had cripples and drunkards in her family, but thanks to the heavens above, no idiots without any

That was years ago. Besides, the wink was a pure accident. I trust that my unblemished characterbut I will

There have been several editions of the Works of Artemus Ward. The Following appeared in THE

Frends and Feller Passingers.I'm e'en a most tiard ov statin my convicshuns regarden them Mormoness

plooralyties, which sits theirselves round Mister Yung's grate table when the dinnerbell booms merryly

Heavy figgerin isn't my berthrite; it's the nobil contemplativ what's the pecoolar offshute of these massiv

Wall, all A. W. nose abowt it is thet his luvly contemplativ wun day used up the MulteplyKashun tabul in

kountin the long Stockins on a close line in Brigham's back yardand he soddingly had to leave, fer the site

[A friend of Artemus Ward's sends the following, with the request that it may be included in the present

The solumncholies hev bin onto A. W. now and agin, as it dus to most ov the fourlorned human naturs in

this Vayl of Tares. She's tickled me considerabull sumtimsonly it was the wrong wa. Most human naturs

She was heviest onter me the fust yeer I ever owned a Umbrellar. I was going on 18 yeer old then, and praid

for rane as bad as any drideup farmer. I wantid to show that umBrellarI wantid to mak sum persnul

apeerents with that brellarI desirud Jim parker and Hiram Goss to witness the siteI felt my birthWrite

I'd unhook'd frum Betsy Jain fur a spell(canfidenshal, leastways, I hadn't commenced cortin up to her rite

down in ernest then)and kum evenin I went over to the Widder Blakes. I'd the umBrellar along, and opun'd

it outside the doorpretendin I couldn't klose it like, so that the dawter could hev a good Luke at my

property. But it wuz no use; the new Brellar didn't take, and Sally sed she thort I "needn't cum agin !"

I hev bin many wheres, and seen sum few in this erthly Tavernknuckle, but ov all the solum hours I ever

speeriunsed the 1 ockepied in going hum that partickler nite frum the Widders was the most solumm.

[The following amusing critique or report of Artemus Ward's favourite lecture entitled "The Babes in the

wood" was written the day after its first delivery in San Francisco, California, by one of the contributors to

the Golden Era. As an imitation of A. Ward's burlesque orthography it is somewhat overdone; but it has,

nevertheless, certain touches of humour which will amuse the English reader. Why the lecture is called "The

Nite befoar larst was an Erer in the annals of Sand Francisco; yis, an Erer; I sa it, and I guess I know what a

Erer is! I gess I do! It's something like this noosepaper, for instance; something that's gut a big Injin onto it;

though the Big Injin Fryday Nite had his close on, which this moril Jernal's Injin hasn't, bein intended to

I hearn thare was to be a show up to Mr Platt's Haul on the occashun allewded to; so I took Maria An an' the

childrenwith the excepshun of the smollest wun, which, under the inflewence of tired Nachure's sweet

restorer, Missis Winslow's Soothin Syrup, was rapped in barmy slumbersup to prayer meetin; and after

havin excoosed myself to the pardner of my boosom, on the plee of havin swallered a boks of Bristol's

SugarCoated Pills, I slipt out and went down to the Haul, thinkin I would have a little relaxation. Prubably

Mariar An thought so too. (That are a double entender, but I didn't intend it.) Although I arrove quite airly, I

found a few Individools I mean to sa I found but few who ware notalready in the Haul. I would not on no

account whatsumdever, no how you can fix it, deceeve nobody nor nothin', for I am a pieus man, and send

my wife to church, and addhere to the trooth; and yit, I ventoor to assurt, that I never in all my born dase

It seemed as tho the hole populashun had turned out en massy to welcum the gratist wit of his age.He is

The curtin rozeno, I do not desire to misrepresent faxthere was no curtinI think thare should have

The lectoor commenced at a few minutes past ateprecisely. The gay and gifted Artemus stepped to his

place, and after acknowledging my presence by a polite bow, prooeeded to define the platform on which he

stoodOregon pine. The papers, with thare usuil fidelity to fax, had stated that the entertainment would

consist only of a lectoor, that the kangaroo waxfiggers would not be introdooced"dooced queer," thinks I,

and I soon discovered the telegram; for Mr. Ward used a number of figgersof speech.

Thare ware also severeil animils thare, thare was, tho I don't know whether they belonged to him, as they was

Some of the funniest of the fundymentall principles of the lectoor escaped merather I escaped

thempartly owin to the fokes squeeging in at the dore, and partly owin to a pretty but frail gurl wayin all

the way from 200 up to 250 lbs. avoirdoopois, which sot herself rite onto my lap.

Mr Ward statid that he would not give a fillosoffical lectoornor an astronomical lectoornordid he say

what kind of lectoor he would give. The subjec was, however, the "Babes in the Wood." He has had the

Babes in the Wood sum time. Mr. Ward is not richbut is doin as well as could be expected.

It is one of the lectoors you read about, you knowhere. Yis, I sa it's a great moril lectoor; I sa it boldly,

The structoor of the lectoor was as they sa in architectoor of the compost like ordoor; first a stratter of this,

then a stratter of that; that is to sakinder mixed, you know. It was on the aneckdotale plan, and speakin of

aneckdotes reminds me of a little storyit is wun of Mr Ward's, by the way; it will bare repitition it lass,

so far, stood it very well. It is of a young made, hoose name it was Mehitabullsome of it, at

leastenufffor the present porpussusand of a nobil and galyunt lovyier, which his naim it was John

Jones. This young man was a patrut, tho oppoged to coershun. The enrolin officer going his rounds was

beheld by this young man wile yit he was afar off, the site was not a welcum wun to John, and it propelled

him to seek proteekshun of his plited wun, in hoose hous he was at that critical moment. Time was preshus.

What was too be dun? The enemy was now neer at hand. "Git under my hoops," sez Mehitabull. The heroick

He stopped a our. After witch he stopped anuther our; after witch he continuood to stop.

During this time John Jones was garspin for breath. At last he felt he cood endoor it no longer,

withoutingoory to his helth. He put his hed out of his strong hold and sed to the amazed offisser, "I think

The abov is a correct report of the story as I heern itI only heern the naims, fancy has supplide the rest.

P.S.I larfed all the wa home; observin witch severil peple gave me the hole walk, evidently taking me for a

A. Ward will shortly lecshoor on Asstronmy, I heer, partickly upon the Konstlashun ov the Suthern Cross,

[Shortly after the publication in this country of "Artemus Ward His Book," I received from a friend the

following article, purporting to have been written by Mr. W. during a stay in Bristol. The sketch appeared in

the "Bristol Record,"* and upon writing to the editor for further information concerning it, I received from

that gentleman such a cautious reply as confirmed a previous suspicion that "the showman" had not visited

the great western city, and that the article was either a concoction in Mr. Ward's style, or one of the papers of

Josh Billings, an imitator of Mr. W., slightly altered to suit the locality of its republication. Whether these

conjectures are correct or not, the article is here given for the English reader's criticism, and, although not

equal in humour to A. Ward's more successful pieces, certain pleasantries of expression and droll

Prefixed to the article in the Record was the following:" A letter has just been shown to us, of which we

subjoin a portion, from which it will appear that Mr. (we suppress the name for obvious reasons) is not the

only illustrious American who is sojourning at present at Clifton. Artemus Ward has retired for the present

from his professional duties, in consequence of the rough treatment which he lately received in the Southern

States. His admirers have sent him to England to recruit, and he was last week at Clifton, and dined with Mr.

. We are violating no literary confidence in mentioning the above, as Mr. Ward is combining business with

pleasure, and his letters will appear in the New York Tribune, to which journal he has temporarily attached

WALL, we had a just sittled down to our wine, when sez the Squire soddenlick, "Mr. W., would you like to

"A Picturshew," sed he, "with a swoiree between, and all the fashionables of this interestin location there."

So we put on our gotomeetings, and yaller kidskins, and sot off. There was a purty tidy fixin of shrubs

and statooary as we went in (but nuthin ekal to the Bowery Saloon, New York!), and stairs up and stairs

First we go up into a big room with a blaze o' lite and a crowd of cumpany. The Squire whispers to me, and

sez he'll pint out the lokial celebrities. At the end of the room is a great pictur, representin a stout femail on a

tarnation dark background. The critters scrowded up to it, and looked on in hor. Presently I feels the Squire

"Do you see that individooal," sed he, "with Hyacinthian curls, and his eye in a fine frenzy rollin! That's the

So I pushed up cloas, and sed I to the creteck, "Wall, Mister, what dew think of that air piece of canvas

At first he Ide me loftily, and made no reply. At last he spoak (with grate deliberashun). "Not yet have I

mastered the pictur. I'm a studyin of the onperfectlyseen vizionoimies behind. Them guards is a

phernomenon. The soul of the painter has projected itself thrugh the august glooms."

"Don't see it," sez I. "Them shadders want glazinand the middletints is no whur. Guess if Hiram

Applesquash (our 'domestic decorator' to hum) had pertrayed them guards, he would hev slicked off their

"Hullo!" sed I next, "whose been and stolen a signboard, and stuck it up in this refined society?"

"That, sair," sez he, with severity, "is a portrait of his Majusty the King of Denmark, lately disEased."

"A portraickt of his cloze, you mean," sez I. "Is that sprorling pictur a work of art? (N.B.This I sed

sarcasticul.) Hiram A. touched off a new Sign for the Tavern at Baldinsville jest before I saled, and his

'President's Head' would bete this by a long chalk any day." With that I scowled at the Creteck, and left him

Arter this we went down into the Colehole, wich they had cleaned out for the night and whitewashed. Here

I own was buties of natur. I always had a liken for watercolar paintin, and sometimes take a sketcht in that

way myself. Me and Squire tried to get a good look, but was engulphed in an oshun of hot galls, who kinder

steamed again. The gas, close over our heads, nigh made our brains bile over, so sez I, "Let's make tracks out

of this, Squire. It ain't civet (Schakspar) here. This parfume of humanity is horrid unhandsome."

"A sherry cobbler would be more to the purpose," says I, "but if they hev none of them coolin drinks at art

sworricks, here goes for the Moky." (N.B.This I sed ironical. Korfy at sworricks is usually burnt beans.)

So we med our way into another room, with 2 barcounters, and a crowd of people pushin and drivin to get

forrerd. They knocked and elbered me about till I felt my dander riz. "Come on, Squire," sez I, setting my

arms a kimber; "take care, my old coons, of your tendur Korns and Bunyans. Look out for your ribs, for I've

crooked my elbers," and forrerd I goes with Squire follerin' in my wake. Bimeby a woman's long skirt gets

between my legs, and I spins round and goes kerslash into the stumuck of a fat old gentleman, who was just

blowin his third cup. He med a spaired his breath though! kerslap I goes into his wastecote, and kesouse goes

his coffy over his shoulders onto hed and neck of a bony old made with a bird of Pardice in her artificial

She looked imprekashuns, and turned away ortily, mopping herself down with a laced noserag.

The Old gentleman was more cholerick. "Cuss your clumsiness," says he, "can't you come to a graffick

"I didn't go for to do it," sez I, "and jest put the Sadll on the right hoss, mister," I continerred. "If this femail

behind didn't carry so much slack foresail, she wuddn't hev entangled my spars and careened me over."

Arter this I would try no more of their allfired corfy. Squire had had enough of the Sworrick, so we made

"Bringup a quart of brandy," sez the Squire, "and a bilin o' lemons and sugar. Mr. W.," sez he, "there's not

much of me left. Let's liquor up! Let's have a smoke and a cocktail." So we mixes, and had an entertaining

discorse on polite literatoor. "Dodrabbit the sworrick," says Squire. "Say no more about it. I was a fool, Mr

After a while we got cheerful and sung "ale Columby" (it's a fine voice the Squire has for a dooet). Respect

for the soshul Borde makes me now cave in and klose my commoonication. Squire is a grate filantherpist,

but he's not grate at stowing away his licker. I tuk him to bed after the 3d tumbler, that the cuss of a british

Waiter might not see one of us free enlightened citizens onable to walk strate. He said it was a wet night, and

demanded his umburella. Likewise he wouldn't hev his boots off, for fere of catchin cold. I put the candle in

the washbasan that the critter mightn't set hisself on fire, and left him in bed with his umburella up, singing

Arter that I went down and finished the mahogany. (Brandy and water, the ruddy appearance of which

indicates that very little of the latter has been used in its composition. Spanish is the stronger, and Honduras

(The following rough report of Artemus Ward's Lecture in California Appeared in the "San Francisco Era,"

during the lecturer's visit to that city. It has been thought worthy of preservation in the form of a

FELLERCITIZENS AND FELLERCITIZENESSES,I feel truly glad to see you here tonight, more

especially those who have paid, although I am too polite to say how many are here who have not paid, but

who take a base advantage of the goodnature of my friend and manager, Hingston, bothering him to give

them free tickets, gratis, and also for nothing; and my former friend and manager, Rosenberg, assures me that

the best way to prevent a person from enjoying any entertainment is to admit them without the equivalent

Talking of free tickets, my first lecture was a wonderful success house so full that everybody who could

Walking about Salt Lake City on the morning before the lecture, I met Elder Kimball. Well, I most

imprudently gave him a family ticket. That ticket filled the house, and left about a dozen of the young

Kimballs howling in the cold. After that I limited my family tickets to "Admit Elder Jones, ten wives, and

You may perhaps be astonished that I, a rather fascinating bachelor, escaped from Salt Lake City without the

loss of my innocence. Well I will confess, confidentially, that was only by the skin of my teeth, and thanks to

the virtuous lecturing of my friend Hingston, whose British prejudices amainst Bigamy, Trigamy, and

About six hours before I arrived an elder died. I think his name was Smith. You may have heard that name

before; but it isn't the Smith you knowit is quite another Smith. Well, this defunct elder left a small

assortment of wives behind himI think there were seventeenof all ages, from seventeen to seventy. This

miscellaneous gathering included three grandmothers, a fact which lent a venerable sanctity to the affair. I

received an invitationI wentand was introduced to the whole seventeen widows at once. Sam Weller or

Dr. Shelton MackenzieI forget whichsays, "One widow is dangerous;" but, perhaps, there is safety in a

multitude of them. All I know is, that they made the tenderest appeals to me, as a man and a brother; but I

threw myself upon their mercyI told them I was far away from my parents and my Sainted Maria, and that

I was a good young man; and finally, I begged to know if their intentions were honourable?

They grew more and more tendertwo put their arms around me and pinioned me, while the other fifteen

drew large shears from their pockets, and, under pretence of getting a lock of hair for each, they left me as

bare as a gooseegg. Indians couldn't have scalped me closer. I made Samsonlike my escape from these

Delilahs by stratagem. I assured them that I was sickening for the measles, which, like love, is always the

more fatal the later it comes in life. I also told them that my friend Hingston was a much better looking man

than I was; also that he was an Englishman, and that, according to that nation's creed, every Englishman is

equal to five Americans and five hundred Frenchmen: consequently there would be some to spare of him.

This happy thought saved me. I was let off upon solemnly promising to deliver Hingston into their arms,

bound, Laocoonlike, by the serpent spells of their charms, or, like Regulus, potted and preserved in a barrel

Hingston, little dreaming of the sale I had made of him, went on the pretended errand of conveying to these

seventeen beauties a farewell bouquet. Poor fellow! that is the last I ever saw of himhe was never heard of

The gentleman who acts as my manager is somebody else. I must ask the indulgence of the audience for

twenty minutes, while I drop a few tears to his memory. (Here Artemus holds his head over a barrel, and the

As I feel a little better, I will recommence my lectureI don't mean to defend Mormonismindeed, I have

no hesitation in affirming, and I affirm it boldly, and I would repeat the observation to my own wife's face, if

I had one, but as I haven't one, I'll say it boldly to every other man's wife, that I don't think it wise to marry

more than one wife at a time, without it is done to oblige the ladies, and then it should be done sparingly, and

not oftener than three times a day, for the marriage ceremony isn't lightly to be repeated. But I want to tell

"Artemus, my boy," said he, "you don't know how often a man marries against his will. Let me recite one

case out of a hundred that has happened to myself. About three months ago a family arrived here they were

from Hobokeneverybody knows how beautiful the Jersey girls arewith the exception of applejack, they

are the nicest things Jersey produces. Well, this family consisted of four daughters, a mother and two

grandmothers, one with teeth, the other without. I took a fancy to the youngest of the girls, and proposed.

After considerable reflection she said: 'I can't think of marrying you without you marry my three sisters as

"After some considerable hesitation I agreed, and went to the girl's mother for her consent: 'No objection to

your marrying my four girls, but you'll have to take me as well.' After a little reflection, I consented, and went

to the two grandmothers for their consent:'No objection,' said the old dames in a breath, 'but you'll have to

marry us as well. We cannot think of separating the family.' After a little cosy hesitation on my part, I finally

agreed to swallow the two old venerable antiquities as a sort of sauce to the other five."

Under these circumstances, who can wonder at Brigham Young being the most highly married man in the

Republic? In a word, he is too much marriedindeed, if I were he, I should say two hundred and too much

As I see my esteemed friend Joe Whitton, of Niblo's Garden, sitting right before me, I will give him an

anecdote which he will appreciate. There is considerable barter in Salt Lake Cityhorses and cows are good

for hundreddollar greenbacks, while pigs, dogs, cats, babies, and pickaxes are the fractional currency. I dare

say my friend Joe Whitton would be as much astonished as I was after my first lecture. Seeing a splendid

house I naturally began to reckon my spondulics. Full of this Pactolean vision, I went into my treasurer's

"Now, Hingston, my boy, let us see what the proceeds are! We shall soon make a fortune at this rate."

Hingston with the solemnity of a cashier, then read the proceeds of the lecture:

"Three cows, one with horns, and two without, but not a stumptail; fourteen pigs, alive and grunting;

seventeen hams, sugar cured; three babies in arms, two of them cutting their teeth, and the other sickening

with the chickencoop, or some such disease." There were no end of old hats, ladies' hoops, corsets, and

another article of clothing, generally stolen from the husband. There was also a secondhand coffin, three

barrels of turnips, and a peck of coals; there was likewise a footless pair of stockings without the legs, and a

pair of embroidered gaiters, a little worn. If I could find the legs belonging to themwell, I won't say what

I'd do nowbut leave all ladies in that pleasing state of expectation which is true happiness. Ladies and

gentlemen, my lecture is doneif you refuse to leave the hall, you'll be forcibly ejected.

26. 7.22. A. WARD AMONG THE MORMONS.--REPORTED BY HIMSELF--OR SOMEBODY ELSE., page = 36