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The Complete Works of Artemus Ward, Part 6..............................................................................................1

Charles Farrar Browne .............................................................................................................................1

PART VI. ARTEMUS WARD'S PANORAMA. ...................................................................................1

6.1. PREFATORY NOTE BY MELVILLE D. LANDON....................................................................1

6.2. THE EGYPTIAN HALL LECTURE..............................................................................................2

6.3. "THE TIMES" NOTICE. ...............................................................................................................15

6.4. PROGRAMME OF THE EGYPTIAN HALL LECTURE...........................................................16

The fame of Artemus Ward culminated in his last lectures at Egyptian Hall, Piccadilly, the final one breaking

off abruptly on the evening of the 23d of January, 1867. That night the great humorist bade farewell to the

public, and retired from the stage to die! His Mormon lectures were immensely successful in England. His

fame became the talk of journalists, savants, and statesmen. Every one seemed to be affected differently, but

every one felt and acknowledged his power. "The Honorable Robert Lowe," says Mr. E.P. HINGSTON,

Artemus Ward's bosom friend, "attended the Mormon lecture one evening, and laughed as hilariously as any

one in the room. The next evening Mr. John Bright happened to be present. With the exception of one or two

The "London Standard," in describing his first lecture in London, aptly said, "Artemus dropped his jokes

faster than the meteors of last night succeeded each other in the sky. And there was this resemblance between

the flashes of his humor and the flights of the meteors, that in each case one looked for jokes or meteors, but

they always came just in the place that one least expected to find them. Half the enjoyment of the evening

lay, to some of those present, in listening to the hearty cachinnation of the people, who only found out the

jokes some two or three minutes after they were made, and who laughed apparently at some grave statements

of fact. Reduced to paper, the showman's jokes are certainly not brilliant; almost their whole effect lies in

their seeming impromptu character. They are carefully led up to, of course; but they are uttered as if they are

His humor was so entirely fresh and unconventional, that it took his hearers by surprise, and charmed them.

His failing health compelled him to abandon the lecture after about eight or ten weeks. Indeed, during that

brief period he was once or twice compelled to dismiss his audience. Frequently he sank into a chair and

nearly fainted from the exertion of dressing. He exhibited the greatest anxiety to be at his post at the

appointed time, and scrupulously exerted himself to the utmost to entertain his auditors. It was not because he

was sick that the public was to be disappointed, or that their enjoyment was to be diminished. During the last

few weeks of his lecturegiving, he steadily abstained from accepting any of the numerous invitations he

received. Had he lived through the following London fashionable season, there is little doubt that the room at

the Egyptian Hall would have been thronged nightly. The English aristocracy have a fine, delicate sense of

humor, and the success, artistic and pecuniary, of "Artemus Ward" would have rivalled that of the famous

"Lord Dundreary." There were many stupid people who did not understand the "fun" of Artemus Ward's

books. There were many stupid people who did not understand the fun of Artemus Ward's lecture on the

Mormons. Highly respectable peoplethe pride of their parishwhen they heard of a lecture "upon the

Mormons," expected to see a solemn person, full of old saws and new statistics, who would denounce the sin

of polygamy,and rave without limit against Mormons. These uncomfortable Christians do not like humor.

They dread it as a certain personage is said to dread holy water, and for the same reason that thieves fear

policemenit finds them out. When these good idiots heard Artemus offer if they did not like the lecture in

Piccadilly, to give them free tickets for the same lecture in California, when he next visited that country, they

turned to each other indignantly, and said, "What use are tickets for California to US? WE are not going to

California. No! we are too good, too respectable to go so far from home. The man is a fool!" One of these

vestrymen complained to the doorkeeper, and denounced the lecturer as an impostor"and," said the

wealthy parishioner, "as for the panorama, it is the worst painted thing I ever saw."

During the lecture Artemus was always as solemn as the grave. Sometimes he would seem to forget his

audience, and stand for several seconds gazing intently at his panorama. Then he would start up and remark

apologetically, "I am very fond of looking at my pictures." His dress was always the sameevening toilet.

His manners were polished, and his voice gentle and hesitating. Many who had read of the man who spelled

joke with a "g," looked for a smart old man with a shrewd cock eye, dressed in vulgar velvet and gold, and

they were hardly prepared to see the accomplished gentleman with slim physique and delicate white hands.

The letters of Artemus Ward in "Punch" from the tomb of Shakspeare and the London Tower, had made him

famous in England, and in his audience were the nobility of the realm. His first lecture in London was

delivered at Egyptian Hall, on Tuesday, November 13th, 1866. The room used was that which had been

occupied by Mr. Arthur Sketchley, adjoining the one in which Mr. Arthur Smith formerly made his

appearances. The stage, with the curtain down, had this appearance while Artemus was delivering his

Punctually at eight o'clock he would step hesitatingly before the audience, and rubbing his hands bashfully,

I couldn't give you a very clear idea of the Mormonsand Utahand the Plainsand the Rocky

I don't expect to do great things herebut I have thought that if I could make money enough to by me a

I don't want to live in vain.I'd rather live in Margate or here. But I wish when the Egyptians built this

If you should be dissatisfied with anything here tonightI will admit you all free in New Zealandif you

will come to me there for the orders. Any respectable cannibal will tell you where I live. This shows that I

I really don't care for money. I only travel round to see the world and to exhibit my clothes. These clothes I

How often do large fortunes ruin young men! I should like to be ruined, but I can get on very well as I am.

I am not an Artist. I don't paint myselfthough perhaps if I were a middleaged single lady I shouldyet I

have a passion for picturesI have had a great many pictures photographs taken of myself. Some of them

are very pretty rather sweet to look at for a short timeand as I said before, I like them. I've always loved

I could draw on wood at a very tender age. When a mere child I once drew a small cartload of raw turnips

over a wooden bridge.the people of the village noticed me. I drew their attention. They said I had a future

Time passed on. It always does, by the way. You may possibly have noticed that Time passes on.It is a

I became a man. I haven't distinguished myself at all as an artistbut I have always been more or less mixed

up with Art. I have an uncle who takes photographsand I have a servant whotakes anything he can get

When I was in RomeRome in New York State I meana distinguished sculpist wanted to sculp me. But I

said "No." I saw through the designing man. My model once in his handshe would have flooded the

market with my busts and I couldn't stand it to see everybody going round with a bust of me. Everybody

would want one of courseand wherever I should go I should meet the educated classes with my bust,

taking it home to their families. This would be more than my modesty could standand I should have to

It was in my schoolboy days that I failed as an actor. (Artemus made many attempts as an amateur actor, but

never to his own satisfaction. He was very fond of the society of actors and actresses. Their weaknesses

amused him as much as their talents excited his admiration. One of his favorite sayings was that the world

was made up of "men, women, and the people on the stage.")The play was 'Ruins of Pompeii.'I played

the Ruins. It was not a very successful performancebut it was better than the "Burning Mountain." He was

The remembrance often makes me ask"Where are the boys of my youth?"I assure you this is not a

Hence arises a most touching question"Where are the girls of my youth?" Some are marriedsome would

Oh my Maria! Alas! she married another. They frequently do. I hope she is happybecause I am. (Spoken

with a sigh. It was a joke which always told. Artemus never failed to use it in his "Babes in the Wood"

lecture, and the "Sixty Minutes in Africa," as well as in the Mormon story.) some people are not happy. I

A gentleman friend of mine came to me one day with tears in his eyes. I said, "Why these weeps?" He said he

had a mortgage on his farmand wanted to borrow 200 pounds. I lent him the moneyand he went away.

Some time after he returned with more tears. He said he must leave me for ever. I ventured to remind him of

the 200 pounds he borrowed. He was much cut up. I thought I would not be hard upon himso I told him I

would throw off one hundred pounds. He brightenedshook my handand said"Old friendI won't

Some years ago I engaged a celebrated Living American Skeleton for a tour through Australia. He was the

thinnest man I ever saw. He was a splendid skeleton. He didn't weigh anything scarcelyand I said to

myselfthe people of Australia will flock to see this tremendous curiosity. It is a long voyageas you

knowfrom New York to Melbourne and to my utter surprise the skeleton had no sooner got out to sea

than he commenced eating in the most horrible manner. He had never been on the ocean beforeand he said

it agreed with him.I thought so!I never saw a man eat so much in my life. Beefmuttonporkhe

swallowed them all like a sharkand between meals he was often discovered behind barrels eating

hardboiled eggs. The result was that when we reached Melbourne this infamous skeleton weighed 64

I thought I was ruinedbut I wasn't. I took him on to Californiaanother very long sea voyageand when

I got him to San Francisco I exhibited him as a Fat Man. (The reader need scarcely be informed that this

narrative is about as real as "A. Ward's Snaiks," and about as much matter of fact as his journey through the

This story hasn't anything to do with my Entertainment, I knowbut one of the principal features of my

Entertainment is that it contains so many things that don't have anything to do with it.

My Orchestra is smallbut I am sure it is very goodso far as it goes. I give my pianist ten pounds a

nightand his washing. (That a good pianist could be hired for a small sum in England was a matter of

amusement to Artemus. More especially when he found a gentleman obliging enough to play anything he

desired, such as breakdowns and airs which had the most absurd relation to the scene they were used to

illustrate. In the United States his pianist was desirous of playing music of a superior order, much against the

I like Music.I can't sing. As a singist I am not a success. I am saddest when I sing. So are those who hear

The other night some silvervoiced young men came under my window and sang"Come where my love

I found music very soothing when I lay ill with fever in Utahand I was very illI was fearfully

wasted.My face was hewn down to nothingand my nose was so sharp I didn't dare to stick it into other

people's businessfor fear it would stay thereand I should never get it again. And on those dismal days a

Mormon ladyshe was marriedtho' not so much so as her husbandhe had fifteen other wivesshe

used to sing a ballad commencing "Sweet birddo not fly away!"and I told her I wouldn't.She played

I met a man in Oregon who hadn't any teethnot a tooth in his headyet that man could play on the bass

drum better than any man I ever met.He kept a hotel. They have queer hotels in Oregon. I remember one

where they gave me a bag of oats for a pillowI had nightmares of course. In the morning the landlord

(Though the serious part of the lecture was here entered upon, it was not delivered in a graver tone than that

in which he had spoken the farcicalities of the prologue. Most of the prefatory matter was given with an air of

earnest thought; the arms sometimes folded, and the chin resting on one hand. On the occasion of his first

exhibiting the panorama at New York he used a fishingrod to point out the picture with; subsequently he

availed himself of an old umbrella. In the Egyptian Hall he used his little ridingwhip.)

Permit me now to quietly state that altho' I am here with my cap and bells I am also here with some serious

descriptions of the Mormonstheir mannerstheir customsand while the pictures I shall present to your

notice are by no means works of artthey are painted from photographs actually taken on the spot (They

were photographed by Savage Ottinger, of Salt Lake City, the photographers to Brigham Young.)and I am

sure I need not inform any person present who was ever in the territory of Utah that they are as faithful as

they could possibly be. (Curtain.The picture was concealed from view during the first part of the lecture by

a crimson curtain. This was drawn together or opened many times in the course of the lecture, and at odd

points of the lecture. I am not aware that Artemus himself could have explained why he caused the curtain to

be drawn at one place and not at another. Probably he thought it to be one of his good jokes that it should shut

I went to Great Salt Lake City by way of California? (That is, he went by steamer from New York to

Aspinwall, thence across the Isthmus of Panama by railway, and then from Panama to California by another

Oblige me by calmly gazing on the steamer "Ariel"and when you go to California be sure and go on some

When I reached the "Ariel"at pier No. 4New YorkI found the passengers in a state of great confusion

about their thingswhich were being thrown around by the ship's porters in a manner at once damaging and

idiotic.So great was the excitementmy fragile form was smashed this wayand jammed that waytill

finally I was shoved into a stateroom which was occupied by two middleaged femaleswho said, "Base

We reach Acapulco on the coast of Mexico in due time. Nothing of special interest occurred at

Acapulcoonly some of the Mexican ladies are very beautiful. They all have brilliant black hairhair

"black as starless night"if I may quote from the "Family Herald". It don't curl.A Mexican lady's hair

never curlsit is straight as an Indian's. Some people's hair won't curl under any circumstances.My hair

won't curl under two shillings. (Artemus always wore his hair straight until his severe illness in Salt Lake

City. So much of it dropped off during his recovery that he became dissatisfied with the long meagre

appearance his countenance presented when he surveyed it in the lookingglass. After his lecture at the Salt

Lake City Theatre he did not lecture again until we had crossed the Rocky Mountains and arrived at Denver

City, the capital of Colorado. On the afternoon he was to lecture there I met him coming out of an

ironmonger's store with a small parcel in his hand. "I want you, old fellow," he said; "I have been all around

the city for them, and I've got them at last." "Got what?" I asked. "A pair of curlingtongs. I am going to have

my hair curled to lecture in tonight. I mean to cross the plains in curls. Come home with me and try to curl it

for me. I don't want to go to any idiot of a barber to be laughed at." I played the part of friseur. Subsequently

he became his own "curlist," as he phrased it. >From that day forth Artemus was a curlyhaired man.)

(Picture of) The great thoroughfare of the imperial city of the Pacific Coast (with a sign saying "Artemus

The Chinese form a large element in the population of San Franciscoand I went to the Chinese Theatre.

A Chinese play often lasts two months. Commencing at the hero's birth, it is cheerfully conducted from week

The night I was there a Chinese comic vocalist sang a Chinese comic song. It took him six weeks to finish

itbut as my time was limited, I went away at the expiration of 215 verses. There were 11,000 verses to this

songthe chorus being "Tural lural dural, ri fol day"which was repeated twice at the end of each

versemakingas you will at once seethe appalling number of 22,000 "tural lural dural, ri fol

(Picture of) Virginia Cityin the bright new State of Nevada. (Virginia City itself is built on a ledge cut out

of the side of Mount Davidson, which rises some 9000 feet above the sea levelthe city being about half

way up its side. To Artemus Ward the wild character of the scenery, the strange manners of the redshirted

citizens, and the odd developments of the life met with in that uncouth mountaintown were all replete with

interest. We stayed there about a week. During the time of our stay he explored every part of the place, met

many old friends from the Eastern States, and formed many new acquaintances, with some of whom

acquaintance ripened into warm friendship. Among the latter was Mr. Samuel L. Clemens, now well known

as "Mark Twain." He was then subediting one of the three papers published daily in Virginia"The

Territorial Enterprise." Artemus detected in the writings of Mark Twain the indications of great humorous

power, and strongly advised the writer to seek a better field for his talents. Since then he has become a

wellknown lecturer and author. With Mark Twain, Artemus made a descent into the Gould and Curry Silver

Mine at Virginia, the largest mine of the kind, I believe in the world. The account of the descent formed a

long and very amusing article in the next morning's "Enterprise." To wander about the town and note its

strange developments occupied Artemus incessantly. I was sitting writing letters at the hotel when he came in

hurriedly, and requested me to go out with him. "Come and see some joking much better than mine," said he.

He led me to where one of Wells, Fargo Co's express wagons was being rapidly filled with silver bricks.

Ingots of the precious metal, each almost as large as an ordinary brick, were being thrown from one man to

another to load the wagon, just as bricks or cheeses are transferred from hand to hand by carters in England.

"Good old jokes those, Hingston. Good, solid Babes in the Wood," observed Artemus. Yet that evening he

lectured in "Maguire's Opera House," Virginia City, to an audience composed chiefly of miners, and the

A wonderful little cityright in the heart of the famous Washoe silver regionsthe mines of which

annually produce over twentyfive millions of solid silver. This silver is melted into solid bricksabout the

size of ordinary housebricksand carted off to San Francisco with mules. The roads often swarm with

One hundred and seventyfive miles to the east of this place are the Reese River Silver Mineswhich are

(Pointing to Panorama) The great American Desert in winter timethe desert which is so frightfully gloomy

always. No treesno housesno peoplesave the miserable beings who live in wretched huts and have

(Picture of) Plains Between Virginia City and Salt Lake, (showing a carcass attended by various scavengers,

This picture is a great work of art.It is an oil painting done in petroleum. It is by the Old Masters. It was

The most celebrated artists of London are so delighted with this picture that they come to the Hall every day

to gaze at it. I wish you were nearer to itso you could see it better. I wish I could take it to your residences

and let you see it by daylight. Some of the greatest artists in London come here every morning before

daylight with lanterns to look at it. They say they never saw anything like it beforeand they hope they

When I first showed this picture in New York, the audience were so enthusiastic in their admiration of this

picture that they called for the Artistand when he appeared they threw brickbats at him. (This portion of

the panorama was very badly painted. When the idea of having a panorama was first entertained by Artemus,

he wished to have one of great artistic merit. Finding considerable difficulty in procuring one, and also

discovering that the expense of a real work of art would be beyond his means, he resolved on having a very

bad one or one so bad in parts that its very badness would give him scope for jest. In the small towns of the

Western States, it passed very well for a firstclass picture, but what it was really worth in an artistic point of

(Next picture.) A bird'seye view of Great Salt Lake City the strange city in the Desert about which so

I know there is much interest taken in these remarkable peopleladies and gentlemenand I have thought

it better to make the purely descriptive part of my Entertainment entirely serious.I will notthenfor the

Some seventeen years ago a small band of Mormonsheaded by Brigham Youngcommenced in the

present thrifty metropolis of Utah. The population of the territory of Utah is over 100,000chiefly

Mormonsand they are increasing at the rate of from five to ten thousand annually. The converts to

Mormonism now are almost exclusively confined to English and GermansWales and Cornwall have

contributed largely to the population of Utah during the last few years. The population of Great Salt Lake

City is 20,000.The streets are eight rods wideand are neither flagged nor paved. A stream of pure

mountain spring water courses through each streetand is conducted into the Gardens of the Mormons. The

houses are mostly of adobeor sundried brickand present a neat and comfortable appearance.They

are usually a story and a half high. Now and then you see a fine modern house in Salt Lake Citybut no

house that is dirty, shabby, and dilapidatedbecause there are no absolutely poor people in Utah. Every

Mormon has a nice gardenand every Mormon has a tidy dooryard.Neatness is a great characteristic of

The Mormons profess to believe that they are the chosen people of Godthey call themselves Latterday

Saintsand they call us people of the outer world Gentiles. They say that Mr. Brigham Young is a

prophetthe legitimate successor of Joseph Smithwho founded the Mormon religion. They also say they

are authorizedby special revelation from Heavento marry as many wives as they can comfortably

This wifesystem they call pluralitythe world calls it polygamy. That at its best it is an accursed thingI

need not of course inform youbut you will bear in mind that I am here as a rather cheerful reporter of what

I saw in Utah and I fancy it isn't at all necessary for me to grow virtuously indignant over something we all

You will be surprised to hearI was amazed to seethat among the Mormon women there are some few

persons of educationof positive cultivation. As a class the Mormons are not educated peoplebut they are

by no means the community of ignoramuses so many writers have told us they were.

The valley in which they live is splendidly favored. They raise immense crops. They have mills of all kinds.

They have coalleadand silver mines. All they eatall they drinkall they wear they can produce

themselvesand still have a great abundance to sell to the gold regions of Idaho on the one handand the

The President of this remarkable communitythe head of the Mormon Churchis Brigham Young.He is

called President Youngand Brother Brigham. He is about 54 years old altho' he doesn't look to be over

45. He has sandy hair and whiskersis of medium heightand is a little inclined to corpulency. He was

born in the State of Vermont. His power is more absolute than that of any living sovereignyet he uses it

with such consummate discretion that his people are almost madly devoted to himand that they would

cheerfully die for him if they thought the sacrifice were demandedI cannot doubt.

He is a man of enormous wealth.Onetenth of everything sold in the territory of Utah goes to the

Churchand Mr. Brigham Young is the Church. It is supposed that he speculates with these fundsat all

eventshe is one of the wealthiest men now livingworth several millionswithout doubt.He is a

boldbad manbut that he is also a man of extraordinary administrative ability no one can doubt who has

watched his astounding career for the past ten years. It is only fair for me to add that he treated me with

(Picture of) West Side of Main Street, Salt Lake City. (A wagon and team stand outside the "City Bathing

The West Side of Main StreetSalt Lake Cityincluding a view of the Salt Lake Hotel. It is a temperance

hotel. (At the date of our visit, there was only one place in Salt Lake City where strong drink was allowed to

be sold. Brigham Young himself owned the property, and vended the liquor by wholesale, not permitting any

of it to be drunk on the premises. It was a coarse, inferior kind of whisky, known in Salt Lake as "Valley

Tan." Throughout the city there was no drinkingbar nor billiard room, so far as I am aware. But a drink on

the sly could always be had at one of the hardgoods stores, in the back office behind the pile of metal

saucepans; or at one of the drygoods stores, in the little parlor in the rear of the bales of calico. At the

present time I believe that there are two or three open bars in Salt Lake, Brigham Young having recognized

the right of the "Saints" to "liquor up" occasionally. But whatever other failings they may have, intemperance

cannot be laid to their charge. Among the Mormons there are no paupers, no gamblers, and no drunkards.) I

prefer temperance hotels altho' they sell worse liquor than any other kind of hotels. But the Salt Lake Hotel

sells nonenor is there a bar in all Salt Lake Citybut I found when I was thirstyand I generally

amthat I could get some very good brandy of one of the Elderson the slyand I never on any account

(Picture of) The Overland Mail Coach.That is, the den on wheels in which we have been crammed for the

past ten days and ten nights.Those of you who have been in Newgate (The manner in which Artemus

uttered this joke was peculiarly characteristic of his style of lecturing. The commencement of the sentence

was spoken as if unpremeditated; then when he had got as far as the word "Newgate," he paused, as if

AtchisonKansas. The distance is two thousand two hundred milesbut you go part of the way by rail. The

Pacific Railway is now completed from SacramentoCaliforniato FulsomCaliforniawhich only

leaves two thousand two hundred and eleven miles, to go by coach. This breaks the monotonyit came very

This edifice is the exclusive property of Brigham Young. It will comfortably hold 3,000 personsand I beg

you will believe me when I inform you that its interior is quite as brilliant as that of any theatre in London.

(Herein Artemus slightly exaggerated. The coloring of the theatre was white and gold, but it was inefficiently

lighted with oil lamps. When Brigham Young himself showed us round the theatre, he pointed out, as an

instance of his own ingenuity, that the central chandelier was formed out of the wheel of one of his old

coaches. The house is now, I believe, lighted with gas. Altogether it is a very wondrous edifice, considering

You must know that very little money is taken at the doors of this theatre. The Mormons mostly pay in

One family went in on a live pigand a man attempted to pass a "yaller dog" at the Box Officebut my

agent repulsed him. One offered me a doll for admissionanother infants' clothing.I refused to take

In the middle of the parquetin a rocking chairwith his hat onsits Brigham Young. When the play

A portion of the dresscircle is set apart for the wives of Brigham Young. From ten to twenty of them are

The East Side of Main StreetSalt Lake Citywith a view of the Council BuildingThe legislature of

Utah meets there. It is like all legislative bodies. They meet this winter to repeal the laws which they met and

made last winterand they will meet next winter to repeal the laws which they met and made this winter.

I dislike to speak about itbut it was in Utah that I made the great speech of my life. I wish you could have

heard it. I have a fine education. You may have noticed it. I speak six different

cow and sent me to college when I was quite young. During the vacation I used to teach a school of

whalesand there's where I learned to spout.I don't expect applause for a little thing like that. I wish you

could have heard that speechhowever. If Cicerohe's dead nowhe has gone from usbut if old Ciss

(Here again no description can adequately inform the reader of the drollery which characterized the lecturer.

His reference to Cicero was made in the most lugubrious manner, as if he really deplored his death and

valued him as a schoolfellow loved and lost.) could have heard that effort it would have given him the

rinderpest. I'll tell you how it was. There are stationed in Utah two regiments of U.S. troopsthe 21st from

Californiaand the 37th from Nevada. The 20onesters asked me to present a stand of colors to the

37stersand I did it in a speech so abounding in eloquence of a bold and brilliant characterand also

some sweet talkreal pretty shopkeeping talkthat I worked the enthusiasm of those soldiers up to such a

(Picture of) Brigham Young's Harem.These are the houses of Brigham Young. The first on the right is the

Lion Houseso called because a crouching stone lion adorns the central front window. The adjoining small

building is Brigham Young's officeand where he receives his visitors.The large house in the centre of

the picturewhich displays a huge beehiveis called the Bee Housethe beehive is supposed to be

symbolical of the industry of the Mormons. Mrs. Brigham Young the firstnow quite an old ladylives

here with her children. None of the other wives of the prophet live here. In the rear are the schoolhouses

Brigham Young has two hundred wives. Just think of that! Oblige me by thinking of that. That ishe has

eighty actual wives, and he is spiritually married to one hundred and twenty more. These spiritual

marriagesas the Mormons call themare contracted with aged widowswho think it a great honor to be

So we may say he has two hundred wives. He loves not wiselybut two hundred well. He is dreadfully

I saw his motherinlaw while I was there. I can't exactly tell you how many there is of herbut it's a good

deal. It strikes me that one motherinlaw is about enough to have in a familyunless you're very fond of

A few days before my arrival in UtahBrigham was married againto a young and really pretty girlbut

he says he shall stop now. He told me confidentially that he shouldn't get married any more. He says that all

he wants now is to live in peace for the remainder of his daysand have his dying pillow soothed by the

loving hands of his family. Wellthat's all rightthat's all rightI supposebut if ALL his family soothe

By the wayShakespeare indorses polygamy.He speaks of the Merry Wives of Windsor. How many

Some of these Mormons have terrific families. I lectured one night by invitation in the Mormon village of

Provost, but during the day I rashly gave a leading Mormon an order admitting himself and familyit was

before I knew that he was much marriedand they filled the room to overflowing. It was a great

(Picture of) Heber C. Kimball's Harem.Mr. C. Kimball is the first vicepresident of the Mormon

churchand would consequentlysucceed to the full presidency on Brigham Young's death.

Brother Kimball is a gay and festive cuss of some seventy summersor some'ers thereabout. He has one

thousand head of cattle and a hundred head of wives. (It is an authenticated fact that, in an address to his

congregation in the Tabernacle, Heber C. Kimball once alluded to his wives by the endearing epithet of "my

heifers;" and on another occasion politely spoke of them as "his cows." The phraseology may possibly be a

slight indication of the refinement of manners prevalent in Salt Lake City.) He says they are awful eaters.

Mr. Kimball had a sona lovely young manwho was married to ten interesting wives. But one

daywhile he was absent from homethese ten wives went out walking with a handsome young

manwhich so enraged Mr. Kimball's sonwhich made Mr. Kimball's son so jealousthat he shot himself

The doctor who attended hima very scientific maninformed me that the bullet entered the inner

parallelogram of his diaphragmatic thorax, superinducing membranous hemorrhage in the outer cuticle of his

(Soft music.) (Here Artemus Ward's pianist [following instructions] sometimes played the dead march from

"Saul." At other times, the Welsh air of "Poor Mary Anne;" or anything else replete with sadness which might

I hope his sad end will be a warning to all young wives who go out walking with handsome young men. Mr.

Kimball's son is now no more. He sleeps beneath the cypressthe myrtle and the willow. This music is a

I regret to say that efforts were made to make a Mormon of me while I was in Utah.

It was leapyear when I was thereand seventeen young widowsthe wives of a deceased

Mormonoffered me their hearts and hands. I called on them one dayand taking their soft white hands in

I also said"I hope your intentions are honorableas I am a lone childmy parents being farfar away."

It is built of adobeand will hold five thousand persons quite comfortably. A full brass and string band often

assists the choir of this churchand the choirI may add is a remarkably good one.

Brigham Young seldom preaches now. The younger elders unless on some special occasionconduct the

services. I only heard Mr. Young once. He is not an educated manbut speaks with considerable force and

These are the foundations of the magnificent Temple the Mormons are building. It is to be built of hewn

stoneand will cover several acres of ground. They say it shall eclipse in splendor all other temples in the

It is perhaps worthy of remark that the architect of this contemplated gorgeous affair repudiated

This pretty little picture is from the architect's design and cannot thereforeI supposebe called a fancy

sketch. (Artemus had the windows of the temple in his panorama cut out and filled in with transparent

colored paper, so that, when lighted from behind, it had the effect of one of the little plaster churches, with a

piece of lighted candle inside, which the Italian imageboys display at times for sale in the streets. Nothing in

the course of the evening pleased Artemus more than to notice the satisfaction with which this meretricious

Should the Mormons continue unmolestedI think they will complete this rather remarkable edifice.

I know of no greater curiosity than this inland sea of thick brine. It is eighty miles wideand one hundred

and thirty miles long. Solid masses of salt are daily washed ashore in immense heapsand the Mormon in

want of salt has only to go to the shore of this lake and fill his cart. Onlythe salt for table use has to be

These are factssusceptible of the clearest possible proof. They tell one story about this

lakehoweverthat I have my doubts about. They say a Mormon farmer drove forty head of cattle in there

I sincerely hope you will excuse my absenceI am a man shortand have to work the moon myself. (Here

Artemus would leave the rostrum for a few moments, and pretend to be engaged behind. The picture was

painted for a nightscene, and the effect intended to be produced was that of the moon rising over the lake

and rippling on the waters. It was produced in the usual dioramic way, by making the track of the moon

transparent and throwing the moon on from the bull's eye of the lantern. When Artemus went behind, the

moon would become nervous and flickering, dancing up and down in the most inartistic and undecided

manner. The result was that, coupled with the lecturer's oddly expressed apology, the "moon" became one of

I shall be most happy to pay a good salary to any respectable boy of good parentage and education who is a

Strange stories are told of the proceedings which are held in this buildingbut I have no possible means of

Salt Lake City is fiftyfive miles behind usand this is Echo Canyonin reaching which we are supposed

to have crossed the summit of the Wahsatch Mountains. These ochrecolored bluffsformed of

conglomerate sandstoneand full of fossilssignal the entrance to the Canyon. At its base lies Weber

Echo Canyon is about twentyfive miles long. It is really the sublimest thing between the Missouri and the

Sierra Nevada. The red wall to the left develops farther up the Canyon into pyramidsbuttressesand

castleshoneycombed and fretted in nature's own massive magnificence of architecture.

In 1856Echo Canyon was the place selected by Brigham Young for the Mormon General Wells to fortify

and make impregnable against the advance of the American armyled by General Albert Sidney Johnson. It

was to have been the Thermopylae of Mormondombut it wasn't general Wells was to have done

The wild snowstorms have left usand we have thrown our wolfskin overcoats aside. Certain tribes of

farwestern Indians bury their distinguished dead by placing them high in air and covering them with

valuable fursthat is a very fair representation of these midair tombs. Those animals are horsesI know

they arebecause my artist says so. I had the picture two years before I discovered the fact.The artist

came to me about six months agoand said"It is useless to disguise it from you any longerthey are

It was while crossing this desert that I was surrounded by a band of Ute Indians. They were splendidly

mountedthey were dressed in beaverskinsand they were armed with riflesknivesand pistols.

What could I do?What could a poor old orphan do? I'm a brave man.The day before the Battle of Bull's

Run I stood in the highway while the bulletsthose dreadful messengers of deathwere passing all around

me thicklyIN WAGONSon their way to the battlefield. (This was the great joke of Artemus Ward's

first lecture, "The Babes in the Wood." He never omitted it in any of his lectures, nor did it lose its power to

create laughter by repetition. The audiences at the Egyptian Hall, London, laughed as immoderately at it, as

did those of Irving Hall, New York, or of the Tremont Temple in Boston.) But there were too many of these

He dismountedand approached me. I saw his tomahawk glisten in the morning sunlight. Fire was in his

eye. Wockybocky came very close to me and seized me by the hair of my head. He mingled his swarthy

fingers with my golden tressesand he rubbed his dreadful Thomashawk across my lilywhite face. He

Says I"Mr. Wockybocky"says I"WockyI have thought so for yearsand so's all our family."

He told me I must go to the tent of the StrongHeart and eat raw dog. (While sojourning for a day in a camp

of Sioux Indians we were informed that the warriors of the tribe were accustomed to eat raw dog to give them

courage previous to going to battle. Artemus was greatly amused with the information. When, in after years,

he became weak and languid, and was called upon to go to lecture, it was a favorite joke with him to inquire,

"Hingston, have you got any raw dog?") It don't agree with me. I prefer simple food. I prefer

porkpiebecause then I know what I'm eating. But as raw dog was all they proposed to give to me I had

to eat it or starve. So at the expiration of two days I seized a tin plate and went to the chief's daughterand I

There was nothing but his paws! I had paused too long! Which reminds me that time passes. A way which

I was told in my youth to seize opportunity. I once tried to seize one. He was rich. He had diamonds on. As I

seized himhe knocked me down. Since then I have learned that he who seizes opportunity sees the

I take it for granted you have heard of these popular mountains. In America they are regarded as a great

success, and we all love dearly to talk about them. It is a kind of weakness with us. I never knew but one

American who hadn't somethingsome timeto say about the Rocky Mountainsand he was a deaf and

But these mountainswhose summits are snowcovered and icy all the year roundare too grand to make

fun of. I crossed them in the winter of '64in a rough sleigh drawn by four mules.

This sparkling waterfall is the LaughingWater alluded to by Mr. Longfellow in his Indian

These are the dreary plains over which we rode for so many weary days. An affecting incident occurred on

these plains some time since, which I am sure you will pardon me for introducing here.

and she fainted on Reginald's breast! (At this part of the lecture Artemus pretended to tell a storythe

piano playing loudly all the time. He continued his narration in excited dumbshowhis lips moving as

though he were speaking. For some minutes the audience indulged in unrestrained laughter.)

A prairie on fire is one of the wildest and grandest sights that can be possibly imagined.

These fires occurof coursein the summerwhen the grass is dry as tinderand the flames rush and

roar over the prairie in a manner frightful to behold. They usually burn better than mine is burning tonight. I

try to make my prairie burn regularlyand not disappoint the publicbut it is not as highprincipled as I

am. (The scene was a transparent onethe light from behind so managed as to give the effect of the prairie

on fire. Artemus enjoyed the joke of letting the fire go out occasionally, and then allowing it to relight itself.)

The last picture I have to show you represents Mr. Brigham Young in the bosom of his family. His family is

largeand the olive branches around his table are in a very tangled condition. He is more a father than any

man I know. When at homeas you here see himhe ought to be very happy with sixty wives to minister

to his comfortsand twice sixty children to soothe his distracted mind. Ah! my friends what is home

What will become of Mormonism? We all know and admit it to be a hideous wronga great immoral strain

upon the 'scutcheon of the United States. My belief is that its existence is dependent upon the life of Brigham

Young. His administrative ability holds the system togetherhis power of will maintains it as the faith of a

community. When he diesMormonism will die too. The men who are around him have neither his talent

nor his energy. By means of his strength it is held together. When he fallsMormonism will also fall to

That lionyou perceivehas a tail. It is a long one already. Like mineit is to be continued in our next.

The curtain fell for the last time on Wednesday, the 23d of January 1867. Artemus Ward had to break off the

"EGYPTIAN HALL.Before a large audience, comprising an extraordinary number of literary celebrities,

Mr. Artemus Ward, the noted American humorist, made his first appearance as a public lecturer on Tuesday

evening, the place selected for the display of his quaint oratory being the room long tenanted by Mr. Arthur

Sketchley. His first entrance on the platform was the signal for loud and continuous laughter and applause,

denoting a degree of expectation which a nervous man might have feared to encounter. However, his first

sentences, and the way in which they were received, amply sufficed to prove that his success was certain. The

dialect of Artemus bears a less evident mark of the Western World than that of many American actors, who

would fain merge their own peculiarities in the delineation of English character; but his jokes are of that true

Transatlantic type, to which no nation beyond the limits of the States can offer any parallel. These jokes he

lets fall with an air of profound unconsciousnesswe may almost say melancholy which is irresistibly

droll, aided as it is by the effect of a figure singularly gaunt and lean and a face to match. And he has found

an audience by whom his caustic humor is thoroughly appreciated. Not one of the odd pleasantries slipped

out with such imperturbable gravity misses its mark, and scarcely a minute elapses at the end of which the

sedate Artemus is not forced to pause till the roar of mirth has subsided. There is certainly this foundation for

an entente cordiale between the two countries calling themselves Anglo Saxon, that the Englishman,

puzzled by Yankee politics, thoroughly relishes Yankee jokes, though they are not in the least like his own.

When two persons laugh together, they cannot hate each other much so long as the laugh continues.

"The subject of Artemus Ward's lecture is a visit to the Mormons, copiously illustrated by a series of moving

pictures, not much to be commended as works of art, but for the most part well enough executed to give

(fidelity granted) a notion of life as it is among the remarkable inhabitants of Utah. Nor let the connoisseur,

who detects the shortcomings of some of these pictures, fancy that he has discovered a flaw in the armor of

the doughty Artemus. That astute gentleman knows their worth as well as anybody else, and while he

ostensibly extols them, as a showman is bound to do, he every now and then holds them up to ridicule in a

vein of the deepest irony. In one case a palpable error of perspective, by which a man is made equal in size to

a mountain, has been purposely committed, and the shouts of laughter that arise as soon as the ridiculous

picture appears is tremendous. But there is no mirth in the face of Artemus; he seems even deaf to the roar;

and when he proceeds to the explanation of the landscape, he touches on the ridiculous point in a slurring

"The particulars of the lecture we need not describe. Many accounts of the Mormons, more or less credible,

and all authenticated, have been given by serious historians, and Mr. W.H. Dixon, who has just returned from

Utah to London, is said to have brought with him new stores of solid information. But to most of us

Mormonism is still a mystery, and under those circumstances a lecturer who has professedly visited a country

for the sake more of picking up fun than of sifting facts, and whose chief object it must be to make his

narrative amusing, can scarcely be accepted as an authority. We will, therefore, content ourselves with stating

that the lecture is entertaining to such a degree that to those who seek amusement its brevity is its only fault;

that it is utterly free from offence, though the opportunities for offence given by the subject of Mormonism

are obviously numerous; that it is interspersed, not only with irresistible jokes, but with shrewd remarks,

proving that Artemus Ward is a man of reflection, as well as a consummate humorist."